


Perfectly Normal

by MidwestWitch



Series: Snowflakes and Starlight [3]
Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Marvel Avengers Movies RPF, Thor (Movies) RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:26:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 170,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidwestWitch/pseuds/MidwestWitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Several years after finally coming back together, Tom Hiddleston and Sammy Chance have lost sight of what made their love so special to begin with. Amidst their battle to reclaim what they had are many difficult obstacles. Obstacles that they may not be able to conquer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Joe

Part One  
Joe: Then

 

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her on that red carpet. It seems so cliché to say, especially when you try and tell other guys about it and you end up sounding like, ‘Yeah, dude, there was this chick that I totally spotted and she was so fucking hot and I can’t get her out of my head until I screw her.’

In fact, I wish it were that simple.

But of course, like with all things in this life, the shit had to be complicated. So from that very first moment I saw her on the red carpet, absolutely glowing in that beautiful scarlet dress, I was completely enchanted. I was sure that for the rest of my life, I would never find a woman that even remotely measured up to the absolute beauty she had radiating from her that night.

I remember my heart pounding in my chest as I chose whether or not it was going to be worth my time to even bother approaching her. I only saw her profile from a distance and I was sure that it was just my loneliness getting the best of me. Probably a million other things as well, the stress of the premiere, the production company and how truly busy I always seem to be, along with the occasional projects I still take on are having this crazy effect on me as I gazed at her. I did not recognize her, she was not an up and coming actress in independent films, but she certainly might have been someone behind the scenes, and whoever she was, she was magnanimous.

I decided to wait, bide my time as the night progressed and I lost complete track of her for a long time. I knew, after a time, that it was probably the right thing to do, just let her be this beautiful angel I saw one night on the red carpet that I would not lay eyes on again… But fate had other plans in store for me.

It was at one of the after parties following a slew of amazing premieres, a few of which I had the great pleasure of collaborating on, and I was anxious to meet some new contacts. Several interested parties were knocking down the door of my company and this would afford me the rare opportunity of meeting these people in a social setting. I had my game plan and I was ready to do this.

Within an hour I was feeling pretty good. I was two beers in, making my contacts and enjoying myself at the festival. This was always something that was a great treat for me in case there was a time in the future when I would work with these people. I saw everyone as a potential collaborator and I loved when the creative juices started flowing.

The exact moment I saw her again was probably one I’ll remember until the day I die. It was an event I wasn’t expecting, because this enchanting goddess I had seen previously on the red carpet was long gone and I had no delusions about seeing her again. I set my empty beer bottle down and turned around to order another when a fellow actor came up behind me and clapped me on the back, clearly on his way to intoxication and really enjoying the festivities. I was happy to finally meet him and we discussed the project he had brought to the festival. He confessed that he was drinking in celebration, because apparently he had been awfully nervous to bring the movie, but I assured him he had nothing to stress over.

We ended up getting along incredibly well. We had a lot of things in common, like our passion for our projects and our love for the art of it all, and I found to my pleasant surprise that we had an easy rapport with one another. I knew immediately I really liked this guy.

And that was when, out of nowhere, the vision of beauty in red appeared behind my new friend, beaming so widely that she seemed to light up the entire room. Her hair was a beautiful cascade of bright gold, her eyes as dark and deep as the earth, her smile so glittering that it made my heart skip a beat. I saw her put a hand on my friend’s shoulder, caressing it as lovingly and familiar as I had ever seen two people.

I knew right then how big of an idiot I was. I had unintentionally fallen for a woman that was already spoken for, and it made me feel incredibly sad. The loneliness swept me again. I hoped over the course of the night I could distance myself from this woman and her husband and hopefully figure out exactly what it was that was drawing me to women that were so unavailable.

But my plan wasn’t so easy to put into action. This new friend of mine was incredibly hilarious and intelligent, someone I wanted to associate myself with. And try as I might to get rid of this infuriating infatuation with my new friend’s wife, I found that the more I got to know her, the more I really, really liked her as well, which in turn, made her more attractive.

I had to excuse myself once to get away and gather my strength so that I would quit being such an idiot. These people were so clearly meant for each other that it was silly for me to even entertain the thought that there was something more to this. I had to stop it in its tracks.

Again, this was easier said than done. I tried so hard to ignore it but the harder I tried, the worse it became. The more I started noticing her sparkling wit, her delicious laugh, the way she stroked her neck when she was really listening to what you were saying, and every other mannerism, the less I tried to fight my growing adoration of her. It came to a point that evening when I was very aware that I was going to be nursing some very intense feelings for someone I was going to be spending a lot of time with.

My new friends left early that night. They seemed to be happy on a completely different level that evening. The movie he had premiered had done very well, but it seemed to go beyond that and I never quite grasped what was going on. It was painfully obvious to me, however, that they were deeply, passionately in love.

And yet no matter of rationalizing it to myself changed how I felt about her. It was as though the harder I tried to tell myself she wasn’t that special, the more convinced I became in my heart that she was that special.

I left the festival that week with this wildly renewed feeling of hope with the soul crushing pit that was endless despair. I didn’t want this to be happening with two people I liked very, very much, but it was there and it was undeniable. Our friendship would not end soon, as I came to learn, so with every passing day, one thought became clearer and clearer.

Eventually, I knew I would fall in love with my best friend’s wife.

   
Joe: Now

 

“I’m telling you, it’s not about the right to speak your mind or free speech or any of that other bullshit,” he said vehemently as he gestured wildly to his good friend of eight years. “It’s what people with an ignorant argument use as a defense to anything, especially when they’re backed into a corner of absolute bigotry and stupidity.”

“I completely agree with you, but I feel like you’re assuming that I’m not hearing you or something,” she responded to him, rolling her eyes. “You know I think you’re right, just because I’m respecting someone’s opinion by not loudly shouting my own doesn’t mean I am agreeing with that person. I’d just rather not start drama with the other parents. It’s pointless. I’m not lowering my IQ just to scream words that won’t be absorbed anyway?”

“This is the thing about you, Sam,” he said, throwing his hands up in a mixture of defeat and disgust. “You tell me about this stuff that happens with the other loud, opinionated bi –” he stopped himself when he saw Sam’s daughter Izzie approaching. She was only seven so he knew that it was better to censor his words around her. Sam would appreciate it anyway. “Witches,” he corrected and his friend gave him an amused but grateful smile, “And I know you want to say something but it’s like you don’t have the guts. What gives?”

She rolled her eyes at him yet again, turning away from him to pour another glass of lemonade for her waiting daughter. “Joe, you would understand if you had kids,” she told him, sending Izzie on her way after refilling her cold drink. She turned back to him with a stubborn look on her face, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes. He knew she wasn’t angry or upset with him, that this was all playful, and he was okay with it. “Because you can’t just haul off and verbally assault every idiot that raises your children’s friends. Then they’d have no one to play with, they’d end up anti-social, and then they’d grow up weird.”

Joe stopped before saying anything else, considering the actual probability of that happening if Sam actually stood up for herself, but instead he chose to shake his head, no matter how badly he disagreed and simply scrunched up his dark eyes and laughed at his friend. “You’re a trip, Sammy.”

“Hello, mate!” came a third voice to the conversation. Sam’s husband Tom stepped out at that moment, carrying a plate laden with food ready to be thrown on the grill as they barbequed outside in the beautiful Michigan weather. Joe met Tom and Sam at an after party at Sundance many years back and had hit it off splendidly with the pair, working with Tom consistently in the following years while befriending the rest of the Chance-Hiddleston clan and becoming practically inseparable with the family. He was even around to help them celebrate the birth of their second daughter, Isabella, and had the privilege to watch her grow up. Joe felt that he was closer to this beautiful family than he was to a lot of his other good friends.

It was okay with him. He had yet to settle down and had no plans on doing so anytime soon. He was well beyond the appropriate time of life when it would have been logical to get married or have kids, but Joe knew he was not the ‘marrying kind,’ and probably never would be, especially at forty-seven. There had been many women that came and went in his life, and one that he had actually been with for a long time at the encouragement of Sam, who did not want to see one her closest friends single anymore. Her best girlfriend, Molly, had been married happily for five years at this point(well, technically she’d been married seven, but that was another confusing matter entirely), so Joe suspected that Sam didn’t know how to handle the fact that one of her friends was not settled and happy yet.

Sam didn’t know the truth and he hoped she never would. There was no need to do anything to jeopardize what she had with her husband. It would be unfair to everyone involved if he were to tell her that he was hopelessly in love with her. He had been since the moment he laid eyes on her at that party eight years ago.

Joe shook his head to try and clear the unnecessary thoughts from it. It something he had lived with for so long that it became common practice to cram them back into the darkest hidden recesses of his brain. He valued his friendship with the two of them far too much to ever let his true feelings come forward, and thinking about it for the millionth time that day was not going to make it any easier. So he brought himself back out into the present and stepped up to the grill, offering Tom help.

“I think I’m getting rather good at it,” Tom commented. Several years ago, when they were spending a great deal more time in the states for the girls’ school and subsequent activities, Tom had developed a passion for Americanizing himself. One of his favorite chosen ‘American past time’ activities was grilling. He was getting better but the first few attempts were somewhat disastrous, and Joe had been present for a few of them.

“I don’t know about that, dude,” Joe said, leaning over to reach into the cooler to grab himself another beer. He popped it open on the side of the table and took a deep pull from the cold beverage before he continued. “I swear the last time you tried to light the grill you set half the backyard on fire.”

“That’s a damn lie!” Tom declared, flashing his friend a guilty grin. “That was not the last time you were here. I might have done… about three times ago.”

“Nope,” Sam chimed in, walking by with a stack of paper plates and cups. “It was two times ago. My eyebrows are finally growing back in.”

Tom rolled his eyes at his wife’s teasing and Joe couldn’t help but laugh whole heartedly. They had all gotten involved in tamping out the flames. “She’s full of it.”

“I think she’s right, man,” Joe said, defending Sam.

“Thank you, Joe,” Sam said, setting the plates out and turning around, her hands on her hips as she glared at her husband. “At least someone around here knows who to make happy.”

“Give me some credit,” Tom said, throwing the food onto the grill and smiling mischievously. “Who else is willing to handle your meat?”

“Um, Dad, ew,” Emma said, having just walked out onto the porch and catching the tail end of the conversation. She was fourteen and very much a teenager, but for the most part, she was good-humored and was very outgoing. Joe remembered what it was like to be that age, so he cut her a little slack, but for the most part, Emma wasn’t a typical antisocial fourteen-year-old. He loved her to death, but this fact made her easier to like.

“Someone has to touch your mother’s meat,” Tom said unapologetically, shrugging as he turned back to the grill.

Emma rolled her eyes, looking exactly like Sam as she did so. She then eyeballed what Tom was doing and looked back up to Sam, her eyes wide and her expression caught somewhere between amusement and terror. “Should Dad really be touching the grill, Mom? Can’t you take over, Uncle Joe?”

Joe shook his head and took a step back. “If your dad wants to burn down his own house, I’m not taking any responsibility. I’m done trying to warn him.”

“You all need to shut it,” Tom said, pointing the tongs at each one of them. “Or I’ll burn your food.”

“You’re going to do that anyway,” Emma said, then looked to her mother imploringly. “Aren’t you going to stop him?”

“If I really thought your father wasn’t capable of it I wouldn’t let him anywhere near it,” Sam said, walking over to her daughter, pushing her curly red hair behind her shoulders and leaning in to give her a quick hug. Joe was close enough to hear her whisper into Emma’s ear, “Plus the extinguisher is close by.”

“I heard that!”

The two girls giggled and before Sam pulled away she reached down and quickly grabbed the phone in her daughter’s hand. She protested for a second, crying, “MOM!”

“You’re spending time with your family, not shoving your nose in a phone talking to some idiot kid,” Sam said flippantly, stuffing the phone into her pocket. “You can spend two hours off of it. I don’t want you growing up to be one of those rude ass people that doesn’t spend time with someone, especially when they’ve invited you to their home.”

“I’m not going to be one of those people, Mom,” Emma snipped. “I’d be too afraid you’d walk in and start lecturing me.”

“Then I’ve done my job,” Sam said, patted Emma on the cheek, and walked past her into the house.

Joe loved the family dynamic in the Chance-Hiddleston household. These people were genuinely happy to be together as a family, the girls got along fairly well despite their seven year age difference, they respected their parents, and in turn, their parents treated them with as much respect as they deserved. Joe didn’t see this happen very often. Most parents assumed they could take liberties without acknowledging that their children were not just mindless morons, but actual people. In his mind, that made for a much more harmonious household, and there were only a few times when he had been around for one of the meltdowns that was bound to happen, regardless of how well everyone gets along the other percentage of the time.

“So if everyone is so damned afraid of me setting fire to the yard, why isn’t anyone offering to help me?” Tom declared loudly with a chuckle. Joe could tell he actually enjoyed this little family joke instead of resenting it, which was good as well. Emma grimaced and shook her head, dodging out of the way before Tom could turn around and grab her, which he did do on occasion.

But as expected, Izzie popped up from her spot in the yard and yelled, “I’ll help you, Daddy!” She ran over immediately and hugged him around the waist. He put one arm around her and kissed the top of her head as they discussed the grilling. Joe was quiet through all of this, playing observer to this family dynamic. There was an awful lot for him to ponder that day as he watched everyone interacting with one another.

It was nice being here, surrounded by people that loved each other, but Joe knew it wasn’t for him. He had really given it a shot with his ex-girlfriend Sharon, but they were just too incompatible and it couldn’t really be ignored any longer. Sharon had confessed to him that she had an inkling of how he felt about Sam and therefore didn’t want to compete for his affections. He couldn’t say he blamed her, and when he apologized to her about it he really did mean it. He didn’t want to be in love with a married woman and certainly not one that was married to a great guy. It might have been easier if Tom was a douche, but he wasn’t.

Sharon and I also disagreed about probably one of the most fundamental things a couple over the age of thirty-five can disagree about: marriage. I told her I wasn’t into the idea and that it really had nothing to do with me having an issue with commitment. I will commit to a woman for the rest of my life without a second thought and I might even consider the possibility of having a family with someone that I really, truly love, given the right circumstances. I am still iffy on that subject as I have yet to meet a woman that I would want to share this responsibility with.

To me, marriage is an archaic institution that predates rational thought and logical adaptation. Women’s suffrage, civil rights, equal rights, all of it has changed the outlook of the country and I have been lucky enough in my lifetime to see all of this shape our country for the better. It seemed to him like getting married was as old-fashioned as keeping a harem or stoning sinners out in the street.

However, most women, as progressive as some of them may have been, still grow up with a constant voice in their ear that is hard to get rid of once you’ve become an adult. They see their friends doing it, they fall prey to probably the only thing they are weak over, and a marriage takes place that shouldn’t.

Joe also had a hard time convincing women that he thought it was best for the women he was with not to get married. They always thought he was making it up, but he truly believed that the only ones that benefited from marriage were men. Men, in general, are not overly comfortable being domestic cannot provide the nurturing and care a woman can to everything she does, while also growing and taking care of a family for them. Men have it easy. Someone walks into their lives willingly and takes over everything, sometimes to the point where the man doesn’t even have to think anymore. There is someone better equipped to handle that small detail now.

So while a man basks in the comfort of his marriage, a woman will become a person that she doesn’t recognize anymore. She will lose herself becoming the calendar and record keeper for this once capable person. She will clean up after him and be told that that’s ‘what a wife does.’ She’ll take care of his kids and be the bad guy, she’ll nag him to help out every so often because she’s running ragged and he doesn’t have enough sense anymore to think of doing it on his own, and then she will become that horrible bitching wife that the lazy man no longer wants to come home to. The person in the end that loses everything, herself, the respect of her husband, and the fun of her youth, is the woman.

However, no woman Joe had ever met had stayed still long enough for him to express every word of this, and the only woman that would, Sam, he could not say this to. She was married and it would have been even more precarious trying to tiptoe around his feelings for her and getting it all out while still attempting to sound neutral.

It was all right to be around other families that he loved and people he cared about, but Joe really didn’t think he would meet that perfect progressive minded woman just yet, and he didn’t want to while he still harbored feelings for his best friend’s wife.

“Joe,” Tom said then, beckoning his friend over. Joe did as he was asked, coming over to assist his friend on the grill.

He gave his friend an amused smile as he fixed his dark rimmed glasses on his nose. “What’s up, man?” he asked, taking another pull at his beer and then pointing it toward the grill. “Did you need an American hand for help?”

Tom smiled widely and shook his head. “No, I just wanted to find out how the project is coming along. I sent my screenplay on to Jan and she took a look at it already.”

“Oh she did?” Joe asked, genuinely glad to hear this news. “How did she like it?”

“So far, so good,” Tom said with a chuckle. “She has a few notes but other than that, she likes the direction its headed, and as soon as we can pull together some edits she would like to start casting and preproduction.”

“Dude, that is literally the best news I’ve heard all day,” Joe said, fighting the urge to clap and skip like a school girl. “Seriously, I’ve been waiting to hear something and I was seriously hoping you had some good news for me today.”

“Well of course I did,” Tom said with a wink. “Don’t I always come through for you, Joe?”

“That you do, my friend,” he said, giving him a clap on the back. “But seriously, how soon does she want to pull all of this together?”

“You know, I’m not quite sure,” Tom said, and then leaned over to give his youngest daughter a kiss on the head. “Run along now, Iz,” he told her, turning back to the grill and giving his full attention to the food. “She mentioned passing it along to some of the writers and producers she knows just to get a few notes before she wants to schedule a meeting for edits and rewrites. She said it could take a week or two to get all of that together and as soon as it’s done she’s getting us back on the phone.”

“A week or two?” Joe asked, incredulous. “That’s so damn fast,” he was doing some excited calculating, trying to figure out exactly how fast they could have this project together based on the time table already given. It seemed as though within the next few months they would be ready to start filming. “I can’t believe it.”

“Exactly,” Tom said with a satisfied nod. “I told you if we just push it through to the right people we’ll be leaps and bounds ahead of the game.”

“I won’t doubt you again!”

“You shouldn’t.”

Joe was grinning from ear to ear when Sam came back out of the house with the final few items for the outside table. They had apparently been expecting Molly and her husband but for whatever reason they had to cancel, as Sam was explaining to Emma and Izzie. They helped her set up the table while they talked, and Joe observed for a moment before turning back to Tom, who was ready to continue the conversation whenever he had Joe’s attention again.

“So, let’s get this going tonight,” Joe suggested. If there was anything that could get his mind off of the thoughts and feelings that he just wasn’t expressing, it was his work.

Tom and Joe had both been in charge of their own careers and projects for a long time. There were occasions when the two men would talk shop, discussing what they’d like to see out of a film, and after so many individual professional choices the two had made, they realized that they wanted the same thing out of their work, and wanted it to matter. For Tom, it was about preserving a legacy that mattered, one that he could be proud of and pass down to his children. For Joe, it was about making his lifetime of work matter, make his family proud. It wasn’t until Sam blurted out that they needed to just get together and do a project that they actually gave the idea any credence.

Several rough drafts and an all-night drinking binge later and they had come up with something somewhat workable. They went back and forth about who to submit it to for consideration when finally Tom was presented with an opportunity that he then sold to Joe. They had given it to Tom’s friend Jan almost a week ago, so to hear back this quickly was really quite something, especially when it came to the business of making movies.

Joe was ecstatic to start something new, especially with a friend. Collaboration was what he did best so this was going to be a very fun experience on a project he completely believed in.

It didn’t take much longer for the food to be ready. The girls were all settled in and ready at the large circular picnic table, so Joe helped Tom pile the food onto a plate, walked it over and started serving. Everyone was anxious to eat and excitedly chattering away amongst one another. Tom and Sam were having a discussion about the food and the fact that he was able to manage it so well. They were teasing and laughing and Tom rolled his eyes at his wife before leaning down and giving her a sweet, lingering kiss, to which the girls both cried in unison, “Ew!” Sam and Tom chuckled at them after pulling apart and instructed them to eat.

Emma was helping Izzie arrange her food on her plate, giving her tips on how to check and see if Dad actually cooked their burger all the way through. To her credit, she was trying to be quiet and not hurt her father’s feelings, but he still knew what they were talking about and he interjected loudly after a minute, causing both of the girls to jump in their seats and then wrap the entire table in the infectious laughter that followed.

It was the first wonderfully warm day that spring for Michigan and Joe realized as he sat and felt the breeze on his face that he didn’t regret his decision to purchase a getaway home here three years back. Tom and Sam had decided it was best to keep their home here for Emma’s sake back when they got married and they split their time between here and London, where Tom’s home and family was. Occasionally they travelled the country for Tom’s career or he travelled alone, but for the most part, Tom had fallen in love with the little cottage they kept for the first couple of years of their marriage. He had acclimated well to living in Michigan and really started to develop a fondness for it. Eventually, he managed to convince several of his friends to purchase land here. It was a beautiful vacation spot during the spring and summer, several lakes within a short distance in absolutely any direction. Joe had grown up close to the Pacific Ocean, but he loved the idea of having the fresh water so close by.

Things were quiet, professionally, for Tom and Joe at the moment so it was easy to steal very normal, down to earth moments like these. Sam was a very well-known author, so for her, working at home and having days like these were pretty typical. On occasion she would have to do book tours or interviews, but for the most part, she had the opportunity to demand her schedule and locations, being that she was so high in demand. Normally she wrote young adult supernatural romance, but over the last few years she had grown tired of the genre and was anxious to branch out a bit. She had several small projects on the side that she had shared with Joe, just to get his ideas, and he loved every single one of them.

Then again, he would probably never have it in his heart to deny Sam a thing.

Bringing himself back to the present, Joe realized he had missed something very funny passing amongst the family and Sam leaned over right then, wiping her eyes. She leaned over and placed her hand on his knee, and no matter how innocent the gesture was intended to be, chills ran throughout his entire body and he felt, for two seconds, the insane desire to pull her close and wrap his arms around her, if only for a second. His feelings for her ran deep and he craved any bit of contact he could ever muster out of her. He squeezed his eyes shut behind his glasses, desperately struggling to not be seen going through this very obvious struggle against himself. Everything he felt was wrong. He shouldn’t love Sam. He shouldn’t want her body against his. He shouldn’t hunger for her the way he did, thinking of her and only her day in and day out, to the point where his other relationships were affected by the love he still held onto for her. Eight years of close friendship should have been enough to draw out any of those initial feelings he had for her the moment he laid eyes on her in that gorgeous strapless red premiere dress, but if anything, time had only exacerbated his condition.

He knew her better than a lot of people did and she confessed to him that there were certain things she could talk to him about that she just couldn’t express to anyone else. Joe loved being the keeper of her secrets, holding onto the knowledge of things that others didn’t get the privilege to know.

Joe knew that he was a man lost. This knowledge was not comforting.

“Are you all right?” Sam asked, her hand still on his knee. She gave him a couple pats to bring him back to consciousness.

He shook his head to clear the confusing cobwebs so that he could appear as normal as ever. He gave her a big, warm smile, and nudged her with his shoulder playfully. He needed to come off as platonic as possible so she wouldn’t start noticing anything. Up until now he had been pretty lucky, only slipping up a couple of times here and there when it came to revealing his true feelings but Sam seemed to be none the wiser still. He was thankful for this. If he had the choice, he’d prefer that Sam never ever know that for eight years, he harbored feelings that had changed his life forever.

“I’m fine,” he answered her finally.

“You haven’t touched your food,” she noticed, nodding toward his plate.

He peered down and stared at his full plate, realizing she was correct. He had arranged it but got so caught up in his thoughts that he forgot to act normal and eat. Tom was staring over at him with a frown. “What’s wrong, mate? Is it that bad?”

Joe had to laugh at this. “No, dude, it’s not that,” he said. “I just kind of started daydreaming, my bad.” He leaned in to start eating. He was pretty hungry, after all.

“Are we not entertaining enough for you?” Sam asked with a glint in her eye. He felt his knees grow weak when she shot him a small wink and smile and he turned his attention back to his food so quickly that he nearly upset the ketchup bottle in front of him.

“It’s not that, I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

Sam frowned at him. “What’s up?”

“It’s nothing, really.”

“It must be something if you’re this distracted.”

“Really, Sam, it’s nothing to worry about,” he insisted, and he was serious about this. If she pressed any further he might reveal something that he knew would be scrutinized until she caught him earlier and demanded he tell her what was really going on. There had been so many times that they were alone together in the dark of night, talking and sharing with one another that he fought to tell her how he felt.

“Whatever you say,” she said, and turned her attention back to the table then. Emma was telling them about her idea for an English project at school, and since Joe hadn’t been paying attention to the beginning of this conversation, he found it easy to tune out and jump back into his thoughts while still trying to act as though he was interested and engaged in the conversation in front of him.

Among all the crazy, irrational thoughts that flowed in and out of his mind right then, Joe was acutely aware of how wonderful this family was, and how accepting they had been over the last eight years, bringing him right into the fold. Their kids called him ‘uncle,’ for crying out loud! If that wasn’t a sign of true, deep friendship, than nothing was. He enjoyed being here with them, observing their hilarious dynamic. They were a family that truly loved each other.

Something Joe had observed over the last year had him a little concerned, however. He knew that when two people are in a long term, committed relationship, no matter how crazy they are about each other, that passion is inevitably going to cool down and leave, in its wake, the true love and companionship that a couple is supposed to feel. He had observed Tom and Sam’s relationship over the past eight years, so he’d been privy to watching it go from the passionate honeymoon stage of a new marriage, to the warm friendliness of a couple that truly loved one another and belonged together.

However, there was a tendency for some people to forget what it was that brought them together in the first place. This was how most marriages started to fail, because they forgot what it was they loved about each other and allowed life to happen around them as they became different people apart, instead of together. Joe didn’t want his friends to go through this. He knew, as an outside observer, how much they truly, deeply loved one another and he hated for them to lose sight of it, no matter how much he loved Sam in his own selfish way. It was another reason he hated the institution of marriage. After a while, two people, once madly in love, came to a point where they knew that unless they wanted to cause a huge fuss, they were stuck together. This makes the average person feel desperate and trapped, no matter how happy they might have been at one point.

Sam’s light was flickering and it killed him to see it happening. He fell in love with that beautiful, vibrant woman he’d met at Sundance, the woman who could light up a room simply by walking in. she was sharp, powerful, and enigmatic, and he knew from the moment he saw her that she was a force to be reckoned with.

Lately, Sam’s smile had faded somewhat in its brightness. She tried to lay low, not saying much and turning inward instead. Her vivacious charm was dying somewhat and it broke his heart every time he watched it happening in front of him. He loved Tom and respected the man for everything he did, but it was in this that he was most unhappy with his friend, because for all of his attributes, Tom wasn’t even noticing what was happening in front of him. Tom was always anxious to discuss work, his next project, what he was going to get to do after what he was doing now, and he realized that over the past year, Tom was falling more and more into his work versus being a good husband and lover to his fading wife.

It hurt Joe physically to think that Sam was wilting underneath the tyranny that was marriage.

For now, though, everyone was playing happy and he was happy to play along as well. For the most part, this family loved each other and there was nothing that could change that. Their girls were in no danger of feeling unloved, because so frequently their parents were affectionate and vocal with their love and admiration. It was impossible for these girls to question whether or not their parents loved them. That much, at least, was sound.

Joe stood up after finishing his lunch and offered to take in the girls’ plates. They thanked him loudly and somewhat obnoxiously, to which he chuckled and shook his head. He rinsed them off in the sink and set them down, turning around to clear his head, if only for a moment before he returned to the party.

It took him so long to get back outside that Sam and Tom came in, laden with dirty dishes, and frowned quizzically at him. “Is everything all right?” Tom asked him, walking over and filling the sink up.

“Yeah, man, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sam interjected. “You’ve been real quiet today.”

“Can’t a man be quiet? Damn!” Joe said, trying to sound teasing.

“Whatever you say,” she said with a shrug, walking back out the door. 

Joe rolled his eyes and turned back to Tom, who had an amused expression on his face. “What’s her name?”

“What?” Joe asked, completely startled.

“You don’t have to tell Samantha about it,” he insisted, turning around as he rolled up his sleeves while the sink filled with soapy water. “You can tell me the truth. You have a woman on your mind, eh?”

Joe bit the inside of his cheek, willing the fear in his eyes to dissipate. His friend was giving him a fantastic excuse for his silence, an excuse that wasn’t actually a lie, so he jumped at the chance. He adjusted his glasses and then rolled up his own sleeves, walking over to help with the dishes.

“You got me, man,” he said noncommittally. “But honestly, I’d prefer not to talk about it. It’s just too complicated right now.”

Tom nodded in understanding. “Aren’t they all?”

Sam stepped into the house right then and frowned. “Aren’t who all?”

“Nothing, I love you,” he said simply, giving Sam a wide, mischievous smile.

“I don’t know what you two are talking about, but I already know I don’t appreciate it!” she scolded.

“Damn, woman, we’re doing your dishes. And I cooked!” Tom said, raising his soapy hands out of the water to show her.

“Oh, poor baby,” she said with another roll of her eyes. “All the other times I’ve cooked and done the dishes because you had something that absolutely couldn’t wait.”

Tom gave her a sheepish smile and turned back to the water. Sam made an exasperated sound and left the kitchen. The moment she stepped out Tom laughed and shook his head. “But hell if I don’t completely adore that woman.”

Joe smiled wide, happy to hear this sentiment. Unfortunately, as Joe was about to observe over the coming months, it was the last time things would be easy-going and happy.


	2. Chapter 2 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

“It’s been so nice meeting you and your husband tonight,” this handsome man was gushing to me, his soulful brown eyes barely visible beneath the wide, splitting grin that he wore on his face all night. He was someone kind of different, someone unlike many other people I had met before. Being married to Tom for two whole years and being involved so in the business, you’d think I had met all types of people, but this man was different.

Admittedly, I am still very much a fan girl at heart. Over the years I haven’t been able to indulge in my inner nerd too much, but since Tom came back into my life, the full load of parenting Emma was lifted off of my shoulders and I was able to find my way back to being a complete person, a separate woman with all of her likes, dislikes, passions and hobbies. I allowed myself to slip back into something relatively harmless and not too time consuming. My love for DC comics came back with a vengeance and I caught up on everything I had been missing for five years and was pleasantly surprised to see that the genre was in good hands.

Now, two years after actually being introduced to this world and meeting all of these people, you’d think I would have gotten used to it by now. That is not the case. There are still people that Tom gets excited and a little star struck at meeting. It’s nice to have a shameless fan boy as a companion as well. This is one thing I have always appreciated about my husband.

So when I knew we were coming to Sundance, I started doing the research, trying to find out who was going to be here with us, and I started getting more and more excited about coming. Unfortunately, the preemptive strike of my unknown pregnancy hit me shortly after that and I really forgot what was so exciting. I pushed through it for Tom, who needed my support and encouragement. It wasn’t until we found out what was going on that was causing my discomfort that I remembered how wonderful everything was and how happy I truly was to be here in Utah for this event.

Tom and I were so ecstatic after finding out about the pregnancy that night that we barely noticed anything going on around us. We strutted down that red carpet with Emma, awash in the bliss of our happiness. He linked his arm around me while I held onto Emma’s hand tightly and we never let go of one another. The movie was fantastic and we were so excited for all of the praise that it was like we could do no wrong. We were invited to several parties backstage and we were able to attend one while Emma was still awake. The more networking Tom did, though, the more exhausted our daughter became, and finally we decided it was probably best if we went back to our room. It was right then that Luke swooped in, like the angel he was, and offered to take Emma back upstairs so that we could schmooze and enjoy our night.

And that was when we decided to make an appearance at another party in the hotel, one where Tom knew he was going to bump into a few of the contacts he wanted to make for another project or help promoting his current one. The moment we walked in the door I knew I was in a world of trouble. I was immediately met with so many faces I recognized and admired. I was trembling and nervous and unfortunately, unable to steady my nerves with alcohol. Tom was encouraging, but I couldn’t help it.

I got through a few meetings without making too big an ass of myself, but then Tom told me he spotted someone else that he needed to approach. He handed over his empty glass, having finished his second drink, and made his way hastily across the room, approaching someone that I didn’t recognize from the back and patting him on the shoulder to get his attention. I watched them as they conversed for a second, still turned away from me. Someone came by to grab my empty glass and I gladly handed it over, denying the request for a drink of my own, even though it would been tremendously helpful in calming me down.

Because it was right then that Tom’s mystery friend turned around and I recognized him.

Now, even though my Tom, Tom Hiddleston, was a big star in his own right when I met him, I wasn’t nearly as star struck then as I was at this moment. I thought I recognized him, but I had to get closer to be sure, and the closer I got, the more I realized that I was right. Every part of my forgotten geeky, teenage glee came back up as I took him in.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Probably one of the few celebrities in my youth that I actually did have a bit of a crush on, and it made me feel incredibly silly and embarrassed to be meeting him as a pregnant wife and mother, still blushing and feeling so much like I was sixteen again. The moment I was close enough to see his wide grinning face, I flashed back to the days when I was watching ’10 Things I Hate About You’ and drooling over all the boys in that movie. I have my wonderful moment of pure nerd when I think of his performance in The Dark Knight series and all of the great films he’s done since then.

I grew up with this guy on my television and now he was here, standing in front of me, talking amiably with my husband and looking as dashing as I had always imagined.

Tom broke the awkward silence and stepped closer to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as he introduced me and I did the exact thing I always wanted to avoid when meeting these people, I gushed. Luckily, he seemed incredibly charmed and flattered by it, so it must not have been too awful.  
After that, things went on and we all talked easily among the three of us, letting the time tick down around us as we enjoyed one another’s company. Now, we were two hours in and Tom finally decided it was time to excuse himself to the bathroom and I was alone with Joe (as he’d asked us to call him), who had grown suspiciously quiet until telling me what he thought of us. I was incredibly humbled at this, because a little over two hours ago, Joseph Gordon-Levitt had just been a heart throb for me in my adolescence.

“Admittedly it’s been a bit of a dream for me, too,” I confessed to him. I was feeling so good about life and the fact that I had made this new friend that I didn’t mind being honest. Besides, he seemed receptive. “I’ve been a fan for a long time, but I never thought you would be so… I don’t know…” I trailed off.

“Cool? Awesome? Smart? Handsome?” he offered, lowering his voice and giving me a little eyebrow wag at this last word.  
I couldn’t help it. I actually laughed out loud at him, shaking my head and hitting him playfully on the arm. “No, the word I was looking for was real. I didn’t know you would be so real.”

Our laughter died for a second and he gave me a quizzical smile. “What do you mean by that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know… You’re genuine. You’re not trying to be anyone else but exactly who you are and I really respect that. It’s hard to find people who are still like that in this business, especially someone like you, who’s been in it for so long.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” he said, giving me a nod. His face was flushed from the alcohol but he avoided eye contact with me for a solid minute before he sighed and said, “I’m honestly glad to meet someone who still thinks to look for that quality in others.”

I smiled widely, showing him all of my teeth, which in turn forced him to grin. “Why wouldn’t I notice it first in a sea of people trying to be something they’re not?”

Joe shook his head. “I understand the sentiment, it’s just rare. I think you’re wonderful to notice honestly,” he took a deep breath and his smile fell a little as he finished, “I adore it.”

My cheeks flushed again. “You’re incredibly sweet.”

He shrugged noncommittally but looked rather pleased to hear the compliment. “Why wouldn’t I notice that first in an ocean of people that try too hard to be wonderful and never come close?”

There was a moment, just a moment I noticed that passed between us when we had this understanding. It was like we were exchanging a silent acknowledgment of our attraction to one another and that in another time and place, it might have worked. But we are lucky enough to be here and we get the opportunity to be friends. We have nothing that goes deeper than a simple physical attraction, nothing even the tiniest bit as deep as the connection I share with my husband.

So instead, we sit in silence until Tom returns to our table and we say nothing of our conversation. Words are not necessary.  
 

Sammy: Now

 

“How many times do I have to tell you, in the eight years that we have been married to keep the silverware out of the side of the sink with the disposal?” Sammy screamed from the kitchen. It was just a small issue but one of many in a pile of ridiculous oversights on the part of her husband. The more and more he did things like this the more she felt completely invisible to him and it hurt her in the deepest way. Instead of just telling her husband that she was hurt by it, she chose anger.

Anger was easier.

“I don’t understand why the hell you’re picking all of this apart right now,” he was saying, following her through the door of the dining room, throwing his hands up in his own frustration. “Why does it even matter to you? Yesterday I did the same damn thing and you didn’t care. You only care on days when you have other things you’re mad about and you want someone to take it out on. Then you start picking everything to death,” he said, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorjamb.

“You think you’re so damn clever, don’t you?” Sammy spat angrily. She was tired of him constantly diminishing what was going on by claiming she was being unreasonable or irrational. He was too much of a prideful idiot to see when his wife really needed him to quit being a man for two seconds and look past it.

Men, for the most part it seemed, were completely incapable of such an action.

Luckily while they bickered they did not need to fear that Emma and Izzie would be within earshot. The girls were both at school and away, which was the reason Sammy felt all right yelling at her husband while they had this stupid, stupid argument.

“No, I don’t think I’m ‘so damn clever.’ I think I’m pretty much calling things as I see it and it sounds like you just don’t have the ability to see what is clearly going on in front of your face.”

Sammy narrowed her dark eyes at her husband, wanting nothing more than to cross the room in two steps and throttle him for being such an incredibly pompous ass. If there was one thing Sammy didn’t appreciate, it was when anyone, even the love of her life, started acting like they knew everything while she sat, feebly attempting to make words with her dumb mouth. It angered her to the pit of her soul and made her want to lash out irrationally.

“First of all, you can treat me with a little respect,” she told him, her eyebrows now hitched in her beginning state of fury. “I am your partner, not your child.” He rolled his eyes at her but seemed to understand what she was demanding of him. “Second of all, you’re not ‘calling things’ the way you’re seeing them. You’re giving me shit for pointing out things I have been begging you to do anyway. Just as a courtesy to your damn wife!” She waited for a moment for his apology, but she knew it wasn’t coming. In the first few years of their marriage while they fought stupidly like this he was quick with the apologies, but further down the line, the longer they were together and the more stubborn they both grew, the worse the fights would get in terms of vicious things said without the promise of an ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you’ to temper everything.

In fact, Sammy couldn’t clearly remember the last time Tom had decided to solve one of these dumb, inconsequential arguments by just dropping what he was saying, holding her, and telling her that he loved her more than the words he wanted to sling at her. It worked on occasion but Sammy knew he wasn’t going to do it. For whatever reason lately, Tom had been stingier about his affection and far more stubborn with giving out apologies or handing out praise. She honestly believed she had seen the last of the sweet talk.

“Now all of a sudden you just assume that because I’m home a little more often that you can give me all this crap, like I’ve ever been part of how this household functions,” he said to her, shaking his head. “You are the one that stays home. Your job is here.”

“My job is not here,” she shot back at him. “My job is anywhere I damn well choose. If I wanted to get an office to write in, I would, but I just so happen to like writing at home. That doesn’t automatically make me your damn maid!”

“You’re here more often.”

“I’m asking you to put your silverware in one side of the sink. I don’t know what the big damn deal is.”

“It’s the way you’re asking.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate the way you’re responding to an incredibly simple request. One, I might add, I have been requesting for eight years. After so many years you’d think something would have stuck in that thick skull of yours.”

“You know what? I’m tired of this shit, I’m going to go work,” Tom said with finality, pushing up from the wall and charging out the door without looking back.

“Fine! Walk away from this conversation. It’s what you’re good at!” she shouted to his retreating back, but the days when Tom would come back to continue the argument were long gone as well. When two people learn everything about each other, including the tactics they use in daily marital combat, they learn the defenses against them as well. Sammy knew better than to fall into the trap he had set for her earlier when he was trying to insist that she was the one being ridiculous. In the earlier years, this would have elicited an incredible outburst from Sammy, wherein she would get hysterical and hard to understand, thus affording Tom the completely legitimate excuse that she was too angry to talk to so that he could leave and cool down.

The thoughts passing through her head were so dysfunctional and hopeless all at once that Sammy felt it physically draining her. She sat down on the barstool, putting her head in her hands as she tried to sort through the gnarled cobwebs of confusion in her tired brain.

There had been a lot happening in the past few months that was causing her this anxiety and exhaustion. Since Tom and Joe had started finally gaining some traction on their project, they had both thrown themselves in fully, thus taking Tom away from the house more often and causing Sammy to lose one of her closest friends more frequently as well. The lack of Tom’s physical, emotional, and mental presence was taking its toll on Sammy, and she was watching the fine cracks of her resolve starting to affect her marriage as well and it pained her. She had been married once before and wasn’t keen to let another one fail anytime soon, especially when it was Tom.

She calmed herself down, telling herself it was just a rough patch. She repeated this over and over to herself as she sat, telling herself that deep down, she and Tom were meant to be together and that no matter what situation it was, no matter how sticky, they could figure it out. She would give him his space and then go tell him how she was really feeling later. He always appreciated when she did that. Or at least, he used to.

On top of the incredible stress and excitement that was coming from Joe and Tom’s companion project, Sammy was anxious to go a little out of her comfort zone with her next series of books. She had just wrapped up yet another supernatural romance set that was wildly popular, but was itching to do something different. Ever since Tom had started branching out and getting behind the camera in so many of his films, she had wanted to follow in his brave footsteps and take a chance on something new.

She tossed the idea around with her editor a bit, who had wholeheartedly agreed to help her with the project, granted she came up with some book ideas that they could discuss and go over. He sent her off with this task and within a week she had to have the ideas ready for their meeting. She wanted to have a good list because it was possible that for twenty ideas she had, he would only like one, or maybe none.

Sammy was feeling the pressure of coming up with this. She had intended to ask Tom for help but she knew that his response was going to be that he was much too busy for whatever she had going on. He would tell her to go to Molly or Joe, but Joe was busy and Molly wasn’t in Michigan currently. She and Ryan were in California for another premiere and she didn’t want to call and bug her friend with something like this, so she kept all of it to herself.

However, she was having a hell of a time getting anything done with the insanity of the household weighing so heavily on her every day. She knew Tom would tell her to quit worrying, but sometimes it just wasn’t that easy, especially when it feels as though your partner and companion is not there by your side when you need them the most.

There was just so much going on in her head that it made Sammy feel slightly insane. She wanted things to be easy and wonderful like they were in the first few years of their marriage. There was nothing quite like that first year, finding out they were pregnant with their second baby, a baby that Tom got to be around for from the very beginning. He was ecstatic and sweet, the wonderful doting husband and father, giving his love to Emma and making sure she felt included. He still felt guilty about not going through this with her so he didn’t want her to think he was going to love the new baby more because he actually got to be there for all of it. Sammy remembered what a great job he did through everything, how wonderful he was, and how much of an unbelievable relief it was to have someone there with you to do the heavy lifting of infant care. Sammy was able to come down off of her hormonal body changes without any thoughts of throwing herself out the window with frustration and anger. She had the chance to eat, sleep, shower, and actually feel somewhat human as a new mother. It was wonderful.

Things after that were comfortable and fun, being with Tom as he got to watch Izzie make all of her milestones. Whether it was a product of the fact that Tom had been there from the beginning or if it was just because their personalities were so similar, Izzie became a daddy’s girl from the moment she could speak and had been ever since. Sammy was okay with it, grateful really, because she knew how badly he wanted it. He and Emma were plenty close, but she would always be Sammy’s girl. They were in it together for so long alone that it was hard to sever that kind of bond. She only hoped that their relationship dynamics didn’t harm the way her children felt about their love for them.

She sighed heavily, setting her head against the cool counter. More than likely, her daughters were fine and she was just completely overanalyzing something for the millionth time. It was annoying having a brain that was so active in this respect, distracted so easily by emotional nonsense and stuff that she didn’t need to worry about. Tom was so easy going most of the time, he never let anything like this bug him. He didn’t give thought to the future nearly as heavily as she did, trying to avoid the ‘what ifs’ and stressing about things that haven’t even happened yet. His ability to let things roll off his shoulders was something Sammy desperately envied at times.

Today was not one of these days. She wished he would care more.

Finally deciding it was time to stop wallowing and get on with the day since Tom was not going to realize the error of his ways, Sammy stood up, fixed herself a cup of coffee, and headed into the extra bedroom they had converted into her writing space. She was going to get at least five ideas written down right now before she got back up. She desperately needed to do this and maybe the distraction would prove effective against the need she had to scream into a pillow.

It didn’t take long for her to get a few good ones out. She narrowed her options down to two lists, fiction and non-fiction. She was heavily leaning toward non-fiction because she was so used to writing stories about fake characters, so she wanted to do something. She decided to throw the idea of a memoir on there, being married to a celebrity and everything that happened between them, but she really didn’t think she would want to follow through with that. She and Tom were good about keeping private and had agreed on it from the beginning. However, they had been together for thirteen years, not to mention the five years they’d been in love and not together yet. Maybe it was time to tell their story.

Then again, it was probably not a great idea. She kept it on the list, just to run by her editor, but unless he seriously insisted on it, she was putting it at the bottom. She started listing a few other things and really felt as though she was getting into a groove, only to be interrupted when her daughters came home, loudly protesting and bickering. Sammy sighed heavily and dropped her head down onto the desk, squeezing her eyes shut. She had to deal with Tom and his idiocy when it came to these dumb arguments and now her children were here, squabbling and making everything that much tenser in the household.

“Mom! Mom!”

Sammy didn’t move for a long moment. She didn’t want to be dragged into anything and she certainly didn’t want to emerge from her cocoon. In here, this was her space. She had put her foot down many years ago, telling everyone in the house, including frequent visitors like Joe and Molly, that her office was a ‘Mom-free’ zone. This meant that whenever she was in there, she was not to be approached or bothered because she was in there to do work. Petty arguments could wait or be taken to Dad. If there was anything she was desperately needed for, Tom knew how to approach her about it and she wasn’t unreasonable. She would put down what she was doing, because at the end of the day she was a wife and mother first. However, it seemed as of late that her rule was just not being followed.

“MOM!”

“WHAT!” she screamed, finally unable to contain herself. Tom had to know that she was in her office and he wasn’t doing a thing to stop this onslaught of insanity. Her blood started to boil at this implication and she saved what she was working on and jumped up off of her computer so she wouldn’t have to bring the inevitable fight into her office.

Not a moment too soon she stepped out of her office to see her two redheaded children storming toward her, Emma a ball of pubescent hormonal fury, Izzie consternated and angry that her sister is taking advantage of her youth. Above all else, Isabella was a child that was wise far beyond her years, which any other time was quite a blessing, but when Emma started getting uppity about being so much older, it only caused problems.

“Izzie won’t stop saying that I’m in love with Billy and she’s embarrassing me and she doesn’t even care!”

“I don’t care. You do love Billy!”

“NO I DON’T, IZ!”

“YES YOU DO!”

“SON OF A BITCH, SHUT UP!” Sammy screamed as she entered the room where the two girls, still surrounded by the items of clothing they had peeled off after walking in the door, stood screaming at each other. Just as Sammy blew up she saw Tom stepping in, his face red, his eyes narrowed as he was trying to ascertain what was going on in here.

Sammy realized right then that she had everyone’s attention, if only for a minute. Emma and Izzie were staring up at her, their bright wide eyes unblinking. Tom was standing in the doorway, his arms crossed as he watched, his face expressionless. It would have been nice to get some help but she knew, with the unspoken strain between them right now, that she was on her own. Plus she was the one who was screaming. She decided to do this quickly before the girls started screaming again and she couldn’t get a word in.

“Emma, you’re fourteen for crying out loud. Quit arguing with your sister, she’s just saying the shit to piss you off and you’re allowing her to do it. Knock it off, grow up, and go do your homework.” Emma huffed, but grabbed her bag and stormed out of the room. “Iz, you know better than to tease your sister when she’s embarrassed about something to begin with. She’s irrational, volatile, and probably going to blow up about something stupid right now. You’re smarter than that. You need to wait a couple of minutes and then go apologize to Emma.”

“But, Mom –”

“NO BUTS! Just do it.”

“Fine,” she said finally, reaching for her own book bag and charging out of the room. Sammy took a moment before she lifted her head to look over at her husband, and mostly, she expected him to have disappeared once everything had died down. She honestly didn’t have much hope for his sympathies anytime soon and she wracked her brain trying so desperately to figure out what she had done wrong lately. It wasn’t as though she went out of her way to piss him off or anything.

Finally, she opened her eyes and looked over to the doorway, pleasantly surprised to see that Tom was still there. His face was no longer expressionless. A small, crooked smile was playing on his lips, beautiful and content, reminding her so much of his younger self that it made her feel a little sad, because it had been so long since she saw that look in his eyes.

“What?” she asked, unable to contain the smile that started spreading across her lips. No matter how angry she was or how hurt she was by Tom’s actions, she was still so weak for him at times that it honestly made her feel a little helpless. This wasn’t exactly a good thing anymore.

“I just… I liked the way you handled that,” he said, standing up to his full height. “Blimey, it was perfect.”

Sammy tried to maintain a stronghold on that frustration and anger she had felt for her husband earlier. She tried to conjure all the reasons she was upset with him, everything she had brainstormed over the last hour that they hadn’t spoken, all of the things she wanted to say to him that she never really got the chance to express, but in that instant, it all disappeared. For just one shining moment, her heart warmed and her entire body flushed with the pleasure of his praise for her. It was so rare anymore that she felt exquisite each time he was feeling charitable enough to hand it over to her.

He crossed the room then and Sammy felt her knees nearly buckle as he gathered her into his arms like he used to, gazing down into her eyes. The delicate lines around his eyes were etched much deeper than when she had first met him, but they were still as beautiful as ever. She could see the brush of freckles across his nose and cheekbones, almost as though they were dry brushed right against his skin. His curly red hair was cropped close so he didn’t have to do much with it, and she could see the slight graying of hair at his temples. It was insanely sexy.

It didn’t matter how far apart they seemed to drift or how angry and upset she was for things said or unsaid, whenever she was in Tom’s arms, she knew, down into the darkest depths of her soul that this was where she was meant to be.

She allowed herself to fully drink in the moment, let herself soar on it, because she knew at any moment it was bound to end. He was smiling at her and he leaned in to give her a short, sweet kiss on the lips. They didn’t linger for nearly as long as she would have liked, unfortunately.

“Well, I’m certainly glad you approved,” she said with a small laugh.

Tom frowned at her. “What do you mean by that?”

The churning started in Sammy’s stomach again. She didn’t mean for that to come off antagonistic and she was afraid that he was going to take it that way. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t read into it I was just trying to be funny.”

“It sounded serious.”

“I was kidding.”

Tom pulled away from her and stepped back, running a hand through his hair. “I have to get back to work. I just heard from Jan and we’re supposed to be starting location scouting in the next few days.”

“Oh, all right,” Sammy said, trying to hide the obvious disappointment in her voice. Of course she couldn’t assume that Tom had forgotten about earlier, but it seemed silly for him to be stuck on it. Usually he was much better about letting things roll off his shoulders.

Then again, that was then. This was now.

“You still have work to do, right? Those ideas?” he asked, almost as an afterthought.

“Oh, yeah, right,” she said, nodding. She felt like an idiot and then all of a sudden furious, thinking for a moment that her husband would take time out of his day to spend time giving her some attention and allowing her to talk to him.

With the weight of absolute crushing disappointment, Sammy came to the realization that in this house, she was very, very much alone. Tom didn’t wait another second for her approval. He flashed her a sad smile and walked away, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumped forward in what looked like defeat.

Sammy didn’t linger in the empty living room a moment longer. She decided to put her body in motion, trying to distract herself from the nagging doubts about her marriage and just get something productive done. She headed upstairs to check on her daughters and to ensure that Izzie had remembered to go apologize to Emma. She supervised while it was done, assured the girls that if they were going to continue this fight they would be punished accordingly, gave them a moment of affection to assuage her own loneliness, and headed back downstairs.

Before she made it to her office, though, a million thoughts had entered her head and she knew the moment she shut and locked the door behind her that she wasn’t going to be getting any more work done. So much had happened in the course of a couple of hours that it hurt her head to think about, so the instant her door was closed, she fell against it and slid down to the floor where she remained while the tears came forth without hesitation.

Sammy allowed herself to cry for what felt like an hour before she actually had time to wrap her mind around everything.

It was painfully obvious to Sammy that her marriage was in a very bad place. She would have called it a ‘rough patch’ but normally, their rough patches lasted maybe a few weeks, hardly ever over a month. This state of affairs had been continuing almost a year now and it broke her heart to know that there was no end in sight. Tom was always too busy for her. He never had the time or the inclination to open up and communicate with her and it had been far too long since they had a night together where they did absolutely nothing like they used to. Nothing had changed that much, in fact, Tom wasn’t nearly as busy as he had been in the infancy of their marriage. He was now more and more often behind the camera instead of in front of it. This afforded him the ability to set his own schedule and yet, despite that fact, he was busier than usual.

Either that or he was deliberately avoiding being with her, which on its own was enough to produce another round of tears.

Things had been so tense and heartbreaking for so long that Sam really felt like she had lost herself in the midst of trying to hang onto her sanity. She was trying to be strong and she knew that her walls were starting to crumble around her. She needed her husband. She needed her companion and best friend. That’s all she wanted, she wanted her Tom back.

She still didn’t know why he was acting the way he was and she didn’t have time to overanalyze it. She had a career and a deadline to meet, children to raise and a household to run. Sammy didn’t have time to sit cooped up in her office crying for the dissolution of her marriage. She had to just suck it up and deal with it. She made a commitment to her marriage and family, and this was one of those ‘for better or for worse’ moments that she promised to see it through. She just had to do that.

And yet the thought of standing up and leaving, facing the rest of the world outside of this little bubble right now sounded incredibly unbearable. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe. It was devastating knowing that everything around her was falling to pieces and she could do nothing to stop it. She was only one woman and she couldn’t hold on for too long.

She brought her knees closer to her and sobbed as silently as possible into her jeans, trying not to be too loud. Her daughters didn’t need to hear her breakdown and she didn’t want Tom finding her in here like this. Then she would have an explanation and a frustrated husband that didn’t need his wife falling to pieces while he was busy.

The fog in her mind lifted just for a second and she wondered where that beautiful man she met in the bar went. In the five years he had disappeared from her life she had dreamed of his face, his smile, his body, everything about him, and she wished so desperately that he would come back to her. When he did come back, everything she had thought about those past five years had evaporated and all she knew was Tom.

Tom was everything and she knew that to him, she was everything. However, the last year had caused her to seriously question whether this sentiment was true at all. She certainly didn’t feel like Tom’s everything. She barely felt like his anything at times. If this very important fact of their relationship was something that she had lost sight of, what else was she not seeing quite right in her marriage?

And to that end, why had she fallen so deeply under his spell in the first place?

It had been eighteen years since she had set eyes on that beautiful British mystery man in the bar that night. Everything about him was glittering and perfect, his chivalry, his sweetness, even the polite way he asked to join her, a question that would forever ring in their ears as the moment their lives were changed. But past that, Sammy lost all of the minute details that really came together to form the picture of why they were so deeply connected. 

With a deep, shaking breath, Sammy opened her eyes and stared straight ahead, finally coming to the sad, disheartening realization that she couldn’t remember the reason she had agreed to marry Tom in the first place. It was a horrible thing to say. He was the father of her children, the other half to her soul, the man she had waited a lifetime for, and she still couldn’t put her finger on what it was that she so deftly loved anymore.

A fresh wave of tears broke from her and Sammy knew that from this point on, she was well and truly alone. Cold fear flooded her every empty, aching vein, her lungs punctured with icicles and anger as she sobbed, trying to flush all of the terror and anguish from her skin. If she didn’t get out of this cycle soon, she would likely go insane from the stress.

She was already starting to feel sick. She needed something, some kind of an outlet. She needed someone desperately, someone that wasn’t Tom, because he was obviously not a reliable source.

She sniffled, shaking her head. No one had time for this old woman and her baggage. Her husband didn’t have time for her and she didn’t want to bother her best girlfriend while she was so busy in her traveling with Ryan. She called every few days to check in and update her, but that didn’t leave much time to vent and have girl time and tell her about everything that was going on.

So in all actuality, Sammy had no one when she desperately needed someone to feed her wine and listen to her cry.

She wiped her eyes again and decided it was time to stand up and be an adult, leave this office and get things around for dinner. It had to be closing in on four or five by now and usually she was starting on dinner by now while also checking on the girls to make sure that they were doing their homework. She took a deep breath, calming herself down, trying to get rid of the wet, puffy eyes she knew she would now be sporting. The last thing she wanted was for everyone in the house to know that she had spent the last hour crying.

As she was kicking her legs out to stand up, she felt something vibrate in her pocket. She paused for a moment while she was getting around and reached in for her phone, peering down as it lit up in her hands with the light of a new text message.

Unspeakably and without reason, Sammy’s entire body warmed and she felt as though she was infinitely lighter than she had been just a second ago. The idea that she had no one was now replaced with the renewed sense of hope that radiated so deep in her heart that it made the rest of her life not seem as bleak.

She stared down at the received text message, unable to even touch it for a while before she went to answer it. She knew now that there was someone out there, someone that cared about her and was always willing to help and support her.

Just as she was taking the extra second to compose her reply, as though everything in the universe was fixating on this one point to make her realize she wasn’t alone. The phone started ringing and Sammy couldn’t help the grin that burst across her face as she eagerly answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey, Sam,” came the soft, lilting voice on the other end, the one that always made Sammy feel comfortable and complete, like a warm, soft blanket on a cold night. “Sorry I didn’t wait for you to text me back, I was just hoping to hear from you sooner rather than later.”

“Um, that’s really sweet of you, Joe.” Sammy couldn’t help the happiness she felt speaking to him. In that instant she knew that she didn’t want to be alone anymore. “Why exactly did you need to hear from me? Is everything all right?”

“Well, I know Tom’s busy tonight and I had dinner plans with someone who just canceled on me, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind escaping and keeping me company?” he asked, sounding hopeful. “That is unless you already started dinner. It’s right around that time isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I suppose it is,” Sammy sighed, stretching out on the floor of her office. The proposition sounded amazing and it was exactly what she needed right now. “But I haven’t started yet, so I’m free.”

“So… it’s a date?”

Sammy stared straight ahead at the wall, contemplating all of the ups and downs, the woes and worries of her marriage, and the fact that she just so desperately wanted someone to connect with right now, and she couldn’t think of a better person that Joe. She needed this and she knew her family wouldn’t miss her for a night.

With a wide smile, Sammy answered, “It’s a date.” She had no idea, however, that by accepting this date as well as the fact that Tom was no longer a viable option for communication that she had opened the door to something incredibly dangerous.


	3. Chapter 3 - Tom

Tom: Then

 

“So what was it you had in mind for collaboration?”

“Honestly,” I say with a nervous laugh, running my hand through my hair, “I can’t say that I know exactly what I want at this point. I suppose we’ll have to see how well this project does. I’ve only just premiered it, obviously.”

“Obviously,” chuckles my new friend. He was no stranger to show business and certainly not to creative collaboration. His name was Joe and he had his own production company. I had been in contact with several people who told me that if I wanted to continue to branch my career out in this fashion, I could, and probably one of the best, most likeminded people to speak with was Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that everyone was right. He was perfect.

“So I think I am anxious to spread my wings production wise,” I explain, stirring my third drink absently in my hand, needing something to do. I shouldn’t be nearly as nervous as I feel, but I can’t help it. I have been on edge since this movie started and now that it’s here at Sundance, I am a wreck. Normally, at least in my marriage, I am the one who is level headed and even keeled. I always keep Samantha from worrying too much, but lately, the roles are reversed. My wife is an absolute angel for dealing with me and keeping her cool.

And then, on top of the success of my movie tonight, I have the overwhelming and all-consuming excitement of another pregnancy, and my very first time being here to experience every moment. Tonight, I am a man that can do no wrong, which is probably why I can’t get my hands to stop twitching. We haven’t told anyone about the baby and we don’t plan to until we go to the doctor and get a confirmed diagnosis. We have also agreed that the first people we tell are my family, Molly, and Emma.

I want to say something. I want to guide my beautiful, glowing wife around and announce our joyous news to anyone within earshot but I keep it to myself. This desire is making it very hard for me to carry on a normal conversation.

“I think you are ready for it,” Joe says with a grin. “You have vision, which is rare, and I know that I would like to get in on the ground floor with you on something. You need someone to guide you through producing and making your own films, because it’s going to be hard. You’re going to hit some walls, you’re going to meet resistance and people and critics that want to give you a hard time, so it’s always easier to do that with someone who can work those angles and knows the ins and outs of putting together their own projects. I want to do that for you.”

My entire body flushes with relief and such pure joy that I feel for a moment I am about to pass out from the sheer excitement of it all. I was right. I truly can do no wrong today. My gratitude must show in my features because Joe is already smiling widely at me, but he allows me the moment to collect my dignity before I answer. I put a hand on his shoulder and nod my head. “I am so glad to hear that. You have no idea how anxious I was about coming over and talking to you.”

“It’s okay, really,” Joe says with a laugh, shaking his head as he takes a sip of his drink. “No need to feel anxious, we’re in this together. We’re in the same business, why shouldn’t we help each other out?” I nod in appreciation of this sentiment. “And you know, you seem like a nice, genuine person, someone who really has a voice for all the right reasons. I want to be part of that.”

I really didn’t expect to hear anything like this and I certainly hadn’t expected to make a friend out of this encounter, but it is wonderful that I have. A wide grin spreads across my face and I want to do so many irrational things right now. I want to throw my arms around this man, tell him that his approval and his newfound friendship was so warm and welcome in my life right now that it is the icing on the cake of this perfect evening.

“I appreciate that, I really do,” I tell him, because it is the least crazy thing I can do right now to express my happiness. “I think my wife will be very happy as well.”

He raises his eyebrows. “I hadn’t heard you were married. Congratulations.”

“Thank you, yes, almost six months now.”

“Newlywed, huh?” he says with a knowing smirk.

I have to smirk back at him. “We’ve been together for quite some time, actually,” I say, because this is a partial truth. In the five years I wasn’t with Samantha I thought of only her. The women I kept company with in that time did little temper the sting of loneliness. There was no replacement for her.

“Still,” he says, and I see something shift in his eyes as for a moment he appears to have seen something quite rare and beautiful. I don’t even hesitate, because I know Samantha must be walking up. She is always a true vision to behold and has the ability to make an entire room full of men to gasp at her mere presence. Tonight is no exception, and she looks absolutely ravishing in the short red dress she has chosen. Coupled with the glow of blissfulness at our discovery this evening, she is magnanimous.

I turn my head and see this vision in rouge, this beautiful, perfect miracle that has given me the deepest, most real connection I have ever felt in my life, along with one bright, beautiful daughter and the welcoming of another child into our family… This woman is my everything, my forever and always, and I only pray that I never, ever forget this fact.

She is smiling brightly, that same radiant grin that can light up a room and make me see the stars shine, the very reason I noticed her in the hotel all those years ago. It is always her smile.

“Hey, you,” she says to me, walking up, slipping her arm around me and craning her neck up to kiss me on the lips. I adore how small she is as well. It only makes me want to gather her into my arms, just to lift her feet from the floor and hear her squeal with delight.

After our short kiss ends I place a kiss softly on her forehead and whisper, “Hi,” because it’s really all I can manage right now. My breath has been taken away completely. I take a moment, close my eyes while my lips are pressed against her skin, and take her in.

Finally, I turn back to Joe, and find my voice. He is staring at her, smiling in appreciation of my beautiful wife, and I find no problem with it. I am quite proud to have this vision on my arm. I smile widely at Joe, saying, “This is Samantha Chance, my wife. Samantha, this is Joseph Gordon-Levitt.”

Surprisingly, I hear my wife giggle girlishly. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. She’s no stranger to the ins and outs of this business, and while we both can get overexcited about certain people we meet (which is always fun. I love that my wife is as big a cinephile as I am), she’s never been outwardly obvious about how star struck she is. I suppose she is just as giddy as I am about the events of tonight, so maybe she is slipping, and it doesn’t bother me if she is.

“I know who he is,” she says quietly, but Joe hears her and laughs. She steps forward, her hands on her chest as she begins to gush like a teenager. “Your portrayal in the Dark Knight series and the Justice League…” she took a deep breath. I nod, a knowing smile crossing my face. I had completely forgotten Joe was ever in that franchise. I should have remembered how big a Batman fan my wife was. “It was inspired. I have been a huge fan since 3rd Rock.”

I wait, on bated breath, for the reaction from Joe, but he seems just as charmed as ever. She is quite charming and not too over the top about her adoration. He merely beams at her and chuckles to himself. “That is very flattering, thank you so much,” he says, gesturing to her that she should sit down.

She returns his smile sheepishly, but I can see the relief in her eyes. She must have realized halfway through what she was doing because her shoulders visibly relax and she sighs heavily, moving to sit down in the seat he had indicated. As soon as she is settled she looks to me, reaches out her hand, and squeezes. I step closer to her and stand close. We both turn to Joe and the conversation picks up after that, steadily and without a single pause for nearly two hours before any of us notices how much time has passed. It is quite a change, meeting someone other than Samantha who could stimulate me as much as Joe could, and I knew right then that this was the beginning of a long friendship.  
 

Tom: Now

 

“Hey, Joe just called. His date cancelled on him and he asked me to come so I’m going with him. I put the chicken in the fridge to thaw if you still wanted to make dinner tonight.”

Tom peered up the instant he heard his wife’s low heeled pumps at my door. They were the only nice shoes she liked because they were ‘comfortable and went with everything.’ Tom would have known their sound anywhere. The instant she poked her head in, though, his heart sunk into his stomach and he wanted to curl up into a corner and hide from his shame. She had attempted to put on makeup to cover it, but he could clearly see the swollen eyes, the red nose, and the watery gaze indicating that she had spent a fair amount of time crying only a few minutes before. He gulped down everything he would have loved to say to her to apologize for what he did, and attempted to make her feel better. “Well, I don’t want to make it without you.”

She rolled her eyes and Tom’s heart sunk even deeper. He had said the wrong thing again. It was coming to a point where he had just completely forgotten how to talk to his wife. He knew it was his fault. The past year had lent itself to some incredibly wonderful opportunities for his career and he had let that get in the way of paying attention to Samantha. Their communication had suffered and after a while it just seemed as though they weren’t connecting the way they used to. And now, they were so far beyond the point of a simple conversation to remedy this fact that Tom didn’t know how to correct it.

“If you don’t want to make the dinner, it’s fine,” she said with an exasperated sigh. She looked away quickly and he could tell she was trying to hide her eyes from him. He felt awful that she felt the need to keep her emotions from him. Was he really so callous and horrible that he wouldn’t understand what she was going through? “We can save that for tomorrow night and you and the girls can order a pizza or something.”

“All right. We’ll order in so we can have dinner with you tomorrow,” he said with a nod, his voice choking the longer he stared at her. He wanted to jump up and grab her, crush her against him, run his fingers through her hair, and tell her that it was all going to be all right. He wanted her to know that she didn’t need to fear being alone, because he was here. He always would be, no matter how many stupid arguments they had or how hard they bickered, his place was here, with her, and that would never change. He had fought so hard to keep her, how could he ever let her go?

And yet, they were as distant as two people could be. Somehow, somewhere along the way when he wasn’t looking, she had drifted from him to a point where he wasn’t quite sure how to bring her back. The pain of this realization was deeply etched into the walls of his heart.

“Okay,” she said, giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thank you.”

He nodded in response. “Have a good time.”

She stood there for a second after he said this and the beat of Tom’s heart sped a little bit as he saw her face soften for a moment, and that woman that he had fallen in love with so many years ago was back, if only for that second. She leaned into the room and whispered, “I love you.”

Tom felt that nervous, jittery feeling he had when he was first sitting next to Samantha in that bar, their knees barely touching as he bought her drink and watched her place the small straw between her full, rich lips. Everything about that night was so sensuous and satisfying that it was thrilling to see that woman show up fifteen years later. “I love you,” he whispered back, and with a final wave, she walked out of sight. A few minutes later he heard the door shut and her car start up.

He threw the black Bic pen he was playing with and covered his face with his hands in frustration. He was completely exhausted with the state of affairs in this household. He was stressed out because of the incredibly demands of this project, he knew that Samantha was feeling pressure for brainstorming new book ideas, and with the added strain between them, Tom knew that Emma and Izzie were responding. Normally, they didn’t bicker much but over the last few weeks it had been an almost daily occurrence. It was wearing on Tom’s nerves. He didn’t need to worry about keeping track of his daughters’ punishments as well as the most effective way to change the tides with his wife.

He moved his hands from his face to prop up behind his head as he leaned back in his office chair. He finally opened his eyes and couldn’t seem to stop staring at the white ceiling of his office, as though if he tried hard enough there would be some kind of a sign as to what he should do to reconcile things with Samantha.

He knew one of his biggest issues right now was the severity of the workload on this project. He hadn’t anticipated undertaking such an incredibly heavy film, especially when he was sharing the workload with his friend. He was at home more often, which he did like because of the time it afforded him with his girls, but there was a lot more to do. Over the years, he and Joe had collaborated on many different projects; some of Tom’s own self-produced films and plays, as well as Joe’s own musical and cinematic ventures were among the shared work. This, however, was theirs together, something they had talked about doing for years, but never had the time set aside for it. When the opportunity presented itself, they took it immediately. Now, they were moments away from finding a location, and Tom was anxious for the email or phone call he would receive for it. He had been waiting all day for it, which was the main reason he was so touchy today. He felt as though the moment he had walked out of his office, Samantha was there, waiting to pounce on him about something that he just didn’t have the time to fix or discuss, especially a small household issue.

He knew that he was being an ass and he didn’t mean to. He wanted to tell Samantha he was sorry that he had blown up over something so dumb when all it would have taken to end the argument was for him to apologize and promise to pay better attention. There was something in him that was just making it impossible for him to sound like an intelligent, compassionate human being and the more it continued, the more he hated himself for it.

He took a deep breath and looked down at the watch on his left wrist. The time had somehow flown by and it was already time for dinner. He knew the girls would be getting hungry soon. He elected to take a second before he got up and went to check on them, just so he wasn’t wearing these heavy emotions on his face. His children were perceptive and he didn’t want them knowing that there was anything wrong, if they hadn’t figured it out already.

There was so much wrong in his head right now and he felt that he wasn’t going to be able to get any more work done today. He was too anxious waiting for that phone call and he was most definitely too concerned about the circumstances of Sammy’s departure to focus on much else. He was trying hard to pinpoint the problem, the mitigating factor that had made this past year so hard on their relationship. He knew that it took two people to cause a fight, but he didn’t have direct control over what Samantha was doing. He knew if he was willing to fix his mistakes and admit he was wrong first, Samantha would easily follow suit and do the same, and things could start to get better.

At the bottom of it all, he didn’t want to lose her. From the moment he first met this woman he knew she was going to be his whole life. For all the years he grew up obsessed with movies and fantastic love stories, he’d always loved the notion of a man spotting a woman across the room and simply knowing that this woman was going to be his wife. It was something he always thought would be an incredible way of starting his own love story. Never in a million years did he think it was actually going to happen to him, because as so many people learn quickly, life is not at all like the movies.

Samantha was the woman that he saw smiling widely in a dimly lit bar, a stunning vision in pink, somewhat mysterious in her stoic silence but completely fixating nonetheless. He found himself wondering what she was keeping secret. He wanted to know her story. She was, by far, one of the most captivating creatures he’d ever seen. For him, it had been an insane weekend at Comic-Con and he was already looking to go grab a drink in the bar so he could unwind properly.

Where along the way had he forgotten her? He sat with his hands curled up underneath his chin, moving them up to rub his eyes as every horrible word sputtered, yelled, or even mumbled between the two of them and what he saw there was not a pretty sight.

“I don’t understand why you’re be so irrational and ridiculous.”

“You don’t have to shout at me, I know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing.”

“It’s really stupid for you to be upset about that.”

“I can’t believe you pulled me from what I was doing to discuss this. This is trivial nonsense.”

“Have you lost the ability to think or something?”

“What the hell is this madness? Can’t you just take over? I’m waiting on an important phone call.”

“I am not being an ass, you’re just overly sensitive.”

Tom heard these words reverberate against the walls of his thick skull and he felt completely mortified and angry with the carelessness in which he had spoken to his wife of late. It was totally unacceptable. He had always preached love and respect, promoting the idea that one should absolutely treasure the woman they loved and he had fallen behind in this regard. He had forgotten to love her and tell her how much he appreciated her being with him.

He was a cad. An absolute idiot. What the hell was he going to do to make things better? He felt that if he actually sat down and talked to her at this point she would have thought he was just being an ass again. He had done irreparable damage to his wife’s heart and he couldn’t handle this knowledge.

The real problem was his damned pride. For some reason, he just could not seem to swallow it and admit that he had been wrong for a long, long time. Every time Samantha started in on something he allowed that primitive male part of his brain to control his tongue and without being able to stop himself, he would say the most horrid things and then forget to apologize for it later. He was so wrapped up in what he had said and how he was feeling or had made Samantha feel about it that he forgot the best way to fix all of it would have been to just start apologizing like he used to.

He recalled a time in their marriage when it only took him five minutes to realize that what he had said was asinine and he needed to apologize immediately. Somewhere along the line he had stopped doing it. A lot of things had changed between the two of them over the years and he accepted that, because that happens in any relationship, but some things had not changed for the better.

Sighing heavily, Tom realized that there was no use in obsessing over this if there was nothing he could do about it. He chose then to go check on his girls and leave his work for later. It was just better that he distracted himself with something and spending time with his daughters was an amazing excuse. He tossed a few things around to make sure they were in order when he came back to it and jumped up off of the chair, shutting off the light, and closing the door to his office. He was heading toward the stairs and pulling his mobile out to phone for pizza so he could have that on its way before he even had a chance to check on the girls. He paused in the kitchen while he put in the order for delivery, and once he was through, he hung up and headed upstairs to tell his girls that they had a half hour before dinner would be there.

He hit the landing and made a quick decision to turn left instead of right to go talk to Izzie first. He assumed she’d probably be the most delighted to see him, so he was willing to handle that encounter first. He knocked softly on the door before popping his head right in and giving his youngest daughter a wide, happy grin. “Hello, sweetheart,” he greeted happily. “Did you finish your school work?”

“Almost,” she said with a big, gap-toothed grin of her own. He knew that when it came to who looked more like him physically, Emma was the clear winner, but Izzie was so like him in personality that it was just as easy to tell whose daughter she was. It was hard to deny her much. She seemed to understand this as well and she knew him almost as well as she knew herself.

“Well, Mum went out to dinner with Uncle Joe so we’re stuck home without her tonight,” he explained to her, stepping into her room once he knew that it was okay. He liked to give his daughters a respectable bubble of privacy. He and Samantha had agreed long ago if they treated their daughters like humans instead of mindless children they would grow into more mature and respectful adults.

“So that means we’re having pizza,” she stated matter-of-factly. Tom had to beam proudly at just how astute she really was for being so young.

“That is correct,” he said, walking up to her. He kissed the top of her head, her long, straight strawberry blonde hair smelling sweetly of the coconut shampoo Samantha liked to buy for them. “It should be here in about thirty minutes, so I’d like you downstairs by then. How much more do you have to do?”

“Not much,” she said, pursing her lips. She was in second grade and he was surprised at the amount of work they gave her for the weekends but she always seemed to manage. “Just a math worksheet,” she said, peering over at her stack of finished homework and fishing a blank page out. He knew Izzie would have that done quickly, since she really excelled in math, so he gave her another quick kiss on the head and left her to her own devices. He trusted she’d be down within ten minutes. He closed the door behind him and headed down the hallway to Emma’s door. His teenage daughter was far less understanding about being interrupted. It didn’t stop him from coming up here when he needed to, he was the parent after all, but it made him a little less happy about coming to do it.

“Emma, darling, can I come in?” he called through the heavy wooden door.

There was no direct response. He heard something rustling before he finally heard her feet hit the floor and walk toward him. She wrenched the door open, looking slightly miffed that he had interrupted whatever she was doing, but overall not too upset by it. That was fine. He could deal with ‘slightly miffed.’ It was much better than he was expecting after her fight with Izzie earlier.

“What’s up?” she asked, sounding even less upset than he even assumed she was a second ago.

“Wanted to let you know that your mum went out to dinner so I ordered some delivery,” he explained. He didn’t bother stepping inside of her room. He clearly saw from his vantage point that she had her finished homework in a pile by the side of the bed, tossed haphazardly onto her crinkled, empty book bag. He shook his head at her carelessness. She so often lost her homework because she wouldn’t take the few extra seconds it would take to put them in her folder. It came to a point where they told her they were no longer going to force her to make sure she had all of her work in. If her grade was affected enough maybe she would finally learn the lesson. So far, no such luck.

“Sounds good, Dad, thanks,” she said, making to shut the door.

“Hey,” he said, extending his long arm out to stop her from pushing it closed any further. “Are you all right?” He needed to know why all of a sudden she was fine. Normally after any kind of argument it took Emma several hours before she wasn’t furious any longer. Samantha assured him she would grow out of it, because she knew used to be the same exact way. Their similarities were, at times, staggering. “You and Izzie had that fight earlier and you’re not angry still. What’s going on?”

She gave him a noncommittal shrug and crinkled her brow at him in thought. “Mom told Izzie to say she was sorry to me and she did. That’s all.”

He narrowed his eyes at his eldest child and cocked his head, the crinkle in his own brow perfectly mirroring Emma’s. “That doesn’t set well with me, Emma,” he said to her, puzzled. “Izzie just walks over and apologizes and it’s enough? You’re usually a little more –” he stopped before he said ‘irrational,’ because he knew the irreparable damage it did to tell a woman she was being ‘irrational.’ Especially an irrational teenaged one.

She rolled her eyes and stepped back, indicating he could come in. He stepped into the bedroom and stopped, turning to face her with his arms crossed. He gave her a look that demanded explanation, so she sighed heavily, threw herself onto her bed and tried her hardest to avoid his gaze. She stared down at her fingers as she picked at the chipped blue nail polish. He was a little nervous at what she was going to say, not because he thought something was wrong, but because he had a sick feeling she was about to gush about a boy or something. This was not something he thought he could handle hearing about right now. He didn’t have the spare emotions to feel worry and anger about the possibility of his daughter dating.

“What is it?” he asked after she was silent for another few seconds.

“Izzie and I talked about you and Mom,” she whispered, obviously afraid of what he would say in response to this confession.  
Tom went numb from head to toe. There had been no preparing for that revelation. He had really been steeling himself for something else entirely. He was so taken aback that he was speechless for a solid minute, long enough that Emma finally looked up from her fingers to see what he was doing. He floundered for a second longer before he closed his mouth and reclaimed his ability to speak. “What exactly did you two talk about?”

She shrugged and averted her eyes again before she spoke. “Just… just how much you guys have been fighting lately. We were trying to figure out why.”

Tom squeezed his eyes shut, unfolded his arms, and covered his face. He knew that the instant his child breathed those words he would start crying and she didn’t need to see her father break down. He staunched the flow quickly and opened his eyes again. Emma was staring up at him, hard, as though she were trying to read his mind.

This contention with Samantha was now officially out of hand. The one thing they had always promised one another was that they would never force their children to worry about anything that was out of their realm of childhood. Samantha recalled how her parents had constantly worried and complained about paying the bills and it was something she had to worry about when she should have been focused on school and being a kid for just a few minutes longer. Tom, for the most part, had not been privy to the issues between his parents that had led up to their divorce, but there was definitely a feeling of unhappiness for the months preceding it and that was hard to tolerate as well.

Now, in this one utterly horrifying moment, Tom had discovered that they’d repeated their parents’ mistakes and it was going to be something he never forgave himself for. Once innocent ears heard the rumblings of discourse it could not be unheard.  
Even among the thousands of angry, snarled thoughts firing their way through his synapses, Tom knew the most important thing to do right now was to assure Emma that everything was okay. He didn’t even have to believe it wholeheartedly to say it.

“Emma, what on earth ever gave you and Izzie the idea that you had to figure out anything that goes on between your mum and me?”

Another shrug. “We just don’t want you guys to fight.”

With another sigh, Tom ran a hand over his face and stepped over to his daughter’s bed, moving a few of her things and settling in next to her. He started to reach his hand up to throw around her shoulder like he always did whenever he sat with her, but the last few times he had done it she had wriggled away from him, so he knew she was probably finally at that age where overly affectionate parents were a nuisance. He put his hand awkwardly back on his lap and exhaled again before speaking. “We don’t want you and Izzie to fight, either, but you still do. If life were perfect, everyone would get along famously and there would be no need for relationships to grow and change because no one would get annoyed with each other at all. But life isn’t like that. People who love each other very much get angry with one another. It doesn’t mean that their relationship is ending or over. It just means that it’s changing.”

“Sometimes change can be bad,” Emma said to him, still staring down at her hands. “Maybe you and Mom have changed so much from when you first met that you don’t even know each other anymore? I’m sure that’s not change that will lead to you two staying together.”

“Emma,” Tom said with insistence. Her gaze met his momentarily, his wife’s dark eyes shining back at her. It was the only thing, appearance wise, she had inherited from her. “You do not need to worry about your mum and me. You or your sister, do you understand me?”

“But, Dad –”

“Emma Rose I asked you a question,” he said sternly. “You do not worry about me and Mum, you do not try to ‘figure it out,’ and you certainly don’t need to be keeping it a secret if you have something on your mind that you want to talk me or Mum about. All right?”

“Okay,” Emma said with a huff.

Tom gulped past the emotions choking his throat, seeing the concern on his daughter’s face. It was clear that his daughters didn’t want their parents to become another statistic, but it wasn’t anything they needed to worry about. There was no way he could get through the rest of his life without his better half by his side. Things had just fallen by the wayside as of late and all they needed was to get on the right track to fix it.

“Pizza will be here soon,” he said, swallowing everything he wanted to scream right now to escape from this room as quickly as possible. Now that he had at least tried to comfort Emma and assure her everything was okay, he really needed a moment to process everything. He had come so close to breaking down in front of her a few moments ago that holding it in much longer was going to cause an even messier breakdown. “Please go check on your sister in a few minutes, see if she’d done with her homework before you come down for dinner.”

“Alright,” Emma whispered as Tom stood up from her bed and made a beeline to the door.

He paused before he walked out, looking back at his beautiful fourteen-year-old daughter, this little treasure that only a second ago had been four years old, asking him if he was her Disney prince. He beamed at her. “I love you, darling.”

She seemed almost surprised to hear it, but she didn’t deny him an answer. She gave him the same smile and said, “I love you too, Dad.”

His heart warmed at this wonderful shared moment and he backed out of the room, hoping to hold onto it for just a bit longer, before she came downstairs and was back to being inexplicably angry with him again. He headed down to the living room to pick out a movie to watch with the girls while he waited for the pizza to arrive. The entertainment center they’d set up was large enough to hold their massive and ever growing movie collection. It was incredibly convenient but because of the overwhelming number it could be quite tedious to choose. Many of their friends had criticized them for even bothering to keep physical copies of the movies anymore since everything was digital and it only took up valuable floor space, but no one understood cinema like Tom and Sammy. They were purists in a very real sense. They loved the idea of having a collection of physical movies that included special features and behind the scenes extras to enhance the viewing. It wasn’t about quantity, it was about quality.

Tom chuckled to himself as he stood in front of the wall of movie cases. Maybe it wasn’t such a good thing that both he and his wife were such huge movie buffs. Someone needed to be there as the voice of reason to temper the insanity of building this collection. He started with movies he knew the girls had not seen yet and just as he was starting to get a decent pile going, his phone started ringing in his back pocket.

Knowing that it was probably the phone call he was waiting for, he dropped what he was doing to answer the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello, Tom, it’s Jan.”

“Hello, Jan, I’ve been expecting your call,” he said, his heart drumming with excitement. He wanted to demand what the word was, what had been decided, but he was going to be patient. “How are you?”

“I’m well, Tom, thank you. I was calling to let you know that we’re ready to go ahead and scout for locations,” she explained. Tom heard the faint rustling of paper on her end of the line. She was obviously still in her office.

“That’s fantastic,” he said, happy to hear this at least. He had hoped they would have made a decision without needing to spend the time and money to go scout for a location, but it was good to know that they were ready to start. “What will I need to do to help?” Tom rearranged the movies on the coffee table and then stood up to get back to the wall, hoping to find some more titles.

“Well, that’s the reason I’m calling you tonight instead of tomorrow morning when I come back in,” she said. “We’ve been going over this and we think the best option for you to find exactly what you want is just for you to make the trip yourself. We’re going to be heading there in a few months to start shooting anyway.”

Tom stopped dead. The last time he had gone to film for an extended period of time he had promised Samantha he wouldn’t need to go anywhere for a while. So far, he’d held up his promise and he wasn’t keen to go breaking it. “I don’t know about that, Jan, what about asking Joe to go?”

“We were planning on asking him to go as well. You’re the one directing this, we assumed you’d want to be on the front lines, figuring out where you’d like the story to be told.”

Tom frowned. Normally, that would be an accurate statement. In his younger years he had been up for all sorts of adventures and this would have been a chance he would jump at without a second of hesitation. Now, he had a family. He had daughters that obviously needed him to be around to prove his permanence here and a wife that was already feeling overly neglected. There was no way he could do this.

“And any other time you’d be absolutely correct,” he confessed to her. “But it’s not a good time for me to be away from home for long right now.”

“This would be a weekend trip at best,” she explained to him, using her best sales pitch. They obviously wanted him on this trip. “Maybe it would do you good to get away, clear your head a bit.”

The longer she talked to him about it the more tempting it sounded to actually do this. It had been ages since he undertook something like this on a whim just because he could and he could feel his resolve weakening. Maybe she was right. He’d already picked the general area for where he wanted the film shot and he had a perfect idea in his mind of the backdrop. It wouldn’t take him more than a day of looking around to pick the ideal spot, and then after a good night’s sleep he’d be back on a plane.

“I’d let you take the night to think about it, but the studio needs to know tonight if you are on board,” she said, the slightest hint of haste in her voice. What she really meant was that she needed the answer now. She was just trying to phrase it politely.  
Tom took a step back from the wall and turned to survey the house around him. It was just a home, but right now, it was a symbol of the life he’d built with Samantha. The family photographs on the walls, the framed school artwork, the graded tests on the refrigerator, even the slights and imperfections from the years of raising children proved a family resided within this home. Tom wasn’t willing to forget for a second longer what he was fighting so hard to hold onto.

He had promised Samantha that he would take time off of traveling to be at home with her and the girls. Things had changed drastically since that promise had been made. Things were worse at home than before. Maybe the common denominator was the fact that he travelled every so often and they had the opportunity to miss one another. As much as he didn’t want to make this decision without discussing it with Samantha, he knew it had to be made now.

So, Tom took another deep breath and knew, deep down, that for the sanity of his family and the good of his marriage, he had to be strong enough to step away for a moment. He knew he had to go.

“Are you on board, Tom?” Jan repeated.

Tom then replied buoyantly, “I’ll do it.”


	4. Chapter 4 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

“You’re not upset with me, are you my love?”

“No, of course not. It’s your job after all.”

“Don’t worry about anything, man. The girls will be all right without you.”

“I hope so.”

Tom, Sam, and I are standing outside of the departure gate at Detroit Metro. He is boarding a flight to Los Angeles and will be there for a few weeks for promotion. He had initially planned to take Sam and the girls with him, but as much as she tried to arrange for Emma to be out of school, it just wasn’t in the cards for her to miss. Izzie is still pretty little, so Sam thought it better to stay behind instead of forcing her onto a plane at only ten months old.

I luckily had some downtime when Tom had made the arrangements, so I told him I’d come to Michigan for a little while and stay with Sam and the girls, in case they needed me.

I would never tell my best friend that I had already planned on coming, even if Tom was going out of town. I normally try and split my downtime between LA and Michigan, just so I can spend some time with my parents or any of my friends and get work finished ahead of schedule. The other times, when I really have a good chunk of time that I can devote to a five hour plane ride and a couple of weeks at a hotel, I make sure to come out and visit my best friends if they’re not already on their way to LA.

I come out here quite a bit and I really enjoy it. The state is beautiful and the cost of living is much, much cheaper. My home is truly in California, but visiting Michigan is something I definitely look forward to quite a bit, if not just for the company I keep while I’m out here.

So I watch as Sam says goodbye to Tom. I’ve got Emma in my arms, because after saying goodbye to her daddy she was practically inconsolable. I couldn’t stand to see her upset so I folded her into my arms and let her cry on my shoulder. Sam was biting back on her tears as hard as she could, for her kids, but it was a clear struggle. Tom is hugging Izzie tightly to him. She is still a little young to really grasp what is going on, but she’s old enough to understand that everyone around her is sad. The longer Tom holds onto her the more I fear there will be a breakdown soon.

Sam steps up to Tom and wraps her arms around his waist. He winds his free arm around her and squeezed her tightly, pressing his lips to the top of her head. It is so intimate that I have to avert my gaze for a moment. So many thoughts twist through my sick brain as I watch them embrace and I can’t handle it. I am being an idiot. I know that. Not only am I witnessing this deep connection as they say goodbye, but I am also holding their child. There is no way I am ever going to get my moment with Sam and I know that, but for whatever reason, every time I try to be adult and let my feelings for her go, they come back full force with the slightest reminder, like a text message or a funny email from her.

It is almost as if I am meant to be in this horrible, agonizing state of purgatory for the rest of my life. I know that the easiest solution is to walk away from my friends for good, but I just can’t do that. Above all else, Tom and Sam’s friendship mean the world to me. It isn’t something I can just throw away like it doesn’t matter.

I know that in the long run it is probably fairer to me to walk away, but I’m not strong enough to make that decision yet.

“I love you,” she says to him.

“I love you,” he replies and after another few moments of tenderness, they break apart. Sam takes Izzie, who is already getting watery-eyed, and gives him one last goodbye kiss.

Tom bends over and grabs his roll away suitcase, slinging his coat over his shoulder. He leans in and kisses Izzie on the cheek once more, gazing into Sam’s eyes for a long time. “You know I don’t like leaving you.”

“But you have to,” she whispers back. If I hadn’t been standing as close as I was, I wouldn’t have been able to hear what they were saying to one another. I feel very much like an intruder, but I know they don’t mind so much. I stroke Emma’s back as she sobs against me. Tom and Sam finish their moment and Tom comes over to me. He leans down and whispers to Emma that he loves her and she lifts her head up from me, stretching her arms out to Tom. He grinned and took her from me, holding her tightly while he gave her one last goodbye.

“I don’t want you to leave, Daddy.”

“I know, darling,” he tells her. “But it’s not for long this time, I promise.”

Emma has nothing to say to this, so he gives her another kiss and I offer to take her back. He hands her over and I adjust her against me.

“Have a good trip, man,” I say to him. “You don’t have to worry about anything, all right? I’ll look after them for you.”

“Thank you,” he says , and claps me on the shoulder. “I don’t know what I would do without you here, Joe. I really appreciate your friendship.”

I shrug. “It’s what I’m here for.”

“I am grateful you’re here,” he says, and I know if I wasn’t holding his daughter he would embrace me, but it seems as though he’s dragged out these goodbyes long enough. He’s getting anxious to make his gate.

We all wave and say our goodbyes again as he walks into the airport and then out of sight. Sam and I turn to one another, both holding her daughters, and I gave her my most encouraging, sympathetic smile. I gaze at her for a while, trying to decide what it is we’re going to do tonight to get her mind off of everything tonight. We have a couple of weeks together, but I know that her first couple of days are always the hardest, especially when for whatever reason Tom is not able to get in touch with her right away.

“So, what now?” she asks me, her eyes misty but her composure mostly stable. She seems to be handling his absence a little better than usual, but I know that it’s only a matter of time before she breaks down.

“Whatever you girls want. How about we go grab a bite to eat, maybe get some ice cream?” Emma lifts her head up immediately, her dark eyes wide and bright. She has completely forgotten to be upset that Tom is gone. I turn to Sam, who is smiling cautiously, swaying back and forth as Izzie starts to doze in her arms. “My treat,” I add, and she nods in approval.

“What do you say, Em?” she asks, and Emma nods emphatically. I already know she is on board, but we entertain her answer as we head back to our respective vehicles.

“Can I ride with Uncle Joe, Mom? Please?” she begs. She now feels okay enough to be put back down on the ground.

“If Uncle Joe says it’s okay,” she says, giving me a knowing grin. I have won fair lady’s favor with the promise of frozen dairy treats.

“Can I please ride with you, Uncle Joe?” Emma asks. I look down at her, seeing her pleading expression. She and Tom look almost identical except for those big, anime eyes. It is one of the biggest reasons I found Sam so captivating from the moment I met her, and it is one of the things I find so adorable about Emma. They are hard to resist, as if I even have to.

“Maybe,” I say, pursing my lips. “Only if you give me a big hug.”

She rolls her eyes as though this is a given and I kneel down to embrace her. She squeezes me tightly around the neck, and I close my eyes for a moment.

I always feel as though it doesn’t matter how much unrequited love I have for Sam or how angry I am at myself for betraying Tom’s trust because I genuinely enjoy being part of this family. I don’t know if I will ever have children of my own, so being this adopted uncle always gives me the warm satisfaction of truly belonging.

I know this as I pull back from Emma’s embrace, stand up, and take her hand. “Let’s party!”

“Yes!”

Sam laughs at me and Emma but she gives me this big, warm smile that absolutely melts my heart and makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing, even when only seconds ago I was feeling triumphant. It is amazing how love can do these things for you.

“Thanks for being here, Joe,” she whispers, extending a hand down to mine and squeezing it.

For a moment I can’t breathe, but I do manage to whisper, “Always.”

 

Joe: Now

“You have saved my ass yet again, Joe, really,” Tom said. Joe was sitting next to him as they drove together to the airport. “I appreciate you stepping up to look after the girls again. Maybe one these days I’ll be able to return the favor.”

“It’s really not a big deal,” Joe said. Sam and the girls opted to have their goodbyes said at home. It made for a much more efficient departure, on Tom’s end. Because Joe had nothing to do that day and wanted to have a moment alone with Tom to discuss what was going on with the project, he offered to drive him.

When he and Sam were out to dinner the night before, Joe had received the phone call from Jan, asking if he’d like to go location scouting. He told her he wasn’t necessarily interested in going if he didn’t have to. He really preferred to do all the boring legwork back at home anyway. It was then that Jan had revealed that Tom already agreed to go and Joe instantly knew that things were about to get ugly. As far as he knew, Sam had no idea.

They’d driven together to the restaurant but he accepted her offer when she asked him if he wanted to come back for coffee and to visit with the girls. He didn’t have any pressing work to get back to thankfully, because he wanted to be there as a buffer just in case things got out of hand between Tom and Sam, like he knew they would. He could at least somewhat defend what Tom did because he knew how insanely last minute it was. She had always been receptive about things that had to do with his career and never faulted him for leaving or going somewhere when it was demanded of him.

Joe didn’t necessarily agree with Tom’s reasons sometimes, but it wasn’t his place to question it. If she was cool with it, she had every right to be cool with it. It was their marriage, not his. He felt, however, that his friend’s luck was about to run out. He could only run out on his wife so many times before she finally cracked.

As expected, the second they got back to the house, things went from bad to worse. Joe could tell within seconds after stepping into the house behind Sam that there was some serious tension. He was acutely aware that things between Tom and Sam had taken a bad turn, but he had no idea that things were this tense. He recalled the desperate exhilaration in her voice when she agreed to come out to dinner with him and realized, with a sharp pang in his heart, that he had provided her adequate escape in the middle of whatever it was they were going through. He hated to think of her in any kind of pain, no matter what the cause.

The conversation didn’t even have a chance to start when Tom met them in the kitchen because Sam knew the instant she saw him that something was wrong. Tom confessed without much prodding that Jan had called him and asked him about location scouting and he had agreed. He told her he was going to be leaving tomorrow and that he would only be gone for the weekend.

Sam didn’t yell. She didn’t scream, she didn’t even breathe heavily. Joe could tell that Tom was surprised, but there was even more of an indication that something was wrong because the seething anger pouring from Sam was so palpable that he felt the need to take a step back. Joe wasn’t entirely sure what Sam was about to do or say. This was a first and Tom seemed to realize that as well.

Instead, Sam seemed to swallow anything she wanted to say, anything she wanted to scream at her husband, anything she as going to scream at all, it seemed, and simply exhaled before saying, “Okay.”

Joe felt almost as surprised as Tom looked right then. As Tom floundered and tried to think of something to say, Joe felt the stunning reality of what had just happened settle around them. Sam was teeming with fury, but she was deliberately choosing not to fight back. It was so overwhelmingly sad and depressing that Joe chose to say his goodbyes and sneak out before he had even been there for five minutes.

Later that night, Tom had called him up and they talked about various aspects of the project, what Joe would be taking care of while Tom was gone, what kind of setting they were interested in, and so on. Tom mentioned something about having to get ready and call a car for tomorrow when Joe decided to just go ahead and offer to drive him. He felt bad for Tom, having had such a rough day and then not having anyone to send him off properly.

It wasn’t until they were nearly to the airport the next day that Tom even mentioned something that was remotely personal. They had cautiously tiptoed around the subject, not saying anything about Sam or the girls or anything like that. They talked about the project and how excited they were to finally find somewhere to film and everything else they were ecstatic about. They had made their casting decisions already and were just waiting for that precious moment to tell everyone where to be. They planned on having it ready to go and start filming in the next two weeks. It was definitely something to look forward to.

And then a pause came where the car was filled with silence and then Tom opened up and finally said something. Joe felt his heart pound because he didn’t want their conversation to veer into dangerous territory. He had held his tongue for so many years because he knew that their marriage was none of his business, yet he was an opinionated person and there were some things that he felt so passionately about at times that it was hard to keep his mouth shut. He had slipped a few times here and there, causing some friction, but thankfully, Joe was never faulted too heavily for saying what he was thinking.

“It is a big deal,” Tom said, removing Joe from his thoughts and bringing him back into the present. “I really appreciate you being there for me. Things are… things are just a little touchy at home.”

Joe nodded. “I know, man, and it’s all right,” he said to him, giving him a small smile as he adjusted his glasses. “Shit happens and I don’t mind helping you out,” he shrugged a little. “What are friends for?”

Tom smiled and said nothing for a moment. Joe soaked in the appreciation, feeling good that for once he was doing the right thing. “Can I count on you to take care of my girls, Joe?”

Joe was honestly surprised by the question, not because he wasn’t expecting it, because he was, but because he was sure that Tom was being sarcastic, having inexplicably read his thoughts. He knew this was ridiculous, but Joe felt as though he had been caught having thoughts about his friend’s wife. He needed to take more care.

But it wasn’t anything he wasn’t prepared to do already, because Tom always left Joe with the task of taking care of the girls, but this was the first time Tom had headed out of town when things were such a mess at home. It was going to be a precarious situation and Joe only hoped he would come out of it unscathed.

He looked over at Tom, flashed him a confident smile, and answered, “Don’t I always?”

 

After dropping Tom off at the airport that night, Joe headed straight home to clear his head and get some well-deserved sleep. Unfortunately for Joe, sleep would not come for several hours. There was too much he was working through to even shut off for a second. He eventually drifted off after finally exhausting himself enough to do so and woke up a short time later, determined to get some work done and forget everything from the night before.

He managed to get quite a bit done within a few hours, but it didn’t take long before his phone went off. He tried hard not to answer it or even bother looking at it because he knew who it was going to be. He wanted to at least get some kind of progress done on his work before he answered it. If it was Sam, he wouldn’t be able to ignore it or say no to anything she may or may not need, so he debated whether looking at it was worth the trouble it would take for him to drop everything and rush to her.

Joe knew he was being an idiot. He needed to quit doting so heavily on a woman that already had a husband, a man that was (usually) just as willing to dote on her. He needed to start living for himself, start trying to get his head out of the clouds and get it back into the work he was doing. He should try and distance himself from the family. He could do it in a way that wasn’t overly obvious or anything like that. They wouldn’t know it was happening necessarily until one day he just stopped coming over, stopped calling, and had finally moved on with his life. They would see each other occasionally and it wouldn’t be awkward or anything because life had happened, and not anything ridiculous or overdramatic. It would be the easiest way to sever this painful love that made his heart heavy every time he thought about it.

That would all be great, if he was strong enough to actually do it. Unfortunately he was a weak, weak man. He honestly could not imagine his life without Sam and Tom at this point.

So he typed up the last bit that he was working on and decided to finally answer his phone. He opened it up and saw that it was, as he expected, from Sam, and it was something that he really didn’t think he could say no to. She had sent him several texts, obviously in a mood where she needed someone to talk to, someone that would be there to listen to her because she was saying she was lonely and would love to see him but if he couldn’t make it, it was okay.

Joe sighed heavily because he knew that the pain he felt for her was all too real and he just absolutely couldn’t deny her this. He texted her back quickly, telling her it was no bother to come keep her company and that he would be a few minutes. He wrapped up what he was doing and headed on out to Sam’s.

The moment he arrived, Izzie ran up and greeted him excitedly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “I’m so happy to see you, Uncle Joe!”

“Hello there, beautiful,” he said to her. “Where did your mom run off to?”

“She’s in her room, writing,” Izzie answered, letting go and standing in front of him. She was blinking her bright blue eyes curiously, as if she wanted to ask what the hell he was doing there but lacked the language skills to make it happen. He gave her a quick smile, pinched her nose, and headed off toward Sam’s office.

Joe was no stranger to the rules of Sam’s office. Most of the time, no one was allowed to go in there and bug her unless they really needed to. She had declared the room off limits to conflict and ‘bad juju’ so that she could work in a place of peace. For the most part it seemed as though the rule was followed. He cautiously approached the partially open door to her office and peered in before he alerted her to his presence.

Every time he saw her it was as if he was seeing her in an entirely new way. She was propped up in her comfortable and incredibly expensive office chair, her feet wrapped up underneath her as she typed furiously on her laptop. One dim desk lamp and the light of her computer screen were the only things illuminating her lovely face. He adored her large, twinkling brown eyes, the slight button upturn to her nose, her full rose lips that she bit in concentration. She kept plunking away at the computer, obviously on a roll about something. He almost hated to disturb her but he didn’t want to lurk at her door, either.

He knocked softly and she jumped, shouting, “Oh shit!” She whirled around to see who was in her doorway and saw Joe. She slapped a hand to her chest and narrowed her eyes at him. “Hey! You scared me!”

“I see that,” he said, opening the door a little more and leaning against the doorjamb. He didn’t want to enter her sacred space necessarily. She was saving whatever she was working on and closing it down as she started getting up. “I’m here at your behest, fair lady.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him. “You’re insane,” when she finished closing her stuff down she walked over to him, gave him a sad smile, and unexpectedly wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tight. The breath left his body and his world spun a little. They were affectionate quite frequently but he always had this reaction when she took him by surprise. “Thank you for coming,” she whispered.

Joe came back to himself and wound his arms around her, squeezing her against him as he rested his cheek against her hair. He breathed her in deeply and answered, “Anytime.”

With that and Sam’s unbelievably sweet, grateful smile, Joe knew he was done. He was wrapped around her finger. Whenever she needed him to come, he knew he would. There wasn’t the slightest doubt in his mind that he would be there for her. It didn’t take long that day for her to put him to work, moving their winter gear out to the garage like Tom had promised to already before he left for the location scouting. Joe joked that she shouldn’t get used to his help because then he would be tempted to just move in until Tom came home. This was when Joe realized that not only was this a very dangerous comment to make, but somewhere, deep in his heart of hearts, he actually sort of meant what he was saying. He only prayed that Sam didn’t think he was serious.

She gave him a slight smirk just before they ascended the stairs in the covered three car garage next to the house. “That might actually make more sense,” she told him with a laugh, “even though your house is perfect and absolutely gorgeous all on its own. I honestly don’t know why you ever leave that place.”

Because you’re not there was the thought that the instantly popped into his head, but he managed to fling it away before sputtering, “I don’t know. It’s kind of empty. I get lonely, you know,” he confessed to her. It was the truth. A version of it, anyway. “I like being with you and Tom and the girls while I’m here. It makes me feel like I’m really part of a family.”

They set the boxes down and Sam turned to him, her lips pursed and a sad look in her eyes. He could tell that she felt bad for him and he didn’t want her to feel any pity for him. He was being stupid. It was just as easy for him to swallow his pride, say goodbye, and move on so that he could have love and a family of his own. It wasn’t too late. He wasn’t too old for any of it if it was something he really wanted. Sam put her hands on her hips as she studied him and he felt himself shrinking under her gaze.

“Why didn’t it work out with Sharon?” she finally asked, a question that he did not see coming at all.

“Uh…” he stammered, adjusting his glasses, rubbing the back of his neck, and trying to find some other way to stall the answer to this question. He certainly couldn’t tell Sam the truth, not without ruining everything. No, she could never find out. Sharon had even promised never to reveal it to Sam. That she had at least been understanding and cordial about. It broke his heart all over again, thinking about hurting Sharon when her only crime was that she wasn’t Sam.

“Come on,” Sam said, rolling her eyes as she walked past him to the stairs. “You never actually told me what happened. You told me all of a sudden it was over, mutual, and that was all you would say. I really didn’t get a full explanation.”

“Sam, why do you need one?” he asked her, furrowing his brow. Trying to avoid the answer to her question was the best tactic right now. Maybe she’d forget she asked it at all. “Did it occur to you that I might not want to talk about it?”

“No,” she said simply. “Because you always tell me that kind of stuff. I mean, I usually have to pry it out of you, but I always do eventually. This, though… this was something you kept from me.”

The hurt in her voice nearly undid him but this was something he just couldn’t give to her. He couldn’t tell her about it, no matter how big and sparkly her eyes got or how her lips quivered, or how much she pleaded. It wasn’t something he would ever share with her. Not if he had any control over it.

“Sam, this is one of those things I just don’t want to talk about,” he snapped. He was happy to actually be telling her the truth without really telling her anything more than that. He followed her down the stairs and they left the garage together. As Joe turned to close the door, he heard Sam continue on, but he had known this woman long enough to know what her ‘storming away’ sounded like.

Joe sighed exasperatedly, leaning his forehead against the door. Sometimes, even when he had gone to great lengths to not settle down with anyone, he felt as though he had a wife anyway. He turned around and saw that she had disappeared into the house, so he rolled his eyes and jogged in behind her, intent to set this right.

When he entered the house he saw Emma sitting at the kitchen counter, listening to music on her phone. She gave him a courteous smile and wave as he passed through. He gave her a sly wink, which made her smile wider, and seeming to know what he was on the lookout for, she pointed toward the direction of Sam’s office. He smiled, mouthed the words ‘thank you,’ and continued on to her office, where she was, sitting in her chair, facing away from him. She appeared to be seething. He stepped in without knocking and sighed.

“Sam you’re being a little ridiculous…” he began, but trailed off the moment he heard an audible sob. His face fell instantly and he rushed over to her without even thinking about it, seeing that she was bent over with her hands covering her face as she cried. “Sam,” he whispered, not sure where to touch her so that he could comfort her as he knelt on the floor beside the chair. “Sam, please don’t cry. It’s just… it’s just hard for me to talk about, and that’s the truth, okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m not angry.”

She dropped her hands and lifted her head up. His heart nearly broke at the sight of her wet face, her puffy eyes, and all of the sadness that was in her tone as she answered him. “It’s not that, Joe. I understand your reasons,” she said, sliding the sleeves of her black hooded sweatshirt down over her hands and wiping her eyes. She sniffled a little and continued. “It’s just… I don’t know, I guess I don’t want another man in my life that won’t talk to me…” her voice broke at the end as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away again. “I’m sick and tired of being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Joe, why is that so much to ask?”

“You’re not alone,” he said, and he grabbed the fabric of her sweatshirt and pulled her down off of the chair and into his arms. They sat in an awkward position for a moment before Joe rearranged himself to be sitting completely on the floor while he held Sam and let her cry against him. She stayed huddled up, her cheek against his chest and one hand gripping his jacket for dear life. He was willing to stay here for as long as it took to calm her down and make her feel better. He didn’t care. He had all night.  
He had the rest of his life.

After a few minutes, though, she seemed to come back to herself and she finally lifted her head, wiped her eyes, her nose, and giggled, apologizing for how gross and hysterical she was. He had to laugh at her. He knew Sam as well as he could know any woman in eight years and he knew she was human. He’d also been around when Izzie and Emma were still really young, so snot and tears were not new to him.

“It’s okay, really,” he told her. “Do you feel any better?”

“You know, I do,” she said with a bit of a giggle. “I really do.” She came to herself a little more and turned to look at him. Joe’s entire body flushed, from head to toe, when he realized just how close they were. He wouldn’t even have to lean in to gently brush his lips against hers. This was an incredibly dangerous thought, though, because she was sitting quite close, practically on his lap, and he didn’t want to have to apologize and explain himself for why he was so excited to have her close…

“I’m always here to be your snot rag, you know that,” he said with a mischievous grin.

She laughed, throwing her head back. “Oh I needed that, Joe.” She adjusted herself and looked into his eyes again, staring deeply enough to make his stomach churn uncomfortably. It was as though she was trying to read all of those private thoughts, the ones that made it impossible for him to think straight. He knew, logically, she couldn’t pry that deep, but it was still disconcerting. “Seriously… thank you.”

“Of course,” he said, and before he realized what was happening, Sam leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Her lips were full and soft, lingering for just a second longer than he was anticipating. He closed his eyes at the contact, taking in everything about her as she was so close. He breathed in her scent, juniper and jasmine, like her shampoo, and enjoyed the feeling of her body being so close to his, warm and perfect.

She pulled back and gazed into his dark eyes, her matching browns twinkling up at him. The look that passed over her features right then was something that he knew would forever haunt him. For just one second, she appeared to have doubt. She was staring at him as though she had just noticed him for the first time and it made his heart skip a beat. The thought of her seeing him in this way was too much to hope for, but in the second he was enjoying it, the next second he was very, very afraid. He didn’t want to hurt Tom and he knew Sam wouldn’t want to either. There was no way this could ever happen, even if for a second they had a moment.

Sam sighed heavily and the moment finally passed. Joe’s heart fell a little but he didn’t let himself dwell on it. She stood up and offered a hand down to him, as he was sprawled out on the floor and needed a little help. When they were up, they turned and faced each other. Sam was a tiny thing, standing at only five foot two. He smirked down at her. To him, her short stature was adorable and at times he wanted to pick her up and put her in his pocket. He wasn’t quite as tall as Tom, standing at only five ten to Tom’s six two, but comparatively, Sam was still tiny.

Irrationally, he wanted to know what it was like to lift her into the air and squeeze her against his chest. He didn’t want to be thinking this but every time they were face to face he had the thought, whether he controlled it or not. Before he could let his thoughts dwell too much, he cleared his throat. “So what else did you need me to do today?”

She smiled at him, shaking her head. He thought for a second she was a little bit frazzled herself but then thought better of it. 

After all, she was married. Her heart belonged to someone else and there was nothing that he could do about it, and nothing he wanted to do about it. He knew that Tom and Sam belonged together. They were more than soul mates, they were each other. They were everything. They were each other’s world.

And yet he pined for Sam. He pined for her like she was the last drop of water in a vast, dry desert. He wanted her so badly that it hurt him sometimes to think about not ever being able to have her. He loved her. He loved her insanely, deeply, and without any regard for his own heart and sanity. It didn’t matter. She was everything to him.

But she was everything to Tom.

She took a step back as he stared down at her, not wanting to end this longing but desperately hoping it would just go away. For a second he thought she was going to say something, but it seemed that they were both aware that something had passed between them. He watched her cheeks flush and she turned away from him after giving him one more sweet smile and walking out of the office.

Joe knew that the next few days were going to be hard on him. Every other time Tom left, things were all right between him and Sam so there was no need for her to feel sad or lost or lonely. Well, of course she was lonely without her husband, but it was more of a physical loneliness, an understandable kind of being without her companion versus how she had come to feel lately. Sam was inexplicably misguided now, her heart uncared for and absolutely abandoned.

It crushed him to know this and he knew that she was searching for something, desperately in need of something. He wanted to provide that for her but he knew how insane and reckless that was to offer up. He was going to fall even harder, if that was possible. It would get to the point where he couldn’t hold his tongue any longer and everything he was feeling would just tumble out.

He shook his head and followed her out, trying to act as if nothing was on his mind. That wasn’t going to happen. If nothing else, he wasn’t losing her. Not even if it meant sacrificing his heart to keep her around.

He was keeping her, no matter what it took.


	5. Chapter 5 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

I know how much it hurts to have your soul mate taken away from you, even for a short period of time. I know because I am the wife of an international movie star, a movie star that is also not merely satisfied with just playing in front of a camera. No, my movie star wants to make the films. He wants to produce and write and direct and act all at once.

And I honestly can’t say that I blame him. I mean some people are content to do the acting and the smiling as they walk down the red carpets and reap the reward of a job well done. After all, these actors do give a lot to what they do, but there are so many who want more. They want the satisfaction of completely their own projects and I can completely understand it. I happen to be married to one of the most ambitious, stubborn, and driven men I have ever met, and up until very recently he would not rest until he had a film of his own.

The success of his first co-produced movie was astonishing. I never doubted the project, because Tom is my husband and I know he wouldn’t give his time to something he didn’t believe in, but it was an independent film and we weren’t expecting it to have the impact that it did. We were pleasantly surprised to see how well it was received at our first Sundance Festival nearly two years before. Riding off of the high of that success I’ve been by Tom’s side as we sat down and tried to come up with something else he could completely throw himself into and be almost exclusively hands on.

Unfortunately, we were not finding that project right now. We poured through scripts and screenplays and even sometimes short, cryptic e-mails we received from anyone who had a thought or idea that they thought would be workable as a movie. Tom was impressed by what he saw and he always tried his hardest to praise every single piece of work he read, but I know my husband. He is charitable and giving and absolutely hates to be the bad guy, but he wasn’t overly satisfied with what we had to choose from. I happen to be one of the few people he expresses his unbiased opinions to, and because I have the ability to be more brutally honest than he is, he was unashamed to confess his true feelings.

I knew, deep down, what it all meant was that he wanted to make a film from the ground up. He wanted to write it, direct it, produce it, and maybe even act in it if he chose to use actors at all. I told him I thought he was taking on too much but he was convinced that at some point down the road he’d be able to do it.

On top of that, we had become good friends with someone who had his own production company and had worked and collaborated with many, many people on films, music, and other projects. Joe had the know-how being where he was in the business and he was also one of the coolest people I had ever met. He knew what he was talking about and he also wanted to see others succeed. This was probably one of the biggest reasons I was so fond of him.

Being a movie star’s wife can be tough, though, especially when you don’t live in the central hub of cinema and have young children. Tom was frequently called away to either California or back to London for his work and it wasn’t feasible to constantly pull Emma out of school just so we could travel with him and watch him work. I can do my work from anywhere, but we both agreed when we first decided to make this relationship work that Emma’s comfort and education would come first. This meant that I was at home without my husband on a fairly recurrent basis.

We had just dropped Tom off at the airport for another one of his trips. He’d recently completed a project and was off to California for more press and interviews that he had to do so I knew he’d probably only be gone for a few weeks this time instead of a few months. This I was grateful for, but it didn’t matter how long or how short his time away from us was. Tom is my soul mate and any time away from him hurts me, no matter what.

Luckily, Joe had chosen this week to come and visit us, so I knew I wouldn’t be alone. Whenever Joe was around when Tom wasn’t I was secure in the knowledge that there was someone I could hang out with, talk to, and basically rely on until Tom was back home. Maybe this wasn’t necessarily fair to Joe, because Joe is not my husband and I should just leave him alone, but he always seems more than happy to be with us. He doesn’t know whether or not he will ever have a family of his own and he likes being part of ours. Somehow, I need to change this.

I agreed, that day, to let Emma ride with Joe on our way to lunch. Joe mentioned something about ice cream but that won’t come until later when I am assured we have all actually ate something that isn’t junk. I’m glad that Joe was kind enough to take her because I could really use the few minutes I have driving to the restaurant to weep a little bit over my husband leaving again. Izzie is not even a year old yet and while she understands that something is wrong when I cry, she doesn’t have the proper language skills to ask me what I’m upset about. I can cry openly in front of her.

It feels like only a few minutes ago Tom was unpacking from his long trip to Europe for promotion on the project, and only a few minutes before that he was coming home from Mexico, where he had been shooting the film for three months. I knew what I had agreed to when Tom came back into my life and presented me with the most beautiful pearl engagement ring I had ever seen, so I shouldn’t be crying over his consistent absences.

But then again, I don’t think any amount of mental preparation really matters when it comes to your companion being away from you. I lived five years without even hearing from him, after all. These trips apart should be a breeze. I do have the benefit of talking to him on the phone, texting him, and daily video chats over the internet. Maybe I should count my lucky stars that Tom is only an actor and not a Marine, like Zach was, therefore seriously limiting my ability to communicate with him and having him be in harm’s way.

Tom is rarely, if ever, in harm’s way.

Once I make this realization I come back to myself, wipe away my tears, and giggle a little bit. Izzie hears me laughing and she starts laughing, which in turn makes me laugh harder because she has this great belly laugh that is insanely infectious. We laugh together, neither one of us really understanding why the other is laughing, and I appreciate what I have versus what I don’t. It doesn’t matter where Tom is, because he still loves me and he misses me just as badly as I miss him. If things were different I could travel with him and there wouldn’t be a question about it, but this wonderful man had also gifted me with two beautiful daughters and they were my first responsibility.

I gaze into the backseat and smile at my young daughter. As much as Emma looks like her father, that’s how much Izzie looks like me with the exception of her father’s bright blue-green eyes. She is beautiful and wonderful and I can’t wait to see what she grows up to be. I feel as though Tom and I passed on some great things and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful father for these gorgeous girls.

I see Joe’s hybrid pulling into our destination and I follow, trying in vain to wipe the tears away. I love Joe to death but sometimes I feel as though he is overly sensitive to what I’m going through, which can be fantastic, but at times can be somewhat hard to deal with. There are some things I want to experience and feel on my own and Joe’s too adept at picking these things out. He’s going to notice that my eyes are puffy and my nose is red.

After we pull in and park, we all jump out and wrangle the children before heading in. I make the mistake of sniffling a little as I lift Izzie out of her car seat and into my arms. I turn to see Joe’s dark eyes squinting at me curiously as he hangs onto Emma with his right hand. “Are you all right?” he asks.

I nod, adjusting my purse and Izzie all at once before shutting the door with my hip and locking it with my free fingers. “I’m fine, let’s go eat!” I try to put as much finality on this statement as possible without sounding like a bitch that doesn’t want to talk. It must have worked because Joe doesn’t say anything in response. He narrows his eyes as he stares at me, trying to figure out what is going on, but he must know by now why I was crying. It confuses me that he still wants to take care of me and talk about it when the answer is quite obvious.

Thankfully, we are silent as we go in and get a table. The rest of the day is smooth after that. Emma enjoys her ice cream and Joe and I talk about what Tom is doing and what he has going on. Things are smooth and easy now, and I enjoy the rest of my day with Joe before I get a text from Tom saying that he’s landed and will call me when he settles in at the hotel. I am happy and grateful to hear this, and as I set my phone down and join in the conversation with Joe and Emma, I know that no matter where I am or who is with me, I am definitely being taken care of.

   
Sammy: Now

 

Sammy felt as though her head were about to explode. There was too much insanity running through her thoughts right now and it was making it hard for her to think without also giving herself a massive, massive migraine. Unfortunately she had woken up that day nursing this pounding in her head and she was trying to figure out exactly how she was going to get rid of it before the day really picked up. It was her third day without Tom being there. Before he left, they had discussed how long he was going to be gone this time, and while he said it was only supposed to be a long weekend, she somehow knew that it was going to take longer.

The headache probably started the night before when Tom called to check in and tell her how things were going. He also mentioned that there was some inclement weather coming in and he may or may not be able to get an outgoing flight right away. Sammy could say she wasn’t surprised. She had a feeling he was going to try and prolong his vacation. It hurt that he didn’t want to come home to her right away, but she understood. She kind of wanted a break from him, too.

Regardless, they probably needed to deal with what was going on between them sooner rather than later. Running away was a temporary solution to a problem that wasn’t going to disappear with a vacation. She loved her husband more than anything in the entire world, but it seemed that lately she just couldn’t remember why.

It was unfortunate, really, because according to the discussion she had with Tom the night before he left, the kids were starting to be affected by it as well. When Tom told her what Emma and Izzie had said to him earlier that night, Sammy was heartbroken and deeply upset that her children had been able to pick up something she and Tom hadn’t really even noticed was happening until recently. The more they discussed it after she found this out, the more she realized maybe it was best if they had a couple of days to themselves to think and sort things out. Maybe she would miss Tom, but she had to admit over the past couple of days it was actually pretty nice to not have the tension in the household.

She just wanted Tom to talk to her. She wanted that man that made her promise to always tell him the truth, no matter what. Where was he? Where was the man that was willing to just share with her whenever he felt the need? Over the past year he had slowly disappeared and she began to hope desperately that he would just come back to her. When she pleaded with him to talk and he still wouldn’t, she started getting angrier and angrier until there was a fixed moment that she knew she wouldn’t be able to just turn back the clock and not be angry with him anymore. It definitely would have helped go in the right direction if he sat down and said he wanted to talk, at any point, but he just didn’t.

And Sammy knew that she couldn’t spend the rest of her life with a man who wouldn’t communicate with her. At first it was a no brainer because of the kids. They would make it work for the vows they’d made to each other and the children that needed their parents to be together. And then Tom told her that the girls were aware there were problems.

The scariest part about hearing that was not that her children were being affected by the tension in the household. It was heartbreaking and sad and she was going to try her hardest to keep it from them in the future, but that was all completely doable. The scary part was the fact that her daughters knew there was trouble, and it was clearly affecting them, so that meant they were heading down that treacherous path where they would have to either fix it or make a decision soon about what was best for the kids.

Sammy didn’t want to lose Tom. They had fought so hard to make this work, bound and determined to do it because they couldn’t be apart for another second after spending five years apart. She loved him. He was her other half and she couldn’t imagine going through the rest of her life without him by her side, but this was not a man she knew or recognized anymore. Sammy had no idea what to do. She wanted to do what was best for her family, but doing that before with Emma had brought her nothing but deep, soul crushing loneliness.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she lay in her bed that morning. Right now, she didn’t have to make that decision. She did, however, have to accept that it was a possible outcome if Tom came back from the trip and still wasn’t willing to communicate with her. She felt certain he would come to understand just how dire the situation was and they would have a long discussion about how they would go forward from here.

He had to. He wasn’t an idiot. Tom knew she was a strong, opinionated woman, and she wouldn’t just lie there while her husband took advantage of the fact that she was there and wasn’t planning on going anywhere without him.

She hated the complacency of marriage. She wanted to remember all of the reasons she had said yes to him in the first place. She wanted so desperately to recapture that exact feeling that ran through her body when she first saw him in the hotel bar all those years ago because she couldn’t even remember what that felt like anymore. She was so used to Tom’s face, his voice, his touch, and everything else about him that trying to imagine that spark was next to impossible. She wanted it back desperately, because maybe then she would forget all the anger she felt toward Tom, the anger she couldn’t quite pinpoint and the resentment that had been starting deep in her heart, and maybe all of that would make it easier to find Tom again.

Tom needed to come home to her. All of him.

Sammy was finally able to muster the strength it took to open her eyes to the brightness of the morning. It was about time to start the day and there was much to do. She still had some ideas to jot down before she had to come up with a final, master list to send to her editor. She wanted to make sure she got a jump on that today so she could get something useful out of it before the girls got home from school.

She woke up a little later than normal but still with enough time to get their morning on a roll. On a school day, because she seldom had to be anywhere in the mornings, she drove the girls to school since it was a nice short ride over. Plus it gave her some extended quality time with them versus shoving them on a bus nearly thirty minutes before they had to leave anyway.

Sammy jumped up and dressed quickly and comfortably, made sure she was decent for public eye and strolled down to the kitchen for a quick snack. Thankfully the extra few minutes she had snoozed did not slow anything down. The girls were up, dressed, and eating. Sammy was thankful to have responsible young girls but it pained her in the smallest way to think that this was just one step closer to their total independence. She had been a mom so long, it seemed impossible that there would ever be a time that her daughters wouldn’t really need her anymore.

She shook it off and joined them, grabbing a couple pieces of fruit to eat before they had to leave. She wasn’t going to let that kind of thought consume her right now. She had plenty of time to wonder about the insane mess that was her emotions later, when she wasn’t working. Right now she needed to stay driven and focused on the writing. She made sure to keep this mentality when she was ushering the girls into the Toyota, driving them to school, kissing them and saying goodbye, and driving home. She was staying positive and eager as she entered her office, turned on her music, and got down to work.

All of the drive and the mental focus seemed to work, because within the next two hours, Sammy had cranked out as many ideas as she could and was even absorbed enough to really consider some of the choices she was putting down, like what they could look like on paper and how she would go about conducting the research for each one. That was when lightning struck and she was filled with so much excitement and inspiration that she immediately opened up a new document and, for the next few hours, started her new project.

She kicked back from the computer after she finished compiling a rough outline, feeling one million pounds lighter. The adrenaline running through was flushing out all of those pesky troublesome thoughts and unwanted feelings, so for a moment, Sammy felt happy and inexplicably excited. She jumped up eagerly and ran to grab something to drink so that she could continue to write for several more hours, because the inspiration had hit her hard, but she was so incredibly ecstatic about the whole thing that she had to share it with someone first. So she pulled out her phone and called the first person in the whole world that she wanted to tell.

Tom.

There wasn’t a second thought in her head as Sammy waited patiently during the rings on the other end of the phone until she heard a very curt, “Hello?”

The bottom fell out in Sammy’s stomach as all the adrenaline and excitement of the past few hours disappeared instantly. Her bubble burst the moment she was flung back into the reality of her situation with her husband. He didn’t even sound remotely happy to hear from her, why would he care about her book idea?

“Tom, hey, how’s it going?” she said, feeling just as idiotic as if she were calling some guy that hadn’t called after a date.

“Oh! Hello, love,” he said and Sammy’s heart skipped a beat. He did sound happy to hear from her. She must have caught him at a bad time or something. “How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you?” she asked, unable to suppress the silly grin that was spreading across her face. She was so relieved to hear him in a good mood.

“It’s going, I suppose,” he said flippantly.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, unfortunately, we’re not having much luck.”

Sammy knew he was still talking to her but the phone started to go in and out on his end. “Oh?” she said, straining to hear anything on his end. “What’s going on?”

“Not – land sparse and – having trouble – anything suitable for use. If we had – It was something I needed – was going to call you later – I hope it’s alright?”

She was listening as hard as she could but half of what Tom had just said was completely unintelligible and she knew he had ended it with a question. She assumed because they weren’t having much luck that he’d need a few extra days to film and he wanted to know if it was okay. She knew her husband better than that, so she didn’t actually need to hear most of what he was saying to draw from inflection alone. Unfortunately, Sammy knew the question was coming and as badly as she wanted him to come home so they could deal with the problems in their marriage, she also kind of hoped he’d be gone long enough for her to sort her thoughts a bit better. She didn’t feel prepared enough for his arrival yet.

“Sweetie, I can’t hear most of what you’re saying, you’re breaking up real bad,” she told him, hoping he was able to hear her a little more clearly than she could hear him. “If you’re asking if it’s all right if you stay for a while longer, then yeah, it’s fine, I understand.” She felt as though she were shouting.

“…I’m having trouble hearing you!” Sammy sighed heavily. Tom now sounded as though he was underwater, but she could just make out what he was saying. “We’re going to need a couple more days out here. I love you and the girls!”

Sammy thought he cut out and then heard a little more crackling on his end. “That’s fine!” she shouted again, not knowing why she was doing that. It wasn’t like there was much she could do if he couldn’t hear her. “Are you there?”

“Oh there we are,” she heard him say a moment later, and much clearer. “Hello, my love, can you hear me a little better now?”

“Yes,” she said, grateful for the small time they had this decent signal. “Yes, I can hear you. I wanted to tell you something!”

“What is it?” he said and she heard the beginning of a crackle on his end as the strong, temporary signal they had started to die out.

“I came up with an idea for my book!” she shared excitedly.

“Oh?” Tom said to her, but she could barely make out when he asked her what it was.

“Uh, well, it’s a book of quotes, actually,” she told him.

There was silence for a moment and then consistent crackling before Tom’s voice came back, full force and somewhat angrily, “I’m really sorry, Samantha, but this is really quite a bad time for me right now!” Sammy stared down at her phone in disbelief. What happened to the easy, friendly conversation that they were having only moments before? Where in there had she made a mistake? “The – terrible and – love you but – don’t have time – dumb ideas – can’t talk – I love – tell Emma and Iz – day!”

“Tom!” Sammy shouted one more time but was cut off by the immediate silence on the other end.

Sammy decided she needed to get as far away from that conversation as possible. So, setting the phone down in front of her as though at any second it would explode, she made her quick escape into the living room where she could sit for a moment and wrap her mind around everything Tom was putting her through right now. She was fully intending to sit and just completely lose herself in her anger, but instead, she didn’t even sit down before she swung back around and stormed right over to her phone. She picked it up, flipped it open, and dialed one more number. Probably the last number she’d have to dial for the rest of the time her husband was gone.

A few seconds into the call she heard the familiar voice on the other end and it was so warming to her that she instantly knew she’d made the right decision to call him. “Hey, Sam, what’s my favorite girl up to today?” Sammy’s heart simply soared at this. He always sounded so genuinely happy to hear from her. She could hear the smile in his voice. In the background she heard him rustling some papers and then she heard what sounded distinctly like a keyboard. She’d obviously called while he was working.

“Oh, today, nothing special really,” she said. Her heart sank a little when she realized that she was being incredibly selfish, just expecting him to drop whatever he was doing to come distract her from her problems. She wanted someone to share her idea with, she was so incredibly excited about it, and she definitely needed someone or something there to just get her mind off of Tom and what he had said to her. If she could choose anyone to lean on, she’d choose Joe any day of the week and twice on Sunday. “I… uh…” she struggled to find something credible to tell him without making him feel like he was obligated to come by.

Joe huffed on the other end. “Sam, you’re really bad at this, pretending nothing is wrong,” he said. “I’ve known you what? Seven, eight years now? I know when you’ve got something on your mind and you’re just not sharing it. So for two seconds, let’s cut the bullshit, you tell me what’s up, and we skip the twenty minutes where I try and pry it out of you before you eventually tell me anyway,” he took a deep breath. “Now, what is it?”

Sammy had to admit that he had a point and she smiled. She liked that he knew her so well. It was amazing actually having someone around that was somewhat dependable. “Okay, well, I finally had a stroke of brilliance today and I came up with an idea.”

“Oh, yeah?” Joe responded. “You got a good list for your editor?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s not all!” Sammy explained and she felt herself getting excited again. “I actually had this great idea for a book of quotes. Hear me out, before you say anything,” she said, realizing how boring it sounded once she said it out loud in her overenthusiastic tone.

“I wasn’t going to,” he said, but he was laughing at her all the same.

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, I know it sounds a little ‘blah’ right now, but trust me. It’s not going to be like, stuffy old quotes or something, it’s going to be about love and romance and marriage and what it’s like to be single and married and in between and confused. It’ll be inspirational for young girls, not like the supernatural pandering I do now.” Sammy took a deep breath when she was finished, realizing she had said all of this very fast.

Joe was quick to respond, though. “That’s a brilliant idea!” he said, and she knew he meant it.

“You think so?”

“Absolutely! And you figured it all out today?”

“Yeah, this morning! Isn’t it awesome? I even have some quotes of my own to throw in. Now I just have to start the research process! Gather some quotes.”

“Sounds great to me,” he said and she heard him quit everything he was doing because all of the noise in the background stopped. “I’ll tell you what. I’m going to grab us a bottle of wine and I’m going to come over and we’ll celebrate! What do you say?”

Sammy was a little confused at this gesture, but she loved it nonetheless. “Are you serious? It’s only two o’clock! Besides, aren’t you in the middle of something?”

“Come on, Sam!” he said to her, teasing a little bit. “First of all, it’s never too early to celebrate something,” this made Sammy smile widely because she loved his attitude. “And second of all, my work can wait. I know you need someone around.” The way he said this caused Sammy to have a mini panic attack, realizing that if the tension in her marriage was obvious enough for her girls to catch it, then Joe was definitely aware of it as well. This was not a fun thought.

And then her body flooded with cold dread when she recalled the whispers of doubt and something foggy and unknown the last time she had been with Joe. Something weird had happened to her that day. Being in Joe’s arms was nothing new. They were affectionate quite frequently, and crying in his arms was nothing new, either. Somehow, yesterday had been different. Yesterday had been fraught with despair as she faced the notion that she could be completely abandoned by everyone. The anguish of it had torn her apart, leaving her raw and exposed like a nerve.

And then Joe was just there, more than just in a physical sense. He was there for her emotionally. She felt it pulsing through his blood as real as the tears falling down her cheeks. Everything about the moment was charged with this electricity, nothing like she’d ever shared with Joe and it was undeniably confusing. Sammy remembered that they had shared something briefly when they first met, but at the time, she was sure it was merely acknowledgment of a physical attraction that went no further than simple aesthetic appreciation.

“Does that sound all right?” he asked her after she was silent a second too long.

She blinked. It was all right, but she didn’t want him around just as much as she wanted him around. The normal exuberance and happiness she felt whenever she knew Joe was coming by was now tinged with the beginnings of what felt unmistakably like panic. “Yeah, yeah, that’s great!” she said, trying to fake her way through it. She was excited to see him, regardless of her misgivings. “I do have to run to get the girls here in a minute, but we’ll be back around three. How’s that?”

“That’s perfect, it’ll give me a second to close up what I’m doing here and pick a bottle of pinot for you,” he told her. “Now the only question is do I grab noir or grigio?”

Sammy relaxed a little bit, because this felt familiar and she was able to abandon her stupid thoughts. “Surprise me!”

“Deal,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ll see you at three and Sam?”

“Yes, Joe?”

“I’m really glad you found your inspiration.”

Sammy felt herself flush with the warmth of his words. He always knew exactly what to say to make her feel amazing. “Thank you.”

“No problem. See you soon.”

Sammy ended her call and set the phone down, beaming from ear to ear after the conversation. She was excited about everything and she was so happy that Joe was going to come over and celebrate with her. She definitely needed this, a night to congratulate herself for doing something right for a change. She knew she couldn’t get drunk or anything like that with her daughters in the house, but she could at least have a couple of glasses and let herself enjoy the wonderful feeling of accomplishment.

It didn’t strike her then, and wouldn’t, until much later, that in anticipation of a relaxing fun evening with her best friend, she had completely forgotten about Tom. When it should have been a good thing to let certain worries go, Sammy knew that this kind of absolute neglect spelled nothing but trouble.

It just wasn’t obvious until later.

 

“Emma, Izzie! Get down here real quick! We’re going to toast to your mom!”

Joe was standing at the foot of the stairs later that evening, yelling up to the girls who were stashed away in their rooms finishing their homework. After Sammy had gotten them all home earlier, the girls had run right up to their rooms to do their work, like they were supposed to, and Izzie ended up needing some help with her history homework. Sammy and Joe had been forced to push their actual celebrating back a little but Joe had still been punctual, showing up a little after three.

Once she had finished up with Izzie, she checked on Emma, who asked for Sammy’s advice about her most current art project. Emma was miles ahead when it came to art and was definitely the more creative of her two daughters. Sammy wasn’t overly artistic herself, but she appreciated that Emma trusted her opinion. They talked for a moment longer before Joe inserted himself into the discussion, giving his opinion as well.

The adults made their way back downstairs for a little while. Sammy was made aware almost immediately of the nagging thought she had been trying to get rid of and decided to let Joe tagalong while she made dinner for them in the kitchen. This would separate them and get her talking and moving and distracted so that she didn’t have time to let her brain settle enough to land on the conclusion this particular thought hadn’t quite reached.

A little over an hour later dinner was ready and Joe decided it was finally time to open up the wine. They grabbed four glasses from the kitchen, the pinot noir, and sparkling grape juice that Joe had also thought to pick up for the girls on his way over. Once Joe had brought the girls down they all gathered in the kitchen, distributing the full glasses to the girls.

Joe turned to face all three of the girls in the room, clearing his throat a little and raising his glass up. “Here’s a toast to Samantha Chance,” he began, speaking eloquently and loudly, as though he were performing to a packed house. Sammy smiled at Emma and Izzie as they giggled at this. To them, he was silly old Uncle Joe, being theatrical and hilarious as usual. To anyone that grew up in Sammy’s generation, they knew just how sexy it was when Joseph Gordon-Levitt came on screen and simply commanded attention. Hormonal, adolescent thoughts crossed through her brainwaves for a split second as she remembered so many of his performances, before he was just Joe, her best friend.

“Girls, please,” Sammy was finally able to choke out. Emma and Izzie stopped laughing for a moment but were still smiling as Joe continued.

“To Sam,” Joe continued, not missing a beat as his grin was still wide. “For your success and creativity in writing, possessing the skills and heart to bring joy to so many people, and for the courage ot takes to step outside of your comfort zone and make something wonderful.” With that final word, he raised his glass and Sammy followed suit, her girls doing the same as they watched everyone clink glasses. They all drank and Sammy was surprised at how strong the wine was when she took a sip.

The girls finished their juice and handed their glasses back. They headed over to the table to help themselves to dinner and Sammy stared for a moment at Joe, who was staring into his wine glass before taking another drink. He noticed her staring and smirked at her, making the lines etched into his face much more prominent. Sammy’s breath caught for just a second as she took him in. For her, the life and character in someone’s face was much more attractive than anything else. Tom’s lines always made her knees weak, along with the light smattering of freckles all along his face and arms and the overall lightening that was happening to his adorable ginger curls. His small beard even bore the signs of slight pigment loss, making it look blonde in spots. It was all too much for her at times and so unbelievably sexy.

Out of nowhere, Joe’s aging became apparent all over his face as well and it was like she was seeing it for the first time. He had the laugh lines around the eyes, the adorable dimples with every sincere smile he gave her, and the slight graying at the temples that just seemed to work so well against his short ebony locks.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked her suspiciously.

She shook her head, bringing herself back down to earth. It was time to force those thoughts away again. It was getting too close to landing again. “Just trying to recall anything you’ve ever said for my quote book,” she said quickly, because that had actually been floating through her mind as well. “Because you know you want to contribute.”

He gave her a wide grin that made his twinkling brown eyes practically disappear behind his glasses. “You think so, huh?”

“Absolutely!” she said, giving him a nudge as she passed by him to get to the table.

“I’m going to need a lot more wine,” he told her, following her to the table.

“That is something we can do,” she said to him, settling in at the table. “But I really don’t want to get drunk tonight.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Joe said as he sat down. “I did buy two bottles of pinot, after all.”

Sammy laughed at this and settled into dinner. The conversation flowed easily and the food was perfect. Joe and Sammy kept at the wine, only temporarily distracted when Emma and Izzie were leaving the table when they stopped to say goodnight before adjourning to their rooms. It wasn’t long before both bottles were empty and Sammy was slightly drunk and Joe was unable to drive home. And in between the drunkenness and exhaustion, Sammy had a vague recollection of walking Joe to the couch, taking his shoes off for him, and covering him with a blanket before kissing his cheek and wandering to bed herself.


	6. Chapter 6 - Tom

Tom: Then

 

I land in Los Angeles after a five hour direct flight that has left me jet lagged, exhausted, and somewhat depressed. The only thing I could think about the entire flight was how badly I wanted Samantha, Emma, and Izzie to be there with me. I want to picture them so clearly in my brain so that I can pretend, if only for a moment, that they are here with me. I can hear Emma’s lyrical voice insisting that I look at her drawing and tell her what I think. I can feel Izzie’s soft, tiny hand placing itself against my cheek. I smell the sweet scent of Samantha, that intoxicating combination of jasmine and lavender that makes her feel wild and free, like she has just come in windswept from running in a meadow.

I feel the airplane come to a complete stop and my eyes fly open. I am almost surprised right then to see that my family is not here with me and I feel the soul crushing disappointment at their absence all over again. I lean back in my seat for a moment, shutting my eyes tightly as I try to gather my bearings before I descend from the plane to the airport. I am dreading the moment I touch my feet to the ground. In the air, I still had the chance to fantasize that my girls were all here with me. The second I am on solid California ground, it’s real. They’re gone.

I realize that there’s a great deal of insanity in this thought, but it is irrational and it is mine. I miss my family.

I adore my work. Being an actor is incredibly gratifying, being able to portray the words of some of the greatest writers in history, to be directed by the most talented in the business and then have the ability to bring entertainment and joy to people. Who wouldn’t find that amazing? I owe everything to the people in the business willing to take a chance on me, each and every time, and for the fans I have acquired over the years for being able to tolerate me as long as they have. Without any of them, I would never be in the position I am in now, and not a day goes by I don’t realize just how lucky I am to be in this position.

And all the while, I got through my life knowing exactly what it took to make me happy. I was focused on my education and subsequent career, hoping one day to be able to give back to everyone who could give me to so well. Romances were fleeting. I always wanted to settle down and have a family at some point, but it just seemed more important to make sure I was headed in the right direction. I was going to pay back all of those wonderful people, I didn’t have time to settle until I was sure that I had achieved something great.

That’s when Samantha happened to me. I was content to keep living the way I was, not really investing in anything romantically. I even recall having made a promise to myself on that trip that I was going to wait just a bit longer before I decided to get serious about anyone. And after a long, exhausting convention and in celebration for the path I had decided to take, I made my way down to the hotel bar to have a private toast. I was planning on having one Long Island iced tea before making my way back up to my room and tucking in for the early flight I had the next day.

What was it they say about plans?

Samantha made me a true believer in soul mates and a love so achingly deep that it reaches across time and space itself. For one week I was captivated by this wildly vivacious, somewhat damaged young woman. Everything I had ever known about love and companionship in the past was gone and all there ever was for me was Samantha. I finally understood all of those classic Shakespeare sonnets, Romeo as he stands beneath Juliet’s balcony and professes that she is akin to the sun in his eyes. She is everything to him and there is no longer a world for him that doesn’t revolve around her. It was as though I was struck by lightning at this realization and I knew I would never be the same again.

I let my love for her grow and intensify in the years we were apart. This was the case for both of us, and when I rediscovered the love of my life five years later and found out she had made me a father in the interim, the shock of this was overwhelming. I was so disappointed about missing out on that time with them that I knew the only rational thing to do was to make sure I never let her go again. I had my first and only love back in my arms along with the treasured gift that was my first daughter, and it didn’t seem like it could get any better from there. And that was when Samantha gave me Isabella.

Now it seems silly that I ever told myself to wait before actively looking for the woman I’d spend the rest of my life with. Maybe our story was fraught with anxiety and its own share of drama, but my life is perfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So this is what brings me back to reality as I recognize that though I am appreciative of my career, I find times like this when I am so tender with loneliness and heartbreak hardest to think of anything but just throwing in the towel and running home. I know this is how I provide for my beautiful family and that Samantha would never in a million years approve of me abandoning something that is so much a part of who I am. It is part of my identity and she has always understood and supported that. She couldn’t let me abandon this any more than I could let her abandon writing because it was hard at times. It was much too important to her.

Thinking about all of this is making me even more anguished so I open my eyes and try to focus on the flight attendants. It feels as though eons are about to pass in front of my eyes before I can leave the plane. A moment ago I was okay with it, not wanting to touch down into California, but now I’m not sure if I want to sit here with nothing to distract me from thoughts of my girls that continue to plague me, making the aching in my heart absolutely excruciating.

I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I am most likely going to feel like this way for the rest of the night. All of my real work begins in the morning so I’ll have that to distract myself and undoubtedly the first night is always the hardest when I am away from my family.

I take a second, debating whether or not I should give my wife a call right now or if I should wait until I am actually off of the plane and can talk to her without interruption.

I drag my hands across my tired face, trying to gather my wits. It has been a long, emotional day, and I am ready to fall into a very deep slumber for as long as I possibly can. It might actually be better if I called Samantha right now because then I could just get to the hotel and knock out the moment my head hits the pillow.

Then again, I’d hate to think it was acceptable for me to call her for five seconds while I’m on the plane, making me feel rushed when I am actually quite anxious to talk to her. I want to tell her when I get to the hotel so that she knows I’ve made it safe and sound and there wasn’t some kind of accident from the airport to the hotel.

I find myself grinning then, thinking of Samantha’s insistence that I call her nearly every time I get in and out of a vehicle when she’s not there. She maintains that it’s part of being a mother but I know that it is in her nature to be a bit of a worrier. It is something I find absolutely endearing about her.

And with this thought, I know I have to call her right away. I need to hear her voice. The second I have my mobile turned back on, I am dialing her number, waiting for her to pick up, which she does quite quickly, greeting me with the most ecstatic “Hello, angel!” I’ve ever heard.

I close my eyes at the sound of her voice, so overjoyed to hear from her that my heart soars a bit. It seems like every time I separate from my better half all of those initial feelings I had for her come back. I have butterflies in my stomach and my pulse is racing. “My love, it’s so good to hear your voice.”

“I’m so glad you called,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her tired words.

“I wish I was there with you,” I tell her, sinking into my seat and running a hand through my hair.

“I wish you were here, too,” she says. “We all miss you and love you,” and I hear some rustling and a second later I hear my daughters yelling to me. This is when I feel the first tear stinging my eye but I try not to let it show. I’ll have the privacy to be emotional later. I tell them how much I love and miss them and promise to call them soon. Samantha talks to the girls for a moment and then I hear a much different voice greet me.

“Don’t worry, man, all your girls are well taken care of, I promise!” Joe is saying.

I smile widely, thankful that he is there and realize with a start that I had completely forgotten about Joe entirely. I tell him how grateful I am to him for being there when I cannot be and I end my conversation with my family on the promise I’ll call when I get to the hotel. I feel much lighter than before, knowing my family is in capable hands and I relax, knowing sooner or later I’ll get back home to my beautiful miracles.  
 

Tom: Now

 

Not for the first time in his life would Tom find his way down to a bar to distract himself. He was mostly a social drinker and he liked to keep it that way for the most part. He seldom saw a need to drown his problems in a bottle of alcohol but he supposed everyone had their weak moments when they just needed the distraction from life.

Tonight was no exception, and Tom knew that as he slid into a small table at the hotel bar and ordered his first drink that it was very much needed. It had been a long day and it was about to be a long night.

He had arrived here for location scouting three days beforehand and unfortunately were having little to no luck at all finding someplace either suitable for shooting (for aesthetic or functional reasons) or available for shooting. It was becoming incredibly tiresome and frustrating. He had figured that there was a good chance he would need to stay longer, but by the morning of the third day there he was sure of it.

He woke to this sad realization and what looked to be a pretty terrible day, weather wise, for the small island. Before he had a chance to really ascertain just how bad the weather was, he spent most of the first hour he was awake trying to gather the courage and fortitude it would take to call his wife and tell her that there was no way he was going to make it home today or within the next couple of days.

He was deeply saddened by this fact because, like any other time he left Samantha, no matter what the situation at home was, he missed her fiercely. He really didn’t think it would eat away at him the way it was because he was leaving a situation that could definitely use a break. It was as though his soul knew that she wasn’t there and was responding, despite what his stupid brain was trying to claim to the rest of his body. He wanted to be back home to her because no matter how bad things got, she was still his miracle, and she always would be.

He just wished that before he could get there he could muster the strength to just quit being a coward and talk to his wife. It killed Tom, but he knew that things were getting bad. He went over and over the scenario in his head as he got ready to go the next morning. He let the hot water of the shower pour down his aching back, his heart heavy as he remembered how Samantha had taken the news that he was planning on leaving on such short notice.

He’d expected her to scream, lash out, verbally assault him and tell him he was being a jackass. She would accuse him of keeping things from her and indirectly call him a liar without ever actually saying the word to his face. At some point, he would raise his voice to her and then they would realize they were getting too loud and move their conversation to their room or outside or wherever the closest safe zone was. Then after he screamed a little and she screamed a little more, she would cry, he would feel horrible, and one of them would initiate the tight embrace that would happen when they were calm and would eventually lead them to their reconciliation. That’s how it always went.

Until that night, when he looked at his wife, told her he needed to go soon because they couldn’t move forward with the project until he did, and flinched, waiting for the row to begin. The one that didn’t happen.

The most heartbreaking part of all of it was the fact that Samantha was seething. She was teaming with anger; he could see it in the way she balled up her fists, clenched her jaw, and the way the fire lit up her stormy espresso colored eyes. He prepared himself for it because he saw the words start on her full, rose colored lips, ready to lash out, but at the last second, she swallowed all of it and merely blinked at him, whispering, “Okay.”

Tom clenched his eyes shut at the memory. He had tried so hard to not think about that night while he was on his trip but conversely could sometimes think of nothing else. It was so unfair to have this hanging over his head. He really wished he could talk to her about it, tell her that it really bothered him that she hadn’t fought him on it and that he wanted the screaming, if only to assure himself that his wife still felt that passion for him that she always had.

It scared him more than anything in this entire world thinking that Samantha just didn’t care anymore.

He decided it was better not to discuss any of that while he was gone. He figured he would wait until he got home and he could have her close again before he told her any of his misgivings. He didn’t want her to slip away before he had a chance to show her how distraught he was over all of this and how sorry he was for his part in all of it.

He was so scared she’d reject him after all this time that he just wasn’t sure how to open up that conversation.

So he decided he would just go ahead and fake his way through the motions today. He was going to get this location found, whether he liked it or not, because he didn’t feel as though he could afford to be away from home for too much longer. He had this completely irrational fear that Samantha was going to forget about him completely if he wasn’t standing right there in front of her.

It didn’t take long, though, to realize that this dream of finding somewhere to shoot quickly was going to pan out. As soon as he met his team downstairs he was informed that the weather was starting to get worse and that it was very possible they wouldn’t be able to get a flight out for several days. This was bad enough to hear, because he knew that he was going to have to stay at least one more day anyway. Now he had absolutely no choice and it was a hard pill to swallow.

After hearing this, though, Tom was not swayed. He directed everyone to hurry up so that they could get going and at least get a little groundwork done today before the worst of the weather came down on them. There was reluctance because of the severity of the storm brewing outside but Tom was insistent. He was going to get as much work done as possible so that he could get home sooner. He hated that his personal life was interfering with work but there were time when that was bound to happen and he was fully accepting of it. Family came first when it was necessary.

It was necessary.

Finally, they were able to hit the road and things went from bad to worse. The sour mood Tom was already in was exacerbated by the constant obstructions they came across trying to drive in the torrential downpour coming in from the hurricane. Normally Tom liked to try and be as positive and upbeat as possible about everything, especially a film he was so passionate about, but it was really hard to feel optimistic about everything. He desperately longed for his family. He hadn’t left his eldest daughter on the greatest of terms, he missed his conversations with Izzie, and he wished things had been at least somewhat civil and stable with his wife. He needed to be home and he knew it had been a mistake to just jump into this trip without really thinking it through first.

So on top of the thoughts of his family back home without him, the barriers they continually hit because of the impending storm were a mitigating factor leading to his extreme annoyance.

It didn’t take much longer before Tom was about ready to throw in the towel. He and the crew were hungry, cold, and exhausted. The radio station was instructing that the worst of the storm was imminent, urging residents to find a safe place to ride out the storm. Before leaving the hotel, Tom and the crew were told there was a basement where the guests at the hotel would be evacuated. Tom didn’t care if it was a dingy, dimly lit place with a dirt floor at this point. He was ready to lie back and relax, call his wife and tell her what was going on, if only to hear her voice.

That was when the first hopeful moment of the night occurred. They saw a piece of land that was especially perfect for their filming needs, so they had to pull over and gather information so that they could see about shooting there in a month’s time. For a moment, as they were pulling over and heaving themselves out of the vehicle and into the pouring rain, Tom allowed himself to have a hopeful moment. Maybe out of this whole weather fiasco they’d actually find somewhere they were able to utilize.

Of course, as soon as he stepped out into the rain, Tom heard his phone go off and anxiously reached for it while trying to shield it from the buckets of water pouring from the sky. He nearly dropped it but managed to answer it before actually noticing who was calling.

Tom instantly felt awful for curtly greeting his wife because he was really happy to hear from her. It was serendipitous that she should call right then, since he was already planning on ringing her to discuss everything going on.

The silver lining in this terrible storm was the moment he got to hear the happiness in his wife’s voice. She was happy to talk to him. It put all of his previous fears to rest for just a second, but what happened next was so unfortunate that it was enough to ruin the rest of his night, causing him to wander into the bar for a much needed cocktail.

The conversation was short and broken up, which was frustrating for Tom because he really wanted to hear what his wife had to say about her book idea. She had struggled with the idea for so long and he was anxious to hear that she had actually found something she was excited about. For a second, he was lucky to have a decent enough signal to be able to hear her. But of course, it couldn’t be that simple. It was right when he was asking her about her it that the weather decided to pick up.

The wind was so intense that he was having a hard time hearing the people that were right next to him telling him they had to go before they were blown off the road, much less someone on his mobile that was a million miles away. He promised himself he wasn’t going to get upset about it, but all at once, the weather situation on the island culminating with the fact that he couldn’t listen to Samantha and give her the attention she deserved was too much and he lashed out at the nearest person.

“I’m really sorry, Samantha, but this is really quite a bad time for me right now!” Tom yelled. He wasn’t sure if it was coming off as callous, but he could barely hear a thing and screaming at the phone seemed to be the best way to ensure Samantha would actually hear him. The rain became unbearable as it fell against his exposed shoulders. He pushed the damp, dripping curls out of his eyes as he turned and heard one of his producers screaming at him that it was probably not a great idea to be out in this weather and they should go.

As they turned back to the vehicle Tom was aware his phone connection was getting bad again but he tried, in vain, to shout to Samantha on the other end before he lost the connection completely. “Listen, love, the weather here is terrible and I want to talk and I love you but I can’t hear you. The weather is absolutely horrifying and I keep coming up with these dumb ideas to go back out into it, so I can’t talk. I’ll try to call you later. I love you. Make sure you tell Emma and Izzie I miss them every day!” He took a deep breath, wishing he could continue to talk, if just to tell her how much he missed her and wanted to be there with her. The storm was becoming a little scary and it made him miss home that much more. “Samantha? Hello?” And with that, the connection was out and there was no more hope of being able to get her on the phone again.

The ride back to the hotel was full of its own obstacles and for the first time he started to feel a little bit afraid that he wouldn’t make it back safely. He went over and over the conversation with Samantha in his head and more and more he was beginning to realize how rude he had sounded. He couldn’t be sure if she’d heard every single word or if a lot of it had been broken up in transmission, but he knew the desperation and frustration he was feeling for the situation here probably reflected in his voice. He could only imagine that it made Samantha feel as though she were the target for this random hostility.

The moment he had a signal, he needed to make sure she was the first priority. He felt the sudden need to purge everything to her. Knowing that the weather was supposed to be nasty for a while, he didn’t think it was possible he’d be on a plane home soon. That terrifying realization that he didn’t know when he would see his family again was sobering enough to make him understand that he really just needed to get over his fears and talk to his wife. She was the most important person in the world to him, other than his daughters, and he wasn’t going to neglect her anymore.

Fortunately, they made it to the hotel in one piece. The storm wasn’t quite bad enough to warrant the basement evacuation but not long before they got to their rooms the power flickered and finally cut off completely. Tom sat in the darkness of his hotel room, playing with his phone, turning it on and off, hoping that the ‘No Service’ message at the top of his phone would disappear so he could call his wife and tell her he was sorry for cutting her off and that he was okay. All he wanted was to hear her voice, if only for a tiny second.

Before he had too long to wallow in this angry desperation, the power came back on and there was a lot of commotion in the hotel that he could hear clearly through the walls. Tom didn’t want to be part of the ruckus; he just wanted to be able to call home.

Try as he might, he could not seem to get the entire situation out of his head, his heart pounding nervously as the minutes ticked past. He imagined what Samantha must be thinking about their conversation. She must be furious with him, more so than usual, and he wanted to make absolutely sure that he never pushed her to the point where she was thinking of leaving him. It would, without a doubt, end his whole world to lose his soul mate.

But twenty minutes later he still couldn’t seem to push it out of his mind and calm himself down. It was so upsetting. He was usually the most positive person he knew. The one thing about his beautiful wife that sometimes drove him crazy was her tendency to over worry about things. There had been times in the past when she made herself sick over it, so he knew how to handle someone like that. Conversely, this made him that much calmer all of the time just in case he had to step in and help his wife through it. This meant whenever he did it, something must be seriously worrying him. This was definitely something he was going to make himself sick over.

It didn’t take long for Tom to realize that his best course of action was to just get out of the room and do something. They were confined to the hotel for now, so his options were limited. He didn’t want to give into it, but he felt that it was probably the only way he was going to feel better tonight. After a quick shower and a change of clothes, he left his room and headed down to the bar, not sure if doing this was anywhere near a good idea, but unable to stop himself.

The memories started coming up in his brain. He saw that night so many years ago when he told Luke that he needed to get out on his own for just a few minutes, have a drink, and just unwind. He didn’t even bother changing out of his suit from the day. He simply brushed his teeth, buttoned his coat, and made sure he didn’t smell too offensive before he left. He remembered wanting to get down there so quickly because he was afraid someone was going to stop him and invite him out, and he couldn’t say no just to go and have a drink alone. It seemed a little selfish to do that.

He wasn’t in a suit tonight but he was feeling equally as exhausted as he was that night so many years ago. He knew this time though that he wasn’t going to be running across any stunningly beautiful life-changing women. His heart skipped a beat as he remembered that a simple escape into a drink had actually turned out to be a good idea. That kind of luck only happened once, so there was probably nothing good that came out of going down to the bar tonight.

And he still had to.

So as soon as he walked in and saw most of his crew and several other hotel guests crowding the bar, he knew that he had not been the only one with this exact idea. This relaxed him, made him feel less like he was trying to run away from his personal problems and more like he was just trying to sit back after a long hectic day on the job.

Smiling, he walked over and greeted many of the crew members and put in his drink order. He decided he wasn’t going to drink anything too hard tonight. No need to repeat his exact actions in San Diego. He definitely wouldn’t get that lucky twice.  
It didn’t take long before everyone was ready to head back up to their rooms and Tom was on his third beer and really starting to feel it. He was having a good time talking to his crew and he didn’t necessarily want the night to end yet. He hadn’t given the situation with his wife much thought and it was nice to have it off of his shoulders, if even for a second.

“Can I get another, please?” he said, turning to the bartender and handing over his empty bottle.

“We’re heading to bed, boss,” said his cinematographer, who clapped him on the back.

“All right,” he said, giving him his hand and shaking it. “You have a good night, Peter.”

“We will. See you tomorrow, we’ll figure this thing out,” he assured them, and the last few members of his crew turned around and walked out of the bar.

Tom turned back to receive his newly opened beer and took a deep swig. He was alone now in a hotel bar. It seemed like it would have been this way back in California if Samantha hadn’t been in there that night. He couldn’t help but think how lonely this was and he wished desperately he had Samantha there to distract him from his thoughts. Now that everyone was gone and not talking to him about the film he had time to refocus where he definitely did not want his thoughts wandering.

He knew that things needed to change the moment he got home. He had been still checking his phone, even though his head was even lighter than it had been with the previous beer, but he wanted to make sure he checked periodically to see if he could call home. He was still out of luck. The hotel was running on a back-up generator, so most of the island was still without power. He knew that it wouldn’t be until probably the next day that he would actually have the ability to even get through for a minute, and that was if he was lucky.

He sighed heavily, closing his eyes as he continued sipping. He wished he hadn’t run out at the last minute, maybe wait a moment and discuss it with his wife.

A cold chill swept through his body as he remembered the look on Samantha’s face after she resigned herself to the fact that this was happening. He was preparing himself for that fight and hadn’t even realized that he was hoping for it until she backed off completely and shut down. There was a quick second of insanity where he was thinking about reaching into that vault of unspeakable insults. Those few things that if said will cause an instant fight and an awful lot of anger and betrayal for having brought these things up again after agreeing not to. He thought, just for a second, that it was a good idea because he wanted her to lash out, show her passion, anything that would let him know she was still really in this with him.

He couldn’t blame her, though. He was being a coward again, avoiding talking to her for so many stupid reasons. He was too proud or too scared or whatever the excuse was this time, and he didn’t think it was even remotely redeemable at this point. Tom was so afraid to lose Samantha that it scared him blind to even think about starting that conversation because he was almost eighty percent sure that at this point it would end with her leaving.

Tom came back to himself and felt slightly faint. He peered down and saw that he had finished yet another beer and he pushed it away, debating on whether or not another one was a good idea. He was starting to feel the impending failure of his marriage weighing down on his chest, thinking about going on with the rest of his life without the woman there that had stolen his heart years before. What was he anymore without her? He was a husband and a father and he never wanted any other title more than those. If Tom had to give up the business for Samantha, Emma, or Izzie, he would do it in a heartbeat. They were the world to him and there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his girls.

So why was it so hard to just talk to Samantha? Why did it have to be at all complicated? It was easy to fix and he just needed to stop being so stubborn about fixing it.

Feeling infinitely better, Tom bent over and requested one more drink. He was something of a lightweight when it came to alcohol because he didn’t drink very often and had a lower tolerance anyway. Back in his youth and the beginning days of his time in the business he was able to handle his liquor a lot better than he could now. Just because one of his drunken stupors had yielded positive results did not mean any other would.

Once his beer came he sat back and closed his eyes for a moment before taking a drink, just to clear his head. He was excited to get home to Samantha so that he could take her in his arms again and just tell her what she meant to him. He would spend some more quality time with his girls, because before they knew it Emma would be graduating from high school and be off to college.

He knew the moment Emma left he would be a basket case. He’d missed out on the most important formative years of her life and it caused him such guilt to have missed it that he was determined not to miss one more important moment. He and Izzie got along better because it was easier to find comfortable conversation, even though she was only seven years old. With Emma, it was different and it always had been. They used to talk about art and creativity and she used to ask for his help on occasion, but overall, Emma was more attached to Samantha. He understood and had no problem with it. It still made him feel insanely guilty, because if he had done what his gut told him to do the first time, he would have just turned right back around and took her with him to London. They would have been there when they found out she was pregnant, and instead of there being any fear or trepidation, they would embrace it excitedly, because he knew that both of them wanted to have a family so badly.

Tom was determined not to let this ruin his entire night. It was pointless to worry about it anymore. He couldn’t get a hold of Samantha anytime soon so he might as well wait and unwind for the night. Just as he was about to finish his beer and take off he heard someone sit down next to him and say, “What a terribly day, huh?”

He blinked a couple of times and looked down. His vision was starting to get blurry and he knew that one more drink and he would be over the edge. The person sitting next to him had said this and he recognized Malinda, the photographer that had been hired for the location scouting on this trip. Not only did they all have to approve of the location but the film studio had to approve as well because they would foot the bill for everyone to fly there and rent out whatever space it was they needed.

Malinda was young, much younger than him. He suspected she was somewhere in her mid-twenties, fresh out of college, and still so completely inexperienced in the business that he really felt like he was old and out of touch. She was short and blonde and reminded him so much of Samantha at times that it made his heart hurt. He found himself smiling, thinking of her as he turned to Malinda. “I would say so. I thought all of you had gone up to bed already.”

“Oh no, I actually just got down here,” she answered, and the bartender came by and asked her what she wanted. She opted for a beer as well and Tom reluctantly decided to put another order in, if not to just enjoy someone else’s company and stave off going back to an empty bed.

“Seems as though you have some catching up to do,” he said to her, a knowing smirk on his face.

“I don’t know if I’m going to do that much drinking tonight,” she told him. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me.”  
Tom shrugged in response to this. “It’s been an awfully long weekend and I highly doubt we’ll get much done tomorrow,” he told her. “Don’t hold back on my account.”

It was Malinda’s turn to shrug. “I’ll give it some thought. What are you still doing down here if everyone else has gone to bed?”  
“Honestly,” he began and Tom knew things were about to get hairy. The alcohol had once again loosened his tongue, except now he was expressing his thoughts to the wrong person. “I just… for a moment… I wanted to escape my reality. My head is full of the possible outcomes to this tension in my relationship with my wife… and I wanted to get away from it.”

Malinda frowned at him, appearing concerned. “Is everything all right?” she asked. “I know I’m young and you don’t know me very well, but you can feel free to talk to me. I’ll listen,” she added with a sincere smile.

Tom felt a little better about opening up after she said that and he took a deep breath, finally feeling the relief of being able to get this out and off of his chest. “It was, from the very beginning… Samantha and I don’t have the most traditional love story, but not for a second during our entire time together have we ever not wanted to be around each other. I mean, even when my wife was at her worst…” he trailed off and then chuckled to himself as he remembered all of the times he spent with Samantha when they were happy and desperately in love. “Even when we were expecting our daughter Isabella, we were crazy about each other and we still just wanted to be together. She was so adorable… For some reason, all throughout the pregnancy she craved chocolates. You know how it seems so cliché to have the husband wake up in the middle of the night to go fetch an insane food, but that’s really the way it went for a while. I was going out at all hours to bring home bulk candies and chocolates and most of the time she’d eat like four of them and then go right back to sleep and then forget she had them until the next day when she’d eat all of them and then skip dinner.” He paused to laugh at the memory and then came back to the present, noticing that Malinda was politely watching and not saying anything while he ranted. He instantly felt like an idiot.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, clearing his throat. “I didn’t mean to just go off like that.” He wrapped his right hand around his cold beer bottle and stared at it, feeling sheepish. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my wife’s peculiarities.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she assured. “The way you talk about her, it’s sweet,” she said, and Tom lifted his head up to stare at her. Her dark blue eyes were bright as she smiled at him. Another pain shot through his heart as he recognized his wife in her slight mannerisms, even down to the lip she bit as she tried to find a way to answer him. “It’s intense, like you can’t breathe without her or something.”

Tom smiled his wide grin at her. “You have a way with words, you do.”

“I just see what I see,” she said modestly, shrugging her shoulders and taking another pull at her beer.

“You are quite observant then,” he said, tipping his head and beer to her.

“Thank you, sir,” she said, smiling.

He shook his head. “No ‘sir’ just ‘Tom,’ all right? I’m just a typical man, nothing more than that.”

Malinda scoffed at this. “You, typical? I don’t think so. You’re a legend.”

“Listen,” he said, adjusting himself. His head was swimming so much now that he knew he was beyond the point he wanted to be for the evening. He’d overdid it with this last one, one that he wasn’t even halfway through yet. There was no way he was going to feel all right in the morning. “Right now, we’re two people in a bar. I am a man, talking to a woman, not making a movie or doing anything else like that. We could be anyone in the world. So I’m just Tom.”

Malinda giggled and leaned in a little closer. Tom’s eyes crossed just for a second and when he was readjusting his vision he saw, for the briefest instant, he saw the visage of his wife. He saw her just as she was that first night, her bright blonde hair caressing the soft lines of her face. Her rose red lips pursed and ready, her dark, coffee brown eyes curious and cautious as they swept through the bar. He even saw the vivid fuchsia of her form hugging dress, accentuating her most obvious, supple assets.

He felt himself getting excited for all the wrong reasons, so he sat back, blinked and then tried to shake the image of Samantha from his head before things became very confusing. The woman he was talking to was not his wife. She was essentially a complete stranger and not someone that he knew well enough to truly express everything to.

And he certainly didn’t need to be feeling sexual about her in any way, shape or form, no matter who she thought she was and which woman was actually triggering the thoughts. Tom couldn’t deny that it had been quite a long time since he and his wife had actually slept together and it was frustrating. Tom was not a man that took sex lightly. He wasn’t in it purely for the physical gratification. He much preferred the idea of making love, being close to the person you love most in this world and then waking up with that person still in your arms. What was the point if there wasn’t closeness?

Tom knew that what he really missed with his wife was the closeness. As he stared at this woman that reminded him so much of his companion, he realized that he just wanted to feel like someone was there for him. He knew that for the most part, he was the one lacking on communication and actually opening up to Samantha to figure things out, but he was also suffering the loss of his wife’s emotional attachment as well. If she would have said something when she knew things were getting bad, it would have been avoided as well, but he couldn’t fault her for that. They were both proud, stubborn people. It was what they loved about one another but also one of the most troubling matters they had to contend with.

“Are you all right, sir?”

Tom blinked and brought himself back to the present again. “Yes, yes, I’m sorry, I’m fine, and please call me Tom. I absolutely insist.” He emphasized this last one with a pat on the woman’s hand and without meaning to, he snatched his hand away as though he had been burned at the contact. He couldn’t deny that it felt nice to be affectionate with someone. “I-I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” she insisted to him. “Don’t keep apologizing. If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. I have nowhere to go. Bend my ear all you want.”

Tom heaved a sigh and began to talk despite the promises he made to just keep it to himself. In the course of the conversation he finished his beer and did get somewhat drunker, almost to the point where he was starting to make no sense and didn’t have the best judgment. All he knew was that it was nice to be able to sit and talk to someone, someone who would listen and not judge or get angry or yell at him and that would finally understand what he was going through, instead of just constantly denying the fact that he could feel anything. Just because he was generally much more optimistic and upbeat about situations than she was didn’t mean he couldn’t feel the stress start to affect him negatively. No one was that strong. It just seemed as though Samantha was so used to relying on him for strength that she forget to let him rely on her sometimes, too.

It was cathartic getting these feelings out but Tom knew he would regret his actions the next morning. He was aware that he couldn’t make rational decisions and hoped as he continued to watch Malinda’s face morph into Samantha’s and back again that Tom was able to differentiate her tonight.

After a certain point though that, like Samantha had, he would just stop caring.


	7. Chapter 7 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

“You are going to love this, trust me.”

“I don’t know, Joe, I haven’t been out to a bar in so long! I mean, I’m a wife, a mother, it just seems kind of inappropriate for me to be out.”

I roll my eyes at my best friend. I feel terrible for her because she has run herself ragged in the last few months and she desperately needs time off. Emma is still in school and Izzie is nearly three. Tom has recently returned from a long trip to Los Angeles, so I know that he is more than willing to hang out with the girls, spending quality time while Sam has a night off. She has been pushing herself so hard to make sure the girls are taken care of, the household keeps running, and her books still get written and she has not even been able to achieve a full night’s sleep.

Now, though, she is protesting, but I know that she will enjoy coming out with me. It took so much convincing from both me and Tom and she finally agreed after Tom told her he would prefer a night alone with the girls. I was never quite clear on how truthful he was being, because I knew Tom had a hard time being away from Sam for long periods of time but he was also aware of how frazzled she was. Normally Sam is sharp as a tack but lately she hasn’t even been able to form a full thought before stammering over it twenty times.

We arrive at the bar where I am taking Sam for our night out and she is still hemming and hawing about it, even though she is made up, dressed up, and following me in. I have to roll my eyes at her because she’s being ridiculous, but I have a surprise all ready for her so there’s no way we’re going to miss it.

I greet a few people on my way in and we find a small table toward the front of the stage. The other thing I love about coming to Michigan is that there are really so few people that know or care who I am, so I am able to blend in almost seamlessly with everyone else. The surprise I have planned for Sam will shove me front and center, though. I suppose it’s not so bad, because for her, it’s always worth it.

For a long time I was touring the country with my production company to promote it and try to get more artists and people involved in the cultivation of various projects. At each event I would film people myself, getting right into the thick of it and enjoying what people had to say about collaborating. I would also set up a show where I would personally go out and sing a few songs, just to get people excited about what I had going on. Each show was always a major success, but I miss the days when I would tour. There are plenty of other people able to do that now. When I feel up to it I join a show or two every so often but it just isn’t something I am anxious to repeat annually.

Every so often I go down to local bars, either in Michigan or Cali, where I can watch other talent at open mikes and then get into the list myself to play a bit. It helps get it out of my system and then I can go for another few months until I feel the urge again.  
So obviously when I have the chance to actually get out and make my Sam tag along with me, I have to do something for her. She’s been depressed lately and it saddens me to see her in pain. I hate it. Once we are at our table I order her a drink. She insists that she doesn’t need it.

“Of course you do,” I tell her. “Of any other drink in this entire world, you deserve this one right now. You’re going to drink it, like it, and have fun.”

“Whatever you say,” she says skeptically, but she does drink the cocktail that was put in front of her and over the next hour she seems to relax and forget about home. The conversation and laughter come easily and the time passes until I remember that I have something I have to do soon. The live music hasn’t even started but once it does, it’s next to impossible for us to be able to carry on our conversation.

We sit and watch the band play a lot of great sounding covers and a couple of original songs that are unique and fun to listen to.

I sneak a look at Sam as the music plays and she is staring straight ahead, lost in her thoughts but a wistful smile is on her face. I know she is enjoying the music and being out of the house, but she still seems a little distant and I wish she would come back to me. Then again, she has never been mine to begin with, so there is nothing for her to come back to.

I gulp a little, knowing that it is nearly my turn to take the stage and I wonder if the song I’ve chosen for Sam is too much. Will it make her feel uncomfortable or will she just assume I picked it because I also happen to know she loves it? I try to answer these questions as I stare at her and then look back up at the band. Before too long though, the band is done with their set and they are announcing the ‘very special guest’ that is coming up to play. I see Sam frown for a second and then the look on her adorable face is priceless when I hear him say my full name and I stand up to head up to the stage.

I don’t dare turn around to look at her until I get up to the stage. The lead singer hands me a guitar I had placed up there at the beginning of the night and I adjust the microphone stand before I give a bashful grin and greet the crowd.

“So, sorry for the impromptu show stealing everyone,” I laugh. “But my best friend is going through a rough patch and I wanted to do something nice. Sam,” I say, and now I look right at her. All I can see is the shock in her large brown eyes and I have to smirk. “I picked this song just for you.”

It takes a second to start it up but the first couple of chords are instantly recognized and everyone in the bar yells their appreciation for my song choice. I focus on the music, closing my eyes to get a feel of it as I play and then when the time is right, I put my mouth close to the mike and begin singing the words.

My gaze lands on her and I am sure as I sing the words of a song that is pretty much saying that Sam’s loins are on fire that she is going to know I mean it in a non-friendly way. I am so scared for a moment that I forget to enjoy the song but she seems to like it so I decide to forget about being scared. If nothing else, I can deny that it meant anything. It was only a song that I knew she liked and I had the ability to play. That was good.

I love to sing, especially when it’s dedicated to someone or something that I truly love or believe in. I wish I had the time to sit and write my own music but there are just so many more important things I can do with my time. I know that Sam is important so I made sure to set aside some time to do this. Maybe it would make me happy to write my own music if I can’t be with the woman I love and probably never will be.

As the song plays on more and more people are getting into it. It is getting late and many people are already well past drunk. I know that I sound that much better to these people and they are providing a great deal of background noise for me. It doesn’t feel as raw and personal anymore. It feels like I am playing to a full crowd of anxious people versus this one woman I single out among all the others.

We finish the song and I thank the crowd, setting my guitar back down with the intent of picking it up before we leave later. I return to the table, to Sam, and hope that when I sit down she doesn’t have anything too harsh to say to me. I mean, I’m no professional singer, but I’m not half bad and I can carry a tune.

I sit down and face Sam, whose mouth is still slightly open and eyes are wide and quizzical. Her expression is hard to read because I’ve never quite seen it before. It seems to be a mix of gratitude and confusion with a hint of genuine surprise for good measure.

There is a scary but brief moment where I am sure that she knows what the song choice really meant, that she has figured out this secret I’ve been keeping from her for the last two years and she is going to tell me to get out of her sight before she slaps me. But then her face shifts and the warmest, most beautiful smile slides across her perfect rosy lips and I know that she is grateful for what I have done tonight.

I wait, expecting the gratitude she is about to bestow on me but she catches me off guard when she leaps out of her seat, throwing her arms around me and pressing her lips against mine firmly. I know in the instant she does it that it’s not meant to be romantic. It’s the way you kiss someone that you’re close to but related to. If we were brother and sister, this would be awkward, but it’s far less than romantic. I am ashamed to admit that I’m a bit disappointed, but I take it in anyway and hug her tightly.

As we embrace, she leans closer to my ear and whispers, “That was so nice of you, Joe. I’ll never ever forget how you make me feel like the only woman in the room when you sing.”

I gulp one more time because I know that even for the tiniest fraction of a second she has seen my heart. And yet I am still here.  
 

Joe: Now

 

Joe woke up the next day disoriented, slightly nauseated, and incredibly thirsty. He was unaware of where he was but he was fully aware that he had fallen asleep in his jeans and he was lying on a plush, narrow surface. He opened his dark eyes slowly and the light coming in from the window next to him was absolutely blinding. His head throbbed a bit and he immediately remembered everything that had happened the night before. The toast, the dinner, the conversation, the wine… He went through the events of the night and realized he could not recall leaving Sam’s house. He must have fallen asleep on the couch the night before.

It wasn’t the first time he’d had to spend the night at their place, but for some reason it felt weird and intrusive this time. He’d stayed when Tom was gone before, when Sam couldn’t seem to sleep without someone being there with her. It hadn’t felt like this before and he knew it must have been the fact that things were so strained between Sam and Tom right now.

He sat up slowly from the couch and could finally make out the tiny sounds of someone in the kitchen. The scent of fresh brewed coffee hit his nose as well as what he thought was eggs and toast. His stomach growled loudly and he realized that the source of his nausea was probably just hunger. If he could make it off of the couch without his head bursting open he would make his way into the kitchen so he could get some coffee. It sounded amazing right now.

When he stepped into the kitchen he only saw the back of Sammy as she tended to the food she was making. Her messy blonde hair was pulled into a loose bun at the back of her neck and she was in a simple blue shirt with what appeared to be black yoga pants underneath. She was relaxed and casual and there was something so implicitly sexy about this that out of nowhere, Joe felt his blood speeding up through his body. He managed to stomp out the thoughts enough to at least keep his increasing arousal from showing physically. He tried to keep his eyes off of Sammy as he entered the kitchen surreptitiously and sat down.

Sam heard him right away of course and swung around then with a huge grin spreading across her beautiful face. Joe’s eyes drank her in and he knew that there was no way he was going to make it through this breakfast without making a complete fucking asshole of himself. Searching frantically for something to distract him, he happened to notice a couple of small white pills on the table next to a bottle of Vitamin Water, his favorite flavor in fact. He blinked quizzically and looked up at Sam, who had turned back to the food now.

“What is this?” he asked, pointing. She turned around and looked down and then gave him another sweet smile that made his heart skip a beat and his blood race to the point where he was on the verge of being very uncomfortable.

“That’s for you,” she said, nodding at it. His gaze fixed there for a second before he popped the pills in his mouth and cracked open his water to wash them down. “I made sure to be prepared since you said you were bringing wine over and I thought that there might be a chance you crashed on the couch again.”

He swallowed his pills and set the water back down. It tasted absolutely amazing to his parched, dry body and he was grateful to Sam for coming through. Again. “How did you know, though?” he asked when he finally set his drink down on the table.

“What do you mean? How did I know that you like triple x Vitamin Water and two Excedrin after a night of getting drunk on wine because of the migraines you wake up with?” she said and then gave him a cocky smile over her shoulder. “Because, mother fucker, I listen,” she said, and she pointed the spatula she was using at him for emphasis. “I made you breakfast, too.”

“I see that, thanks,” he said, frowning as he looked around the kitchen. “Where are the girls?”

“School,” she said with a laugh. “It’s nine-thirty.” Sam turned off the stove and turned to deposit the eggs onto the plates she had up there.

“It is?” he asked and she giggled at him again. She set the eggs in front of him and instructed him to take toast if he wanted it. He dug in greedily and between bites asked, “So you got up this morning to take the girls to school?”

She nodded, buttering her toast. “Seven-thirty on the dot.”

“You were drunker than I was last night, how did you manage?”

She grinned at him before taking a bite of her toast, saying, “B twelve and parental responsibility.” She chomped into her food and smirked again.

“You’re really something, aren’t ya?” he said, grinning mischievously at her.

“You know it,” she said. “I feel a lot better now, though. The coffee really helped. And the Vitamin Water I got for myself.”

“Well, there’s that at least,” he said, finishing the rest of his food and taking a large swig of his water. “What are you doing tonight?”

Sam paused to contemplate the answer to this question for a moment and then finally spoke as she cleared off her own plate and sat back. “Well, what’s today, Tuesday?” he nodded and she continued. “As far as I know we’re free for the evening. I have to punch up a little more of my draft but I think I should be able to wrap that up quickly.” She stopped speaking and Joe started to open his mouth but was cut off when Sam bounced in her seat. “Oh! I just remembered I have to go over to the cottage and fix a few things.”

“Do you need any help?” Joe asked. The cottage to which Sam was referring was the small one she had lived in when she and Tom were first married. At the time, apparently, Tom hadn’t realized that Sam actually owned not just the cottage by the lake but nearly two full acres of property right along with it. He remembered that when he first met the couple they were already talking about building themselves another house right on the property. Sam was reluctant because this cottage was hers, where she had raised her daughter, and she was still very much attached to it. Joe learned shortly after meeting his new friends that they were expecting their second child and Tom was now insistent that they get it going soon. Sam finally agreed to it because the cottage was hers, and not theirs. Tom decided, because his wife was giving in to his wishes, that he would keep the cottage instead of trying to sell it so that they could rent it out on occasion and keep it in the family.

Currently, the house was empty of any tenants. They kept the power and water on over there because it go so cold in the winter and it definitely needed to have power so that the pipes didn’t freeze. On occasion he knew that both Tom and Sam liked to escape and go over to the cottage when it was unoccupied, just to get away for a moment. Their new home was beautiful and big, but it didn’t have the lake view and the peacefulness that the other seemed to have. He felt that maybe Sam was also using an excuse to go fix things at the cottage to get away from the house for a moment, but he wanted to make sure he offered if she needed it.

“I’ll be fine, it’s just a few minor things. Light bulbs and what not,” she said, giving him a grateful smile. He knew that he was right about her wanting to go for the escape so he wasn’t going to intrude on that.

Besides, he had to get back to the project he was working on yesterday when Sam had called him away from it. He had to finish it up and then he could decide what to do with his night, and he repeated this much to Sam.

“So it shouldn’t take me long to get that done. Do you want me to bring dinner by for you and the girls, since you were nice enough to feed me last night?”

“As long as it’s not junk, I’m fine with that,” she said with a wink. “We’ve been eating a lot of pizza and take out lately and I don’t want to make it a habit.”

Joe nodded in appreciation of this sentiment and then smiled knowingly. “No worries. I’ll bring you ladies something that meets your desires.”

“Well, thank you,” Sam said with a bit of an attitude, picking up on the fact that he was messing with her.

There was such an ease to their conversation even if the night before had been a little hazy and ridiculous. Joe never doubted that he’d always have something to talk to Sam about. They were so alike in their philosophies and their take on life. It was something they shared. Tom would have been more akin to Sam’s mindset if he had been born in America as well, so it was nothing he could help. He tended not to want to participate in heated discussions about politics or government anyway, whereas Joe and Sam could agree and bitch with each other for hours over it.

There were other things that they shared in common, so many more things that she knew she didn’t share with Tom and he was glad for the special relationship they shared with one another. How could he even think for a second it was worth losing that?

“The girls don’t have anything going on tonight?” he asked as he stood up to take care of the dishes.

“You don’t have to do that,” she protested but he rolled his eyes and took her plate from her anyway. “Yeah, school’s almost out for the year so they don’t have as much going on after school. They do have more homework lately and Emma has final exams coming up pretty quickly so they’ll probably be buried in their rooms tonight doing that. I also keep promising Izzie that she can play the games on my laptop if she does her chores and homework and I keep forgetting to follow through. Maybe I’ll do that tonight.”

“That sounds perfect,” he said, rinsing and washing the plates. He turned back to her and crossed his arms as he propped himself against her counter. “I really appreciate you making me breakfast.”

“Not a problem,” she said and just for a quick, insane second, Joe was sure he saw something akin to excitement flash in her eyes but he tried not to think about it too hard.

The silence extended a little longer than either of them intended and Joe started to become achingly aware that something somewhere had changed. These pauses were usually amiable and relaxed but he couldn’t help but feel the tension that seemed to hang in the air between them. He didn’t know if it was somehow his doing, like he was letting his guard down around her while they were together to the point where his true affections were becoming obvious, but it was the only sane explanation. The other option was that Sam’s feelings toward him had changed and there was no way that was happening.

He wouldn’t even allow himself to delve into that possibility. He knew how close Tom and Sam were and he wasn’t going to breach that wall anytime soon. He couldn’t imagine that it had been done for him.

He cleared his throat loudly and broke whatever tension had settled into the air. He stood up from the sink and gave his friend a smile. “So I’m taking off and I’ll be back tonight. Eight o’clock sound all right?”

“That’s probably perfect,” she told him.

He took a deep breath and walked over to her, giving her a sweet, somewhat strained smile and then making the split second decision to go ahead and lean over to give her a hug. She may think that something was wrong if he didn’t and he really couldn’t have her thinking and worrying that anything was amiss. He knew how she could worry at times and he wasn’t going to contribute to her already full plate.

“I’ll see you soon,” he whispered to her and for a second he closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of her arms wrapped around him, like he did every time, and then he made sure to get out of there as quickly as possible. He wasn’t harboring intense feelings of arousal anymore so he could think a little clearer. He knew he had to get as far away from this place as possible. There was too much going on in his head and he just wanted to go deposit it somewhere.

Without a second thought he turned his car toward home. He parked quickly and instead of going through the front door as usual, he went down the long winding deck. This led to the backdoor which opened right up into the finished basement he had converted into a small recording studio. If he was going to have a day like this he needed to at least start it off with something that would make him feel productive and put him in a good mood.

He threw everything down by the door, excitedly running to the control booth and turning everything on. Once he had it all set just where he liked it he ducked into the recording booth and plugged in his instrument. He took a moment to tune his guitar to make sure it sounded right and once he was satisfied, he put the headphones on and sat down.

It took no time at all for the words and music to pour out of him. He had several original songs that he had written and then recorded over and over. Every single time he had a hard day, usually with Sam, he would run to this safe haven and just start singing all of those songs he’d written about her. There were so many accumulated over the years that he just continued to sing and it always felt great. He did not share these songs with anyone else for fear that his secret would be discovered. It was all spelled out in the songs he wrote for her.

The instant he hit the first chord he felt better and he continued in this fashion, going through his personal playbook and strumming out each and every song until he was finished. It took him longer than he expected but he hadn’t even realized that two full hours had passed when he took his headphones off and stood up stiffly from the stool. He set his guitar down after shutting it all off and headed to the control panel to do the same thing there. Once he was all shut down he grabbed his things and went upstairs to get to his office and get some real work done.

Joe knew that it was time to buckle down and get back to the work he was doing the night before. He tossed his things aside and settled into the office chair. He threw his phone on the table and then grabbed the pile of papers he had abandoned the night before. Putting this off much longer was not going to be a good idea. He pulled out his red pen to begin the edits on the script, determined to get it finished. It was already two days late. It didn’t matter. He knew Sam was worth it.

He started to pore over the tattered papers underneath him when he ran across something that had caused him to pause the night before. It was something he really didn’t want to fix or mention unless he asked Tom about it. He had tried calling him the night before, right after he’d talked to Sam, but there was no answer. Joe knew he had to at least try him again before he finished writing the edits out and sent them in. Regardless of who he got in touch with, he had to send them in tonight.

It was now or never and he wanted to get the call done and over with before his mind started wandering. He felt like it was really not cool for him to be talking to Tom on the phone while thinking about his wife in a less than friendly way. He punched in the number and put the phone up to his hear, not sure what to expect. Last night his number hadn’t even rung on his end so he was pleasantly surprised to hear not only a ring but a click and then a clear voice shouting an excited, “Hello!”

“Tom?” Joe said with a frown, confused as to why he elicited this kind of response from Tom. “Hey, buddy, it’s Joe.” Maybe he thought it was Sam or something on his phone.

“Yes, I know it’s you! I just can’t believe I have a signal! I wonder how long I’ll get this lucky,” he chattered, not stopping to breathe and sounding a little panicky.

“What are you talking about?” Joe asked, now thoroughly confused.

“Well, there was quite the nasty storm here last night, knocked out our power, I lost signal completely in my phone, I couldn’t get a single call in or out all night,” he was explaining, still talking a mile a minute. “I’ve been pretty desperate to get a hold of Samantha but I didn’t think after trying all night and all morning that I would actually get any luck today. I want to talk to her so badly, is she with you?”

Joe was surprised to hear the desperation in his friend’s voice, but he supposed he understood. “No, no, she’s not. How bad was the storm, man? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, physically, I just really need to talk to Samantha. She’s definitely not with you?”

“No, she’s at home, dude. What is going on with you?” He was growing concerned for his friend. Something was wrong.

Tom sighed heavily. “All right,” he uttered, his tone full of resignation. “Well then can I ask a small favor?”

“Anything, man,” Joe responded.

“Can you at least let Samantha know what’s going on, I’m here, I’m safe, and that I have no clue when I’ll be able to get a flight out of here? They’ve grounded all air traffic for an undetermined amount of time.”

“Yeah, not a problem,” Joe agreed. “But I have to say I don’t think you’ll be stuck there for more than another day. They usually don’t cancel flights for that long. They have to make money somehow, right?”

“I suppose,” Tom said, heaving a large sigh. “It’s not that I’m not happy to hear from you, Joe, it’s just –”

“Dude, you don’t have to explain, I understand,” Joe cut him off, a knowing smirk on his lips. He was happy that Tom missed Sam so much. This was a step in the right direction for them.

“No, no, you don’t understand,” Tom practically mumbled.

Joe frowned, realizing that maybe his assumption about things going in the right direction were a little premature as he asked, “What’s going on, Tom?”

With another sigh and a little groaning, Tom proceeded to start talking, telling Joe about the trip and about how little luck they were having. He explained how he was hoping to just get something done in the rain last night but was less than fruitful on this endeavor as well. Tom told Joe all about the conversation he had with Sam and how he felt that he may have seriously hurt her by cutting her off without an explanation.

Joe listened raptly and said nothing while Tom told his story. It didn’t take long for things to take a worrisome turn, and before Joe had the chance to ask any questions or say anything in response to what his friend was trying to tell him, he lost his signal again and every attempt to call him back fell flat.

Joe wasn’t sure if he should stay quiet about the whole thing out of solidarity for Tom or if he should tell Sam the truth out of loyalty to her. He wished he hadn’t been put in the middle of it by Tom, but what could he really expect his friend to do? To be honest, Joe hadn’t heard a good portion of what Tom was trying to say so he may have misinterpreted the message entirely. There was every possibility that he was assuming the worst and he may not even have to say anything at all for that reason alone!

The instant he had the thought he knew it was pointless to wish for anything that easy. All he knew for sure was that the rest of his night was about to get a lot more interesting.

 

“Hello in there! Is anyone home?”

Joe had come to Sam’s a few hours later after calling and ensuring that Sam was no longer too busy to take company. She was excited to hear from him, telling him she was all done with her work for the day and she would love to have him over. He was glad that he had at least gotten a little bit more done on his script. He’d emailed Jan to apologize and promise that everything would be submitted tomorrow morning at the latest.

After stopping for food and other refreshments, Joe made the short drive back over to Sam’s and gave himself one more moment to try and talk himself out of the insane thoughts he had been giving into all day.

For some reason he couldn’t get that look he saw in Sam’s eyes out of his head. The harder he tried to get rid of it the more he thought about it, conversely. He knew it was pointless to bother with it and he let the thoughts set up shop in his brain and he couldn’t get rid of them.

The worst thing about all of this was that while he continued to think about the way Sam was looking at him and what it could meant, he completely forgot about the few words he thought he could hear Tom hear before his phone cut out. If he wasn’t mistaken, and his friend was trying to tell him what he thought he was trying to tell him, Joe was about to find himself in the middle of a moral quandary. The fact that he kept forgetting about it was probably a heavy indication of where his moral compass pointed north.

He felt horrible for Tom because Joe knew that his friend wasn’t one of the most communicative people he’d ever met. Sam had complained about it on occasion, so he knew that there was every possibility that Tom was seeing this whole relationship break down a lot differently with the inability to express it. There was another part of him that didn’t feel as bad because it wasn’t as though Tom was physically unable to speak to his wife. It was mostly pride and fear that was keeping him from really expressing himself, so it was something he could have done a lot sooner, the moment he saw that there was any kind of distress in his marriage.

It wasn’t his place to judge, though. Sam was not his wife. He was not Tom. He couldn’t possibly know what the woman was like as a spouse but he couldn’t imagine that there was anything so terrible about her that it kept Tom from actually openly communicating with her.

Joe was able to finally talk himself out of the thoughts when he pulled up to Sam’s and headed inside. He saw that the screen door was closed with the door wide open, presumably to let a breeze in, but he saw no one standing around the kitchen at all. He called out the first time, heard no one, and decided to just let himself in.

He stacked everything on the counter and headed through the kitchen into the living room. “Sam? Emma? Izzie? Ladies? Anyone here?”

A faint voice in the direction of the girl’s rooms upstairs sounded, calling his name. He whipped right around and followed the voice up to Emma’s room where the door was wide open and Izzie, Sam, and Emma were all standing in a circle staring at what appeared to be a large piece of canvas with only a few splotches of color on the bright white.

“I mean, if I have to just strictly say do I like it or do I not like it, then I’d definitely say I like it, that’s not what I’m saying,” Sam started explaining after a beat of silence. “But there’s so much to it, you know what I mean?”

“Explain what you mean,” Emma asked. Joe understood what was going on. Emma had been trying to decide what she wanted to submit into her school’s art competition and she was now optioning it for her family.

“It’s kind of stark, like, you’re so aware as soon as you look at it that there’s this huge white space between the color,” Sam said. Joe hung back against the doorframe and listened to the explanation. He wasn’t much of an art critic himself, he really felt that if anyone had the talent to put together something creative of their own, they deserved praise and that was it. He wasn’t one to be too subjective about things like that, but Sam was good at analyzing art. It made going to the museum with her interesting and at times, tedious, because she sometimes stood in front of pieces for upwards of twenty minutes, just taking them in. Emma took after Sam in this respect, being quite artistic all on her own, and he had made the mistake of taking both ladies to the museum. It had taken them four hours to get through one floor.

“I get what you mean,” Emma said.

“Yeah, like, the color is its own entity, like it wants to be there, but the artist just doesn’t want to give it its full potential, which kind of makes the white depressing,” Sam explained.

“I disagree,” Joe said, stepping in and eliciting a reaction from all three women. It seemed that they hadn’t actually known he was there until right now.

“Oh?” Sam said, a bright light shining in her eyes for a second when she saw him and then she smiled warmly. Joe’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you disagree with?”

“I see it more as a liberation,” he offered, walking a little closer, sticking one hand in his pocket as he gestured with the other at the painting. “The color has escaped and is free against the white landscape, like the artist wanted the color to be put to its full purpose against the boring vastness of the canvas. I mean, what is a color if we can’t see the hue?”

“That’s an interesting observation,” Sam said and Emma nodded in approval. It was quiet for a second before Sam said, “What do you think, Iz?”

The youngest girl sighed heavily and said, “I think it’s missing some yellow.”

Emma scoffed but Sam and Joe enjoyed a good chuckle at the girl’s response. Izzie wasn’t much for art and creativity, but she definitely had a way with words. They finished up in Emma’s room, giving her a few more critiques and suggestions before they all made their way downstairs to the kitchen. Joe had brought things to make for dinner so they spent time altogether, talking about school and different projects, caught up with one another and really enjoyed themselves. As they all sat down and started eating, Joe recalled his conversation with Tom and he decided to shove away all the nasty parts that were unnecessary to share before he told the girls what was going on.

“A storm? Like what kind of a storm?” Emma was demanding. He could see the fear in her dark eyes, even though he knew that she and Tom were currently having some issues of their own. It didn’t matter when it came right down to what was important. “Like a hurricane or just a nasty thunderstorm like we get here?”

“Yeah those storms shut off our power but it’s not for very long,” Izzie chimed in, also appearing slightly put off by this development.

“Yes, that’s true,” Joe said, just then noticing that Sam had gone very still while her daughters were rather animated about the news. She wasn’t saying much, she was just staring straight ahead as though she were trying to make sense out of what he was saying. He wished he had the ability to read her mind right then. He wanted to do or say something, anything, to just pull her out of her daze and get her to open up. At times, he was put off when she would just start crying out of nowhere and he also loved to enjoy her bright, sparkling moods, but this was different. He had no idea how to react when she wouldn’t.

“But Dad’s okay, right, Uncle Joe?” Emma asked. She and Izzie were still talking and Joe finally came back to himself when she said his name.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, he’s fine,” he said, shaking his head and getting back to his food. “Yeah, he just wanted you all to know what’s going on so that you’re not worried.”

“Good,” Izzie breathed a sigh of relief and silence descended over the table once again as everyone got back to eating. Everyone except Sam who was still staring straight ahead and not uttering a word. Just as Joe was about to say something to draw her out of it, those ever tumultuous coffee brown eyes flicked over to his and he stopped what he was doing, completely frozen in her gaze.

“Why didn’t I talk to him?” she whispered. The question was directed at Joe but it didn’t sound like Sam really expected an answer from anyone and it broke his heart. He had to say something.

“Because I called him,” he answered her and the look on her face was so torturous and heartbreaking that he set his utensils down and reached over to take her hand. Her gaze flitted from his to their clasped hands and he saw, just for a second, the icy barrier she was putting up chip a little. Her expression broke a little, warmer than before, and he was just happy to be here for her. “He wanted to be able to call you, but uh…” he continued to assure her when he remembered just how the conversation ended. His blood ran cold. He didn’t know if he should tell her what was going on right now. She was already so upset about not being the one that talked to Tom how could he even go into that second half of the message?

He didn’t even know what was trying to be said, for that matter, so why should he worry his friend without the full explanation?

“Are you finished eating?” he asked suddenly. She was clearly not done but he highly doubted she’d want to get back to it when she was so distracted.

As expected, she acted as though she completely forgot her food and shook her head to indicate an affirmative answer. The girls were watching her closely, concerned for their mother. Both of them had finished the small portions that were on their plate and were appearing anxious to leave the table as well.

“Can I be excused, Mom?”

“Can I be excused, too?”

Sam peered over at their plates and asked if they had gotten enough to eat. They indicated that they had and Emma dashed off the second Sam said they could leave. Izzie stayed for a second to ask if she could play on the computer. Sam seemed to remember herself completely after this request because she took Izzie to the other room, grabbed the laptop, and got her set up in her room. Once that was all finished, she came back downstairs to Joe and they wordlessly cleared the table.

“Are you all right, Sam?” he whispered to her as they rinsed the dishes and stacked them in the empty dishwasher.

She shrugged. “I’m okay, I’ve got you, I’ve got my girls,” she handed him another plate and he put it away for her. “I mean, I know he couldn’t help not being able to get in touch with me so I shouldn’t be upset about it, but the last time I heard from him we got cut off and…”

“And what?” Joe asked, frowning. He couldn’t imagine that Tom had said or done anything that indicated he didn’t want to talk to her. This morning he had sounded fairly anxious to get his message out to her.

“And it just seemed kind of forced, you know?”

“No, no I don’t, what do you mean?”

She sighed and stopped fussing with the leftover silverware. “It didn’t take him long to go from sweet guy Tom Hiddleston to complacent, frustrated husband Tom Hiddleston. He didn’t even sound genuinely happy to be hearing from me, like it was forced.”

Joe rolled his eyes. “You know Tom loves the shit out of you.”

He could see that Sam wanted to readily agree with him, but as she nodded tears filled her eyes. “I don’t know anymore, Joe,” she whispered to him, and it hurt so bad to see her like this that instead of saying another word, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. She wound her arms around his waist and buried her head in his chest. He held her and whispered comforting words, placing his cheek against her hair and breathing her in. As much as she needed him to help her cry over another man he couldn’t stop the excitement from building up inside of him again, aware that her body was pressed so close to his.

He didn’t want to end their embrace but he needed to. “Hey,” he whispered, moving his arms and backing up a little so that he could rub her shoulders and look into her face without having her squished right up against his chest. It was proving to be a little distracting. “Why don’t we leave the rest of the dishes for later? Let’s go relax for a bit, all right?”

Sam closed her eyes a took a deep, steadying breath, wiped her eyes, and then finally opened them back up and gazed right up into Joe’s face. What he saw there gave him pause, yet again, because the look he had been obsessing over and turning around in his brain was not something he’d imagined. He saw it right here, in the swimming espresso hued eyes of the woman he loved so desperately that he just couldn’t seem to walk away from her. He saw the excitement, the flicker of something brand new and freshly woken in there, something that was directed at him and no one else. It was more than he could have ever hoped for but it was also terrifying because he knew that her heart was truly with Tom, no matter how many doubts she had.  
But then again, if he only had this moment with her, just to be able to open up a little more and express his true love and devotion for her, he would take it. At the end of the day, she would never be his but he could pretend for a second that she could choose him.

“Relax, that sounds good,” she agreed.

Sam flashed him one of her brightest, most beautiful smiles and took his hand, guiding him out of the kitchen and downstairs to the finished basement. Sam and Tom had set it up down here to be a rec room, where they had a large screen television and a wireless surround sound system set up for their movie viewing. There was a big cozy couch that Tom had fallen in love with when they were furnishing the place, but had been banished to the basement because Sam didn’t like the way it went with her design for the upstairs. There were plenty of other amenities to this space, but mostly, it was a space for unwinding.

Joe settled into the couch, kicking off his shoes and stretching out. Sam was doing something at the entertainment center in front of him. A couple seconds later it was obvious what she was doing and he recognized the first chords of a song that he had sung to her so many years ago. It made him feel the same way it did that first time and he felt like maybe she’d done it on purpose but knew for sure when she spun around with a large grin on her face.

“Do you remember this?”

“Yes, of course I do,” he replied. “I played this for you at that open mike, what six years ago?”

“Six years,” Sam repeated with an anguished sigh. “I’m old.”

“You’re not old, you’re beautiful,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You know it. You don’t even look your age.”

“Oh? And what age do I look?” she narrowed her eyes at him but a smirk was still settled in the corner of her mouth. He knew he could answer this honestly and not get into trouble, but he chose to mess with her anyway.

“You’re not going to trap me that easily,” he said with a grin. “You want me to say something like twenty-five, but I’m not going to insult your intelligence.”

“I don’t want you to say anything but the truth,” Sam purred, jokingly of course.

“Alright, fine, you don’t look a day over thirty-two.”

A satisfied smile stretched across her face. “See? That wasn’t so bad. And I was pretty hot at thirty-two,” she joked, sliding onto the couch at the other end, where Joe’s feet were. She arranged herself so that his feet were on her lap and they sat this way for a while in silence. Joe desperately wanted to tell her that she was hot now, but he wasn’t going to say that. He could call her beautiful, tell her she was pretty, and make the occasional offhand comment about her appearance, but he wasn’t going to sexualize it. It would make her uncomfortable.

Instead, they let the song play without speaking and the memories washed over Joe. He remembered his reasons for choosing this song and six years later he stood by the decision. She hadn’t understood its reference then. He blinked happily, feeling relaxed, and then his eyes swept from the ceiling back to Sam’s and saw that she wasn’t looking in his direction. A confused expression was on her face as she listened to the lyrics, and Joe felt the beginning of fear in his mind.

Their eyes met and Joe gulped, because it was the moment he knew he was finally being discovered.


	8. Chapter 8 - Sammy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wanted to make sure I warned everyone before they read this chapter. There is some light drug content. Please do not let your personal opinions affect your opinion of the story :-)
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy!

Sammy: Then

 

“You were so right, that was a lot of fun!” I exclaim excitedly as we get out of the car at my home later that night. Joe convinced me to come out with him to see a live band perform and I was somewhat hesitant at first until my wonderful husband convinced me that going out was in the best interests of not only me, but for him and the girls as well. My being stressed out was not helping anyone.

So I agreed to go and watch this band with Joe and I admit, I did have a good time. It was going well until Joe took the stage and sang one of my absolutely favorite songs and then dedicated it to me. The moment he started the song, I knew exactly how lucky I was to have a friend that could make me feel so amazing. He always knew what to say and what to do to make me feel better almost instantly.

“I told you!” Joe says as he bounds over to me with a huge grin on his face. “I’m so glad you had a good time,” he slings an arm around my shoulders as we walk up to the house. I am always so comfortable here, no matter what. It’s kind of nice.

Sometimes I think about what my life would have been like if I had met Joe before I met Tom. I know that it’s silly to wonder about things like this, because I certainly do not regret any decision I’ve made in the past. Every single mistake and step I made before meeting Tom taught me how to love and then Tom became the earth, moon, and stars for me. Even though I lost him for a long time and made him a father without his being aware, it all led up to the inevitable point where we together and happy. I was able to find myself and learn who I really was before he came back. It made me a better person and mother to be on my own for so long, learning how to do it all alone. Now I have the ability to instill that value into my girls, because they have to learn to be by themselves before they can be with someone else. I have learned that the hard way.

There are times, though, when I get talking to Joe that I realize how alike we really are in so many aspects. We are able to talk openly about current events without offending one another because we think so much alike. Even on the subjects that we don’t completely agree on we can still have healthy discourse and it’s nice. Tom and I talk easily and openly about plenty of different things, don’t get me wrong, but at the bottom of it all, Tom was not raised in America. This makes it so he doesn’t have much to contribute when it comes to our frank discussions about government and the Federal Reserve and all that other boring geopolitical nonsense.

Molly is my best friend in the world but since she has branched her business out she has become even busier. I snag her on the phone when I can and whenever she has a moment for me we take advantage of it quickly. She enjoys coming and seeing the girls and she likes hanging out with Tom. They get along quite well, despite all the initial drama between us. Next to Molly, Joe is the closest person to me and over the last couple of years he has probably become one of my best friends.

He also happens to be gorgeous. I may be married but I’m not dead. It doesn’t help that I grew up watching everything this man has acted in because of my dumb celebrity crush. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would meet Tommy from ‘3rd Rock,’ much less get to a point in our relationship when I would consider him my best friend. That kind of thing only happened to fictional people. 

Unfortunately, this preference for Mr. Gordon-Levitt in my adolescence tens to rear its ugly head occasionally in my adulthood. Out of nowhere, I’ll see Joe not as my goofy and charming best friend, but as that delectable pin-up from years ago, his baby face pouting in a way that would make any young girl swoon. That leads my thoughts to the inevitable point where I wonder what it would have been like if I met Joe first. Would we be mere acquaintances? Would we be best friends? Would we be a couple? Married? Divorced? It’s impossible to know.

I can see myself appreciating Joe as a life companion. I know I’m certainly physically attracted to him but I don’t know if I could ever see myself as his wife. Not just because Joe is so dead set against marriage, but because I am so completely right for Tom that I can’t imagine anyone else could be any more so.

As Joe and I walk in silence to the door I let my thoughts course through my mind and I eventually end up remembering how stunningly lucky I was to find Tom that night in San Diego. I was so broken and Tom somehow managed to glue me back together in one week.

“What are you so happy about?” Joe’s voice breaks me from my reverie.

I laugh a bit because I didn’t realize I am smiling at my thought. “Nothing in particular, just life I guess. I was just thinking about the night I met Tom and how lucky I am to have both of you in my life.” I lean my head against his shoulder. I take his hand and lead him to the front steps so we can sit and talk for a little while. It’s a nice, breezy night and I’m not quite ready to call it quits yet. It’s after two so going in the house and talking to Joe is going to wake everyone up.

After we settle in comfortably, we stare up into the vast midnight blue sky and watch as the stars twinkle brilliantly. This is one of the many things I love about living out in the country where there is not as much civilization. The night sky lights up like it should. It seems so small and insignificant a reason to choose somewhere to live, but at the same time, it’s everything. “You know I don’t think I ever heard about the night you guys met,” Joe whispers after a couple of minutes of us sitting here in silence.

My eyebrows shoot up when Joe tells me this. It’s been a few years, surely he’s heard the story. “Are you serious?”

He nods with a smirk. “I know that you guys spent a week together in San Diego and that it took you five years to get back together, but I don’t really think anyone ever told me the story of how you met.”

I have to smile at this because I feel like I can’t tell this story enough. I sit up excitedly ready to tell the story and I must look like a giddy fool because Joe is giggling uncontrollably. I swat his arm and tell him to shut up, but it just makes it worse. “It happened in a bar in San Diego. It was mid-July and I was staying at a really nice hotel. It wasn’t long after my divorce and I wanted to treat myself and I ended up in the hotel bar that night. So did Tom. He kind of came to my rescue. Some drunk idiot was getting a little hands-y.”

Joe laughs yet again. “That is one hell of a story.” It is my turn to laugh and Joe joins me for a moment before he stops, frowning as he seems to be conjuring something up from the past.

“What is it?”

“Mid-July, San Diego, 2012?” he asks as he narrows his eyes at me. I nod. “Did you go for Comic-Con?” I nod again, unsure of where he is going with this. “What hotel was it?”

“You know I don’t remember which one it was,” I confess. “I know it wasn’t the one right next to the convention center, it was a little ways down the road, but it was much nicer.”

“I know exactly which one you’re talking about, because I was staying in that hotel, too,” he tells me, a grin creeping up his face.  
My jaw drops. “You were there?”

“Oh come on, Sam, don’t break my heart,” he says, pleading with me in his joking tone. “You say you’re a Dark Knight fan and then you don’t even remember the DKR panel that was there that year.”

My eyes widen. “I didn’t get into that one! I had no idea. That’s crazy!”

“What night did you and Tom actually meet?”

“The last night of Comic-Con,” I answer, because of course I remember that.

“Wow,” he breathes and I see that he is distant again, filing through his cataloged memories. “If I’m not mistaken, that was the night I was at the bar next door promoting some artists for Hit Record.”

“No shit?” I say, incredulous. “If memory serves me right, I actually did consider going next door to the bar but eventually decided to go to the hotel bar instead.”

“Are you serious?” Joe is now dumbfounded at this realization.

“Yeah, I decided not to go because the dress and shoes I chose weren’t exactly for walking in,” I tell him. “If I’m not mistaken that bar was a good block away.”

“It was,” he says. “God, think of what could have happened if you had decided it was worth the walk that night.”

Silence falls between us then. I presume Joe’s thinking about what would have happened but I am stunned and can’t wrap my head around the fact that I was just having this thought before. I am even more stunned to find out that one different decision could have completely altered my current path. There’s no way to know for sure what would have happened, if Joe and I would have actually found each other that night, but it’s interesting to know just how close it was to happening at all.

   
Sammy: Now

 

For Sammy, the love of her best friend was oftentimes enough to get her through the worst of her worries and fears. Ordinarily, she had Molly to lean on and she had grown accustomed to not having parents or any other family to turn to. Having a best friend for support was second nature to her. During the years when she didn’t have Tom there to help her in the early years of Emma’s life she had to make do with being mostly self-sufficient. Sammy took friendship very seriously because sometimes it was all she had.

She knew implicitly that Joe would never leave her side if she really needed him and that gave her great comfort. Or at least, it used to.

Inexplicably and without being able to control it, Sammy was beginning to see Joe as more than just the good buddy she always had to lean on. Out of nowhere she had all of these crazy, irrational thoughts about him, desires that she had never even considered before bursting out of nowhere. She didn’t know if it was because she and Tom hadn’t been intimate in nearly a month and she was used to a much more frequent hormonal release or if it was because Joe had changed somehow… Or maybe it wasn’t Joe, maybe it was her. Maybe she was changing and growing, as people do. The last year had been rough, growing further and further apart from her husband and having to protect herself from the one person she should have been comfortable going to in the first place. It had forced her to accept the possibility that the man she once knew was gone. This was a very frightening idea.

And now it seemed the more she hung out with him, the more she was starting to see Joe as more of a man with true romantic tendencies and an awful lot of sex appeal. She was trying desperately to stamp out those feelings before they could take root in her brain and more than likely, the easiest way to do that was to stop hanging out with him so much.

But then, how could she ever do that? There was no way she was strong enough to just let him go without a second thought. The last time she had been strong enough to walk away from a man she cared about it had cost her five years and left her with a lonely, empty heart. She didn’t want to do that again. Who said she had to anyway?

These feelings were nothing. She was being really dumb. She just missed the closeness of a male, emotionally as well as physically, and this was nothing more than chemical reaction and an overtired, stressed brain. That’s all it was.

Sammy felt herself relax a little more when she started repeating this to herself over and over as she and Joe sat end to end on the couch. She had his feet in her lap and she was squeezing them every so often to get a reaction. He was slightly ticklish and she loved to pick at him.

The music flowed over them as easily as the conversation did. She asked Joe about the project and how it was going on his end. A knot formed in her stomach as she recalled the fact that she wasn’t the last one to have spoken with her husband. She just wanted to hear his voice, just to make sure he was okay. It seemed irrational and ridiculous to be upset with him over something he couldn’t control, but if they had actually had a chance to sit down and discuss their issues up to that point it wouldn’t feel as desperate and lonely to not talk to him.

It didn’t matter. She had Joe. She had to remind herself that he was here and he always would be… while also making sure that she didn’t let her thoughts wander as well.

“What is running through that dizzy brain of yours?” Joe piped up from his end of the couch. He was peering down his nose at her, smirking. She noticed offhandedly that he had stopped shaving again.

She rolled her eyes in response. “Thinking about how stupid that fuzz on your face looks.”

“Hey!” he said, jumping up quickly and pointing an accusing finger at her. “You lay off the fuzz,” he grumbled at her as he rubbed his cheeks. “I like it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she retorted. She swung her legs down and sat up against the back of the couch. Joe sat up, propping himself against the other end and they said nothing for a few minutes. The room was teeming with unspoken words and ravenous thoughts. Before it got too tense, Sammy plastered a big false smile on her face and turned to Joe. “So what are we doing tonight? As pretty as your feet are I don’t want to sit and stare at them all night.”

“Oh you’re such a liar,” he said, nudging her with aforementioned foot. “You like my feet.”

“I like your socks,” she corrected. “I mean, tonight they’re kind of banal but normally you’re pretty flamboyant.”

“Flamboyant?” he screeched, pretending to be offended. “Since when am I flamboyant?”

“Since always,” she said, reaching out with her index finger to tickle a particularly sensitive spot on his foot. He jerked a bit and narrowed his eyes at her, still smirking. “Come on, pretty boy tell me what we’re doing tonight!”

“Okay, okay,” he said, pulling his feet back and pushing himself up from the end of the couch. He almost appeared on alert. “I do have a plan for the night.”

“I knew it!”

“Yeah, but I need you to do something for me first,” he told her, looking around suspiciously. He rubbed his hands together.

“What is it?” Sammy frowned deeply, concerned about what Joe had planned. He usually only looked like this when he was about to grab her hand and force her to go do something she didn’t necessarily want to do, like when he took her to that bar so many years ago. “You look like you’ve got something up your sleeve.”

“I may,” he said, flashing an incredibly mischievous grin. Sammy felt her heart skip a beat when he did this and she quickly reined herself in. She had seen that smile probably a thousand times in all the years they’d been friends and out of nowhere something changed. Suddenly she noticed dimples in his cheeks every time there was even the shadow of a smile on his face. She could see how his smile reached his eyes and how they constantly exuded the true jubilation he got out of life.

The longer she stared at him, the more she felt like an idiot teenager. She shook her head and sighed heavily, trying her hardest to mask her obvious swooning. She touched her wedding ring to bring her back to reality. She was married. Tom was her everything. She knew what it was like to be without him. Even if things were getting bad between them it didn’t mean that she should be thinking about anyone else like that, least of all Joe. He was Tom’s best friend and business partner. She couldn’t make this any more complicated than it had to be.

“So what do you need me to do?” she asked, coughing a little to clear her throat.

“Do you think you can go check on the girls?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her. “I need you to make sure that they are perfectly comfortable and… occupied.” Sammy noticed the lilt he put on the last word. She knew something was up. She had a feeling she’d find out when she got back.

“I can… do that,” she told him. She raised her eyebrow back at him and let her gaze pore through him as though somewhere, written on his bones, she would find out why he was being so cryptic. “I’ll be right back.”

Sammy stood up and walked past Joe. As she passed him, she quickly ran a hand through his hair, sufficiently messing it up, and dodging him as he tried, in vain, to slap her away. She ran back upstairs amidst the shared laughter and then headed back through the kitchen to the living room and then up to the girls’ rooms. She checked in on Izzie first because she assumed she would probably be engrossed in the computer. She stuck her head in and saw Izzie lying on her stomach on the bed, headphones on as she stared, wide eyed into the computer. Sammy gave a little wave and Izzie looked up for a second, moving her headphones off of her ears and peering up at her.

“Are you good up here, hon? Do you need anything?”

“Um… no?” Izzie answered, looking as confused as she sounded.

“Just checking,” Sammy said, ducking into the room to run over and give Izzie a kiss on the head. “It’s what I do. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

Sammy stroked her hair for a moment before she let her daughter have her privacy and headed down to bug her eldest. Emma was also lying on her bed, engrossed in what sounded like a conversation with a boy by the way she was giggling and the high pitch in her voice. Sammy paused before butting her head in and debated on texting Joe to come up and listen. It was just so funny. She remembered sounding like that at one point in her life and it was funny to hear that her daughter was going through it. She decided it was better to leave her be. She’d probably be distracted for a little while and she certainly wasn’t going to seek Sammy out anytime soon, so she crept away from the door and headed back downstairs to the basement where she had left Joe.

When she got down there he was nowhere to be found and she paused for a second, her eyes sweeping the entire landscape before she spotted him outside the sliding glass door. The door was cracked open and the porch light was off. She had no idea what he was doing.

Her eyes were adjusting better to the dim basement and she could see Joe’s full outline on the porch. Her feet were planted where she stood at the bottom of the stairs. She knew if he turned around he would see her there standing there like a goon, staring at him, but she couldn’t make herself move. It was as if the moment she spotted him standing out there everything else kind of shifted and faded away from her entirely.

It seemed kind of insane but made sense at the same time. He wasn’t standing in front of her, he wasn’t there, cracking jokes and being silly old Joe, the man that had come to mean so much to her as a friend. It was just the form of him, the back of a man who was tall, well built, and handsome. Her breath caught in her throat as she took him in as a man. He was impressive.  
Sammy blinked furiously, trying to rid her brain of the nasty thoughts and feelings that were dangerously close to finding solid ground to land on. She wasn’t going to let it happen, because the moment it happened she knew she was done for. She was already tiptoeing that line so finely, the one that she couldn’t cross no matter what, because as soon as she did, Joe was no longer Joe. And she couldn’t afford for Joe not to be Joe. Tom was supposed to be Tom in that way. Joe was supposed to be silly old Joe until the end of time. Nothing more and nothing less.

Letting that thought land would make it so that she had to make a choice about Joe and in no way could she ever be strong enough to make that happen.

One more deep breath and Sammy was finally able to make her feet move forward. Just as she was approaching the back door Joe turned around and noticed her. She wasn’t quite clear as to why he had stepped outside at all. She supposed she was about to find out.

Sammy pushed the door open and joined Joe on the back porch. It was a small little deck with a patio set. The backyard was modest but it faced the south so it always got the best light. Sammy also loved the fact that she could come out here and easily see the night sky when the stars were twinkling brightly up above. Something about the serene, endless black of the sparkling heavens above made her feel so at peace.

“It’s such a clear night,” she whispered as she stared into the abyss. “Perfect night for writing.” Joe didn’t speak. He simply nodded in agreement and stared up into the sky along with her. The stillness of the night swept over them and Sammy was able to empty her brain of worries, stress, and fear for just that moment and truly enjoy where she was. After a beat, though, she came back to herself and turned her attention to Joe, who was still standing silently, staring up at the stars. She tried not to notice his jawline before she cleared her throat, remembering that there was something Joe wanted to do. “So, what was it I needed to check on my children for?”

Joe’s gaze finally came back to her and as she asked her question, he seemed to remember exactly what he was doing. “Oh!” he grinned again the instant he remembered and then nodded his head in the direction of the table so they could go and sit. She followed suit, curious to see what he had planned. Obviously it wasn’t some big elaborate musical number like it had been before but she racked her brain and couldn’t think of a single thing it could be.

“Okay, I need you to keep an open mind,” he said the moment her butt hit the chair. Her eyebrows shot up in response. “And I recall several years ago that you promised me that once the girls were old enough and you knew they would be okay for a couple of hours without you being right on top of them, that you would –”

Sammy’s jaw dropped the moment she understood what Joe was talking about. “You didn’t! You know I can’t… Joe, this is… You brought it here?”

Joe laughed wholeheartedly. “I knew you were going to have that reaction, I just knew it!” he told her, and while he enjoyed himself he opened up his thin gray jacket and pulled the offending item out of his pocket and showed it to her. Sammy’s eyes widened even bigger, if that was possible, and she put a hand over her mouth to hide the audible gasp.

“I really can’t believe you brought it to my home,” she hissed at him. Sammy wanted to be angry with him, she did, but the fact that he was grinning so evilly at her while also easing her into it was just too damn cute. “Do you really expect me to smoke that with you when my kids are upstairs?”

“You just went and checked on them,” he said, reaching into his pocket, presumably for a liter. “Obviously they’re fine, you and I are fine, and it’s not like you can’t parent when you’re…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“I mean, we have a hell of a lot more judgment and control than when we’re killing two bottles of wine, but that didn’t stop us last night,” he was explaining to her.

“But, Joe –”

“Okay, listen,” he said, stopping her midsentence and placing a hand on her arm. “First of all, I’m not here to pressure you. If you really don’t want to do it, I’m not going to force you.” Joe let his hand drift down to hers, where he clutched it and gave it a little squeeze before he continued. “Second of all, you’ve got a lot of shit on your plate right now. So I thought that maybe tonight was not only the perfect night for you to keep a promise you made to your bestest friend,” he gave her a playful wink, “but also to just take a couple of hours for yourself. You can kick back, relax, and be accountable to no one but you right now.”

Sammy had to admit that the ideal had some serious appeal. It had been a long, long time since she had done this, like first marriage long time ago, so she wasn’t sure how she was going to react to it. She knew her tolerance was hilariously low because of this and she knew that Joe liked to partake from time to time and would be there if she started to get overly paranoid or anything like that.

“What if the girls need me?” she asked then, because she was really searching for a viable excuse.

He rolled his eyes and pulled his hand back, grabbing the liter and putting it up to his mouth. Sammy’s eyes were drawn there instantly and her face flushed. She was glad that it was so dark out here because she knew, with their proximity, that Joe would have noticed it. “Just shut up and smoke with me.”

There was no getting around it now. Joe had already started it before Sammy could think of another thing to say to protest it and decided to give in and just enjoy it. Besides, it was legal here and her daughters were occupied and probably would be for the night…

So when Joe passed it over to her, giving her an incredibly satisfied, devilishly sexy smirk, she took it from his fingers, put it up to her lips, and inhaled. Joe laughed when she coughed, because she did it each time. He leaned over and patted her on the back once, chuckling at her and telling her to take smaller hits since she hadn’t done it in so long. Because of this, Sammy was able to call it quits fairly quickly as she sat back and enjoyed the night.

It crept over her slowly but surely. The longer she kept her head back against the chair, the more beautiful and wonderful the stars started to look up above her. It was the one thing she appreciated about doing this. Everything suddenly became twice as amazing. She felt so at peace that she thought maybe she could fall asleep out here.

And then Joe shuffled his feet and sat back against the chair with a sigh and she came back around. She lifted her head up and gave Joe a content smile. “How you feeling?” he asked her before she had a chance to speak. He had an incredibly cheesy yet adorable grin on his face as he watched her relax right into the high.

She nodded. “I’m good, I’m really good,” she said, unable to suppress the smile that was spreading across her face. She had to try and keep her gaze away from Joe because she knew if she looked at him she’d start laughing. Sammy was feeling so good and so comfortable that she a little giddy about it. It had been so long since she’d felt this at ease with anyone, especially when she had nothing on her mind to distract her from her peace. She and Tom didn’t find this kind of peace very often anymore.

It saddened her suddenly and she didn’t seem to have any kind of control over her emotions. Joe popped up from his seat, wearing a very concerned expression. He leaned over and put his hand on her knee. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she said, shaking her head. “Yeah, I’m fine…” Joe calmed a little bit but was still noticeably apprehensive. “I was thinking about how nice it is here with you… I don’t have anything to worry about… I haven’t had that in a while and I guess…” Sammy blinked a couple of times and told her slow moving brain that she wasn’t going to get emotional tonight. “I guess it just kind of took me by surprise.”

She glanced up at Joe then and saw that he was now smiling sadly at her, the look in his eyes akin to what appeared to be longing. She frowned a bit at it but it was a passing thought, forgotten all too quickly. Joe didn’t say anything in response to what she confessed. Sammy peered down and saw that he was still touching her knee. She didn’t even think before she moved her hand down and gripped his fingers. He tightened instinctively and something warm swept through her entire body at the contact. It felt so good to be taken care of, especially when her soul mate just didn’t seem to want to do it.

“I’m sorry, we’re supposed to be having fun, aren’t we?” she said, laughing then as she leaned back. She still kept a tight grip on Joe’s hand. He had to scoot a little closer, but she was fine with that. Now they were so close their knees were practically touching.

“We are, indeed,” he said, the dimples in his cheek marvelously endearing as he tried to lighten the mood. “I did this,” he began, reaching over and taking her other hand. Sammy didn’t even bother trying to hide her delight at this, “so that you could have a night where it’s all about you relaxing and letting everything go. So just do me a huge favor and let everything go. I mean everything,” he insisted, squeezing her hands. He grinned and the laughter started in his chest. “I kind of want to let you decide what we’re doing, but at the same time I really want to play a song for you.”

“Oh! That sounds like fun!” Sammy said, genuinely excited. She clapped a little. “You know where Tom’s guitar is?”

“I do,” Joe said, setting her hands down and slowly making his way into the house. Sammy began to laugh almost uncontrollably as she watched him creep up to the door, apparently convinced that he had to stay absolutely silent. It took him almost a full minute to push open the sliding glass door, and even then he only opened it up enough so that he could slide in sideways. Sammy’s eyes were watering she was laughing so hard at this. Joe seemed to be having quite an adventure trying to surreptitiously creep into the house. They both knew it was doubtful that any kind of noise they made down here, no matter how loud or ridiculous, would prompt her girls to come down. They were in their own worlds, but it was funny to watch him nonetheless.

After he managed to slip into the house he disappeared momentarily. Sammy sat back and looked up at the night sky again, in love with the way it appeared to her right now. In almost no time at all, Joe was back out on the porch, adjusting his chair as he pulled Tom’s guitar out of his case.

“So what are you going to play me?” she asked excitedly, now sitting on the edge of her seat.

Joe started plucking and tuning the guitar a little bit, concentrating really hard. She doubted he heard her question at all, he seemed to be so focused. Once he was satisfied, he nodded and smiled, playing around with a couple of chords before finally looking up and meeting her eyes. “What?”

Sammy threw her head back once again and laughed because it was amazing how well she could still read Joe even under the influence. “I asked what you’re playing me.”

“Well, I’ll take requests, but I have one that I just need to play. It’s itching to jump off of my fingers for you,” he said, and with that began plucking the beginning chords out to a song that Sammy didn’t quite recognize until he began to sing to her.

She wanted so badly to watch him as he played this song for her but she wanted to experience and enjoy the song as well. So she leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes and smiling as she let the ribbons of beautiful music encompass her fully. She was awash in the simple guitar melody but the lyrics meant everything. Every single word sung was magical to her and she never ever wanted it to end.

Sammy’s mind was expanded as she sat here, listening to Joe play for her. She felt that little nagging doubt flying around in her brain and she knew because she was so aware and open right now that it was dangerously close to landing. As each word poured from Joe’s earnest, tireless lips Sammy knew that it was coming closer. The words were making so much sense and she was fighting hard to keep that one little thought away. She fought desperately through the fog of her inebriation to find Tom’s face and his look, the one that was just for her, the one she hadn’t seen in so many months, but she was having a hard time finding a picture. Her memories were cloudy and her heart was heavy. The harder she fought to find Tom, the closer she was to comprehending until all at once, she realized she had known what it was all along.

That suspicious little flying thought had dug in and told her what she was feeling. Doubt.

Sammy’s eyes flew open and she tried to calm the crazy thudding of her heart. She knew she had to get out of here, had to be away from Joe because she was married and she loved her husband. She couldn’t afford to lose Tom because she was having doubts about her feelings for the two most important men in her life.

But Joe looked up from his guitar as he played the last couple of notes and gave her such a sincere, tender expression, that she couldn’t even think for a second about walking away. She didn’t know what it was that was rooting her to this spot so firmly, but there was no way she would ever be able to say goodbye to Joe.

She was leaning in close again and as he played, Joe had fallen closer to her as he got into the music. Their faces were mere inches apart and the moment their eyes met, they were both aware of the spark in the air between them.

Sammy gulped, because if it came down to a choice between Tom and Joe, she knew who would win any day of the week. Tom was her everything and she never wanted to live a life that he wasn’t a part of anymore. And yet… there was something deep stirring inside of her as she sat close to Joe. He was taking care of her, playing songs for her, doing anything and everything he could to make it so that she was comfortable and happy. Not to mention the hormones that were viciously protesting throughout her body, begging to be released; they weren’t making things any easier.

Joe wasn’t scared. He was staring into her eyes with a small, sweet smile on his face, as though he was just happiest sitting here with her. Sammy’s lips parted and she breathed shakily, unable to control it when her gaze flicked down to his lips. She prayed that he hadn’t noticed what she was doing, but he had. His smile spread a little wider and his dark eyes went softer. She saw him do the same thing and every fiber of her being was screaming in tumult. She knew she couldn’t give into Joe. Not only was she married and very much in love with her husband, but kissing Joe right now would make it so they were finally over that line, if they weren’t already. There was no way they could go back to being friends after that.

Then again, it was highly likely her marriage was coming to an end very soon. She didn’t know what more she could do other than to give in.

However, before she could make her decision known to Joe, a loud noise caused them both to jump nearly a mile, separating themselves as quickly as possible. Sammy peered over Joe’s shoulder and saw that Emma had made her way to the basement and was now trying hard to open the sliding glass door. It tended to stick from time to time, but all Sammy could see while Emma pushed was Joe doing the same thing only moments before. This caused her to contract the giggles all over again. She watched as her teenaged daughter walked over to them and then stopped completely. For one frightening second, Sammy was sure that Emma had witnessed something happening between her and Joe and that is why she has the consternated look on her face. But then Emma’s nose wrinkles and Sammy is thoroughly confused.

“Are you guys…?” Emma sniffed dramatically and Sammy noticed that it was hard for Joe to keep a straight face. When it hit Emma what they were doing, her eyes widened in horror and her jaw dropped. “You totally are! Oh my god!”

“How the hell do you know what that smells like, young lady?” Sammy demanded. She wasn’t necessarily upset with her daughter. It was hard to be too mad in her current mental state. It was hard to not laugh at Joe, who couldn’t seem to keep his shit together.

Emma frowned at Joe, her hands on her hips. Sammy wanted to be angry with her daughter but the way she stood there, looking at them as though she were the mother was too much to handle. She started laughing.

“You guys are high!” Emma screeched.

“Keep your voice down!” Sammy managed to sound stern through her laughter. “Your sister doesn’t need to come down here. It’s one thing that you’re down here.” Emma scoffed and crossed her arms then and cocked her hip, causing Joe and Sammy to break down into another chorus of giggles. “What are you doing down here anyway?”

“I just talked to Lacey and she was wondering if I could come spend the night Friday,” she started, losing some of the attitude, being that she was asking for something. “I figured since Izzie has that weekend sleepover thing…”

“Oh shit,” Sammy whispered and Joe stopped laughing long enough to look concerned. “Shit, I forgot all about Izzie’s sleepover this weekend.”

“Can I go?” Emma asked, impatient. She had all but completely forgotten about Joe and Sammy’s initial indiscretion. “Please?”

“Lacey’s?”

“Yes.”

“Parents?”

“Yes.”

“Remind me on Thursday night, please.”

“Thank you, mommy!” Emma said, jumping and then flinging her arms around Sammy’s neck.

“I love it when I’m ‘mommy,’” Sammy rolled her eyes, hugging her daughter back and sending her back up to her room. She made sure to make a mental note of the fact that her daughter was able to so accurately pick out what they were doing so they could discuss it later. Right now was not the time.

Once silence fell over the porch again and she and Joe were alone, Sammy was reminded of the moment they shared right before Emma interrupted them. Her face flushed and her heart started to race. Joe still had the guitar on his lap and he was randomly fingering the strings, not playing anything specific but keeping up the ambiance. Sammy let the music wash over her again, closing her eyes. It continued in this fashion for some time before Joe whispered, catching Sammy off guard.

“Do you think you’ll be okay here forever, Sam?”

Her large cocoa brown eyes shot open and her peaceful feeling was gone. Why Joe would ask her that question when she made it clear she didn’t want to dwell on it was beyond her. She suspected their moment before had shaken something loose in him and he was starting to wonder, just like she was. It was too much to comprehend that Joe was having these kinds of thoughts as well. She almost hoped he didn’t so that it didn’t go any further, but somehow, she suspected she wasn’t going to be that lucky.

“Do you mean… forever here, in this house, this geographical location…?” she whispered, unable to meet his eyes. “Or forever as in… forever with Tom?”

The silence that hung between them then was so tense that it made Sammy physically uncomfortable. She stood up and walked away from Joe, wrapping her arms around herself. The music stopped a second later and she heard Joe set the acoustic guitar away as he got up and walked over to join her. He stood next to her, close enough that their arms were touching. “I mean anything. I want you to talk to me.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this,” Sammy said quietly.

“I’m here,” Joe said. She didn’t know why he was being so persistent. “You’ve wanted someone to communicate with and talk to, and I’m here.”

Sammy sighed, exasperated. “Joe, I appreciate that, I really do, but I don’t want to talk about Tom and his communication – or lack thereof – at all.”

“Sam,” he whispered and she couldn’t take it. She stepped away from him. “Come on, Sam.”

“Oh, Joe don’t do that to me,” she said. “It’s easier with him not being here, it really is. I have time to think and really process everything that’s happened, everything we’ve said and done to get us to this point… and then he takes off, and I should be so furious and so angry with him and want to just slap him and tell him that he needs to quit running away and acting like a coward, but…” she took a deep, steadying breath, “I’m just numb.” A cold tear coursed down her cheek, unexpected and unwelcome. She wiped it away angrily. She felt Joe come up behind her and without warning, put his hands on her shoulders and squeeze a bit. It felt really nice and she leaned into it for a second before he spoke.

“I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better,” he said and Sammy believed him.

“I know. And you shouldn’t worry about it, Joe, you’re always there to help me clean up my messes. This one…” she sniffled, “this mess is not yours to clean up this time.”

“Maybe not,” he said, removing his hands from her shoulders and coming around to stand in front of her. “But I care about you and I don’t want you to be holding onto anything because you have no one to talk to.”

“If I get started on that path, though, we may never make it out alive,” Sammy confessed.

“I have forever, if you want it,” he said so quietly next to her ear that it gave her chills.

“Joe, you really need a social life,” she chuckled. “You can’t spend the rest of your life listening to me bitch. You’re not my husband.”

“Okay, you seriously need to quit this,” he said, gently tucking a finger under her chin and directing her eyes up to his. “I’m not married to you, Sam, but that doesn’t make you any less important to me. So if I want to spend my night here with you while you vent and get everything off of your chest, then dammit, I’m going to do it! You need me here.”

“I do need you.”

“Then talk to me.”

Sammy’s eyes flooded with tears and she hastily smeared them off of her cheeks as she opened her mouth and began to talk to Joe. She confessed everything she had been holding onto for the past few weeks, the fears she had about her marriage being over, and the concerns she had about the rest of her life because this rough patch didn’t seem nearly as simple anymore.

Joe was especially surprised to hear that Emma and Izzie had taken notice. This was when he actually entered the conversation and told her that he thought things were tense but he didn’t realize that it had gotten to the kids. Sammy’s cheeks were dripping with tears as she talked about the girls and how badly she wanted to keep them out of it. Now and for the rest of their lives they would grow up with the knowledge that their parents were having issues so bad that it seemed like they wouldn’t make it.

“How are they ever going to know what a normal, healthy relationship is? Their parents can’t even make it work and we fought so hard to stay together and make it work. I just don’t know what happened to those people. I don’t know what happened to me. Somewhere along the line I lost myself. I forgot that girl that was so eager to make it work for a week… I don’t know…” Sammy trailed off.

“Every kid hears their parents arguing at some point in their lives,” Joe reassured her. “I know I did, you probably did… I mean, Tom’s parents were divorced, I’m sure he heard his fair share. It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, it just makes you human.”

She shrugged. “I still don’t want them hearing it. I just want to protect them.”

“I know you do,” Joe said, and he snaked an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She rested her head against him and closed her eyes, letting the tears seep out. She hadn’t wanted to do this but now she was glad she had. She felt a million pounds lighter but at the same time, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. She forgot that smoking made her so sleepy. She yawned against Joe and he peered down at her, smirking. “Tired down there, beautiful?” She nodded. “Would you like me to let you get to bed, then?” Sammy didn’t want him to leave so she shook her head again, smiling to herself. He laughed and Sammy could feel it resonate in his chest. He was so warm and rich, like deep in his heart he was radiating with love and laughter. It was a nice feeling.

“Do you want me to tuck you in like a baby?” he asked her and she could hear the smile in his voice. The idea of him putting her in the bed where she and her husband lay was a little nerve racking but she knew that the last thing she wanted to see when she fell asleep was Joe. She nodded.

Without any more provocation, Joe swung around and led Sam into the house and up the stairs. She had become so exhausted she was weighing against him and it was a huge relief to get into her bed. Joe pushed her in and threw the blanket over her. Sammy rolled over onto her back and stared up at Joe.

The moment she stared up into Joe’s expectant face she felt that doubt creeping back up into her consciousness. The mesmerizing twinkles in Joe’s dark eyes reminded her of the starry sky and she was completely entranced. All she wanted to do was curl up underneath that gaze. The adorable upturn to his smirk caused her blood to race and she felt the room spin around her. Any moment he was going to give her one last smile, one last twinkle, and then he would vanish like a dream. She was so tired of being in this bed alone. Even when Tom was next to her she was by herself. Sammy knew the panic was rising in her throat because she sensed Joe was ready to let her get to sleep.

“Don’t go yet,” Sammy said before Joe could say anything. She reached out from under the blanket and took his hand, pulling him toward her. For a moment it appeared that he was going to protest until Sammy whispered, “Please?”

Joe’s expression softened considerably and she saw a brief flash of pain reflected in his eyes. He didn’t want her to be alone either. He didn’t say anything. He only smiled and she moved to accommodate him on the bed as he sat next to her.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be alone tonight,” she mumbled.

“I understand, babe, you don’t have to apologize,” he said, reaching up to push the hair out of her face. His light touch was setting her skin on fire.

“I’m really glad I have you, Joe,” she told him. She was having trouble keeping her eyes open but she didn’t want him to leave. Joe was quiet so she kept talking. “Things are really stressful around here lately and it’s nice to know that someone is always going to be there for me. I really can’t do this alone anymore.”

“You’re always going to have me,” Joe whispered to her, leaning down further. “No matter what.”

“Good,” she said. “Will you do something for me, Joe?”

“What is it?”

Sammy’s heart pounded a little bit because she knew she was asking an awful lot. She wasn’t even sure if she was comfortable doing this but she desperately craved the intimacy and the affection. Tom hadn’t been physically affectionate in so long that she was beginning to feel as though she had been abandoned in the wilderness, left to freeze all by herself.

So instead of weighing the options too heavily in her exhausted mind, she reached out for him and whispered, “Will you hold me?”

Whatever Joe was expecting, it certainly wasn’t that. The shocked expression on his face said everything his words couldn’t. Sammy felt instantly awful for putting him in this situation, but before she could open her mouth to take back her question, Joe was standing up from the bed, kicking off his shoes, and hopping into bed next to her. She scooted over to Tom’s side and turned on her side to face Joe. His face was so close that it nearly became a dangerous situation, but Sammy was able to control herself. She was far too drained to even give it a second thought.

Finally, once they were arranged and comfortable, the stark quiet fell around them. Sammy was smiling. She was just so happy to have Joe here with her and to not be alone. She blinked wearily and saw that his eyes were showing a bit of apprehension. Even so, Joe knew exactly what needed to be done, so instead of waiting for her to show him what to do, he propped himself up on his elbow, creating a small space underneath him that she could fit in and she scooted into the spot. Once she was there, he wrapped his right arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, his fingers entwined in her silky golden locks. His left arm wound around her waist.

Sammy buried her head against his chest. Everything about this was absolutely perfect. Joe was warm, comfortable, and he smelled amazing. It was one of the last things she would remember as she fell asleep, but before she could completely check out she hushed, “Joe?”

“Yeah?” he answered equally as quiet.

“You’re amazing.”

“You are, too,” he said, and after a small kiss on the head, Sammy felt free enough to drift off, sure she heard Joe whisper something else in the darkness. By the time she thought of the words to ask him what he said, she was already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoyed it no matter what your opinion on the subject matter. But if it still bothers you, know that Joe and Sammy are two consenting adults in a safe environment. Oh and they're in a medicinal state, so it's legal as well.
> 
> :-)


	9. Chapter 9 - Tom

Tom: Then

It is nearly three in the morning and I am having a hell of a time trying to get my work finished so I can retire to bed. I didn’t want to be up all night working on this project but I really don’t have much of a choice. I am meeting with the producers within the next couple of days to go over what I have so far and I’m not quite there yet. I wish I could just spend an entire day locked up here in my basement office but I am not going to have that kind of luck.

I came home from my latest trip to Los Angeles about a week ago and things around here have been as hectic as ever. Samantha is under more pressure to meet a deadline for her latest book and the girls have just recently gotten over a nasty cold. I wasn’t gone for very long, and thankfully Joe was here to help out, but I still feel terrible for leaving Samantha when she really needed me the most.

That was the reason I gave her the night off even though I had so much work to do. I knew she needed it. She protested until I steadfastly refused to allow her to back out of a much deserved fun night out. Besides, I hadn’t had much quality time with my daughters and it would be a nice evening in for us. So a few minutes later my wife emerged, looking ravishing as always, gave me a kiss, and headed out the door with my friend while I popped in a Dreamworks movie for my children. Emma helped me make dinner and some snacks for the movie and we had a lovely time, the three of us, laughing and tickling and cuddling on the couch. Both of them fell asleep before the end of the movie and I was able to put them to bed without much of a fuss. After I cleaned up the kitchen I got right back to work. It made me feel so good to be able to spend time with Emma and Izzie as well as taking care of the house so that Samantha didn’t have to come home to a mess as well. Needless to say, I was in a good mood.

But now, that good mood has come and passed. I have been sitting in this chair for what seems like endless hours trying to get it all organized while I also answer the occasional text from Samantha, telling me she is having a great time. That is my one respite amidst the frustration of my work.

I sit here, staring at the dim monitor of my laptop and wish that I could just have a stroke of brilliance, working it all out, and then go to bed. I could just set it all down and go to bed, worry about it tomorrow, but I promised myself that I would get just a bit more done before I threw in the towel.

It strikes me then that I am sort of sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for something and I can’t seem to remember what it was. Right then I glance down at my dark mobile and remember that nearly forty-five minutes ago, Samantha had texted and told me that they were on their way. I expected her here at least half an hour ago.

Frowning, I pick up my phone and decide to shoot her a quick message, asking where she was, but before I can even formulate the thought completely, I hear a soft knock at my office door. I whirl around and see Samantha standing there, looking a bit red faced and somewhat sheepish.

“I’m sorry about that,” she says, giving me an apologetic smile. “Joe and I just got talking and I forgot to text you and tell you I was home.”

“Quite all right,” I tell her, and I pat my legs so she will come over and curl herself up in my lap. She grins widely, kicks off her pumps, and comes over to take me up on my invitation. She is quite petite and can fit so snugly against me that it feels as though we were always meant to do this. I wrap one arm around her back and grab hold of her legs with the other, pulling her close and pressing my lips to hers. I have all but completely forgotten my work. She tastes of peach and her lips are warm and soft. “Did you have a good night?” I ask this as a way to open up conversation. I know from her messages that she had a lot of fun.

“Oh yes,” she says with a smile. “Thank you so much for staying with the girls.” Those rich chocolate eyes gaze into me and I see her appreciation reflected there. I can also tell she desperately needed this night, for her own sanity, and I’m glad she was able to have that.

“Of course, my love,” I say to her, tucking her fallen amber tresses behind her ear as I graze her cheek softly with my fingers. “You do so much around here and you deserve to have fun. And you know how much I missed the girls.”

“Did you have fun?” she asks me, readjusting herself and putting a hand against my chest. My heart speeds up a little at her touch. “I know how much of a handful they are, especially at bedtime.”

I shrug noncommittally and laugh at her, “No, they were actually very well behaved and we had a delightful time. We watched a movie and cooked.”

“You cooked with our kids?” she asks.

“No, just the one,” I say and we share a laugh. “They both fell asleep during the movie and no one fought me on their way to bed. Emma seemed as though she wanted to, but she was too tired to form a coherent argument,” I explain to her, thinking how much like Samantha Emma is at times. Samantha fights going to sleep unless she desperately needs to.

“That’s my girl,” she says, repeating my thoughts back to me. She readjusts herself one more time and scoots down a little further so she can put her head on my shoulder. I keep my grip on her so she doesn’t slide right off my lap and I lean my head back against the chair, comfortable and warm right here with my beloved. I close my eyes and enjoy the moment, letting everything else fade away from me.

“By the way, what the hell are you still doing awake?” she asks after a moment. My eyes open up and I sit up a little, remembering exactly why I am awake.

“Shit, I’m supposed to be working,” I say, throwing my head back onto the chair again.

“Until three in the morning?” Samantha asks, skeptical.

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” I say. In a moment I’m going to have to scoot Samantha off of my lap so I can just get these last few things finished and I can join her in bed. I feel my heart sink a little bit because I was hoping to end the night with a bit of fun. I have the remaining energy for that but if I have to work much longer I’m sure Samantha will be asleep.

“You’re still working?” she asks, and she lifts her head up and peers over her shoulder at the open laptop.

“Yes, unfortunately, I’m stuck at this part and I can’t seem to move forward,” I confess to her, my eyes raking over her soft, pink lips and down her neck to the very open dress she has worn. I am blessed with a wife that has an ample bosom, one of my many weaknesses. She may not be meaning to show them off but it seems that no matter what she wears it is bound to happen, just by their mere size. I find myself wanting to place my lips on them and I immediately start to get excited at the thought. I do not want to do my work tonight. I want Samantha.

“Spin me around,” she says as she looks back at me, a glint in her eyes. She can’t quite tell that I’m aroused yet, but the moment she shifts on my lap she’ll know. I do what she says anyway, facing her toward the computer and she swings her legs down and sits on my lap properly. She leans forward and places her hands on the keys, but before she starts typing she turns around and purses her lips, raising an eyebrow. “It’s the boobs, isn’t it?”

“A bit,” I say, wrapping my arms around her and letting my hands roam a little. My fingers find the gentle swell of her breasts and I grow even more excited. It also doesn’t help that my wife is sitting directly on top of it, causing friction with the slightest movements.

“Give me a minute, all right?” she says and I see a twinkle in her eyes. She is just as up for this as I am. I don’t speak. I nod and let her work a little bit of magic as I lose myself in the beauty of Samantha’s body. Everything about her is titillating, from the lavender scent of her soft blonde hair to the voluptuous curve of her hips, even to her ten little sexy toes. I want her so badly that I find everything else start to cloud over and I forget why we are delaying this to begin with.

Finally, after an agonizing couple of minutes, Samantha finishes and turns to me, smirking mischievously. “There. Finished.”  
I look past her and for a second forget my extreme arousal. “You finished it?” She nods emphatically. “Oh my god, thank you,” I say, genuinely grateful she has helped me out.

Her eyes narrow and my beautiful goddess of a wife transforms into a vixen. “I know one way you can thank me.”

I need no more provocation. We don’t even need to leave this chair. I take her in my arms and we do the dance we are already so adept at and I know that no other woman will ever feel as good against me as she does.  
 

Tom: Now

 

Thomas William Hiddleston was not an adulterer.

He had his faults, like any human being does, and he certainly was not the perfect husband, father, son, brother, et cetera, but he had many redeeming qualities as well. He was a great listener. He loved to talk to people and get to know them and he was always as kind as he could be to those he met, knowing how harsh and cold the world could be at times. He felt he was compassionate and caring as well and because of this trait he often times became the person that others closest to him felt comfortable turning to first. Sometimes even people who were practically strangers or passing acquaintances would pour everything out to him, just instinctually. He was okay with this identity, for the most part.

The one frustrating thing about being the person everyone turns to is inevitably, you have to turn to someone and oftentimes, there is no one around to help. For so long, Samantha was more than happy to be that person and he was more than happy to share with her, but somewhere along the line, he just stopped talking to her. It was as though he was so used to just being this person that everyone could turn to that he closed up, and it was no one’s fault, really, it just happened. Life happens. People change. Unfortunately, though, it was coming at a cost and he knew he had to talk to his wife.

Tom wanted to be close to her again because he needed her. He probably needed her at this point more than she needed him and yet he couldn’t express it to her. They needed an entire night (perhaps a full day, at this point) where they stood in a room and screamed and shouted at each other until they were hoarse and exhausted. They had to confront each other on all of their issues, all of the things they had said to each other in the past year but never got around to discussing, and they had to have an incredibly frank discussion about where they were and how they got past it.

The bottom line was a confrontation was needed and Tom had to be the one to start it. Instead, he ran away, like the coward he was, and hid himself from the love of his life, all to avoid the inevitable screaming match that had to happen.

But on top of all the attributes he had, the weaknesses, the strengths, everything that made him Tom Hiddleston, he knew there was one thing he had never done and he had been confident that it was one thing he would never do. He would never, ever physically or emotionally betray the trust of a good woman.

And yet, blinking and bleary eyed the next morning, Tom woke up to the most frightening shock he had ever experienced in his nearly forty plus years of life. His head was spinning the moment he opened his eyes and he knew for a fact that he had gotten far too drunk the night before. That much he did know. He was getting too old to be drinking like that. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going to be a long day, but until Tom felt someone stirring next to him, he had no idea just how long it was going to be.

With a start, Tom’s eyes flew open and he was instantly regretful. The full force of the morning sun seemed to blast right through his pupils and into his head, where his migraine intensified. He put a hand up to his head but couldn’t take his eyes off of the figure next to him underneath the covers. All he saw was the shapely curve of a woman and the bright blonde hair that poked out from the top of the blanket. 

Tom’s heart started pounding in his chest. He had no recollection of what happened the night before, so, panicked, he sat and tried to wade through the fog of alcohol clouding his memory so that he could figure out exactly what happened. Unfortunately, the very last thing he remembered was stumbling to the bathroom and then coming back to the bar for ‘one   
more drink.’ More than likely it turned into several more because this was one of the worst hangovers he’d had in a long time. In fact, it was probably the worst hangover because he couldn’t recall feeling like this after drinking the night he met Samantha.

Then again, that was many years ago and he was a much older man now.

All of this was too much to handle right now. He just wanted to figure it all out. He couldn’t begin to imagine that in any state he’d even consider the possibility of sleeping with someone else and betraying his wife like that, but it was hard to say. In no stream of consciousness could he ever begin to consider that things were over between him and his wife, because if he slept with another woman that’s what it would have meant.

Tom scooted up slowly in bed, trying hard not to move too much for fear of waking up whoever was next to him, as well as considering the fact that his brain felt like it was about to explode out of his skull. Too much movement was making him nauseous.

He took a moment to set his head back against the headboard. Surveying the room, he saw that he was in his own hotel room, which was a great comfort but also gave him a bit of concern because how was he going to get her out of here? He could probably just duck out quickly and let her sneak out on her own. He didn’t even really want to know who it was because he didn’t want to have an awkward situation with anyone he worked with, but he had a sinking feeling that it was Malinda, his photographer. She was the last person he remembered talking to. The bits and pieces of the night were starting to come back in but he wasn’t sure he’d recover the final few hours right away.

Once he managed to keep his head from spinning he decided the best thing to do was at least escape into the bathroom and freshen up before his unintended guest woke up. Maybe she would have an idea as to what had happened the night before, but he wasn’t too sure. Mostly he just wanted to run away and not have to face what he may or may not have done.

It was right then, as he went to pull the blanket off of him, that he realized he wasn’t wearing any pants. He still had his underwear on, which should have been fortuitous, but normally after he and Samantha were intimate he would use the restroom and then put his underwear back on to slip into bed with her. Early on, after their reunion in which he found out he was a father to a four-year-old, Samantha had warned him that children were very good at showing up randomly throughout the night or early morning, wanting to crawl in bed with you. She had learned the hard way not to be naked when this happens, because sometimes it happened without her ever being woken up. He made a habit of dressing for bed, and after doing it for so many years it was automatic.

The bottom line was he wouldn’t know what actually happened unless he had the guts to talk to his bedmate, and he wasn’t sure if he really had any to spare right now.

He pushed back the blanket a little more, as slowly and cautiously as he could and he inched out of the bed. He paused every so often, waiting for a stir, but his bed mate remained motionless. Every single move he made, she stayed still, and he was all too relieved when he was finally able to put both of his feet on the floor and stand up from the bed without a confrontation. He felt the full weight of his poor decisions hit him as the room spun around him and his stomach churned. Tom was almost positive that he was still a little intoxicated, so instead of standing there and face the possibility of collapsing back into the bed, he staggered to the bathroom, opened and shut the door behind him quietly, and sat down against the tub. He didn’t bother to turn on the light, because not only would that kill his brain, but it would also turn the fan on and he was sure the loud noise would wake up his guest.

The cool floor felt good under his feet but he was still quite sick. It wasn’t bad enough that for months he and his wife hadn’t been on the same page but now he had gone and done something so incredibly stupid that there was no way to repair the damage. Why did he have to be such a damn coward? If he had just sat Samantha down a few weeks into this insanity there wouldn’t be any kind of an issue to deal with at all. But it was what it was and now he was here without any discernible way out of the mess he had created for himself.

Before he sat for too much longer, he stood up slowly, trying not to make himself too dizzy, and finally, when he was able to adjust to standing up completely, he turned the light on and braved the intensity. It hurt terribly for a split second, but it was manageable after that. He took a deep, steadying breath and clambered uneasily into the shower. After he was satisfied with the faucet temperature he gingerly turned the knob, diverting the water to the showerhead and sprinkling over his tense, naked body. It was instantly relieving.

Tom closed his eyes and allowed himself this one single second of respite in all the insanity going on internally, not to mention externally. The hot water was sprinkling the exhausted, thirsty skin of his face and it felt so amazing that he didn’t want to open his eyes for a long time. He wanted to remain here in limbo, where no one was disappointed in him and needing him for something he didn’t know how to provide. There wasn’t a soul in here he had to be accountable to. He wasn’t a bad husband or a lacking father, a man who just didn’t live up to the bar everyone had set for him. It had started so long ago with the beginning of his days in the Thor franchise, when all of a sudden there were millions of fans at every turn, enjoying his films, his projects, and especially, him. No one could ever begin to prepare you for the possibility of becoming a ‘heart throb’ and what you should do afterward. To say the least, he was humbled by it and he began to channel his negative feelings about being this sex symbol and use it for good. If he was going to be blessed with celebrity, no matter how undeserved he felt it was, he was going to make sure he gave back where he could.

And so it had gone for the next fifteen years of his career. After he’d come back to Samantha and discovered he had a child to consider, things had changed quite a bit. He didn’t do the traveling he used to but he was still as heavily involved as he could be.

He felt it necessary to give back because it helped him deal with the crippling idea that maybe one day all of these fans of his would discover that he wasn’t all they had thought? What if he started to disappoint the many people that called him an ‘inspiration’ and they lost faith in the goodness of others? He didn’t want to be responsible for all of that and sometimes it just came to be too much to carry on his own. In the early years of his marriage he was able to express this worry to his wife. Samantha was always there to shoulder his burdens, no matter how heavy. She couldn’t empathize with this particular problem but she was there, nonetheless, and Tom was so grateful to have her that he couldn’t merely express it in words.

And then things changed. They got busy. Izzie was growing up and needed far more attention than she ever had before. Emma was edging toward puberty. They didn’t lose each other, really, but they lost a lot of time that they wished they could reclaim.

Out of nowhere, Tom was realizing that he was staying in his office more and more by himself. He didn’t even know if it actually meant to happen, it was something that started and just seemed to happen with more frequency over time. He did recall, though, that for the first few weeks Samantha was appearing more often, asking him if he wanted to come and spend time with her, but it seemed that the more time went on, the less he saw of her. He supposed she was just getting tired of asking and getting told no.

When he lifted his head one day and realized that he hadn’t heard her voice at his door in nearly a week, he understood what was happening. He tore himself away from what he was doing to go to her, but he found that she was starting to close off now. He tried his best to understand what it was that had made him shut down to begin with but there had never been a clear answer. This was ridiculously frustrating because if he could identify what it was to begin with, he’d actually be able to articulate that to his wife and they could work on it.

Unfortunately, his brain was deliberately ignorant. So instead of figuring it all out and fixing it, he ran away from it because what was the point of talking to her now? He had already waited too long and he didn’t even know what the cause was anyway. He wasn’t going to disappoint her twice.

That was when he noticed Samantha was starting to lash out. They were bickering more and more often about stupid things that they didn’t normally have an issue with. The larger, less frequent arguments started after that, which was when Tom was starting to become really worried. At first, he was annoyed by Samantha picking these stupid fights because he knew that it was just her trying to get him to communicate with her. This was when he was under the delusion that it was her fault for things getting this bad. However, once the bickering stopped and the big, explosive fights started, Tom was well aware that this was the only time he was ever talking to his wife. It scared him.

He wanted to try and improve things, but it just didn’t happen. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything to her. He just didn’t want to hear the disappointment in her voice, the pain she felt for his not being the husband he should have been. He didn’t want to think about the man that insisted they get married when she wasn’t quite ready for it He had at least owed her a husband that would try twice as hard to assuage her fears.

So now, after all that time and all that struggle to do better and make himself seem better, he was right back to where he began when he was a younger man. He was still disappointing someone. That someone being the one woman in the entire universe that he didn’t ever want to hurt.

He opened his eyes, feeling worse than he had before he got into the shower, and set about the task of washing himself up. Afterward he felt a bit better, at least able to tolerate the headache and the stiff muscles. Once he had a coffee and something to eat he knew his stomach would feel better. As he pulled on his underwear, he remembered that he had an uninvited guest in bed.

Stopping dead, he let the cold fear surge through his body before he decided what to do. He didn’t know if he wanted to go ahead and face whoever it was in that bed because in his opinion, if he didn’t know who it was, he wouldn’t feel awkward about it later.

It took him so long to decide that by the time he was paying attention to something other than his own thoughts he heard the door open and then click shut on the other side of the bathroom wall. His heart lifted a bit, hopeful that maybe he would get a bit of a break.

He opened the door and poked his head out just enough to peer into the room. He saw no trace of anyone else so he stepped out, intent on getting dressed as quickly as possible so he could get downstairs to fill his stomach.

As soon as he was fully dressed, he reached down for his phone and checked it quickly before going to shove it in his pocket. He stopped what he was doing when he saw that he had a single bar of service and he had to double check to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. Eagerly, he pulled up his call log to dial up Samantha but before he could do any of that there was a pause before he saw that he was getting an incoming call. He was most disappointed to see Joe’s phone number pop up.

It didn’t matter. At least he was able to get one call and he wasn’t going to waste it just in case his signal spotted out again. He clicked it and answered brightly, “Hello!”

“Tom?” he heard his friend say on the other end, sounding slightly confused. “Hey, buddy, it’s Joe.”

Tom had to chuckle a bit. He expected this confusion. “Yes, I know it’s you! I just can’t believe I have a signal! I wonder how long I’ll get this lucky,” he said, all in one long thought. He took a deep breath, his heart hammering in his chest. If he was going to do this properly he had to do it now. He would just tell Joe everything and see what his friend thought of the situation, maybe decide whether or not it was right to tell Samantha just yet.

“What are you talking about?” Joe asked. He sounded even more confused than he had before.

“Well,” Tom said, closing his eyes and continuing on past the churning of his stomach. “There was quite a nasty storm here last night, knocked out our power, I lost signal completely in my phone, I couldn’t get a single call in or out last night.” He said all of this very fast, knowing that at any moment they could get cut off. He needed to make sure he conveyed as much as possible. 

“I’ve been pretty desperate to get a hold of Samantha but I didn’t think after trying all night and all morning that I would actually get any luck today. I want to talk to her so badly, is she with you?” The thought occurred to him part way through his explanation that she might actually be with him. He knew they were practically inseparable, especially when he was out of town.

“No, no she’s not,” Joe said, sounding very uneasy. “How bad was the storm, man? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, physically,” Tom realized he could have said this first, “I just really need to talk to Samantha. She’s definitely not with you?” Now that he had the idea that she might be there somewhere he had to make sure. He didn’t think she would have been so angry that she was refusing to speak to him, but he wanted to convey to Joe that he needed to speak to Samantha, just in case.

“No, she’s at home, dude. What is going on with you?” Tom knew that Joe was onto him. He knew he had to come clean, but he wanted to put it off for as long as possible.

He took one more deep breath and sighed, muttering, “All right.” He would accept the fact that he couldn’t talk to his wife right now but that didn’t mean he had to like it. “Well then can I ask a small favor?”

“Anything, man.”

“Can you at least let Samantha know what’s going on, I’m here, I’m safe, and that I have no clue when I’ll be able to get a flight out of here? They’ve grounded all air traffic for an undetermined amount of time.” Tom’s heart was heavy. Above everything else, he just wanted to hear Samantha’s voice right now. It would ground him, let him know everything was all right, even if he broke into tears the moment he heard her speak.

“Yeah, not a problem,” his friend said and Tom was grateful for his friend. “But I have to say I don’t think you’ll be stuck there for more than another day. they usually don’t cancel flights for that long. They have to make money somehow right?” Tom rolled his eyes at Joe. Typical Joe.

“I suppose,” Tom answered, exasperated. “It’s not that I’m not happy to hear from you, Joe, it’s just –”

“Dude, you don’t have to explain, I understand,” Joe interrupted. He sounded like he was amused with Tom.

“No, no, you don’t understand,” Tom mumbled back to him, his blood racing. This was it. The moment he didn’t want to happen. What would Joe do, though, if he told him what had happened? Joe had a loyalty to him, but he had a strong bond with Samantha as well. There was no telling what he would do, keep the secret or tell it, and he hated to put in him the middle. He just needed to say it.

“What’s going on, Tom?” Joe asked then, spurring him into further action.

Tom sighed just one more time, protesting the fact that he had to do this, and then he just launched right into it. “I don’t know what happened last night, but something happened…” he paused and waited for Joe to ask, but his friend remained frustratingly silent. Tom continued. “This trip has just been a complete nightmare. We’re not having any luck finding anything, we were just starting to really get some progress going last night when it started to get stormy. We even kept pushing on, but the roads were getting dangerous and we just had to give up for the night.” Tom stopped for a second to catch his breath but knew if he didn’t keep going he’d never finish. “I did get the chance to talk to Samantha for a brief moment before my signal went out, but I’m afraid because it was so chaotic over here that I may have made her feel as though I was screaming and carrying on at her, and I didn’t mean to make her feel that way. I feel like maybe she’s still a bit cross with me. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings or anything by cutting her off, but I couldn’t quite hear her and I was trying to make sure I told her I loved her and the girls but I don’t know what she picked up.” Tom finally took a moment to catch his breath, and his friend was staying silent. “Are you still there, mate?”

“Just letting you finish,” Joe answered.

“Great,” Tom ran a hand through his short wet hair, nervous because this was it. “I just don’t know what happened last night… I was so upset about how my conversation went with Samantha, and I needed a drink… And then things went downhill…”

“Sorry, man, I didn’t catch that last part, you’re breaking up a bit,” Joe was saying, and Tom could hear the signal starting to fuzz out.

He had already started this explanation and he needed to make sure he finished it. “I was with the photographer last night, drinking at the bar… and then I don’t know what happened, something… something happened I can’t explain because I don’t remember.”

“Tom? Are you there?”

“Joe? Can you hear me?”

Before Joe could say another word, however, the signal ended their call and right where he had one tiny bar before was just a big ‘x,’ mocking him. Tom wanted to scream and carry on and cry and do all the things his irrational brain was begging him to do, but he couldn’t afford to spend any amount of time doing that. He was here for work and even if there was no way he could get a flight out soon, he had plenty of other things to do.

But it was completely useless and he knew that better than anything or anyone in this entire universe. He wasn’t going to get any decent amount of work done because this was just too heavy. He had to do something about it, but there was absolutely nothing he could do. For a frantic few minutes, he walked in circles around his messy hotel room, holding his iPhone up to varying heights, standing on the bed, on the desk, on the chair, stretching until he hit the ceiling, just trying to hold onto any trace of a signal but he was unsuccessful. It took all of his restraint not to throw his phone at the wall and watch it shatter into a million satisfying pieces. He knew that was a counterproductive thing to do. Without a phone he wouldn’t be able to get out of here at all.

Defeated, Tom sat down on the bed where he had just been standing and buried his face in his hands. He wished he had been able to explain himself to Joe before the call was cut off, just so he could be assured that he wasn’t going to tell Samantha about it before he had a chance to explain what was going on himself. He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened to begin with.

Maybe if he could reconstruct what had happened he could return to his wife with happy news, but he doubted that he would be able to do that. The panic spreading through him right now was an undeniable nightmare. The thought of losing Samantha over his lapse in judgment was too much to bear. He needed to get home and he needed to do it now.

He was cleaned up from the shower and now all he needed to do was track down some food to feel at least partly human. He tossed on a pair of discarded jeans, not giving a second thought to the fact that he had worn them out in the storm the night before, found a black t-shirt poking out of his luggage and grabbed it, throwing it on unceremoniously, pocketed his phone, and headed out the door. He didn’t feel like he was put together properly but he just didn’t care. He had to return to his hotel room twice for things he had forgotten (shoes, for instance), but he was bound and determined to get this day started so that he could track down a way to get home.

Because the longer his soul was apart from its other half, emotionally and physically, the more out of sorts he felt. There was no way he could get through the rest of his life without her. She had given him more love than he ever thought it was possible to have, blessed him with two of the most beautiful, sweet daughters anyone could ever have, and had promised to provide him with a long, happy life of companionship and love. How could he ever begin to repay that debt to her? The fact that he had closed himself off from her at all was inexcusable and he didn’t know if he would ever be able to make this past year up to her.

But damned if he wasn’t going to try.


	10. Chapter 10 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

“I just didn’t get why you went and did that, I mean… Seriously, what were you thinking?”

“I don’t know… I’m an idiot.”

“Damn right you are!”

“Joe, seriously, quit giving me shit! I’m tired of it!”

“Oh my god, just hand over the money you owe me and I’ll quit giving you shit.”

“Shouldn’t have bought the pair of them, you should have just bought the one and then you wouldn’t be paying to get rid of them.”

“Will you leave it, Tom?”

“In a bit of a mood are we, my dear?”

“Shove it up your crumpet hole, red coat.”

I am so struck by Sam’s insult that I find I am unable to breathe for nearly a minute. A spirited game of Monopoly was all Tom and I had in mind for the evening and Sam did warn us that she was not a fan of the game. I honestly can’t blame her for getting so angry now that Tom and I are giving her so much grief. I am surprised she still plays with us at all. Then again, she gets her sweet revenge when we play Trivial Pursuit.

“It’s crazy how good you are at this. You sly bastard,” she says to me, a playful twinkle in her dark eyes. She’s trying not to take it personal but I know how much it frustrates her when she’s not the best at something. I’ve been telling her for years that she needs to knock it off, she can’t be the best at everything. So far this argument has not worked.

“That’s because my brain is wired different than yours,” I explain as I collect her money, noticing that she just barely has enough to pay me off before she’s bankrupt and out of the game. When she’s out that usually means the game is over. “I have more of an aptitude for shrewd business deals, obviously.”

She scoffs at me. Tom is silent, as usual, going through his money and property cards and recounting everything. He is more of a strategist, like me and prefers not to invest in the trash talk that goes on between Sam and me. His head is bent over and all we see when we break our conversation to look over and remind him that it his turn is a head full of red curls.

“Darling husband,” Sam says and Tom lifts his head up, an amused expression on his face.

“Yes?”

“Go.”

Tom does as he’s told, setting his money and cards down long enough to continue playing on the board. It is late on a Friday, nearly midnight, and we are all gathered around the table at my home in Los Angeles. Tom and Sam happen to be in town for some press and I agreed to put them up even after Sam protested. They had to bring the girls, who were twelve and five respectively and quite a handful. I insisted to her that it wasn’t a big deal. I enjoyed visiting with them and it was pointless for them to spend money on a hotel when they could stay with me and be more comfortable. Tonight, the girls are already asleep and after a long week, Tom has requested that we stay in and relax. It was an easy choice to make. Sam and I aren’t feeling up to doing any hobnobbing either.

“Alright,” he whispers to himself, looking at where he’s landed. Pretty much every single property on the board is owned but somehow Tom manages to land on one of the few open places. Immediately I feel Sam tense beside me. We are all very much aware that she is trying to collect these three properties and already has two. Tom seems to be in a bit of a conundrum. He remains completely silent but I can tell by the furrow in his brow and the set of his jaw that he is going through a great deal of thought and process about what he should do. I chance a sideways glance at Sam, whose teeth are clenched and eyes are focused so hard on the board that I am waiting for it to burst into flame at any moment.

“Okay,” Tom says again and as though it is all going in slow motion. He gently sets the money on the middle of the board, reaches for the card, and tries his hardest to avoid eye contact with his wife.

Needless to say the entire thing is very, very funny. I manage to keep a smile off of my face, with insane concentration, and pretend that my own cards have become incredibly fascinating. All the while I can feel the tension mounting in the room, the anxiety flowing from my friend next to me while he remains static and silent, and the pure, undeniable anger palpitating from Sam. The air is so thick and awkward in here I am highly surprised when no one continues to comment on it.

“Joe?” is the next thing uttered from Sam and it takes all my sheer will not to burst out laughing at how irrationally angry she sounds.

I want to tell her how ridiculous she is being and laugh at her and I want to tell Tom that it’s okay for him to break down and chuckle a bit, because I know he’s dying to. Sam has the tendency to be a bit of a stubborn hard ass, but luckily doesn’t hold much of a grudge. She has a temporary tantrum and after a few hours she’s good to go. Tom has complained about her outbursts in the past. I have to make sure I keep pointing out to him that that’s how American women are. Not only that, he should be grateful that she’s that tame. Some women were masters of grudge holding.

It doesn’t matter. The cycle will continue as it has because it’s easier to deal with the fallout of this tension rather than the inevitable argument that comes with taking a stand. I know this without even having to look at Tom for confirmation. I still do, because it’s the routine. This is the moment she is so upset that she’s not hyper aware of what we’re doing, so we can sneak a look to figure out how bad the night’s going to be. Usually we just take the opportunity to laugh.

This time is no exception. I put my cards up against my forehead, like I’ve got a bad itch at my hairline and my eyes shoot over to Tom. He is sitting directly to my right and has suddenly ducked his down while forcing his hand into his hair. It’s a habit of his anyway, so it looks somewhat natural, but his gaze is trained over in my direction. His face is neutral, but the instant we make eye contact I see his resolve break and he smirks at me. He’s trying his hardest not to open his lips because the second he does he’ll laugh. It’s all too funny and I take an extra second to compose myself before both of us drop our hands and then look over at Sam.

Then things take an unexpected turn. This doesn’t happen often, probably once in all the years we’ve been playing games together, but when it does, it sucks all the air out of the room in a second flat. Because when two completely vulnerable men see the woman they love start crying out of anger and frustration, well they leap into action.

The first tear doesn’t even fall before Tom is up out of his chair and kneeling on the floor next to her, holding her hand and asking her what’s wrong. She shakes her head, not wanting to say. I suspect she’s not trying to be difficult. She just doesn’t want to open her mouth and start sobbing for something this dumb. Tom seems to understand that, too, because he doesn’t say anything. He simply stays where he is, rubbing Sam’s arm, trying to calm her down. I watch them for a second, sitting on the edge of my seat, ready to be on Sam’s other side if she needs me, and I let myself have a selfish moment of pining. I don’t allow these moments too often when I am in Sam’s presence, much less Tom’s, but it’s harder to keep those thoughts away when things like this catch me off guard.

The tension finally fizzles away and there’s an awkward pause that follows. Sam seems to sense it because at that moment, she shifts in her chair and looks down at Tom, giving him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I know she’s done for the night. They say goodnight and exchange a kiss before she stands up, waving to me through a yawn, and heads out of the room.

Tom sits down in Sam’s seat and sighs, resting his head in his hand. He rubs his eyes and I feel a bit sorry for him, and then immediately guilty after that for having that thought about Sam. But as my friend lifts his head and gives me a genuine if weary smile, I know the fact remains that Sam is a stubborn, opinionated woman. Tom’s been in the states for a long time and has had more than enough time to acclimate to the differences but I know he still has trouble with her from time to time.

For the next couple of minutes, neither of us speak because we don’t need to. We know that we’re both thinking about Sam and how much of a handful she can be. Fortunately for me, Tom doesn’t know that I am also thinking of how I wouldn’t mind handling a strong woman if that woman happened to be Sam.

And fortunately he doesn’t know how jealous I am that I don’t have that responsibility.  
 

Joe: Now

 

The only thing that was more annoying than waking up in a strange place without the immediate memory of getting there was the ferocious sunlight that forced you awake to begin with. Joe found himself swearing before he could even open his eyes fully. It took him a moment or two before he was even willing to stretch out his limbs to figure out where he was. He had been in such a deep, wonderful state of slumber that the intrusion of the bright light was much more disconcerting than he thought it would be.

As his brain started to wake from the fog of his rest, the events of the night before started filtering back into his recollection. He remembered that he had come to Sam and Tom’s last night, he remembered that they had talked for a while before smoking and enjoying a musical interlude on the patio. He even remembered the moment they were caught by Emma and how funny it had been, but nerve racking at the same time, though he couldn’t quite remember why…

Joe’s eyes finally popped open the exact moment he realized that there was something heavy pinning his arm to the bed and all of the missing pieces hit him right away. The moment he shared with Sam while he was playing that song for her, his inhibitions lowered enough for him to go baring his soul. He also recalled that right before Emma popped out onto the patio he and Sam had shared something that looked dangerously close to becoming a serious issue.

Not that he didn’t want to do it… He wanted to kiss Sam so bad sometimes that it was hard for him to be around her, but he knew that doing it would probably be the beginning of the end for everything; Sam’s marriage, their friendship, his friendship with Tom…

Joe cut off his thoughts as he looked down, realizing what had been pinning his arm down. It was Sam. He recalled her insistence that he stay and his consequent surrender when he wrapped her up in his arms, doing exactly what he had been trying so hard to avoid for so long by giving into his need to hold her, and falling asleep within seconds of pulling her close. He took a second to let his heart soar, embracing the reality that he finally got to hold her. He quickly realized, however, that this was not something he wanted to face right now. If only for a second he needed to escape to assuage his guilt. It was probably best if he disappeared before Sam woke up. Maybe she wouldn’t quite remember what happened and they could avoid any lingering awkwardness.

He carefully moved Sam’s head off of his arm and slipped as slowly and silently to the floor as he could. He had kicked off his shoes right by the nightstand and his wallet and keys were stuffed inside of them. He assumed it’d be better to just take his shoes downstairs and put them on instead of risking making noise with his keys. He decided it was best to just go and not take a moment to look over at Sam, because chances were once he laid eyes on her he would want to just crawl back in bed with her. Instead he walked carefully over to the door and left, leaving it open a crack so he wouldn’t have to shut it all the way. Once he made his way downstairs he walked toward the living room to make sure he hadn’t left anything when a flash of red hair startled him.

“Holy shit, Emma, you scared me.”

Emma smirked at him, looking so much like Tom that it made him chuckle a bit. “It’s Wednesday morning. Where did you think I’d be?”

Joe laughed at this comment. “Good point.” He tried to think of an excuse as to why he was still there but before he had to worry about it long, Emma turned and headed into the kitchen, obviously unfazed that he was there that early. There were only a couple of steps between him and the door, where he could run out and head home, take a shower, clear his head and just figure things out before his feelings got in front of him and he lost control. He was usually able to keep it from being too obvious but lately it felt like he was slipping. He didn’t think he was taking advantage of Sam’s vulnerability but it could have been happening without him even really realizing it.

He was only steps away from freedom but he chose instead to turn and follow Emma into the kitchen. He had no idea why he was doing it. He just felt compelled to stay. Sam didn’t deserve to wake up alone anymore, physically or otherwise. He didn’t care what the rules were. He was going to be here for his best friend whether it was right or not. Tom was her husband and he should be the one doing this, but that was not Joe’s fault.

Emma didn’t even pause for a second when she saw that Joe had followed her. She had simply gone and grabbed the orange juice from the fridge as well as a yogurt and an apple. She settled into a bar stool after pouring herself a glass of juice and finally, after taking a drink, spoke.

“Hey, Uncle Joe?”

Joe was caught off guard by this but it managed to spur him into action. He walked over to the island opposite Emma and lifted himself onto it. “What’s up?” he asked her.

“When do you think my dad will be home?” she averted her gaze while she asked this.

“Um, well, I’m not sure,” he answered her, wanting to be honest. Guilt rose in his chest when he remembered his previous conversation with Tom and his confusion over whether to share it or keep it secret. Whatever the implication for his keeping the secret, it didn’t apply here. He wasn’t going to be sharing this information with Tom’s daughter anyway. Shoving it to the back of his mind yet again, he refocused on Emma and tried to figure out a good way for him to reword his answer to make her feel better. He noticed that she looked a bit crestfallen but was trying, unsuccessfully, to mask it.

“Honestly, Ems, I really don’t know for sure. The last time I talked to him he said that the storm had hit the island and that meant that all the flights in the area were grounded. But fortunately for us, major airlines don’t stay grounded for long. They figure out a way to get clearance to go up as soon as possible because they want to be making money,” he stopped short for a moment, unintentionally going into one of his political tirades. He shook it off once again, continuing. “More than likely, if this storm is short, they’ll only keep the planes on the ground for a couple of days, three maximum. I’d say it’s safe to bet on him being here by the weekend.”

Emma’s dark eyes brightened momentarily and then she seemed to find herself again. Again, Joe found this a little odd but he wasn’t going to question it. Emma was a bit private when it came to things like that and it would be a waste of breath to ask her what was going on. Joe sat uneasily for a minute or two before he moved to jump down off of the counter. Just as he started to scoot down, Emma looked back up at him, those swirling espresso bean eyes she shared with Sam just poring into him. How could he move a muscle when he was staring into eyes so like hers?

“I haven’t really been able to talk to my dad a lot lately,” she said softly. Joe had to lean forward to hear her she was speaking so quietly. He wanted to show her he was actively listening but at the same time didn’t want to say a word for fear that she would stop talking completely. “I don’t know… Everything that’s going on with him and Mom, it just doesn’t seem like…”

Joe’s eyebrows shot up. He was surprise to hear Emma talking about the problems between Tom and Sam, but he couldn’t blame her for commenting. It had gotten really ridiculous as of late. “Doesn’t seem like what?” he breathed. At this point he was so invested in where the conversation was going that he forgot to stay quiet. “You can talk to me, Ems, you know I’ve got your back.”

Emma took a deep breath before she continued, like she was gathering the last of her courage to blurt it all out. When she opened her mouth, it all came out very quickly. “It doesn’t seem like Dad wants to be around Mom much anymore, and because I’m so much like Mom, or something, I don’t know…”

Joe felt his body run a bit cold when he heard the desperate inflection in her voice, as though she was begging him to tell her that she was completely off about her assumption. She was, of course. Tom wouldn’t deliberately avoid spending time with his daughters, regardless of how upset he was with Sam. Joe knew this for a fact. Tom adored his daughters above everything else and if Emma was feeling ignored or neglected, it was definitely not something Tom was actively trying to do.

“Ems, what would ever make you think that your dad doesn’t want to spend time with you? It doesn’t matter what’s going on with him and your mom, it has nothing to do with you or your sister. You should always know that.”

She shrugged, taking everything in with an air of nonchalance, as though this problem wasn’t bugging her enough to go confessing it. “I guess.”

“No, you know, you’re just fourteen,” he said with a laugh, hopping down from the counter and turning to the fridge. If he was going to stay for a while, he was going to eat. Before Emma said anything in response he heard someone else shuffle into the kitchen, yawning.

“Hi, Uncle Joe!” Izzie said brightly behind him. He looked over his shoulder and saw her standing there, already fully dressed and ready for school, her long straight hair in an easy ponytail at the back of her neck. She looked so much like Sam, especially when she wore her hair like this, and Joe couldn’t help himself. He grinned widely, imagining Sam at that age.

“Good morning, Iz,” he said. “All ready for school?”

“Of course,” she answered simply, walking over to the counter and lifting herself into a barstool next to her sister. “Since you’re here…” she began, and in the inflection he could tell she was about to ask him for something. He turned around and raised his dark eyebrows at her, noticing that she looked a bit sheepish.

“Joe-cakes for breakfast, then?” he asked. As soon as he said this, the fourteen and seven year old in front of him instantly became wide eyed children again, nodding emphatically. Joe had one particular breakfast item he was quite good at, and that was pancakes. Not only did they taste great, but he could pour them into just about any shape requested. That was the reason for their popularity. It had been a long time since he’d made them.

“I want a star, Uncle Joe!”

“Can I get an ‘E’ for Emma?”

“Girls, I have to mix the batter first!”

“Hurry, I’m hungry!”

Joe just rolled his eyes and set to work right away, making sure he got all the necessary ingredients out and starting as soon as possible. The last thing he needed was a hoard of hungry women descending on him. It was a fun time, and after a little while Joe’s worries started to fade from his mind. Anything that had happened the night before was long gone or didn’t need to be concerned with right now. What mattered was this, here, this domestic bliss. It shouldn’t suit him this well, what with all his opinions and misgivings about marriage and settling down, but he was genuinely enjoying himself.

He was focusing on getting the pancakes up at precisely the right moment when he heard the girls behind him both greet, “Good morning, Mom!”

Joe’s memory instantly slid back to the day before, remembering all of the reasons he was supposed to have left when he did. He squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lower lip, hoping that somehow they would figure a way out of this. He had no idea what he was turning around and facing. He wasn’t sure how he was going to handle himself, but he knew it had to come sooner or later.

So he slowly turned his head over his shoulder until he spotted her. That was the precise moment that the tides turned and his fear melted away. Seeing Sam standing there, looking ruffled and sleepy but as bewitching as a goddess, haloed by the morning sunlight just made it more obvious to him why he was here. It dispelled his fears instead of compounding them, which seemed odd, giving how intimate their night had been.

It wasn’t until she met his gaze and gave him a wide, loving smile that he was able to completely relax and come back to himself. He looked down at the pancakes and shouted, “Soup’s on, girls!”

The rest of the morning went on as easily as if it was any other day. Joe never mentioned what happened the night before and neither did Sam. He figured if she didn’t have a problem with it or felt that it needed mentioning at all, he wouldn’t either. They crowded the girls into Sam’s vehicle and dropped them off at school. Once they got back to the house, there was almost an awkward pause when they got into the house and Sam asked him a favor.

“I’d really appreciate it if you stayed for a couple more nights,” she whispered to him, closing her eyes as though the very question pained her but she absolutely had to ask it.

Joe was surprised, to say the least. There had still been no discussion of what happened the night before and he didn’t know if there would be. This was teetering awfully close, however. He didn’t know how to respond to this request, so he simply floundered for a second before Sam opened her eyes in horror.

“I should not have asked you that, I am so sorry,” she said, her voice barely a squeak. His heart broke as he watched the terror flit around in her eyes as he tried his hardest to even find the beginning of one word to reply. He hated knowing that he made her feel this way. “I can’t believe that, of course you can’t stay…”

This was when he found his tongue. “No, no, it’s fine, I can stay,” he said, trying not to sound as eager as he felt. Above all of the other things he was feeling right then, the main thing was that he didn’t want to lose Sam. Regardless of what happened, he couldn’t lose her.

“Are you sure?” she asked, her eyebrows were raised in surprise but her dark coffee eyes were brimming with gratitude.

“Of course!” he nodded, trying to not sell the idea too hard while remaining convincing. “I just…” It didn’t take long for it to hit him that what he was doing was wrong. He was trying hard to spend the night with a married woman. A woman that happened to be married to his good friend. He should have been turning her down flat and yet here he was, insisting that he could stay with her. What was he trying to do? 

He took a moment to collect himself before he continued on. “I just need to go home and grab a few things before I stay here,” he told her, wryly keeping, “and collect my sanity,” to himself.

Joe vowed to Sam that he wouldn’t be gone long and then they would figure out what it was they wanted to do with the girls that night. He was giving himself this short trip home to really wade through his thoughts and decide whether or not this was all worth crossing the line for. He knew he’d make the right decision, but he wasn’t sure who this decision was exactly right for.

His mind raced with the possible outcomes in this moral quandary. He knew that whatever road he took someone would walk away with a broken heart, and in the end it was almost always him. If he chose to leave Sam for good, chose to accept that she would never leave Tom for him, or chose to go for it and get rejected, he was always the one left out in the cold. His heart would be the one broken and no good for anyone for the rest of his life, no one else. He knew he would do irreparable damage to Sam, no matter which way it went, and it was entirely possible that she and Tom would never understand why he had left their lives. That was probably the most devastating to him. That for all the years he deeply adored Sam it would have all been forgotten. He would die alone with the knowledge that she was his everything.

The need to express it to her probably overwhelmed every other feeling that encompassed him. It was louder than the guilt, more insistent than the pain, and it was definitely more annoying than the confusion. There was nothing stopping him from laying it all out on the line. He just had to find the appropriate moment.

And that could be years away…

Once Joe collected all of his things at the house, including some of his work just in case he needed to get a bit done tomorrow, he got back in his car and immediately headed to Sam’s. He thought he had come to a reasonable conclusion about everything earlier, but something was still nagging at the back of his mind. He decided it couldn’t hurt to take a look at whatever it was, and when he finally came around to it, he knew he was being stupid. For some reason, his brain was picking up all of those tucked away memories of the night before, like the kiss that almost happened, the tenderness in their embrace, the intimacy in falling asleep in each other’s arms… Not once did Sam object to it. Not once did she back away and tell him that it was too far and demand that he walk away. Not once… And that led him to believe that there just might be something… something that Sam wasn’t showing him on the surface of her eyes, something she was keeping hidden, too…

But that was stupid. Sam and Tom were soul mates and there was nothing as inconsequential as his profession of love to break that up. Even if Sam was having those thoughts about him, there was no way she would ever cheat on Tom in any way. She would keep a safe distance, nip those thoughts in the bud and refuse to let them go any further. She wouldn’t let herself physically or emotionally betray her husband. She was a good woman.

Which, in the most frustrating of ironies, only made him love her more.

After he arrived at Sam’s they kept so busy and distracted during the rest of the night that he didn’t have time to return to those thoughts. He and Sam did some chores around the house before it was time to get the girls from school, and from there they ordered pizza and found a ton of different games to play. Each one of them got to pick a game and Joe noticed, with a bit of a giggle, that Monopoly was not one of the games chosen. He remembered Sam’s severe aversion to the game, especially following the last time they had played it when Tom had made his wife cry. That had been a little over a year ago.

He didn’t think it was possible that they would all stay awake and interested enough to go through all four games but he underestimated just how much fun they could have. It had been a while since he’d been able to let the weight of his burden lift for a bit so that he could completely let go and have fun. The girls had chosen some fun, if not repetitive stuff, and Sam of course had chosen Trivial Pursuit, but he felt as though going with an old classic would probably be the most fun.

“This feels like it’s going to be a disaster,” Sam warned as she sat down on the couch. She leaned over and grabbed the large Twister board, sitting back against the pillows. “You realize these children are quite a bit younger than you, Joseph?”

Joe simply grinned at her. “Yeah, but this old man takes care of himself,” he said, cracking his neck and limbering himself up a bit. “I still have the stamina. Let’s do this.”

Izzie and Emma were looking a little skeptical, having never played the game before, but were willing to give it a try. Izzie was the first to go, being the youngest, and her first command was ‘right hand blue.’ She did as she was told, giggling the whole time. Emma was next, receiving ‘left foot red.’ The girls were already tight against each other on the mat.

Joe grinned widely after Sam called out, “Left hand green.” He winked at the girls, his own special brand of trash talking two kids. He was on the other side of the board, squatting down and hovering there with ease as the next two moves were doled out, a ‘left hand red’ for Izzie and a particularly nasty ‘right hand yellow’ for Emma. By this time, Izzie was bent over across one half of the map and Emma was stretched across the other. Joe knew that things were about to get interesting when he heard his next move, ‘right foot blue.’ He stood up, turning his body around so as not to knock into Izzie or Emma and make them fall, and he extended his long leg over to the blue side. Now, they were all stretched across the board and things were close to getting interesting.

A couple of moves later and Joe was correct. They were all twisted up and around each other, wobbling like crazy as each of them continued to master the difficult moves they were given by Sam. Joe was having a great time and he knew the girls were as well. No one could stop laughing or giggling at something, and finally, after what felt like a good deal of time later, Emma finally slipped, falling right onto her butt and knocking Izzie out from under her. They fell in a heap, laughing raucously together.

Joe jumped up, victorious, trying to boast that he wasn’t ‘as old as he looked,’ so Emma decided to challenge him. He was overjoyed that she was getting into the spirit, anxious to accept her dare, but Izzie surprised all three of them when she popped up from the mat and ran over to Sam.

“Can I do the spinner, Mom?” she begged.

“Yeah, Mom, come play with me and Uncle Joe!” Emma insisted in a tone that was nearly impossible to resist. Joe knew Sam wanted to, he could see the trepidation in her eyes, but she still agreed and stood up, walking over slowly to the mat. She adjusted her shirt, fixed her hair into a high ponytail that made her look like an adorable cheerleader, and stood next to him. Joe wanted desperately to look down at her and give her an encouraging smile, but he wasn’t sure he had the strength in him to conjure such a smile right now.

“Okay, Emma’s first!” Izzie declared. She flicked the spinner and cried out, “Right hand green!” Emma bent forward on the outer edge of the mat. “Who’s next?”

“That’d be your Mom,” Joe answered quickly. He noticed Sam look up at him, giving him yet another grateful smile. Izzie was unfazed. She flicked the spinner again, giving Sam her move, ‘left hand yellow.’ Sam walked to the opposite end of the mat that Emma was on and bent down to put her hand on the mat. After Joe received his first move, ‘right foot blue,’ he felt the apprehension starting to creep like ice water through his veins, leaving him feeling cold and uneasy about what they were doing. He hadn’t meant to end up in a possibly compromising situation with Sam. His game choice had been innocent enough. The girls had declared that they’d never played this iconic game, and since Tom and Sam had it in the basement, he decided it was worth the girls’ time to play this at least one time. He knew it would be fun.

Now things were about to get very dangerous very quickly. Move after move, Joe watched as the plastic mat became increasingly confused and crowded as the game wore on. His heart hammered in his chest, harder than was comfortable. He was sure that everyone could hear it, but no one commented. They were all too focused on the game. Sam was occasionally helping Emma find a comfortable spot to move to, trying to ensure that her challenge against Joe was not unfounded. Joe was okay with Sam helping her. He knew it was distracting her from his obvious struggle while they played.

The game was looking like it was about to wind down after Emma decided she was feeling a little unsteady in her current position. Joe started to breathe a sigh of relief, but she was quickly given another move that helped her regain her balance. Right after that, though, things went from nerve racking to downright terrifying when Izzie called out her next move for Sam. “Right hand yellow!”

Joe felt the bottom drop out in his stomach. He had one foot on a green spot, one on a yellow as well as one hand, and another hand on blue. His current position was bent forward with his arms crossed in front of him. Emma was occupying two yellow spots at the other end of the mat with her feet, bending forward, her hands stretched out to her blue and red spot respectively. This left one close open yellow spot in between Emma and Joe. And Sam now had to squeeze onto it.

Sam was positioned next to Joe on the mat, almost fully occupying the red and blue by herself. She had gotten a lucky streak after breaking from the green and yellow side of the mat. Now the tide had turned and she was going to be creeping back over the board. Unfortunately, this new position would bring her hand down right in front of Joe’s head, and Sam, because of the position of her left foot, would have no choice but to turn around and come face to face with him. They would be mere inches away from one another.

Joe’s blood pumped erratically in his veins, his breath coming in shorter and shorter. He could feel her tense next to him a bit as she started to crawl forward. She was close enough to breathe in, every single beautiful thing about her totally filling his lungs and tugging the strings of his heart. He went a little dizzy, so surrounded by her, but came back to himself just as quickly. He had to have his wits about him, because now she was here, her huge dark eyes staring into him as though she was trying to read his mind.

He didn’t want her to know what he was thinking so he avoided her gaze as best he could. This was only going to be a quick second because more than likely his next move would cause him to turn away from her. But this was the longest second of his life. Just before Izzie told him to move back to the green side of the board, he brought his eyes down to meet Sam’s one more time. She was staring at his lips but the moment she knew he was looking, her skin went pale and her lips clamped tight. Confused, he stared at her and tried to regain her focus before he had to move away but he was unable to do so.

Whatever he’d caught Sam doing that night was never mentioned again and Sam acted as though nothing strange had happened. They were finished with Twister soon after, the exhaustion of a full night finally catching up to them. The girls wanted to continue for a little while but both were having trouble getting through an entire sentence without yawning.

“Let’s go, girls,” Sam said, ushering them up the stairs. “We’ll get ready for bed together.” She turned to Joe then, giving him a weary smile. “I’ll be down in a minute, if you want to grab yourself a pillow and blanket from the linen closet, go ahead.”

As Sam turned to ascend the stairs, Joe couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit let down. He really didn’t think it was a good idea for him to spend the night in Sam’s bed again, on Tom’s side of the bed, no less, but somehow he had allowed himself to hope. Just for a quick, irrational moment.

He retrieved the necessary items and set himself up on the couch. Luckily this piece of furniture was large and comfortable and he never had a complaint when he slept on it. He knew this was going to be a long few days, especially if he allowed himself to keep thinking that the most impossible things were at all within his reach.

While he waited for Sam to come down he drifted off into a less than restful sleep, anticipating and worrying about what was to come in the next few days. It wasn’t until just before he drifted off that he realized that Tom could be home at any moment and his time with Sam would be cut short.

Needless to say, his rest was not restful.

The next day proved to be fairly uneventful after the girls were off to school. Sam decided it was probably a good idea if they both get some work done, since they had been putting it off for the past few days and Joe readily agreed. However as they made this decision they both noticed that it was a particularly beautiful day, one that was said to be the last one for the next few days when they were supposed to get a fairly large amount of rain. The moment Sam pointed this out, Joe was anxious to get them out of the house.

“I really need to get some work done,” she told him. “I can’t put it off anymore, plus I want tomorrow night free. The girls will both be gone.”

“Good point,” Joe said, puzzled. “But we’re not cooping ourselves up in the house when we’re not going to have sunshine for the next three days.”

“It’s really not that big a deal. Working is probably a little more important,” Sam insisted.

“Nope, I’m going to figure this out,” Joe told her. Sam rolled her eyes, still unconvinced until finally Joe came up with the perfect idea. “What about that new park they just opened up?”

“You mean the one they just finished construction on?” she scoffed.

“Yeah, that one. What do you say?”

Sam stopped and actually considered it. “That’s probably not a bad idea,” he waited a moment and then saw her get really into the idea. “Yeah, we’ll grab a blanket and I’ll make up a lunch for us to take. I can see getting my work done a lot more easily in the sunshine than in my dark, dumb office.”

“I thought that was your sanctuary?” he teased her.

“Screw that, let’s go to the park,” was her only response before they were gathering things together and heading out to the park. Joe and Sam wandered around a little bit after parking before they found the perfect spot to settle in so they could get to work. It took them a few minutes to get situated but once they were, they fell into a comfortable, relaxed silence. Joe felt the hours slipping by him as he sit on the blanket, propped up against a tree they had camped near. Sam was lying next to him on her stomach, plucking away at her laptop ferociously. She wasn’t looking up for anything and he was glad she was getting some work done. Occasionally they’d break the silence to ask what time it was, ask for a water from the bag or something to eat, but for the most part they stayed quiet.

Not too long after they finished off all of the food Sam had packed they both realized it was getting close to the time when they would have to pick up the girls from school. It was as good a time as any to pack it in.

Everything about this day seemed completely perfect for Joe. He was doing something productive and distracting while also   
spending some fantastic quality time with his best friend. It hadn’t escaped his attention just how affectionate Sam had become. He wasn’t sure quite what to make of it, but he wasn’t fighting it, either, although he probably should have been. Once they had everything packed up and were heading back across the park to the car, she took his hand and closed the gap between them, squeezing his fingers. There was a struggle unlike any he had ever known trying to fight the urge to just reach down and pull her against him, cramming his lips against hers in a ferocity that was so unreal and raw that it hurt both of them deeply.

He managed to resist it, though.

Sam was not saying much. He wished just for that insane second that he could read her mind. He was so desperate to know what the hell she was thinking about. If he could just have the tiniest insight maybe he would know where to correctly categorize his own thoughts.

They approached a long, arched wooden bridge that went across the river cutting right through the park. On the other side of the bridge it was a short walk to the cars, but they always stopped here. Sam loved everything about this bridge. She loved the view, the architecture, the old fashioned black lamps, even the small wooden bench placed precisely on the side with the best view right between two of those lamps. She insisted on sitting here every single time, just to take it all in and enjoy the scenery. They had only been here a handful of times but it was always an absolute guarantee.

As they settled into the bench, Joe noticed a bright yellow flier on the tall lamp right next to them. He read it aloud to Sam. “‘Movie night in the park, Friday, May twelfth, nine o’clock p.m. Presenting The Wizard of Oz.’”

Sam gasped next to him. “They’re showing The Wizard of Oz here tomorrow night? Can we go?” she squeaked excitedly. Joe turned to look at her, saw her bright eyes gleaming with anticipation and he knew there was no way he could deny her.

“Absolutely.”

“Oh that sounds like fun! I love this park, and I love the company, so this is absolutely perfect!” she said gleefully, bouncing up and down and clapping her hands. “You know it’s funny, I keep forgetting to get upset about the fact that I haven’t heard from Tom in two days… I’m just having such a good time… I know he’ll be home when he can, but it’s really not even occurring to me to miss him. Weird.”

Sam gave Joe’s hand an excited pat and jumped up after that, moving to the other side of the bridge to stare out over the coursing river underneath her. Joe didn’t follow her right away. He took a moment to watch her, appreciating everything about her as she stared out over the park. She was such a beautiful woman, heart, body, and soul. There was not one ugly thing about her. She wasn’t overly glamorous or pampered like so many of the other women he knew in California, she was real. Sam had no misconception about who she was. She was so comfortable in her own skin and it was probably one of the most attractive things about her. She embraced the messiness of being a wife and mother, used to the unpredictability of an ever changing life. She wore her emotions on the surface, unaffected by the many disappointments in her life. Anyone else would have carefully guarded those emotions, afraid that someone would come along and devastate them once again. Not Sam Chance. She was who she was no matter what.

And he loved her so much that it hurt him to breathe.

It didn’t matter what happened after Tom came home, because if nothing else, he would always have this. He would have these last few idyllic days with Sam, uninterrupted by the realities of their lives outside of this bubble. He could deny it for just a day longer, if that’s all he had. It didn’t matter, because past this, there was nothing more they could share that was ever going to be this intimate, and he knew that.

Right then, she turned to him, her deep delicious eyes sparkling brilliantly as she waved him over, shooting him one of those special grins that made his knees weak. It took him an extra second to gather the strength to stand up and join her. She wrapped an arm around him and rested her head against his arm and he knew implicitly that there was no way this could continue without one of two things happening.

He was either going to have to tell her how he felt, finally… Or he was going to have to walk away.

He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to do either.


	11. Chapter 11 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

“This is the one thing that you and I have in common that I can truly appreciate,” I say to my husband, snuggling into his arms on the huge, roomy couch. “We are both fantastically obsessed with movies.”

“That we are and I will always appreciate that about us,” he agrees, placing a quick kiss on my cheek. “Are you ready to start?”  
I do a mental check before we I can give him an affirmative response. The house is settled and quiet for the night. It has been an awfully long day. Tom hasn’t left for business in a while and we always make sure to take advantage of the time given us when we are lucky enough to have it. Emma recently had an art show at her school in which she had not one, not two, but three pieces selected by her art teacher to display at the show. Every student that enters gets at least a participation ribbon, but there are first, second, and third place ribbons in different categories. We were ecstatic and glowing with pride when Emma received a second place ribbon on one of her pieces. Her other two didn’t place, but it was exciting nonetheless, considering there were so many other older more experienced students that had submitted art as well.

On top of the art show we had tonight, Izzie has also started after school soccer (in an effort to be more like Daddy, I assume). There had been a small scrimmage today and she was excited for us to come watch her. Tom was on his feet the whole time, yelling and clapping for her. It was an adorable sight, to be honest, seeing this fully grown adult jumping up and down while his four year old daughter fumbled on the field, trying to remember the rules of the sport. I feel as though Izzie playing soccer is less for Izzie and more for Tom. It brings a little bit of home to him.

Needless to say it has been a long, taxing day. I spent my entire day writing and trying to meet yet another deadline. Tom, because he had some time off at the moment, took hold of all of the chores that are usually left to me so I could get some work done. He took the girls to school, cleaned the house, and even made me lunch so I wouldn’t forget to do, which tends to happen when I’m deep into my writing. He was absolutely perfect today and I have decided to reward him with whatever activity he’d like.

Other than the most obvious choice (which would be acted out later when we made it to our bedroom), Tom had chosen a movie night. The girls were tucked into bed, teeth brush, homework done, tummies full, and now it was adult time.

Tom and I always enjoy our adult time. We try and make sure that we set aside at least some time in the evenings for each other, if only for an hour or two. It is something we’ve gotten into the habit of doing from the moment Tom joined our family so many years ago. Because he was thrust into parenthood without any warning or practice, we had to figure out our relationship as we went but so far everything was going well.

I curl my short legs up under me as I scoot back onto the couch. I am precariously balancing a mug of spiked hot chocolate in one hand. Tom is not quite settled next to me, waiting for me to get arranged before he presses ‘play’ on the remote, which he has control over, as usual. I truly thought that Tom wouldn’t fall into that stereotype, being British, but men were still men, I suppose. I try not to smirk at this thought because Tom is watching me intently… well, he’s watching my mug intently, trying to determine whether or not it’s going to spill and if he should swoop in for the save. More than likely, this hot chocolate will end up all down my shirt if I keep moving around much more.

“I’ll have that,” he says, quickly taking the mug out of my hand just as I try and yank my foot out from between the couch cushions.

“Sorry, babe,” I tell him, giving him a sweet, apologetic smile and making sure to make my eyes nice and big. It always works and this time is no exception. He takes one look at me and that knee weakening grin spreads across his face and he giggles a bit at me.

“You’re incredibly lucky,” he responds as he sets the mug down on the coffee table in front of him.

“Why is that? Because you caught that in time?” I ask him, unable to suppress the smile on my own face as I scoot closer to him and reach up to gently scratch my fingers down his broad back. “Or because you can’t resist my puppy dog eyes?”

“Both,” he says, turning his head to lean in for a kiss. We are both smiling as we embrace, I can feel it in the turn of his lips as he takes me in. I really start to enjoy myself because I was not expecting the kiss to be this deep. I can tell by the mere movement of his lips that he is not intending for us to start this movie anytime soon, but I am completely up for it. I just hope one of the girls doesn’t decide they need something in the next few minutes.

Tom quickly breaks from my lips to set the remote down before he turns back to me, giving me his full attention now. He parts his lips and I follow suit, tentatively poking my tongue against his. He takes this as a sign to deepen the kiss even further and I let him do just that, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and tangling my fingers into the curls at the nape of his neck. He’s let his hair grow out a little longer than he likes so I take full advantage of it. I love the way his red locks feel wrapped around my fingers.

One impressive thing about Tom is that it didn’t take him very long at all to figure out that with young children in the house, any fun adult time has to be carried out quickly or not at all. Even when they’re asleep it is best to keep to this rule. Tom is already pushing into me, trying to get me to flatten back against the couch. I let him guide me into his embrace, because I know that things are about to get physical and I am more than happy to let it happen.

Once I am lying flat on the couch and Tom is pressed over me, he pulls his lips away from mine and stares down into my eyes. Whenever we are wrapped in this familiar dance, I find that the shimmering blue of Tom’s eyes is even brighter, gleaming against the green. That bright shining I always see is obviously a chemical reaction to his obvious arousal, but it takes my breath away nonetheless. It doesn’t matter how many times we do this, how well we know the curve of one another’s bodies at this point, his eyes always do something to me. Ever since we came back together he always makes sure to appreciate me right before we unite our bodies in that special way that I only do with my Tom.

“You are so beautiful it hurts,” he whispers to me, pushing stray hairs back as he lets those glittering Caribbean eyes sweep my face. “How did I ever get so lucky?”

“You were in the right place at the right time.”

“I was where I was supposed to be, love.” His smile is small and sweet but I know he means it as he leans down to give me a small, sensuous kiss. My heart swells as I remember my British mystery man so many years ago, standing there in his dashing black suit, his curly hair untamed and wonderful, still dark like Loki’s. The mere thought of him made my mouth water, but more than that, it is the feeling associated with it. The feeling I somehow always manage to recall whenever I think of him that first time I saw him. It was like I somehow knew that my life was about to change in a very real way. I didn’t know then, of course, that this man was going to change everything about me. I didn’t know after our short encounter that I would become a mother and that I would forever have a different outlook on life and love. Tom did more than enter my life and give me Emma. He took my broken heart and not only mended it, but rewired it. I was different after Tom.

I am still different because of Tom.

“What are you thinking of?” he whispers to me, his lips close to my ear as he places soft kisses against my cheek and neck.

I suppress the loud moan I want to make, my fingers digging into his hair deeply. He is crushing himself against me so insistently that I feel the outline of his hard, ready manhood, and I find myself wondering why he is bothering with small talk when it is so obvious he’s anxious to get started. Instead of questioning this, I close my eyes and remember that man in the bar, who with one unassuming smile and an offer to buy me a drink, I was forever a different person. Only someone so powerfully meaningful to you can change everything about you for the better.

So instead of sighing and omitting what I am thinking to get our love making started, I open my eyes and gently place my hand on his cheek until he stops and looks down into me. He smiles, the lines around his eyes etched ever further. I cannot deny him a thing.

“I’m thinking of you, and only you,” I answer him, watching his expression soften as I speak. “Forever.”  
 

Sammy: Now

 

Sammy had one thought as she opened her eyes that Friday morning. A thought that was sobering, startling, and guilt ridden all at once.

Tom had not crossed her mind in the last day and a half at least.

She had completely forgotten to be upset about the fact that she hadn’t spoken to him in days, and she had almost zero recollection of the content of that last conversation. She was roughly aware that it hadn’t ended with her feeling loved and missed, but instead frustrated and neglected. Sammy had tried so hard not to think about it that it must have escaped her mind completely.

She felt awful for forgetting to miss her husband but the situation leading up to his departure and his subsequent lack of contact during his trip had made it easier to bury her head from the problems. She didn’t want to even begin to consider what was going to happen when he came back and she still wasn’t sure when that was going to be. It had been four days since the storm hit the island and for the first couple of days she had been diligently checking the internet just to see the status. She knew that the storm was finally starting to drizzle away but she wasn’t sure if the airlines had started opening flights back up yet.

As before, she had completely forgotten about it, which also included checking the internet. It was very possible that Tom was on a flight right now.

This thought did not help at all. Sammy wished she could be excited for her husband’s return but she was honestly dreading it. Tom being home meant sitting down and having a long, tedious discussion about their relationship and what they were going to do to fix it. Sammy didn’t know if she really had it in her to have this conversation again.

She had been serious when she warned Tom that night… that last night when she had escaped to go to dinner with Joe and then had come home to the news that Tom was leaving… She had even specified that it was not a threat, that she was just so tired, so tired of fighting with him and trying to get him to see reason… If he wasn’t going to make an effort to talk to her and communicate with her besides this constant irrational arguing, she wasn’t going to try anymore. She told him that one of these times she was just going to give up…

Sammy remembered warning him that the second he saw this happen, the moment he noticed that she had given up was the moment he should know that things had gone from terrible to nearly irreparable. He had pushed it anyway after she had told him that things were getting bad and that she wasn’t willing to fight anymore. Tom had taken it a step too far and then he had fled.

It was what he was good at, running away.

Sammy stared at her ceiling, the distant morning sounds filtering up to her from the kitchen. She was aware that both of the girls were awake and she thought she could hear Joe but she wasn’t quite sure if he was awake yet. It didn’t take her long to assess that he was awake. She heard him laugh, followed by the girlish giggles of her daughters. She assumed he was in there whipping something up for them for breakfast. They both knew that the girls would not be coming home from school tonight, so they had the full day to each other.

So many different thoughts slammed into her at once that she lost the ability to breathe for a second. She was so heavily burdened with the guilt of not missing her husband but the confusion of desperately wishing she could see him again. All of this was compounded by fear; fear that she would finally have to face her husband and actually communicate about their marriage and fear that he might not bother to talk to her at all. On top of all of this was the sheer exhaustion of even trying to deal with this problem anymore. Would Tom ever change? Would he ever not take off and stay away, duck away from confrontation, hiding from the possibility of facing the very real problems that faced them? Would this pattern of cowardice continue throughout the rest of their marriage or was this something that could be fixed that easily? She doubted that. Deep down, she didn’t really believe people changed who they were. Sure, people grow and learn and mature, but if Tom was running away and hiding from her all those years ago and was repeating the same behavior now, several years into their marriage, then it only held that this was a predetermined, unchanging pattern of behavior.

And then there was Joe. Sammy felt herself smile, closing her eyes and burrowing further under the covers on her bed. No, Joe was not Tom and he never would be, but for the past eight years of their friendship he had been there, whenever she needed him, without question. Even while he was in California and she was in Michigan, he was there for her. He would text her when he was busy, call her when he had a second, and always suggested they video chat if she needed it.

Whenever she asked, he answered and he never complained. She had never met a person so caring, supportive, and loyal in her entire life, and that was the god’s honest truth. It never took him long to get back to her, to be there for her with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. She couldn’t even begin to imagine her life without him anymore.

Maybe he wasn’t Tom, but how did you turn your back on someone who was so fiercely loyal and wonderful? It didn’t matter what was going on in his life, because for Joe it was never about him. It was always about her.

That thought of doubt; the one she hadn’t wanted to let land and take root in her brain was now all of a sudden being chased out by another thought, another realization that she couldn’t quite grasp yet. Her brain was usually a lot better at detecting things like this but all of the stress had somehow turned her mind into a sluggish, slow running mess. She shook it off because like the last one, she didn’t want this thought to formulate fully.

Sammy decided it was probably a better idea to just get out of bed and leave the thinking for later. It didn’t need to take place right now and if she didn’t hurry she wasn’t going to get any breakfast before they had to get into the car.

The morning was already off to a good start. The girls were anxious for their weekends to start, their bags already packed and by the door. Everyone was in good spirits and much to her delight, Sammy saw that Joe had gone out that morning and brought back donuts for everyone. He was having a quiet cup of coffee while the girls talked over each other, telling him how fun their weekends were going to be. Sammy was greeted joyfully and all of her misgivings were erased in this single moment of happiness. Joe gave her a happy, hopeful smile over his mug and the girls didn’t even bother stopping before they launched into their excited tirades, their voices just mingling into one mess of tangled screeches and barely audible words. Not even bothering to respond or try and stop them, Sammy strode right over to the coffee pot, still full and quite warm.

“All morning,” Joe whispered to her when she walked past him to get into the fridge.

“I’m sure,” Sammy responded and they shared a private laugh.

This continued all the way to the school, where Sammy had trouble getting a word in edgewise to remind them to behave while they were guests at other peoples’ homes. They finally shut up long enough for her to remind them to call her that night to let her know that they made it there, with the additional directive that Izzie call Saturday and again on Sunday when she needed to be picked up. Emma was coming home Saturday but Sammy knew she would remember to call, being older.

The second the girls disappeared into the school, Sammy was acutely aware that she and Joe were now alone in an eerily silent car, just the two of them. Everything that was going unspoken between them hung in the air, along with the memory of every tense moment they’d shared the past three days. Sammy was suddenly uncomfortable and she tried her hardest to avoid Joe’s gaze. She didn’t know what had brought it on but it was so sudden and so palpable that she knew she had to change the situation immediately.

“Home, then?” she said a little too loudly, clearing her throat and throwing the car into drive.

“Sure,” Joe said, his own voice hoarse. He adjusted himself in his seat and Sammy tried not to notice the far away expression behind his black rimmed glasses. Instead, she paid close attention to the road and didn’t deviate until they pulled back into the house.

The rest of the day was a little easier to get through than that car ride. Once they were at the house they both decided it was best to try and be responsible adults and get a little more work done before they went and had fun later that night. Joe decided to get his work done in the dining room, where it was easier for him to set up and have an entire table to do his work and Sammy retreated into her office, as usual.

She ducked in there and got lost in her work, unaware that several hours had passed before her stomach interrupted her. With a sinking heart, she looked up and realized that Tom was not about to walk in with a wonderful lunch prepared for her. She had gotten so used to this routine that the deviation was really quite jarring. Joe was busy at work and he wasn’t used to this custom. There was no way she could expect him to just step in for Tom.

Then again, wasn’t that what she was expecting?

Sammy shook her head violently to purge that thought fully. There was no way she was going to even begin to entertain the notion that she had feelings for Joe. That was insane. Completely and utterly ridiculous and wrong! It was so, so wrong for her to even be thinking about Joe in that way… He wasn’t her husband. He wasn’t the man who had given her two beautiful daughters, the man who had been her everything for years… but he also wasn’t the man who had stopped talking to her, the man that had abandoned her in her time of need again… Joe wasn’t the man who had stood in front of their friends and family, looked deeply in her eyes, and told her that he would be there for her for the rest of their lives and then reneged on that promise only a short while later.

No, Joe was not that man and she couldn’t ever honestly see him being that man. There was just no way he could do that to her. She didn’t think Joe had it in him to be dishonest or cowardly, to run away when things just got too damned hard.

“Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me right now?” Sammy said aloud to herself. Her brain was supposed to be involved in her work, not on the fantasies of what Joseph Gordon-Levitt was like in a relationship. That was something she didn’t need to worry about. Ever.

And yet these stressed out, affection starved brain cells kept distracting her from what she needed to be focusing on and instead throwing her incredibly distracting imagery and recall. For whatever reason she found herself unable to think of anything but Joe’s simple warm smile, the one that he would give her that touched the corners of his eyes and lit up his entire face. It wasn’t one of overwhelming joy and excitement and it also wasn’t one that was given in passing just to be friendly. No, this was a special smile, one she was sure came so naturally and frequently to him that he didn’t even realize it was what made him Joe. She thought of those lips, turned up in that smile shifting until they were poised, ready and open, just inches above hers…

“This is ridiculous,” she said again, shoving herself back from her laptop and running her hands over her worn face. It wasn’t against the law to have these thoughts and it certainly didn’t mean she had to act on them, but she knew the mere image of kissing Joe in her head was going to make being around him awkward and difficult. She wasn’t about to sacrifice a friendship like this because she was hormonal and lonely.

It had to be all the circumstances of life doing this to her right now. Everything falling the way it was with her marriage and the so obvious absence of her soul mate from her world was not making anything any better. Joe being there consistently was just confusing her. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

And most important, she could not let it be real. Once it was real, everything was over and she was not ready for that to happen. For now, she would just have to accept that she was seeing Joe in a different light because she needed him in a whole different way now. Tom wasn’t there, physically or emotionally to take all of this off of her and Joe was. There was nothing more to it. She was pretty sure Joe was just as confused as she was, spending so much time with his vulnerable, needy friend and getting all kinds of crazy mixed signals. Their relationship had been purely platonic for years and now she was going and upsetting the balance of what they had with other than friendly feelings.

Before things got out of hand she had to stop. Once she crossed that line there was no going back.

Unconvinced that she was going to get anything else done tonight, Sammy saved her work and closed down her computer, getting up and stretching her legs. It was well past lunch time and she was starving. She wasn’t sure if Joe had planned on getting something to eat before they went to the movie so instead of wondering, she decided to go out to the dining room to talk to him about the evening.

“Hey there, beautiful,” Joe greeted congenially when he spotted her. Against her better judgment, Sammy felt her heart skip a beat and she simply grinned in response. “Calling it a day?”

She shrugged, taking a seat next to him at the table. “I can’t really get refocused. I’m too hungry.”

“Same here,” he agreed, setting his pen down and sitting back in the chair. “I was just about to come in and ask what you wanted for lunch.”

Again, Sammy felt her heart lurch but she didn’t want to acknowledge it so she shook it off and continued on, uninterrupted. “Yeah, I just got in the zone and forgot to stop for food.”

“Is it really three already?”

“Yeah, I think we’ve missed lunch.”

“Well,” Joe said, crossing his arms and pursing his lips, trying to figure something out. Sammy couldn’t tear her eyes away from his lips. “What did you have in mind for dinner?”

“Um, food. Nourishment,” Sammy said with a noncommittal shrug, finally able to tear her eyes away from his mouth. She chided herself and swore she wasn’t going to get distracted that easily from now on.

“Such a smart ass,” he commented wryly, shaking his head at her. “I didn’t have anything in mind. Would you like to go out for dinner?”

“Do you feel like cooking?”

“No, not really.”

“Neither do I,” Sammy said with a satisfied smirk. “So I guess that answers our question.”

“Great,” Joe said. “That was more decisive than usual. I’m not even going to bother asking where you want to go because I know you’re not going to pick. I’ll just do that.”

“Probably a good idea,” she said. “I’m so hungry I can’t pick one place, they all sound amazing.”

“When do you want to go?”

“Um,” Sammy pulled her phone out of her pocket and saw that it was just about three-thirty. “We can go as soon as you want. I know the movie doesn’t start until nine, so that gives us plenty of time…”

“You know we’ll want to get there about an hour ahead of time to find a good spot,” he reminded her. “These things can fill up pretty quickly.”

“In California, maybe,” Sammy interjected. “This is Michigan. People don’t turn out in droves like they do out there. There aren’t enough people here, period.”

“Good point, but what else do we have going on?”

“Touché,” she replied. “Well, I’ll just go ahead and jump in the shower so I can start getting ready to go.”

“That works,” he acquiesced.

“Awesome,” she said, standing up from the table. “Shit, I’m hungry, though.”

“Oh, here,” Joe reached across the table in front of him and handed her half of what appeared to be a peanut butter sandwich. “I forgot to eat the other half of this.”

Sammy appraised the sandwich and wasn’t sure if she was willing to take it from him. It wasn’t that she had an aversion to sharing leftovers, it was more the familiarity of such an act. She didn’t pick off of Joe’s plate. That was something her husband was supposed to let her do.

Then again, he wasn’t here was he?

“It’s peanut butter banana, your highness,” Joe said once he realized Sammy was not just going to take it from him.

“Oh shit,” she said, coming back to herself. She reached for the sandwich and Joe stared at her, confused. “I just zoned out, sorry,” she explained. “I appreciate this, thanks.”

“Everything all right?” he asked.

Sammy tried not to let her blood run cold with the fear of her hidden desires being discovered. She wanted her thoughts to remain her own and she certainly couldn’t tell Joe that her thoughts about him were any less than amicable. She needed to escape to her shower, and quickly. She was sure something was about to show on her face and she had to take a second to gather herself. She was going to be spending the rest of the night with Joe and there couldn’t be an incident.

“I’m fine, just hungry,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’m getting in the shower. Be down soon,” and without further hesitation she turned around and hustled quickly to the stairs. She made her way to her bedroom, closing her door and entering her bathroom not a second too soon. Once she shut this door as well she sighed heavily and sunk to the floor. She buried her face in her hands and didn’t dare lift her head until all of the idiocy worked her way out of it.

But the longer she sat there, trying to get rid of those insane feelings, the longer she realized that it was a fruitless effort. They weren’t just little nagging thoughts in the back of her mind anymore. It was now a pressing, agonizing realization and it was all she could do right now to just suppress it. 

Thankfully, she didn’t feel the need to cry right now. She was sure that would come later. For now all she could do was barricade herself in the bathroom and let all the thoughts wash away so she could just get through the rest of the evening.

The rest of the evening was all she wanted. Sammy Chance-Hiddleston would not get what she wanted tonight.

 

“We’re here an hour early and look, not a soul in sight. I told you, Michigan is different.”

“I still insist that this was a brilliant plan because we have our choice of any spot out here.”

“We have our choice of all spots out here.”

“Quit being a smart ass and find a spot.”

“Quit being a dumb ass and I will.”

“Oh, oh really? Name calling are we?”

“You called me a smart ass!”

“That’s different.”

“You’re different.”

Joe’s response to Sammy was drowned out by their laughter as they walked across the big, vast park where there was not a soul in sight. After dinner, they had come to the park and walked around for a bit before they decided to come find a spot for the movie.

“I like this spot. Good distance from the screen, perfectly centered,” Sammy instructed, pointing at an area she was interested in.

“I’m sold,” Joe said, immediately whipping the blanket out from under his arm and settling it onto the ground. Once he had it arranged and smoothed out as perfect as possible, they both sat down on and set their things down. Then, in unison, they stretched out and lay down right next to each other, their gaze aimed up at the vast black sky and thousands of glistening stars within their direct eyesight.

Sammy closed her eyes and took a deep, relaxing breath. Something about the stars always made her feel so much better. The movie wasn’t due to start for a while and it would probably be another fifteen minutes of this beautiful silence before the other spectators started showing up. This was already proving to be a very long, emotionally taxing day. Sammy just wanted to forget that she was having any kind of not so friendly feelings for Joe, but the longer she was in his proximity, pushing all of her fears out of her head, the worse these feelings became. Because Tom was the center of all her worries right now, any thought of him was gone while she enjoyed family time with Joe, a sweet, supportive man who was not her husband. The guilt weighed so heavily against her that she thought she would choke.

She opened her eyes and gasped, causing Joe to jump, startled. He turned to face her, concern etched into his dark, attractive features. “Are you all right?” he whispered urgently as he stared at her. For a moment she couldn’t catch her breath, staring into Joe’s dark celestial eyes. It calmed her immediately, knowing that at least for one second, to at least one man in this universe, she was all that mattered.

But the moment ended quickly and Sammy knew she was being incredibly stupid. Tom loved her, she knew that, he was just refusing to show her anymore. To her knowledge, Joe had nothing but friendly feelings for her. If he did have feelings for her he certainly didn’t act like it. There may have been a spark out of their shared loneliness, her vulnerability and desire to just be held again… that had to be it. It couldn’t possibly be anything deeper than that, because Tom was her other half, her soul mate, the one person in this universe that made her complete. How could another man even compare?

“I’m fine,” she finally breathed. Something was flying around in her brain again, something that would eventually form into a full thought. Before that could happen, she needed a distraction. “Yeah, yeah, I’m all right, I just uh…” she paused, frowning. She had to get away from these crazy feelings, so the best thing to do would be to try calling Tom, even if she didn’t have any luck. “I think I should go try and see if Tom’s phone is working yet,” she answered quickly, and before she could register the look of devastating bewilderment on Joe’s face, she ducked away and pulled out her cell phone.

She felt awful for making a break for it but she didn’t want to explain herself to Joe. He didn’t need to know that she was broken up over her confusing feelings for him. If he asked her she didn’t know how she could lie to him.

Sammy put the phone up to her ear after punching in Tom’s number. She expected what she usually did, a couple of rings, silence, and then a buzzing in her ear when his number didn’t even connect to his voicemail. She wasn’t sure what kind of signal outage that was because she had never heard anything like that before, but she was sure it was a bad storm. Sammy felt bad for not being more worried about Tom than she had been lately but she knew he was okay, physically. Someone would have been in contact with her by now if Tom had been injured or worse.

Sammy didn’t even want to think about it. She swallowed past the painful lump in her throat and was surprised when she realized Tom’s phone had been ringing continuously. This could have meant nothing in terms of whether or not Tom could receive her call. She didn’t let the fear that he was deliberately screening her call start to fester. Yet.

After a couple of rings Sammy was ready to put the phone back in her purse when she heard a click, indicating that his voice mail had picked up. Her stomach felt heavier and her chest started to tighten in her anxiety, hoping Tom wasn’t deliberately avoiding her call. It wasn’t until his voice mail started that Sammy really felt the weight of her anger collapse around her.

“Hello, you’ve reached Tom. I do apologize for being out of contact of late. Unfortunately I am on location and have little access to cell service. Please leave a message and I will contact you as soon as I possibly can. Thank you, and again, sorry.”

Sammy hung up the phone before the beep ended so she could have a second to process everything. Trying to call Tom had proven a worse idea than anything else she could have done right then. She wasn’t an unreasonable, irrational idiot of a woman. She understood that Tom wasn’t actively avoiding talking to her. If nothing else, he knew she’d be worried about him. And anything short of that voice mail she could forgive, because maybe it wasn’t picking up on his end. He had discovered enough signal to set a new voice message, one he had to have recorded within the last two days, but somehow didn’t have enough signal to call his wife.

There was so much anger and frustration going on inside of her that she didn’t know where to place it. What more could she do to change what had happened to her marriage? Clearly her husband didn’t have anything left for her, and as much as it broke her heart and crushed her soul to think of losing him, she couldn’t see another option. She didn’t want to be unhappy forever.

But how could she lose Tom?

Before she could give it too much thought, Joe’s voice came quietly over her shoulder, asking if everything was all right. Sammy turned her head so he didn’t see her tears before she turned around to face him, but he was too quick for her. He took her hand and spun her around, his face falling the instant he saw the tears in her eyes.

“Do you want to stay for the movie or would you like to go talk?” he whispered, raising his hand to wipe the tears from her cheek. Sammy shivered at the contact but managed to nod in response. Instead of doubling back to grab all of their things, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her away. She didn’t protest. She had a feeling they’d be back in time to watch the movie and they’d only left a blanket behind anyway.

They walked in silence for a minute but eventually found themselves in a separated area with a few of the lamps Sammy loved so much and a water fountain. She broke free from Joe’s embrace and walked over to it, sitting down and wrapping her arms tightly around herself. She wanted to just shrink away from the realities of the world. For a few days she had been able to bury her head in the sand, distract herself from the tragedy that was her marriage, and now she was paying the price for it.

Joe didn’t speak until he sat down on the fountain next to her, so close that she could feel his knee against hers. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Sammy needed no more provocation than that. The words came pouring out and didn’t stop for what felt like hours. After she told Joe what had happened on the phone and all of her thoughts on the matter, she just kept going until things were coming out that she didn’t even realize she was still holding onto. She was bringing up the past, the fights that had led up her marriage being in trouble, the girls and the effect this turbulence was having on them, all of the things that she couldn’t say or do anymore because he just wasn’t there for her anymore.

“I don’t know what went wrong and I wish I could go back in time and just fix all of it,” she was confessing, her face tear streaked and red. Joe had remained silent the entire time. “I mean, if I had to go back and stop it from a certain point, make sure things didn’t just get off on the wrong foot I never would have let Tom leave me in San Diego… I would have told him right away about Emma and everything would have been out there on the table, no lies, no hiding, nothing…” she stopped and gasped when the overwhelming feelings completely overtook her. She almost completely forgot how to speak. “I’m… I’m so sorry… I just…”

“Don’t apologize,” Joe whispered, finally breaking the silence as he reached up around her and squeezed her shoulder. “You obviously have a lot to get off your chest. You can talk as long as you want.”

“I think I’m all talked out, Joe,” she sighed, slumping down and putting her head on his shoulder. She just wanted someone to hold her and she knew Joe would, even if it wasn’t fair to put herself in this position. Her feelings for Joe were still confusing but right now she could ignore that and enjoy the comfort.

“Okay,” he said, kissing the top of her head and resting his cheek on her hair. Sammy’s heartbeat picked up and she felt her stomach do flip flops, the same kind of feeling she used to get when Tom would do this.

Sammy knew this was not going to bode well. She lifted her head up and shifted her weight around a little, trying to get comfortable while she sat on the concrete fountain. She took a deep, shaking breath and wiped her face, trying to regain some semblance of her dignity. She knew she was in a judgment free zone with Joe, but they were still out in public and she didn’t want to see like some idiot who couldn’t keep her shit together until she at least got home. “I just don’t know what to do, Joe,” she confessed after she had composed herself.

“You can do anything you want, Sam,” Joe answered her. “What do you think is best?”

“I don’t know,” Sammy said, exasperated as she stood up and started pacing in front of Joe. “I have so much confliction in my head and I just wish Tom was here to talk it all out with me, you know? I can’t make a good decision right now, he’s not even here for it.”

“Sam,” Joe interjected. Sammy stopped pacing for a second, turning to face him. Whatever he had to say sounded important. She raised her eyebrows, indicating he should continue. “You know that you and Tom are my best friends and that I love you and your family with all of my heart… But you really need to do what makes you happy.”

“I wish it were that simple, Joe,” Sammy said, her shoulders slumping in defeat. “He’s my husband, the father of my children, I can’t just walk away from the life we’ve built together, my family…”

“What’s more fair for your family, Sam? Only you can make that decision. It’s about what you want.”

Sammy turned around and ran her hands through her hair, frustrated. Joe didn’t want to push her into a decision because it was hers to make. She was the only one who could decide whether or not her marriage was worth saving at this point.

She spun around, ready to open her mouth and let the answer spill out but she stopped dead when she looked over at Joe. Something about the magic of the evening, sitting under a dimly lit fountain with the sun dipping below the horizon cast an incredibly romantic spell over the place. She didn’t know if it was the past few days spending time with Joe so much, the shared moments they had, or the crazy loneliness that was sweeping her currently, but there was something about Joe that was almost irresistible. He was leaning forward while he listened to her, his hands clasped, his beautiful, dancing dark eyes peering up at her over the rim of his glasses. A tiny smile started at the corner of his sweet rosy lips, smirking at her and making her wonder just what those lips would taste like against hers.

Out of nowhere, her blood began to boil and her face was flushed. All she wanted was to know what it was like to be held close by a man that wouldn’t run away from her, damn the consequences.

For one second, Sammy wanted to feel alive again, so she knew what she had to say.


	12. Chapter 12 - Tom

Tom: Then

 

I know the instant I saw my bride walking down the aisle that I am one of the luckiest men on the planet. It has taken far too long to get her here.

The song she chose to walk down the aisle to is a personal favorite of mine, and nontraditional, much like our relationship. She insisted on having only one cellist playing this as she walks down the aisle and I had no idea just how perfect it was until this moment.

This is the first time I am laying eyes on my soon-to-be-wife. Her best friend and maid of honor, Molly Walker, made a point to keep us apart. She hilariously insinuated that when we are together unsupervised things like Emma happen.

I always anticipated being emotional on my wedding day with all the thoughts and fantasies about a lifetime of love and family together. Now, I am here and as I watch Samantha walk alone up the aisle, I realize that it means so much more than that. I didn’t anticipate having a family already started by the time I got married but I can’t imagine it going another way at this point. I wouldn’t take Emma back for anything in the world. I am overjoyed to be a father and I’ll always love and admire Samantha for making me one.

The closer she gets the more I see every detail of that beautiful, perfect face. There is something so radiant and magnanimous about her. She is glowing with happiness and the second our eyes meet I know that I am not going to be able to keep the vow I made to myself. I didn’t want to cry.

Those dark, delectable eyes are swimming with tears and I finally can see the smile on her face, the happy smile that tells me she is putting all of her love and trust in me, hoping that I will take care of her for the rest of our lives together. I have no plans to deny her this simple wish. I know now as I look at her that I cannot live my life without her, even for a second.

Everything we have gone through, all the torturous years apart, the secrets and lies we had to tell each other and ourselves just to get through that time alone… all of it fades away into the setting sun. I cannot even begin to articulate what it means to me to have her here, knowing she and Emma are going to be with me forever. We are now a family and we always will be. There is nothing on this earth that will ever be able to change that.

Without realizing it, the tears are coursing down my face and I have to quickly cover my mouth before I audibly sob. As she steps up I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and try to compose myself so I don’t have to sit down and recover. I take a deep, shaky breath and I feel someone take my hand. My eyes open and I see Samantha standing in front of me, holding her flowers in one hand while she grips my trembling fingers tightly in the other. Her eyes are streaming as well and she doesn’t seem to notice or care that there are other people there to witness this incredibly intimate moment. I don’t care either.

“Samantha,” I breathe, uncovering my mouth and reaching over to lightly brush the skin of her face. There is so much I wish I could express right at this second but it can wait. We have a ceremony to get through still and there is nothing I want more than to just take her in my arms and make love to her until the end of time, just to know she is there.

My bride doesn’t say anything. She simply smiles at me, a happy, quiet smile that lets me know she is ready for this long journey to end up where it is supposed to. She is ready for our chase to be over just as much as I am.

The officiant begins but I don’t hear any of the words he is saying. We practiced this the night before and I was emotional then but there is no comparison to what I am feeling now. Seeing Samantha in her wedding gown and watching as she radiates with the happiness that we both feel on this special day just makes it that much more emotional. I know we are sharing the same thoughts as we stand here, our hands still clasped together. I cannot bring myself to let her go.

Samantha requested we do not have an overly religious ceremony and I was more than happy to appease her. After all, she has done this once before and I didn’t want to be too demanding on her. The ceremony is simple and to the point, for Samantha’s benefit. My only request for this was that we read our own vows, something I am very excited for. By the time we get to the vows I am so anxious to begin that I have a hard time finding the piece of paper on which I have composed them. After a second of fumbling and eliciting a hearty chuckle from the attendants, I find it and unfold it, my fingers trembling. My heart starts pounding and I feel sick to my stomach before I start reading, which I find ironic, as I have made my living as a performer.

“Samantha,” I begin, and I peer over the paper at her and see that she is beaming widely at me. This gives me the strength I need to continue. “For you, there aren’t enough words in the English language to express what you mean to me and what you have done for me, as a person and as a man. There is no way that I can ever express to you what you did for me six years ago when we met. I was lost and so unsure that I would ever find someone that could complete the other half of my soul as perfectly as you have done. I always wanted to find someone to share my life with but never in a thousand lifetimes could I have anticipated falling in love with you.”

I pause, the tears steadily flowing down my cheeks. I hear the distinct sounds of sniffling and crying around me, but I am unfazed. Samantha is the one I am watching. Hers is the only reaction I care about. I continue before I lose the ability to speak completely.

“We may have lost our way from one another before, but I absolutely refuse to ever let someone as wonderful and special as you ever get away from me again. You, Samantha Chance, are my heart, my soul, my love, my angel… my miracle.”  
Samantha sobs, which causes me to stop reading. I step closer to her and wipe the tears from her face, whispering, “Please don’t cry.”

She shakes her head as she looks down at the floor, trying to talk herself out of it. “No, no, I’m okay, I’m okay.”

It is right then that both of us are distracted from our exchange, because we both hear Emma starting to cry in my mother’s lap. I watch as Samantha tries to clean herself up and before she can turn to comfort our child, I place a reassuring hand on her shoulder and take care of it myself. I walk over to my mother and take Emma out of her arms, giving her a grateful smile as I shoulder my crying daughter and come back up to my spot beside Samantha. She is smiling happily at me. I know this is the right thing to do, because not only am I pledging to love Samantha forever, but I am pledging to be a good father to my daughter and any of the children Samantha and I will have after we are wed.

I open my mouth to continue but stop, cramming the paper back in my pocket and rubbing Emma’s back soothingly as she rests her head on my shoulder. Everything is perfect. Now all I have to do is marry my soul mate.

“I was about to get to my vows,” I laugh.

Samantha laughs as well. “You don’t have to go on,” she says, nodding her head at Emma.

“It’s quite all right,” I whisper. “I just wanted to promise you that no matter what happens between us, if life gets in the way and things get a bit mad from time to time, I will never forget how much I love you and how much I am going to fight to make sure that you always know I love you. I am going to be the man you need to me. I am going to be a good husband, a good father, and a good friend. Don’t ever let me forget that.”

I don’t know what Samantha is going to say and I don’t care at that moment, because what I have said is from the heart and I mean every word. I let her go once and I never intend to let that happen again. Emma and Samantha are my world and I am not going to let myself forget it.

“Don’t worry,” she whispers finally. “Because I vow that you’ll never ever forget what it was that brought us together in the first place.”

“I love you endlessly, Samantha Chance.”

“And I love you, Tom Hiddleston.”

“So just say I do,” I whisper to her, a smile spreading across my face amidst the tears.

Samantha doesn’t hesitate for a second before she answers, “I do.” 

 

Tom: Now

 

The week had been so long and agonizing that it was a wonder Tom hadn’t broken down completely. He was not the type of man that tried to find the solution to his problems in the bottom of a bottle, so it was really hard for him to distract himself from what was going on at home with anything else. It was tempting to try and forget all of his problems but he knew exactly what would happen as a result.

If he was weak willed one more time, it was possible he could end up making another mistake that could end his marriage. He didn’t know if Samantha knew what was going on yet but he could only imagine what would happen the instant she found out. He wished he could figure it out himself but after the incident he had barricaded himself in his room and tried desperately to keep away from the rest of his crew, particularly the female ones. There was really nothing more he could do at this point workwise. They had found their location and now he was more concerned with his problems at home than his issues with work. After all, work would always be there. Home, however, was questionable.

Each day had gone by slowly. Tom had made the most of it by burying his head in his work, trying to get things figured out before he left. He could at least do that much. He had his computer and access to everything he needed, except internet. Every so often he made sure to check and see if he had a signal on his phone, not wanting to miss his opportunity to call Samantha and let her know how things were going and talk. They needed to talk… at length.

But so far there he was not having any luck. He was starting to lose faith that he would get home before he could salvage the remains of his shattered marriage. He was not the type of person that lost hope easily and it was this that that had him feeling more depressed than he had ever felt in his entire life. As always, he desperately wished for a light at the end of the tunnel before he sank into yet another fitful sleep. Though his hope was mostly gone he couldn’t help the thought from crossing his mind. It was so much a habit to just wish that things would get better.

He had been gone for nearly a week already when he’d promised his wife that he would only be gone for a short weekend. This was just another promise he couldn’t keep to her. Samantha deserved better than to be neglected and lied to by the one person she was supposed to have the most faith in. Not only that, but he had betrayed her trust in the worst way possible and now he was going to have to come home and face the consequences of all of his decisions and actions of the past year.

To say that Tom was a mess was the understatement of the century as he tried his hardest to get some sleep that late Thursday night. Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was Samantha standing in front of him, tears streaming down her cheeks, that heartbreaking look of treachery swimming in those rich, beautiful cocoa eyes. All he wanted to do was hold her, tell her that the mistakes he made didn’t mean he adored her any less. He loved her endlessly and didn’t want to lose her because they’d had a rough time of it. Didn’t other marriages suffer like this and then bounce right back? If he could only find someone who had been in this type of situation before maybe it would give him some hope that things could improve.

Samantha was not just Tom’s soul mate. She was the other half of his soul, the person he would never be complete without. To have forgotten that and then so callously throw it away was a most egregious sin on his part and he would be surprised if she would ever forgive him.

Tom opened his eyes and stared at the dark ceiling of his hotel room, this room he was getting so incredibly tired of. He wanted his own bed, his warm wife lying next to him, his children making noise and awakening him downstairs instead of the other residents of the hotel walking by his door. He missed the way Samantha would gently wake him in the morning and ask if he was feeling like coffee or tea that morning and then swiftly bringing him a cup and a kiss on the cheek to rouse him. For one crazy second he imagined that this entire trip, this past year, in fact, had been one long nightmare and that he would wake up to his wife grinning broadly at him, holding his steaming beverage in the mug Emma had painted him for Father’s Day five years before. If he hadn’t been such an idiot maybe this last year would have just been one horrible nightmare, occurring to a man that was happy and warm, holding all three of his girls close instead of thousands of miles from home in a cold, empty hotel room.

A paralyzing thought occurred to Tom then, causing his blood to run cold and the pit to fall out of his stomach. As badly as he wanted things to just go back to the way they were he knew that it was an impossible hope. For so many reasons, being married and blissful with his wife and children, he had completely forgotten about Samantha’s past. He didn’t know how that was possible. It was the exact reason she had chosen to take a trip to San Diego in the first place, to escape.

Samantha had been married before to a man that was, to put it mildly, less than deserving of a woman as amazing as she. The only reason he could see Samantha actually marrying Zach Newman was infatuation and the inexperience of a young woman. To Zach’s credit, he had made it nearly five years with Samantha without showing her just how big of a moron he truly was, but that didn’t excuse what he did to her. He threw away the most perfect, supportive woman in the world for what? An affair (or two, or three, or more) that would never last. The love of a good woman was forever, but by that time, Samantha was wise enough to see that her marriage with Zach wasn’t going to last and catching him with someone else was the final straw. Tom was so proud of her for being so strong and having the courage to go forward with her life independently instead of allowing a man to take advantage of her and control her. That was probably one of the things that he loved most about his wife. Her strength and fortitude, her unwillingness to let anyone tell her she wasn’t good enough.

Now he was that man. He was as stupid and shortsighted as Zach had been all of those years ago, the only difference being that they shared children together. As hopeful as he was that Samantha would forge ahead because of their family, he also didn’t want to put that kind of responsibility on his daughters’ shoulders. They were suffering enough already. Besides, Samantha was so strong and resilient and it would break his heart to be the person to change that about her. He couldn’t do it.

Heart pounding, breath short, Tom hoped with every last shred of his remaining positivity that he and Samantha could make it work without anyone having to sacrifice their soul to make it happen. He knew he was willing to change and beg on his hands and knees for forgiveness until the end of his days. Samantha was just too wonderful to abandon.

It was with this last tender thought of his wife that Tom was finally able to find the peace necessary to fall asleep. He didn’t rest well, but he was able to at least slightly recharge his body and brain so that he could function efficiently the next day.

Tom woke only five short hours later, unable to keep his agitated brain from staying at rest so he could get more sleep. He knew now how Samantha felt when she had too much on her mind and couldn’t get to sleep. It was not a fun experience and he could empathize with her on an entirely different level now and appreciate the fact that she could get through a nearly sleepless night and then charge full steam ahead the next day.

For the first time in weeks, Tom felt a smile cross his lips as he thought of his spouse and all of the wonderful things she had brought to his life since they met. Emma, Izzie, love, companionship, friendship, laughter, support, strength… there were so many things about his wife that he loved and appreciated and he wished he could be right there to wrap her into his arms and tell her all of these things. She would rest her head in that special spot against his chest and he would put his cheek against her hair, breathing her in so deeply that she’d be etched into the walls of his heart, like the hieroglyphics in the tombs of ancient Egypt. He would carry her with him forever. He needed to tell her.

Finally opening his eyes to greet the day, Tom took a deep breath and tried to stamp out the overwhelming depression that was threatening to chase away the thoughts of holding Samantha, the last remaining happy thoughts that were getting him through each day. He didn’t want to lose them so easily but realizing he was still in a hotel bed instead of his own was hard to overcome. At some point, something had to give and he had to be able to get home.

He shook his head and sat up, heading straight for the bathroom the moment his feet touched the floor. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and wasn’t surprised to see that he looked about as haggard as he felt. His age was catching up to him quickly. Tom had always been a very humble person, never understanding what the big fuss was when it came to his acting and celebrity. He’d been told for years that he was good looking and while he appreciated the compliments, he didn’t always want to readily accept them. Everyone had their own self-image issues and he was definitely no exception. In his late twenties he had started to notice the effects that age already had on his face, something he wasn’t exactly thrilled about. Fortunately he had an amazing wife who seemed to appreciate that about him, which in turn helped him accept it a little better. However, the stress of the past year had started to take its toll. His eyes were tired and his face was worn. He hadn’t laughed or smiled as much over the last couple of months and he knew that it was definitely having a negative impact on his body and his spirit. The last week in particular had been pretty bad so he wasn’t surprised to see the effect in his appearance.

He ran a hand through his short, graying curls and closed his eyes. If he had to age, he wanted to age with his wife. He wanted to go through this with her, laughing about it and joking. It was a fact of life and he wasn’t a vain person so he knew he could accept it. He just wanted a partner to do it with, and he wanted that partner to be Samantha.

He trudged back into the main room of the hotel and went through the motions of his morning. He opened his laptop and fired it up, turning around to his open suitcase on the floor and picking through the mess of clothes that desperately needed to be laundered to find something somewhat clean. Once he found something he was satisfied with, he threw it on and turned back to the bed. Right now he normally grabbed his phone and went down to the lobby of the hotel to make himself a bad cup of coffee and grab a couple of things to snack on while he got back to work for the day. He went to pick up his phone and give it a cursory glance for a signal before shoving it into his pocket but stopped dead when he saw the notification for several missed calls and voice mails.

Jaw dropping and heart pounding crazily in his chest, Tom sat down on his bed and unlocked his phone, checking out all the calls he had missed while he was sleeping. Intense feelings swept through him all at once, anger and guilt over missing the calls and the inability to know instinctively so he could make the phone call home. He felt the excitement of being able to actually make phone calls at all and his hands were shaking as he went through his phone. He felt incredible disappointment when he saw that the missed phone calls were not from home but at the same time he was relieved that he had not missed a phone call from Samantha. That wasn’t something he thought he could truly live with.

He wanted to call her and tell her that he was okay and that he was going to figure out a way home. Before he could do that, however, another phone call came in and he answered it eagerly.

“Hello?”

“Tom? Thank god you picked up, it’s Jan!” came the voice on the other end, just as anxious.

“Jan?” Tom sighed, rubbing his tired eyes. “Is everything all right?”

“Everything is fine here, are you all right?”

He sighed heavily. That was the question of the year, wasn’t it? He calmly explained everything to her, the storm, the confusion, and the fact that right now he was having a personal issue and he desperately needed to get home to correct it. He told her how he had been doing his work and figuring things out while he waited anxiously for flights to be rescheduled. He made sure to assure her that things for the project were all set to go and that they were on track with a location.

“That’s great to hear, Tom, and I’m glad you and the crew are safe,” she breathed after he was done explaining. “I’ve had a hell of a time getting a hold of anyone there. That hotel was no help at all, either.”

“Yes, they won’t be receiving my patronage again in the future,” Tom seethed.

“I can imagine,” she said and he heard her clacking away on her end of the phone, presumably in the middle of work. He didn’t want to keep her on the phone too long if she was working. He was too anxious to call home anyway. “Well, I have good news for you. It looks like flights are finally being scheduled out of there.”

The dark cloud hanging over Tom dissipated instantly as a huge smile spread across his face. “Are you serious?”

“Why would I joke about that? I know how badly you want to get home.”

“That’s absolutely brilliant!” he cried, not caring how loud he was. He had jumped up from the bed now and he was pacing back and forth, thinking of all of the arrangements he needed to make. “I feel so awful for asking you to do this, but do you think you can let the rest of the crew know? I have a lot of phone calls to make.”

“Not a problem,” she said. “I’m more than happy to help. I know you need to get home. I’m sure your family is worried about you.”

He felt a lump form in his throat and he struggled to keep his voice even as he thanked Jan and got her off of the phone. The thought of seeing Samantha, Emma, and Izzie was exciting. He wanted to hug his daughters until his arms fell off. He never wanted them to be out of his sight for another second. As for Samantha, he felt that they were probably past the point where he could just hold her and pretend that everything wasn’t a complete mess, but he wanted to anyway. He wanted to press her so tightly against him that they practically melded together. It took the distance to make him truly appreciate what he had been missing back home.

It was just unfortunate that he had made such a terrible mistake while he was gone.

Trying not to think of that, he pulled up Samantha’s number in his phone and started to dial, but stopped short before he could begin the call. Every single conversation they had shared in the past few days had been strained and uneasy and he wanted to call her with absolutely fantastic news. He debated making the call just to hear her voice but chose instead to try and schedule his flight first so that he could give her all of the details. He wanted hers to be the first face he saw when he departed the terminal. He wished for her embrace, her lips, her body against his and he couldn’t imagine a better way to come home.

Regretfully, he canceled the call he was about to make to her and instead opted to call and schedule his flight as soon as possible. He knew that calling Samantha with the actual flight number would be a much better surprise than just simply calling to hear her voice. They would have something to talk about; they would have something to look forward to.

While the phone rang, an exciting and inspired thought occurred to him. There was so much he and his wife were going to have to discuss and he just didn’t want to miss a single thing. Tom had been given more than ample time to think about everything he needed to say to her and he wanted to make sure he had the opportunity to say it all. He didn’t have time to be frustrated that the airline had already put him on hold as he ran around the hotel room, looking for pen and paper so he could start writing out his list.

The second he found what he was searching for he parked himself at the desk, shoving his forgotten laptop back on the desk. He could have easily written this out on the computer but it seemed like something he needed to actually write out and slave over. The more perspiration he put into it the more it would truly mean to Samantha when they were actually able to sit down and discuss all of it.

He set his phone down next to him, putting it on speaker so he could hear if anyone on the other end actually picked up and set to work right away on his list. He titled it, underlined the title, and set to the bullet points he made in the list.

The first thing he needed to address was his lack of communication over the past year. He was sorry for it and he didn’t know why he had done it but he was sure if they talked it over he would come to figure out exactly what it was that kept him from confronting his problems with Samantha. He had suspicions that it was his upbringing, always taught that being quiet and avoiding confrontation was the proper way for a gentleman to behave. Perhaps it was this instinctual nature that had caused him to avoid Samantha for five years after they were together that week in San Diego.

He made another bullet point as the hold music on his phone continued on, sporadically stopping to assure him that his call was important and they would get to him just as fast as they could. He barely heard any of it, so wrapped up in the list he was making for Samantha. She was all that consumed his thoughts.

The communication bullet was finished with several notes as to what exactly he needed to say to her about all of it. The next point was made right off of the first one. The only word he wrote down next to his haphazard dash was ‘coward.’ He knew what a cad he had been from the very beginning. The profound effect Samantha had had on his life still wasn’t enough to chase away all of the fear he was still holding onto. He had avoided her for five years, fearing the inevitable encounter and having to answer for turning his back on her. He made sure to scratch ‘apologize’ underneath his bullet and after a moment of hesitation he added ‘for then and now.’

He sat back for a second and stared at his list. It seemed that there should have been so much more that he needed to answer for, but really, after breaking it all down, this was it. He needed to apologize for not being strong and not being the man he had promised Samantha he would be when they were married so many years before. Why would he show back up in her life and give her the hope that he was a man she could depend on when only a few short years later he would stop being that man for her? It was not only unfair to his wife, but to his children and to himself. He had let himself down as well as letting her down. He had been raised better and was not this person.

He ran a hand through his hair as he stared at this short list. He shook his head. There wasn’t much to it but there was so much more that he needed to say. He shoved the list aside and decided instead to compose a letter to his wife that he would sit her down and read to her. It was going to be earnest and well thought out, interwoven with all of the things he never had the courage to say to her before. He knew she would appreciate the time he had taken to sit down and really weave this together.

The hold music was still playing on his phone and while he had a second he decided to let the phone play while he took a short bathroom break. He dashed in there and tried to be quick. He kept the door open so that he could hear if anyone picked up but heard nothing by the time he emerged. Sighing, he sat down at the chair and picked up his pen, intent on getting right back to work on this heartfelt letter for his beloved. As he put pen to paper and drew out Samantha’s name, he heard a click on the phone and a tinny female voice on the other end.

“Thank you for calling and I apologize for the hold. How can I help you?”

Thrilled to hear someone finally answering the phone, Tom threw down his pen and eagerly grabbed the phone, switching it from speaker and putting it up to his ear. “Thank goodness. I’m trying to arrange a flight and I need it as soon as possible. Money is no object.”

The conversation continued as he told the woman on the other end where he was flying from, his destination being Detroit Metro Airport. She clacked away, trying to find something for him while he waited most impatiently.

“If you wouldn’t mind holding for another second, sir, I can do a more thorough search and then we can get you a seat reserved on a flight home.”

“Oh, thank you so much. You have no idea how grateful I am for your help,” he prattled to her, so happy that he was going to be on his way home quickly.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll have you back in a moment,” she said, and the hold music began again.

Tom breathed a huge sigh of relief, feeling the weight of the world rising from his shoulders. He was anxious to get back to his letter, excited that very shortly he would be able to read this to Samantha in person. Just the thought of her big, beautiful eyes blinking up at him made him feel uncontrollably excited to the point where he couldn’t even begin to formulate his thoughts into a response. He sat back in his chair, his hand absentmindedly rubbing his neck as he thought hard about his letter.

A second later he heard something strange amidst the hold music, almost like a repetitive click. Frowning, he sat up and stared down at his phone, surprised and elated to see that his wife was trying to call him.

Trying not to hesitate for even a second, Tom swept up his phone and went to answer the call. Just as he was about to answer it, the ringing stopped and the call came up as missed. Grunting in frustration, Tom clenched his fists, upset that he had missed Samantha’s call. What would she think now? Things were just going from bad to worse.

He opened up his call log and went to dial her number again when the hold music ended.

“Mr. Hiddleston?”

Tom paused. He didn’t know whether he should just go ahead and hang up on this call and try his wife again or if he should go ahead and schedule his flight, thereby securing the information so that he could call Samantha back and tell her what was going on.

He opted for the latter, his original plan, and with a heavy heart he answered the phone again. “Yes?”

“I was able to find you a flight to Detroit,” she informed him.

“Oh thank goodness,” he breathed, closing his eyes and allowing the tiniest flicker of a smile to cross his face.

“However the soonest direct flight to Detroit Metro isn’t until Sunday.”

Tom’s eyes flew open and the tiniest fraction of frustration he was still holding onto tripled instantly. “That’s completely unacceptable. Are you sure there’s nothing else? I have to get home as soon as humanly possible.”

“I’m sorry, sir, that’s the soonest direct flight I have,” she reiterated.

“All right, all right,” he said, more to himself than to her in an effort to calm himself down. “The soonest direct flight?” he repeated.

“Yes, sir,” she answered.

“Do you happen to have anything close to Michigan? I’ll rent a vehicle, I’m not particular. I need to get home,” he pleaded.

“Let me double check for you,” she said, the sound of her fingers flying over the keyboard his only solace. “Actually it appears that there is a flight this evening going to Chicago with two layovers, one in Phoenix and one in Atlanta. Will that be suitable?”

“Absolutely it will be, let’s go ahead and book it!” he said anxiously, trying not to sound short with this woman. It wasn’t her fault that there wasn’t a flight until Sunday and she was doing her best to help him out. In his anxiety to get home he was getting a bit rude and that was unacceptable.

The remainder of the call was spent securing the boarding pass and making the payment. Usually he had his ticket printed and ready so he had nothing to worry about when he got to the airport. Today, however, he wasn’t going to be too particular.

As soon as he hung up with the airline he knew he needed to call Samantha. He couldn’t expect her to drive two hours out of her way to pick him up from the airport, especially since the girls would be with her. He decided, instead, to just go ahead and set up a rental and get home on his own. Everything that had happened due to this separation had been his doing and he wasn’t going to make her go out of her way to accommodate him.

He jumped on the phone immediately with the car rental service out of O’Hare airport in Chicago to set everything up. Once he had that all figured out and solved he jumped off of the phone and not even thinking about it, started packing his things.

Before too long Tom remembered that he needed to call his wife back and let her know what was going on. There was so much going on and so much nervous energy swirling around his head that he had all but completely forgotten about her missed call. He had even abandoned the letter he was going to write her but he tried not to feel too guilty about that. He would have a nine hour flight to Chicago and two layovers to compose and finish this note. He had more than enough time to pour all of his love and emotion into it, especially with the added excitement of actually being able to head home to her.

Tom picked up his phone and started to dial when there was a knock at the door. Grunting in aggravation, he set his phone back down on the desk and headed over to the peephole, peering through. He saw his Matt, his cinematographer on the other side of the door, waiting patiently.

“Hello,” he greeted, opening the door. He was reluctant to invite Matt into the room since he had so much to do but he knew he should at least be gracious. “Would you like to come in?”

“No, it’s all right, I was just making sure you got the message from Jan,” he said. “The rest of us have our flights scheduled to California. I know how anxious you are to get home.”

“Well, I appreciate that, Matt,” Tom said, leaning against the doorjamb as he talked to his friend. He had been barricading himself so much lately that he had forgotten how nice it was to have someone to talk to. “I am anxious and I’ve already scheduled my flight. I leave at six tonight.”

“That’s great,” he said. Tom watched his friend shift his weight uncomfortably before he felt the need to comment on it.

“Is there anything else you needed to say?” Tom said, breaking the silence.

“It’s not really my place to comment on it, but…” Matt began, hesitating. Tom hated to be rude and rush his friend off but he couldn’t help it. It had been too long since he missed the call from Samantha and he desperately wanted to call her. He resisted the urge to check his watch. “But listen… I don’t know what happened between you and Malinda…” Tom’s stomach lurched. That was the absolute last thing he wanted to be reminded of right now. He needed to put it out of his mind so he could just find the strength to get home to his wife.

“I’d rather not discuss it,” Tom told him, trying to keep his voice even but failing miserably.

“Listen, I don’t know what happened, I don’t want to know, but it’s my personal opinion that it’s unprofessional to have whatever happened… happen… and then not at least talk to her about it. I mean, she’s part of this crew, Tom.”

“I understand that.”

“I just thought you should know.”

“I appreciate your thoughts, Matt, and I will handle this in the way I see fit.”

“All right,” Matt said, and he started to walk away. Tom took a deep breath but didn’t get a chance to close the door before Matt stopped and spoke again. “Whatever is going on with you and your wife… I get it. I’m married, too, and I know that things can get rough. My only advice is just to be honest with Sammy.”

Tom gulped, not wanting to think about it. “Thank you, Matt.”

Matt nodded and turned around, walking away. Tom closed the door finally and rested his back up against it. He rubbed his hands over his face yet again, trying to clear the cobwebs and the anger that was threatening to cloud his judgment. He just needed to get through the rest of the day and get on the plane. He would figure everything else out by the time he got home.

Sighing, he headed back over to his phone and settled into the bed. Nothing was going to distract him now. He needed to make this phone call.

However, before he could dial the number, a call from Samantha came in again and this time, he answered it greedily.

“Hello?” he practically shouted. “Samantha? I’m so glad to hear from you and I’m sorry I didn’t call you back sooner!”

There was no answer on the other end. All he heard was a muffed voice that sounded somewhat like Joe’s. His heart skipped a beat. If Samantha was with Joe he knew she was in good hands and that she was being taken care of. This offered him a little comfort. Unfortunately he was certain that this call was an unintentional pocket dial from his wife.

He knew he needed to just hang up and call her back, but he paused when the muffled sound became less muffled and he could hear the conversation on the other end of the phone with stunning clarity.

“He’s my husband, the father of my children, I can’t just walk away from the life we’ve built together, my family,” said Samantha.

Tom’s entire body ran cold. Was she thinking about leaving him?

“What’s more fair for your family, Sam? Only you can make that decision. It’s about what you want.”

Joe’s response made Tom sick to his stomach. Joe was his friend as well, shouldn’t he be encouraging her to see things through? Then again, if Samantha was unhappy with him Tom certainly didn’t want to force her to stay. Joe was looking out for her and that was good, he supposed. He wanted to know if she was truly unhappy and what she would choose. So instead of hanging up the phone and calling her back, he decided to sit and listen to what she had to say.

“You’re right. If I’m unhappy, then I need to fix things.” Tom’s heart soared. “I can’t put my girls through this anymore. They deserve to have parents who can talk to one another.” Tom closed his eyes, tears beginning at the corners of his eyes. This was it… he was going to get a second chance.

“Yes, Sam, that’s what I’ve been saying,” Joe said, sounding faint.

“Yeah,” Samantha said. After a beat of silence, she spoke again and this time, Tom felt all the blood drain out of his face and his heart nearly stopped. “Tom and I are beyond talking this out anymore. The longer he’s gone the more I realize it. I think my marriage is over.”

Tom hung up the phone so quickly that he would later have no memory of doing it at all. The tears that had been threatening to come forth did so at once, spilling down his tired face. The last of his hope was dashed. If Samantha thought that their marriage was over he certainly wasn’t going to sit here and pray that she changed her mind. He didn’t want her to be unhappy. It was really the only thing he had ever wanted. Her happiness.

Numbly, Tom got out of bed and started packing his things. He had a lot of time to kill still before he had to leave for the airport and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get through it. If he weren’t so eager to see his daughters he would consider not coming home at all. At least here he was still in a haze of ignorance where his marriage could work at some point in the future.

The anger set in not too long after that. He was angry at Samantha for giving up so easily. When they’d exchanged vows they’d promised to do this forever, for better or for worse. They were supposed to make this all work and try and fight for what they had.

The irrational anger extended to Joe. He got to be there for her, as a friend, loving her and taking care of her. Joe was so much more open and outspoken than Tom had ever been. He suspected it was a difference in their cultural backgrounds. Americans were typically not discouraged from speaking out of turn. For the most part, Joe and Samantha had both been taught in their upbringing to stand up for themselves because no one else would. Joe was able to speak his mind and was unafraid to show how he felt compared to Tom.

Most of all, though, Tom was angry with himself. He had been uncommunicative for months. He had disappeared on the love of his life and forced her to raise their daughter alone for four years without him. He was too much of a coward to face their problems and he had nearly lost her once before. He was going to lose her again.

The thought of spending the rest of his life without her was unbearable. He didn’t want to sleep in an empty bed. He didn’t want to be away from his daughters. He didn’t want any of that. How was he going to let her slip away?

The fire started up in his chest once again, chasing the hopelessness away instantly. He didn’t want any of that, so why should he just sit back and accept it? Wasn’t that the exact problem to begin with? He had been too much of a coward to stand up for what he wanted. He wasn’t going to hide behind his fear anymore. The thought of losing his family forever was far more frightening than the idea of confronting his wife and their problems head on.

Tom hadn’t meant for it to happen, but this trip had changed him and he wasn’t going to take things lying down anymore. No. He was going to fight for his life, because that’s what a man did. A man fought for the woman he loved. Sitting back was no longer an option.

Come hell or high water, he was going to make his marriage work.


	13. Chapter 13 - Joe

Part Two  
Joe: Then

 

“I just don’t understand where this came from, Joe… I mean, we were having such a good time. I really thought that we were getting serious. I mean, we’ve been together for nearly two years…”

“We were, we were… and you know I care about you a lot, Sharon. And this has nothing to do with you. I mean, you’re great, perfect even… I don’t know what it is, I just can’t seem to figure out what it is that’s wrong with us.”

I gulp. I am finally here, the place I didn’t want to be. Ending a relationship is something I always dread because no matter what the feelings are, mutually or individually, someone still walks away with hurt feelings. Sharon and I never really discussed where the relationship was going. When we first met, we both understood that this could go long term or it could be casual and we didn’t care either way. She knew my opinion on marriage and she didn’t seem to mind. The topic came up on occasion but we never really pursued the conversation to a resolved end. Basically, we have been cruising along, not moving forward. We have been doing this for a long time.

I know exactly what the problem is, but there’s no way I am going to tell Sharon what’s really going on. Instead, I am going to tell her that she is far too good for me and she doesn’t deserve this hemming and hawing on my part about a further commitment. I will tell her that it’s unfair to her to make her wait until I get my head together and can give her what she wants. Regardless of my reasons, all of these are completely factual and perfectly good reasons all on their own for me to end this relationship.

Unfortunately for Sharon and for me, the real reason I am ending this is because I am too head over heels in love with my best friend to allow any other woman into my heart. I don’t know how anyone can be in love with two women at the same time, but I am not one of those men.

This is most unfair to me, because with my luck, I will be in love with Sam Chance for the rest of my life.

“I’m s-sorry, Sharon,” I say, trying to clear my head and not allow Sam to dominate my thoughts, as she so often does. I need to get this out and give Sharon my undivided attention. She deserves that much. “I care about you and I am very fond of you, but we’re not moving forward. I don’t think there’s anything more that either of us can take from this relationship.”

Sharon is staring at me skeptically, her big, glistening cerulean eyes shimmering with tears. I hate making people feel this way, especially someone I know so intimately. I want to hide her from all of this pain. If I could have told her two years ago that there was no way she would ever be able to compete with the unrequited love in my heart, both of us could be spared this painful break up. Unfortunately, I was lonely and Sam was the one insisting on setting us up, so I couldn’t disappoint her. How was I to know that Sharon was delightful and intelligent, with a bubbly personality and a sharp, witty sense of humor, not to mention beautiful to boot? How could I have been so lucky to find this wonderful woman, a woman willing to share her life with me?

How could I be such an ass as to take that love and know that there was no way I could ever reciprocate it?

My nose starts to tingle, indicating that my eyes are about to flood with tears of my own. My heart aches desperately in my chest, having to do this to Sharon. I don’t want to lose her, I really don’t, but I know it’s the only fair way.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Sharon. You’ve come to mean a great deal to me,” I tell her, trying to cushion the blow. “You just… you’re wonderful and you deserve a man who will commit to you, a man that will share his life with you. I’m an idiot and I’m not going to sit here and insult your intelligence by feeding you break up clichés. I want you to be happy, and that’s the truth.”

“That’s not the whole truth, Joe,” Sharon finally states. I peer up at her after taking a moment to rub my eyes. I am, to say the least, surprised.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You and I both know that’s not the real reason you’re breaking up with me.” I stare at her without speaking, my mind blank. “You’re breaking up with me because I’m not Sammy and I’ll never be Sammy.”

The first thing that happens is my entire body flushes cold. Then, my heart stops in my chest, my stomach twists itself into knots, and I clench my jaw so tight that I feel a tension headache starting at my temples. How could she know? And if Sharon figured it out, had Sam figured it out, or god forbid, Tom?

“How –”

“Please, Joe,” she says with a sniffle. “I’m not an idiot. It’s in the way you talk about her. The way you look at her. The way you are with her. I had an idea you had feelings for her when we first met, but I knew you loved her when we were at the beach… about six months ago.”

I am shocked, to say the least. I had really hoped I was being a little more discreet about my feelings. Maybe I am in the clear, because Sharon would naturally pay more attention to me than Sam or Tom. They usually gravitate toward one another. “You knew?” I finally whisper to her.

She nods, wiping her eyes. “I doubt Sammy notices, but you stare at her. A lot.”

“I do?”

“All the time,” she says and when I hear the pain in her voice my heart breaks again. “When everyone is talking or involved in something, you stand back and get this look in your eye… Like the sun sets on her and only her.” Sharon pauses to take a shaky breath before she continues. “How can any woman compete with her?”

“I’m so sorry, Sharon,” I say to her quietly, truly meaning it. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

She shrugs. “It’s my own damn fault, honestly. I already had my suspicions and then I saw you staring at her, but instead of saying something or breaking up with you first, I stuck with it. I hoped maybe one day you would start looking at me like you look at her… but now I realize it’s never going to happen. You can’t be happy with anyone, Joe, until you deal with your feelings for Sammy.”

“But I can’t, that’s the thing!” I burst unwittingly. Holding onto all of these feelings and not having anyone to express it all to is a heavy burden. “What am I going to do? There’s no way I could ever betray Tom’s friendship by saying something to Sam about how I feel. Besides, telling her means I would lose her.”

Sharon sighs, crossing her arms and sitting back. “You’ve either got to tell her, Joe, or you have to let her go. Either way, you can’t be in her life anymore.”

The fear I feel instantly with this statement is so strong it almost knocks me backwards. Lose Sam? Is Sharon insane? How could I ever lose Sam? How could I lose Tom? These people are too important to me to just shrug and walk away. I try to express this to Sharon, but she is unwavering. I realize too late that I am being awfully insensitive but Sharon doesn’t seem to mind too much. This is why she is such a wonderful person.

“Listen, Joe… You’re sitting here, trying to tell me that it’s so unfair to me that you don’t want to commit any further and that I should be finding the happiness I so deserve, but you should really be saying this to yourself.” She stands up, readjusting herself and I follow suit. She walks toward me and places her hands on my chest, absently wiping my shirt, a gesture of hers I find comforting. It hurts to think of her never doing it again. “You either have to tell Sam the truth, for your sanity, and see how she takes it, or you have to decide that you deserve happiness, too. If Sam and Tom are really meant to be together, then nothing is going to split them up. Sam is married, with kids, and she’s not going to just walk away from that life easily, and you know that. You are being more unfair to yourself than you are to me.”

“Sharon, you don’t understand…”

“I understand perfectly,” she interrupts, crossing her arms again and stepping back. “You’re telling me that I deserve someone who wants what I want. The biggest question here is why don’t you think you deserve the same thing?”

Before I have a chance to answer her, she stands on tiptoe to kiss me on the cheek, gives me a sympathetic smile, and turns to leave. Just as she gets to the door I call out her name and she pauses, looking back at me just as I whisper, “Thanks.”

 

Joe: Now

 

“Yeah. Tom and I are beyond talking this out anymore. The longer he’s gone the more I realize it. I think my marriage is over.”  
Joe’s jaw dropped. Never, in all the years he had known Sam and Tom, would he have expected this. Sam and Tom were like two halves of the same whole. They had a rhythm unlike anyone he had ever seen before. They had the kind of love that songs and poems are written about, and there was never a doubt in Joe’s mind that Sam and Tom were meant to be together.

And then, just like that, their rhythm was off and they were no longer together on anything. It scared Joe to know that a love story as beautiful and poetic as Tom and Sam’s could ever reach a point where it was beyond repair.

This was not the way Joe wanted Sam’s love, if he had his choice. He didn’t want his friends to be in heartbroken over their broken marriage. He didn’t want Emma and Izzie to have to go through the pain of a messy divorce. He didn’t want to think that there was a possibility that he could win Sam’s affections because she had been devastated enough to lose the true love of her life.

Then again he hadn’t expected Sam and Tom to ever come to this much of an impasse in their relationship, so anything could happen at this point.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Sam’s shaky voice finally penetrated the thin veil of Joe’s thoughts. He tried to clear his head and be there for his friend. He gave her an encouraging smile and sat straighter. “I think the best thing to do right now is sleep on it,” he said, going to the safest possible option he could think of. “You’re over emotional right now and you know it’s not a good idea to make decisions when you’re emotional.”

“You’re right,” she said, dejected. She was still pacing, white as a sheet and biting her lip. Joe could even see the slightest tremor in her fingers. He didn’t want to comment on it. He just wanted her to calm down. “You’re right, you’re right… I don’t know what I should do about all of this. I haven’t heard from him in three days, you’d think I would be freaking out, but I’ve just been… I don’t know… I’ve been enjoying myself with you and now I can’t get a hold of him and I have all of this guilt because I want to be mad at him but I’m madder at myself,” she blurted out in one long breath. “I should just wait until he’s home and I can talk to him myself.” Joe watched her as she paced a few more steps before finally stopping and heaving a huge sigh that brought her to her knees. She bent over and started sobbing.

Joe was familiar with Sam’s emotional outbursts and for the most part, knew how to handle them. This time, he was at a loss. He wanted to jump up and be by her side to coddle her and make sure she was okay, but at the same time this was an area he had never expected to venture. Sam was mourning the loss of a good marriage and there was nothing he could do to salve that kind of wound. She was going to have to cry this one out on her own.

“What am I doing, Joe? What happened to my marriage?” she cried between sobs, and Joe knew that sitting back and watching her was not an option. He stood up and walked over to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and standing her up to walk them back over to the fountain. He didn’t want anyone noticing her crying on the ground. It certainly wouldn’t give them any semblance of privacy, which was what they needed right now. As soon as they sat down on the fountain, Sam crumpled into him, her head resting against his shoulder as she cried. Joe kept his arm around her in an attempt to provide something steady for her to rely on. “What am I going to do? I’m so lost… I can’t let another marriage fail, Joe, I just can’t… At least that time, Zach and I didn’t have any kids to worry about… And Zach wasn’t… Tom is… I just…”

“Sh,” Joe said, setting his head against Sam’s. “You don’t need to figure this out tonight. Like I said, you need to sleep on it. It’s not doing you any good to worry and fret when Tom isn’t even here to talk to,” he assured her. “For now, it’s probably best if you put it out of your mind.”

“Joe, that’s the problem!” she said, sitting bolt upright. “I keep putting off everything I need to say to that man and now look where we are!” Sam’s coffee colored eyes were blazing in her fervor to figure everything out. “He ran off to escape our problems! Putting it out of my mind is the absolute worst thing I can do right now.”

Joe sighed heavily. “Sam, be realistic. How the hell are you going to fix your marriage when your spouse is not here? Not to mention the fact that you can’t get a hold of him. Besides, why would you want to fix your marriage over the phone?”

Sam’s shoulders sunk. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Like I said, sleep on it.”

Sam nodded in response, sniffling and wiping her face. She seemed to be calming down but Joe sat in silence nonetheless and allowed his friend to gather her wits. He knew that she didn’t favor breaking down, especially in public, and he was going to allow her to maintain her dignity. It was the least he could do for her.

“So now what?” she asked after nearly five minutes of stretched silence.

Joe was so relieved to hear her speak that he felt a renewed sense of purpose. Tonight, he was going to do everything in his power to distract her from what was going on in her marriage. He wanted to put the light back in her eyes.

“I assume you don’t want to go back to the movie?” he asked first.

She crinkled her nose in the adorable way that she always did. Joe smiled at the sight. “We’ve already lost our cherry spot. Besides, I’ve seen that movie over a hundred times.”

“Same here,” he said with a chuckle. “Do you want to go home?”

“No, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I need a little more time to clear my head before I end my night… and if we go home, it’ll be the end of the night.”

“Oh… okay,” Joe said, frowning at her.

Sam saw his confused expression and she chuckled, a sound that was so unexpected and delightful that Joe knew the rest of the night was going to be infinitely better than it had been. “Trust me, I understood what I just said. Basically, I don’t want to go home right now. I want to be out. I don’t have any kids at the house, I don’t have to be a wife and a mother tonight. I’m just your Sam. What do you want with me?”

Joe had to bite his lip to keep every possible response from slipping out of his mouth right then. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep quiet about everything. Sam seemed to be getting closer to him in a very dangerous way. Instead of trying to actively discourage it, Joe was going out of his way to accommodate himself to Sam. As a direct result of this, Joe’s heart was overflowing and ready to just burst with all of the words he had waited so, so long to say.

It was unacceptable and he had to put a stop to it.

“Well, we can stay in the park. If you like,” Joe added quickly. The sun had made its daily journey beneath the horizon and there was still the slightest streak of orange and pink left in the sky. The gas lamps in the park had sparked to life over the last fifteen minutes and there was a soft, romantic feeling to the place. Joe knew it was a much smarter idea to just take Sam home and allow her to face her fears but he knew he couldn’t do that. The worst, most aching part of his heart was speaking a lot louder than his logic.

He only hoped that over the course of the next few days or however long it took Tom to get back that he didn’t succumb to this weakness. It could prove a very bad decision.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Sam whispered. He peered over at her and saw a sweet, trusting smile spreading across her face. An icy fist of guilt gripped his heart. She had so much faith in him, Joe, her best friend, the sturdiest part of her support system right now, a man who would not let her down. He just hoped he could be that for her. It was going to be a struggle to ignore the thick feeling of magic in the air, the spell that was starting to descend over both of them.

“Good, let’s go,” he said abruptly, not allowing his guard to drop for a second. Joe took Sam’s hand and stood up as quickly as possible so that their bodies were no longer touching and kept her at a chaste but comfortable distance as they started to wander past the fountain. Sam remained quiet as they walked, holding hands. Joe’s heart was hammering inside his chest. The silence was amiable, but he felt as though it still needed to be filled, if only to quiet the shouting thoughts in his head, the thoughts that were so dangerously close to being spoken.

But right as he decided to start them on a neutral, safe topic, Sam sighed heavily and wrapped her other hand around his arm, leaning into him and gripping him tightly. That ice he had mounted to protect his heart started to slowly melt and he found that he was slowly starting to forget what it was he was feeling so guilty about. Nothing mattered but this moment, a moment he would cherish forever. He didn’t know if it meant anything more to Sam than it did to him, but he didn’t care either. Right now, there was no huge family crisis looming around the corner, no daughters or marriage to worry about. It was just Sam and Joe, and they were joined together.

Maybe it was forever and maybe it was just now, but all Joe knew was that he was appreciating every second he got to be the person Sam clung to.

“Where do you want to go?” he finally asked her. They had walked for so long in silence that he was sure they were going to get turned around before they felt like talking.

She shrugged nonchalantly, gazing around the layout of the park. “You can take me anywhere. I’m just enjoying the company.”  
Joe’s heart lurched. There was something to the lilt in Sam’s voice, the way she said this that made him think there was something… something to it… But he couldn’t have heard right. Sam was too good of a person and too devoted to her family to ever even consider the possibility of them, like he had so many times.

“Well,” he said, coughing to make sure and clear the surprise out of his tone. “I bet the carousel is running now.”

Sam gasped the moment he said the word ‘carousel.’ “Oh my god I bet it’s gorgeous all lit up at night! Can we go? Please?”  
Joe rolled his eyes, pretending that her pleading was inconvenient when really seeing her big beautiful doe eyes wide and imploring had already obliterated any resolve he may have had to begin with. “Fine, I guess,” he said with a chuckle, letting her drag him down another path.

“This is so exciting,” she said as they walked on, an added bounce in her step. “It’s stupid, I’ve seen this damn carousel a million times on any other normal day, but I don’t know what it is, it’s like there’s something in the air tonight that is just making everything seem so… oh I don’t know…”

“Magical?” Joe offered, completely swept away.

Sam stopped then, her hand still clasped around his. She turned to stare into his eyes and every thought Joe had immediately fled his brain under this penetrating gaze. He watched a tornado of tumultuous emotions sweep through her glistening brown eyes, feeling immensely anxious as he waited for the stillness to break. Joe wasn’t even one hundred percent sure he wanted it to end at all, but Sam tore her gaze away and breathed a nearly inaudible, “Yeah, magical,” before turning around and continuing on.

“I-I’m sure it’ll be beautiful tonight,” Joe said lamely, trying to mend the awkwardness that now hung in the air between them.

“I’d love to bring the girls here to see it,” Sam offered, her voice sounding somewhat far away and wistful. “There just never seems to be time to do anything like that with them.” She sighed heavily, a sigh so sad it made Joe’s heart ache. “I know Emma would love it.”

“I’m sure she would.”

“I think it’s the teenaged sentiment not to care as much about your parents because they’re wrong about everything,” Sam posed, “but I just really never thought Emma would be a typical teenager.”

“You know, I don’t really think she is,” Joe offered.

“Really?” Sam asked, incredulous. “How so?”

“Well, she’s not egregiously disrespectful.”

Sam snorted. “What Emma are you talking about?”

Joe rolled his eyes and shook their joined hands in an effort to emphasize his point. “Every teenager is disrespectful. My word was ‘egregious.’ I’ve seen some real monsters that swear at their parents, yell at them, and then still have this gross idea of entitlement. To her credit, Emma is not one of these kids. Sure she has her tantrums, but what hormonal pubescent kid doesn’t? It sucks being a teenager; physically, emotionally, mentally, socially.” He shuddered, remembering how he had gone through puberty in front of the camera, essentially sharing the most awkward years of his life with an audience. He loved his work but sometimes he wished he had been able to keep that part to himself.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” she agreed. “We’ve been tremendously lucky with both of our girls. I don’t have to worry about Izzie for a little while but she’s not nearly as emotional and high strung as Emma can be. I don’t know what it is lately, I can’t seem to connect with Emma.”

Joe took a deep breath. He had hoped to keep Emma’s confidence but he didn’t want Sam thinking that she was a bad mother because Emma wasn’t willing to talk to her. “Honestly, Sam, you have nothing to worry about.”

Sam’s head whipped around to stare at him, hard. “What are you talking about?”

“I talked to Emma the other morning,” he confessed. He could just see the lights of the carousel as they crested the final hill to the other side of the park. “Her problem is with Tom.”

“Tom? What’s going on?” Sam’s voice was hard and she was tugging on his arm. Joe wasn’t sure she even realized she was doing it.

“Well, she seems to think that he doesn’t want to be around her,” he said. “Like he’s deliberately trying to avoid her.”

“Why the hell would she think that?”

“I’m not sure,” Joe said, not wanting to tell her the truth. Emma had confessed that she felt as though her father were avoiding her because she reminded him too much of Sam, but he certainly didn’t want to tell her that. “She seems to be real broken up over it.”

Sam sighed sadly again, her grip on Joe’s arm loosening. He felt the blood rush back in, unaware that she had been holding it so tightly. “Tom’s been avoiding all of us lately.”

Joe held back anything that wanted to escape past his lips. Instead, he nudged her with his shoulder a bit as the carousel came more and more into view. They couldn’t get a good look but it was certainly bright against the backdrop of the darkening sky.   
“Hey, we’re almost there.”

“Wow, that was fast,” she commented, and her pace quickened. The previous statement about Tom was forgotten and they hurried over toward the benches that sat opposite the carousel. Sam stopped before they got all the way there and turned to take in all the lights. “Wow,” she sighed. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, it really is,” Joe said, unable to tear his eyes from Sam’s face. Her expression was one he had not seen on her face in a long, long time. It was one full of hope and wonder, something that for many years had always been at Sam’s very core. His heart felt lighter than it had in months, knowing that even after all of the things she had gone through, Sam was still Sam. The essence of who she was had not been extinguished, but merely dimmed. Without warning, his eyes filled with tears and everything that had overwhelmed and plagued him for months was there at the surface, clamoring to be heard and expressed and he didn’t know if he could hold it back another second.

Thankfully, Sam broke him from this train of thought by tearing her gaze from the carousel and up to Joe’s, her eyes twinkling with the pure whimsy of the situation. “Do you want to ride?”

“W-What?” Joe stammered, caught off guard by the question. It certainly wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Ride with me? Please?” she said, grinning as she clasped her hands together and stuck out her bottom lip.

He laughed at her, turning his head away so he didn’t just roll over. “I don’t know about that, Sam.”

“Oh come on!” she said forcefully. “Why would you bring me all the way over here if you didn’t want to ride?”

“To make you happy,” Joe said, the statement flying out of his mouth so fast he didn’t even have time to consider the consequences of saying it. Sam, however, only smiled wider at him, her eyes softening.

“It would make me super happy if you rode with me!” she insisted.

He moaned and groaned for a few more seconds before finally agreeing. “But we’re not riding on those dumb horses!”

“Ugh! Poor sport,” she said, and she took his hand once again, leading him over to the ride. Honestly, Joe didn’t care where they sat. He just wanted to make her smile.

They paid for the ride and climbed on, finally compromising on one of the small two-seaters. They settled in, squished together almost uncomfortably, laughing and joking about the situation. Sam continually teased him for not being ‘man enough’ to ride a pony and Joe kept telling her she was crazy if she thought a grown man would sit on a sparkly pink porcelain horse. Once the ride began, though, Sam was quiet as she took everything in. Joe peered over at her and saw that her eyes were closed, the breeze gently wafting through the soft tendrils of her golden hair.

Joe had the chance while she had her eyes closed to really examine her. It was something he liked to do when she wasn’t paying attention because the woman was really something else. Sam was nothing like the ubiquitous overly made up Hollywood glamour types, the kind of woman that couldn’t leave the house with covering nearly every inch of herself in shiny beads to distract from the fact that she wasn’t really all that beautiful or interesting.

Sam Chance was beautiful without even trying, on the inside and the outside. Her smile was warm and special, like she only really gave you a brilliant, gleaming grin when you were special. It was one of those small gifts she gave that let you know what you meant to her. Her eyes were always glittering and mischievous, something that was absolutely irresistible, but beyond all of her aesthetic attributes was the core of who she was. Sam was kind, compassionate, giving, and understanding. She was a wonderfully supportive friend, a great listener, and someone he knew he could turn to for comfort. On top of all that, she was exquisitely passionate. She loved her friends and family with fervor, gave one hundred and ten percent to her writing, and always had issues she wanted to discuss. Her passion was probably the thing Joe loved most about her.

Just before the ride ended Sam opened her eyes back up and sighed again, this time happily. She rested her head against his shoulder again and he rested his head on hers. The carousel came to a slow stop and they departed, walking over to the bench they had approached before and sitting down.

“That was wonderful, Joe, thank you,” she said.

“You’re very welcome, Sam.”

“You’re too good to me.”

“Nah,” Joe disagreed, nudging her again. “I just do it to shut you up.”

“Oh, whatever.”

“Men don’t ride merry-go-rounds, Sam. They only begrudgingly agree to accompany a woman onto one.”

“It’s not a merry-go-round, smart ass. It’s a carousel,” she corrected. “And you seemed to be having a good time.”

“How would you know? Your eyes were closed the whole time!” he accused.

Her cheeks flushed red and she turned away. “Not the whole time.”

Joe was flattered to hear this but chose not to speak on it. He didn’t want to ruin the crazy thoughts in his head, the ones that just made him feel like things were changing. They couldn’t change. That was bad.

Sam was silent as well, but Joe knew immediately that her attitude was shifting yet again. He didn’t want her to start worrying again but he felt it was pointless to try and shake her from it. After all, it wasn’t just going to go away on its own and he knew that Sam had a tendency to overthink things. It was part of that passionate side of her, a part that was frequently an obstacle.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked her after she made no move to begin talking. If nothing else, he was going to get her to express herself. That always seemed to help.

She shrugged in response, sitting back against the bench. “I don’t know, just life.”

“‘Just life?’ What does that mean ‘just life?’” he spouted. “You have to tell me, I’m your best friend, and I’ve been so nice to you all night...”

“Don’t try that Jewish guilt on me,” she said pointing an accusing finger at him. “It doesn’t work.”

“Oh come on, I have to use it on someone, I’ve got so much of it.” Joe smirked. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s… Well, it’s life, Joe, just life!” she said, throwing her hands in the air, exasperated. “I wish it was clearer. Like, I don’t know… you start out on this road in high school, thinking things are going to go one way and that you’ve made the right decision in a life partner, and then out of nowhere, life says ‘Nope!’ and takes it away from you. And then, for all of your hard work and suffering, life gives you this one amazing chance at love and happiness only to take it away and make you wait and wait for it to come back. When it finally does, life makes you think that it’s going to be okay from here on out, that you’re going to be happy and that you’re not going to struggle and then it starts to laugh at you and decides it’s going to ruin your happiness by just taking it away again. Why, Joe? Why does life want us to be miserable? It makes no sense to me…” Sam spit everything out at once and then took a deep, cleansing breath. “Sorry. You asked for it.”

“I did, I did,” he agreed, nodding. “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated, Sam, but life… Life isn’t easy. Love isn’t easy. Believe me.” Joe clamped his mouth shut for a second, still unwilling to let anything slip.

Sam, however, wasn’t going to let this go so easily. She narrowed her eyes at him, turning on the bench so she could stare at him. He turned to her, unable to hold her piercing gaze for long. If he stared into her eyes for too long he knew the last of his will would crumble and he would confess everything.

She opened her mouth a couple of times, deciding against whatever she was going to say before finally speaking. Her voice was quiet and guarded, like she knew she was about to say something that could start some kind of emotional thunderstorm. “What happened with you and Sharon?”

So much happened inside Joe all at once that he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to completely explain what happened. First, there was the shock that she had brought this subject up yet again, coupled with the confusion of why she was so determined to know the answer. The fear, on top of the shock and confusion was nearly crippling. He didn’t want her to know the truth but he didn’t want to lie to her, either. She had asked him this numerous times throughout the years, so he knew that she just had a natural curiosity about it, but now he suspected that she must have had a suspicion there was something he wasn’t telling her, something important. Among the other emotions he was already dealing with was the frustrating joy he was feeling, an agonizing exuberance he couldn’t really deny. There was a part of him (deep, deep down though it was) that wanted to just confess everything to her, thereby taking full advantage of her current state of vulnerability and perhaps swaying her into his favor, since he could provide her the love and affection she was sorely missing elsewhere.

This was the particular emotion that Joe had the hardest time handling and the hardest time trying desperately to deny. He was a good person and he didn’t like to hurt anyone, especially those closest to him. Tom was a good friend, and on top of that, a good man. There was no denying that about Tom Hiddleston. He was genuine, one of the most sincere people Joe knew, the kind that would give you the shirt off his back and cared deeply for the family he had created for himself. Tom had his faults, but everyone did, and overall, he was a good husband and father.

Unfortunately, Joe couldn’t help but notice that there was trouble in paradise. He had watched as Tom’s attentiveness to his wife waned and then faded completely and knew that at some point, Sam would need him more than she had before. To be honest, there was no actual intent on Joe’s part to pounce, securing his place next to Sam in place of Tom. No, that had not been the purpose; he had just wanted to get close to Sam. He wanted to be near her, wanted to hold her in his arms for a second, feel what it was like to be there, with her.

Joe’s intentions were purely selfish. It was always about being close to Sam, no matter how he did it. Normally, these selfish, insanely cruel thoughts about his relationship with Sam were easy to dispel. Over the past few months it had become harder and harder to quiet them. The last couple of days they had been deafening.

“I know, I know, you hate it when I ask you,” Sam’s voice sounded far off but Joe came back to her quickly. He realized that he had sat silent for nearly a full minute, not responding to Sam’s question. She sounded slightly panicked as she reasoned with him. Joe would have stopped her sooner but he couldn’t make his voice work quite yet. “I don’t know what it is, over the past few months I’ve just been thinking more and more about it and I can’t figure out why you’ve always been so cryptic about it. I mean… I’ve even talked to Sharon about it and she wouldn’t tell me what happened, either. I really don’t get it.”

This was enough to snap Joe back to the present. He found his voice quickly, asking, “You talked to Sharon about it? When did you talk to her? What did she say?”

“Easy,” Sam said, taken aback. She was staring at him with an incredibly puzzled expression, continuing. “I asked her a couple of weeks after you guys broke up, since you weren’t talking to me about it. I really wanted to know what the reason was.”

“Why?” Joe spat. He didn’t mean to sound so angry. He was scared, not angry, and desperately wanted to get Sam off the subject. “Why the hell was it any of your business, Sam?”

Sam’s confusion quickly slipped into one of affront. “Excuse me?”

“My reasons for breaking up with Sharon are just that. Mine,” he said, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. He had no idea what he was doing, yelling at Sam in public like this. It was insane and he didn’t know how to stop himself. He felt like he was careening out of control in his efforts to avoid telling Sam how he really felt.

“When the hell did you get so private?” she cried, trying to keep her voice down and not cause a scene. Luckily the crowd tonight wasn’t too thick. “You’ve always confided in me on a regular basis, up to your relationship with Sharon and everything after. It’s the one damn thing you can’t tell me about, and all of a sudden your business is private?”

“There are some things I just don’t want to tell you about, okay?” Joe answered, not bothering to lift his head up. He knew if he did that everything would spill out. He felt on the edge of a precipice, where one more nudge and he’d be ready to confess. He had to teeter himself back the other way and facing Sam in this enraged state would break him. “Maybe I need some things to be private. Maybe I like it that way.”

“I don’t believe you,” Sam said coldly above him. “There’s something else going on here, and I want to know what it is. What’s so horrible that you can’t tell me about?”

“It’s not…” Joe took a steadying breath, closed his eyes, and stretched up from his sitting position. When he opened his eyes he stared intently down at his hand, resting on his leg. He could not look at her. “It’s not horrible, Sam. It’s not like that.”

“Well, then what’s it like?” Sam demanded. “There’s not a single thing you could tell me that will make me think any differently of you. You’re still my Joe. What is so big that you could think that would ever change? You’ll always be my Joe.”

The next couple of seconds happened quickly but for Joe, the moment was so agonizing that it happened in slow motion. All at once, Joe’s eyes swept up from his hand, landing smack dab in the middle of Sam’s penetrating gaze. His breath caught in his throat, his heart skipped a beat, and all the sound around him drowned out, leaving a rushing sound in his ears before time seemed to speed up into overdrive until he was in the present, opening his mouth and speaking the words that would haunt him forever.

“You’re wrong.”

“What? No I’m not.”

“Yes. Yes you are. There’s just one thing that I could tell you right now that would change absolutely everything.”

“W-What do you mean?” Sam’s voice was shaky. He knew she was onto him, and all of the warning bells went off in his brain, those horrible thoughts that he had tried so hard to fight for so long had finally won. Now that he had started, he couldn’t stop. It was now or never. 

“You want me to give you some bullshit story about how Sharon and I just weren’t compatible and that it was so banal I didn’t even bother telling you what happened. You want me to say that either one of us was unfaithful, and too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. You’d even accept some sordid tale about a sexual quirk that I couldn’t handle. All of those things, Sam, I know you would forgive me for, but there’s just one explanation for all of this that will affect our relationship in a negative way.”

“How do you know it would be negative?” Sam asked, sounding panicked.

“There’s no other way for it to go, Sam, I’ve considered it.”

The air was thick with tension but Joe let Sam ponder it for a second before she whispered, “Tell me.”

Joe breathed deeply and turned to Sam. If he was doing this, he was going to be looking at her. He wasn’t going to tell a woman he loved her with his back turned, especially this woman. He gingerly reached out and took her hands in his, taking the second to appreciate the moment before everything changed. She was so lovely, so wonderful and patient. He never wanted to forget how she felt in this exact moment, because from here on out, she would feel differently.

Once he had the courage, he took a deep breath and began. “Sharon was a wonderful person. She was caring and considerate and any man in his right mind would be ecstatic to have her meet his mom. I would never be able to give Sharon that. Ever.”

“Why?” Sam breathed, although he suspected she might know the answer.

“Because for all of Sharon’s lovely qualities, there is one thing she will never ever be. You.”

Sam sat back immediately, yanking her hands out of Joe’s grasp. His heart felt wounded but he knew he couldn’t expect happiness from her. Her face now bore a mixture of confusion, anger, and undeniable shock as she mouthed wordlessly for a second before finding her voice. “What… What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He didn’t want to scare her away. He had to tell her everything. He had to tell her that he didn’t want to end her marriage or force a choice on her. He hadn’t meant to fall in love with her all those years ago and he had tried to talk himself out of it every day since, but it was there, strong and undeniable. He had to tell her all of this but for some reason he couldn’t find the words.

After a brief struggle for the right words, Joe knew he needed to speak. He had to explain this somehow. “It means that I couldn’t reconcile my feelings for you to give Sharon what she deserved. So I had to let her go.”

Sam frowned deeply at him, her eyes crazy with emotion. “Your feelings for me…”

“I-I never meant for it to happen, Sam,” he began. “I never wanted to come between you and Tom and I never wanted you to be unhappy. I just wanted to be close to you… I tried so hard to talk myself out of how I felt for you, Sam, but it was pointless. I…” Joe’s gaze swept over Sam’s and for a brief second he saw the look in her eye shift from anger to something softer, an expectant look that shifted right back to her guarded veil of anger.

Joe wanted a few more minutes to prepare and calm himself down but he had to get through this. This was it. The moment he had feared for years was upon him. Whatever happened beyond this point was probably what was meant to happen anyway. At least it would finally be out there and he could get some closure.

“Sam, for whatever it’s worth…” he squeezed his eyes shut one more time, opening them just in time to finally, after so many long years, utter the words, “I’m in love with you.”


	14. Chapter 14 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

“It seems like for whatever reason you’ve just… I don’t know, like you don’t want to talk to me.”

“No, no, it’s not that, love. I’ve a lot on my mind.”

I nod placidly, just to cut the conversation with my husband short. My heart feels broken and I don’t want to hurt myself anymore by begging this man to communicate with me when he just doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter to me what we say at this point, because we haven’t talked for nearly two weeks, which seems like such a short amount of time but for us, it’s like a lifetime.

It is so unlike Tom to be silent, especially with me. There have been countless nights that we were awake until the sun came up, just laying together while we talked. Due to my initial misgivings about getting married so quickly, Tom had promised that our marriage would work, our marriage would be one based on trust, openness, and above all else, communication.

Up until thirteen days ago, that was exactly how things had gone.

I am not exactly sure what it was that really started it, but I am positive it can be narrowed down to a particularly bad week, workwise, for Tom. For some reason, every single thing he was trying to get done on his latest project hit a snag and his agent decided to book him for several interviews and press junkets that conflicted with family events he’d already specified. It was all quite overwhelming and somewhere in the midst of all that madness, Tom forgot to let me in on what was going through his mind. This is incredibly frustrating, because above all else, I want my husband to be happy.

I prop myself up against the doorjamb in his office. I have consistently requested a drama and stress free workspace of my own so I only think it’s fair to respect that for Tom as well. I give him a meek smile, hoping that this is enough for him to finally just fall back against his office chair and spill everything. I’m not sure what else will work at this point, because all of my usual plays have failed. For whatever reason, Tom is not responding the way Tom usually responds. He is not my Tom anymore.

The thought only serves to further cause my heart distress.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk? I’m here,” I say, trying not to sound like I’m begging. I don’t want to push him but he’s not acting like himself and it’s worrisome. I just don’t know how to tell him that and receive a response that is not dismissive.

I watch as he visibly struggles to answer my question. For a second, a softer expression dances across his face, an expression I recognize and for that second, my heart is lighter because I see the man I know, but just as quickly, it disappears and I feel the hope leave once again. It is perhaps harder to feel the hope here and there and then lose it than just losing it entirely.

At the same time, I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

“I’m all right, sweetheart,” he says, and the smile he gives me is so sad that versus saying a word, I simply nod in acquiescence and leave the room just as he turns away from me to get back to his computer.

I wander down the hallway, feeling a little aimless and lost. I am trying not to get too down about his attitude right now, because we have definitely had some issues in the past before, so hopefully this is just a rough patch for us, one that will eventually pass.

I find myself in the living room after a moment. My girls are in here, occupied and content. Izzie is watching a movie while Emma listens to her music while playing on her phone. I am thankful they get to spend some time together, but it’s really too bad that they’re so far apart right now. They’re essentially in the same room but not really together. There’s no communication, no sharing, no intimacy between my daughters.

My heart hammers in my chest because I am instantly aware of the parallels I am drawing between my daughters’ relationship with one another and my relationship with Tom. Instead of lingering too long in here, staring sadly at the girls, I duck out and leave them to their own devices. I am so unwilling to accept their distance. Eventually they will find their way to each other again and become closer than ever. At some point in the future, these two girls will be grateful they have each other.

I enter the kitchen and decide to fix myself a pot of coffee. I might as well. I have a lot of work to do and coffee tends to help my focus. Right now I really could use the extra help, since my mind is wandering so badly. I don’t want to think about Tom, his cool words and our ever widening distance.

“Stop it, Sammy,” I whisper to myself as the coffeemaker starts up. “You’re being stupid. Tom is your husband, your partner… he wouldn’t abandon you for no reason.”

I start to feel myself calm down. I’m being silly. I am doing what I always do, what Tom is always giving me shit for to begin with. I am overanalyzing, worrying, and being downright ridiculous. I need to just clear my head and get to work. At some point, Tom will be over whatever it is that is going through his mind and we will be on the right track again.

“Hey, Dad, can I go to Shelly’s tomorrow night?”

“Did you ask your mother yet?”

“No…”

“Whatever Mum says goes, you know that.”

Emma groans and I bite the inside of my cheek. She knows that I will say no, because it is a school night and she is not doing well in her math class. I’ve already told her she needs to stay home and study, and since Tom is usually the pushover where I am the disciplinarian (especially when it comes to Emma), she has opted to curry his favor first.

“Don’t start,” Tom says, his tone low and dangerous.

“But –”

“Emma.” A beat of silence. “I seem to recall Mum telling you that your grades could use some improving and until then, you are not to go out on school nights.”

“Dad!”

“End of discussion. I happen to agree with your mum’s decision on this.”

Another loud groan of disgust follows Tom into the kitchen, where I am standing at the island, watching. I give him a wide smile, because the entire time they’ve been having this discussion I have been anxious and excited, thankful that Tom and I are on the same page.

I am even allowing myself to feel happy instead of worried. It seems as though things will get better, and that for whatever Tom is going through, it’s only a patch and nothing else.

I’m so glad, in fact, that I completely miss the fact that he is ignoring me. My bright smile went unnoticed and he has ghosted me on his trek to the refrigerator. Unaware of these two slights, I simply step back and approach him cautiously, as though at any moment he’ll lash out and tell me to leave him alone. He’d probably put it more eloquently, though.

“Thank you,” I whisper to him as I sneak up behind him.

He turns back after grabbing himself an iced tea and finally gazes at me, his face impassable. “Of course. You make the rules. I just help to enforce them.”

“I still appreciate it,” I tell him and I flash him a smile, tilting my head up to indicate I want a kiss.

Tom doesn’t kiss me. Instead he stares at me a second longer and I see conflict behind his stormy blue eyes. I know my husband and I know how his brain works. He has something on his mind, something he wants to say but something he can’t seem to share with me. Normally, I’d be right there to back him up and handle the heavy load, ask him what’s going on and thus, elicit the conversation that needs to happen.

For some reason though, I can’t bring myself to speak the words. My soul is suddenly heavy with memories of all the times I’ve had to do this for him. I realize that it takes a great deal of courage for me to keep begging him to talk to me. I recall the fact that he is consistently relying on me to be the one to open these conversations instead of just doing it himself, and all at once, I am tremendously angry.

And that’s when, for no reason at all, memories of living in a torturous limbo assault my consciousness. The five years I waited, cried, and wished every waking moment that Tom would come home to me are active in my mind. I am achingly aware that my husband is the same frightened man he always was, and I am tired of carrying the strength for the two of us.

So instead of opening the conversation like he is expecting me to or bothering to wait for the kiss I am not going to receive, I sigh, give him a perfunctory smile that won’t quite reach my fiery eyes, and walk away. It takes me an entire minute to realize that he is not following me.

 

Sammy: Now

 

Samantha Lynne Chance had always been a trusting person. She tried her hardest to always see the best in people, understanding that people had their faults, but deep down, most of them were good. For the most part, this was true. Sammy wanted to always make sure she was surrounded by people she knew and loved, so the instant someone didn’t make her feel that way anyway, she knew it was time to get rid of that person.

As Sammy sat on a dimly lit bench that evening, her best friend sitting across from her with his eyes expectant, she couldn’t help but think that she had made another fatal mistake when it came to trust. After her first marriage to Zach Newman, Sammy tried not to bring people in too closely before she really got to know them. Joe had been among the few that gained all of her trust, as much as was allowed to Molly.

That was saying something.

Now she was sitting here, faced with the possibility that the one person aside from Tom she knew she could count on had just gone and done the unspeakable. In fact, it was so outrageous that Sammy found herself unable to articulate a proper thought for a good period of time. It didn’t seem like it was real. She didn’t know whether she should laugh or scream at him, the shock was so enormous.

This should have been the one unspoken rule of their close friendship. Things like this shouldn’t happen. She couldn’t have him loving her in ways he knew he couldn’t and she certainly couldn’t be having thoughts of him holding her, kissing her, telling her how wonderful she was instead of making her feel as though she were worthless. It was all pointless to even speculate on, so why bother?

There was absolutely no chance she could leave her husband. He was her husband. She had committed to be with him for the rest of her life and they had a family together. She didn’t want to put her daughters through the kind of hell that would come with a divorce. She had considered it once or twice, what would actually happen if they ever split up, and Sammy knew the answer was not pretty. Tom would have nothing tying him to Michigan anymore and he would either move back to London or to California (to remain in the States for the girls). Either way it went, Sammy knew that she’d lose her children for six months out of the year and she didn’t want to part with them if she didn’t have to.

Then there was a small, nagging part of Sammy’s brain that told her maybe it was better that the girls didn’t have to grow up with their parents being consistently unhappy. Tom knew a little bit about how that felt, his parents having divorced when he was younger. He had to understand somewhere that it might be easier on everyone if they didn’t try to make the marriage last long past the point it should.

And it was not as if they were already at that point. After all, neither of them had done anything incredibly egregious, something meant to end a relationship. They hadn’t been unfaithful to one another and she knew that it was the coward’s way of doing it.

Then again… maybe sometimes you couldn’t control your infidelity. There were two kinds, after all; physical and emotional. Sammy lifted her eyes a bit. She was trying hard to keep staring at her hands and not meet Joe’s eyes. She knew if she did, whatever she saw there would absolutely break her. If not for the fact that she had missed someone looking at her with such longing, she knew that there would be no way for her to resist seeing that look on Joe’s face.

Yes, there was something there for Joe. Did that mean she had to acknowledge it? No. She absolutely couldn’t. There was so much wrong with just accepting that Joe was Joe and that maybe hearing about his feelings wasn’t entirely terrible. Here he was. And where was Tom?

This thought finally gave her the courage to speak. It still took a second for her to clear her throat and try to silence the thrashing of her heart in her chest. She could barely hear with all the blood rushing to her ears and she needed a moment to collect herself but she had to talk.

“Joe,” she croaked, clearing her throat again. “Do you have any idea what you’re saying?”

He blinked at her, seemingly confused. “Of course I do, Sam, I know exactly what I’m saying.”

“No, I didn’t mean it literally!” she said, an unexpected frustration starting in her chest. She couldn’t explain the reaction, but she knew that deep down it wasn’t what she was really trying to feel.

“I know,” he said simply, nodding to emphasize his point. “And I do understand the risks of telling you how I feel. Not only do I risk betraying and losing my friendship with Tom, I am very well risking losing you… and I don’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to tell you, Sam, believe me. I tried for so long not to tell you.”

Sammy felt herself get more upset. ‘Tried for so long’ implied that he’d been having feelings for a lot longer than just recently, which was what she had assumed. She frowned deeply, trying not to let her anger show on her face. “What do you mean by that, Joe? Tell me.” She kept her voice as steady as possible but Joe still knew her well enough to know what she was trying to suggest. He had no choice but to tell her.

“Sam, the reason I’m so anxious about telling you all of this is because I have had the time to think about what I’m going to say to you. I’ve considered all the options. I’ve weighed the risks of telling you versus going on for years and years without saying a word just so I don’t have to lose you, and I’m at the point where I feel like I really just need to tell you. Watching you this past year… it’s just absolutely broken my heart.” Joe paused here, lowering his head quickly and trying to discreetly rub his eyes.   
Sammy herself was quite dumbstruck and was teetering on the edge between just lashing out at Joe or losing her shit while she bawled hopelessly. She waited for Joe to finish what he was saying before she chose her response. “I can’t stand to see you so unhappy, Sam…”

“And you think saying that would make me happy?” Sammy choked out.

“No, that’s not it.”

“Then what is it!” Sammy was starting to get angry. “If you’re going to sit there and tell me something like that then there better be a good damn reason!” What gave him the right to say that to her? Why did he have to go and ruin their perfectly good, platonic friendship by bringing love into it? Sure, she had a lot of love for Joe. He was a fantastic friend, a good man, and he was always there when she needed him. Under normal circumstances, Sammy and Joe would have fit together quite well, but these were not normal circumstances. She was married with children and they were best friends. She couldn’t compromise that. Joe said he was scared to lose her. Sammy was just as scared. She needed him in her corner. Why in the hell would he ever damage their friendship by doing something stupid, like falling in love with her?

It took a second for Joe to speak because he was looking away from her again. Sammy hated seeing him this upset. She had only seen Joe break down a couple of times and those were for strictly family related reasons. It broke her heart those two times and this time was no exception. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes and she desperately wished she had the remaining strength to keep them from escaping her eye. Joe sighed heavily and lifted his head once he had composed himself. Sammy was taken aback when, for the first time, she met his gaze entirely. She was so overwhelmed by the look in his eye that she was rendered speechless. She knew this would afford Joe the necessary amount of time for him to say what he needed to.

“Sam,” Joe finally whispered, staring at her imploringly. Sammy held her breath as he spoke, praying the blood that still pounded in her ears died down enough so she could hear every single word. “If I could go back and change history, I would choose a different bar that night in San Diego.” He took another deep breath and Sammy noticed that it shook a bit, as though he were suppressing a sob. “I would have helped you through your heartbreak, I would have taken care of you. I would have asked you to stay by my side for the rest of our lives because I know that the moment I would have laid eyes on you I would have been head over heels in love with you… I know that because I was.”

“What?” Sammy whispered, her voice so tentative that the word was almost a sigh. She was a complete basket case as she listened to this wish, this fairy tale of a life that for them, would never came to pass.

“Sundance, when we first met. I saw you on the red carpet before I even met you and Tom…” his gaze was far off now as he conjured the memories, his voice wistful and a grin spreading across his face. Sammy felt slightly weak at the sight of it. “This beautiful little blonde vision in red… There was something about her. She had some kind of a fire in her eyes, it let you know that she was passionate. She was affectionate and happy and just absolutely magnetizing… How could I not fall head over heels in love with her the first time I saw her?”

All at once, the forgotten anger and frustration came flooding back with a vengeance. She was furious with him. There was no way he had been hiding this for so long. It was roughly around a decade they had known each other. It was absolutely insane to believe that for so many years Joe had been in love with her from afar. It just didn’t seem to make any sense.

Something was gnawing at the back of Sammy’s mind, scrambling to get her attention but she ignored it. She was too focused on her anger to trudge back into the confines of rationality. Instead of trying to calm herself down, Sammy popped up from the bench, much to Joe’s surprise, and glared down at him. She wasn’t sure just how fiery hot her eyes were, but she knew that they must have been blazing fiercely for the expression on Joe’s face. She hated feeling this way and she certainly did not like aiming it at all at Joe. Joe was the one person she knew she never had to get this angry with. Until now.

“How DARE you?” she said, trying to keep her voice quiet. Causing a scene would only make things worse. “What gives you the right to tell me this? You know damn well that I am married and that I would never betray my husband and family because you have a crush or something!”

“A crush?” Joe said, incredulous. “You don’t seem to understand what I’m saying to you, Sam. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“That’s not possible, Joe. There’s no way you’ve had feelings and not said anything for this long. Do you have any idea what that would mean?” she pleaded with him, some of the anger ebbing as the desperation began to sink in. Joe had changed everything about the nature of their relationship with this admission. As Sammy tried her best to analyze it in the small amount of time she had, one horrible realization dawned over her and all at once, her body went numb. She felt the crushing weight of her anguish as she opened her mouth to repeat it to Joe. “This means that no matter what happens, somewhere at the end of all of this…” Her voice was shaking now, but it wasn’t the anger doing it anymore. The tears she had begged so hard not to come forward had betrayed her, like everything else, and her face was soaked with them in a matter of seconds. She gathered her wits just long enough to breathe the rest of her sentence to Joe, who was anxiously waiting for her to continue.

“No matter what happens, I’ll lose one of you,” was the last thing Sammy said before the emotions overwhelmed her to the point where she knew she couldn’t face Joe any longer. Without another word, Sammy did the most sensible thing she could think of. She ran.

It seemed ridiculous the moment she started to actually run away from Joe, but once she started she couldn’t seem to get herself to stop. She was in her forties and she wasn’t nearly as active as she should have been, so sooner or later this was a decision she would come to regret. She wanted a destination but for some reason could not seem to think of one. All she could focus on was getting away, finding somewhere to be that was simply removed from the situation entirely. Sammy had to get back to herself, she had to remember what the true problem here was and go over it again and again and make sure she told herself that she was on the wrong side of this.

Because Sammy was starting to understand that the real reason this was such a devastating thing to hear was not simply because she thought she was going to lose Joe’s friendship. It was directly related to the fact that on some level, in Sam’s heart and soul, she couldn’t lose Joe.

Sammy denied the thought vehemently and pressed her tired legs on a little further until she came up with the perfect place to plant herself. She found the previous fork they had come down earlier that night and swung around toward the bridge. If she was going to go somewhere to think and consider what all of this meant to her, it was the absolute last place she should go, yet something deep inside was drawing her there and she didn’t want to ignore it a second longer.

She reached the bridge and had the briefest second to observe the emptiness surrounding her, and settled on her bench, thankful for the privacy.

Sammy set her head back on the bench and braced herself against it, as if at any moment a strong, swift wind storm would blow past and that would be the worst of it and this would just be over already. But unfortunately that is not how this would go. This was not like anything she’d endured with Tom over the past year. No, their conflicts were much less direct than this and it was easier to avoid the issues entirely and cease intermarriage communication than deal with what was really going on. At this point, though, Sammy was unaware what the initial cause of this rift was. She briefly recalled Tom becoming distracted by his work, unable and sometimes unwilling to communicate. She remembered that at one point or another, she must have given up because it wasn’t as though she would have just thrown in the towel without some kind of provocation. However, it was such a long time ago and so many other matters had arisen in their relationship that it wasn’t even a fleeting thought anymore.

This particular issue, however, was not like all the others. This was something she had to deal with and she knew that Joe would demand an answer. He wasn’t nearly as patient and sweet tempered as Tom, and he wasn’t her husband and father of her children. He had a little more leeway when it came to being crude, so for that, she had no respite. She had to come up with something and she hated facing this head on.

Sammy’s previous revelation to herself, the brief one that had caused her to flee so dramatically came back to her with a force so great it nearly heaved her forward. She had to take a moment to catch her breath and try to weave her way through the tangled mess that was this entire situation. She didn’t know where to begin, so first, she decided it was time to figure out just exactly how long Joe had actually been in love with her. There was absolutely no way he had been in love from the beginning. It was entirely possible that he had harbored a crush, but no one fell in love that quickly.

Sammy grimaced to herself. No one else fell in love that quickly.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Sammy decided to delve back into the recesses of her brain, starting from her most recent memories of Joe all the way back to the moment they met, she wanted to retrace her steps. Now that she had the knowledge of his affections, she knew how to spot it. It was like watching a movie that had an incredibly twist ending for the second time and spotting all the clues. Sammy usually found this kind of task exciting. This time it was anything but.

Sammy started with their time through the park. There was so much to pay attention to and Sammy wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to weave through every year they had known one another to figure this out, but if she focused hard enough it might work. She noticed Joe’s consistent and tender shows of affection like hand holding and hugging. She spotted the playful yet somehow gentle way he teased her and the apparent easiness of their conversations. Most of all, though, Sammy took her time to how Joe looked at her.

There was something incredibly breathtaking about it and Sammy had no discernible idea how she had managed to look right past it for so many years. Had she really been so obtuse? On some level, she had to have known what it meant when she would catch him gazing at her. Sammy knew that for any woman to receive that kind of look from a man, he had to be unequivocally, uncontrollably, and unashamedly in love with her. If Sammy was honest with herself she knew that it was a very humbling realization. She knew that at one point, she had been the center of Tom’s world and now another good, sweet man was giving his whole heart to her. It was a heavy responsibility and Sammy didn’t know how to please everyone. No matter what, someone was going to get hurt.

Sammy backtracked even further in her memory to try and catch all the subtle cues. She flew right through the previous week they had spent together, the games they’d played with the girls, the dinners they’d shared, and she landed back on the night they’d spent on the porch. There had been a moment, small though it was, where Sammy had almost given in to her baser instincts, the ones she knew would get her into serious trouble.

Beyond that, Sammy saw more and more of the same in her most recent memories, which included all the time in the last year when she and Tom had been having most of their problems. Joe was always there when she called him, always speaking to her as though he valued her above all others. She continued on through the times they had actually been together during the year and she saw that this special gaze of his never faded.

Sammy took another deep breath and tried to track even further. It would make sense if Joe’s feelings had started developing during the year when she and Tom had been on the outs. She had been relying on him and confiding in him quite a bit more. So if she could go back a little more she would know if this was the real deal…

She skipped through the years. She remembered holidays, parties, and get-togethers, game nights at Joe’s and movie nights at home. In each and every memory she didn’t have too much trouble recalling she saw him. At one point she would see Joe ad he would either continue staring and smile at her or he would look away quickly. It seemed more often when Tom was around, Joe was more cautious about things like that. Overall, though, Sammy could tell what was going through her friend’s mind.

Sammy was alarmed to find herself backing through her recall even further than one, two, now three years. She remembered a particularly happy memory almost four years ago when Joe had serenaded her with a song at the bar, and as she thought about it she knew the song itself was highly suggestive. She berated herself further for not having figured it out sooner.

Further and further back she went, astonishing herself and giving a small gasp whenever she found that he did, indeed, possess that look. The whole time. There never seemed to be a moment where it wasn’t crossing his handsome features. Back through all the times Joe had come to stay with her when Tom was out of the country, back through the early days of their friendship, when Izzie had been a newborn. She was most surprised to recall some of the time she spent with Joe during her pregnancy where he had gazed at her anyway. Sammy knew she had not been at her most desirable, physically or mentally, but it still felt wonderful knowing that this was not something that deterred how Joe truly felt. He was always staring at her. It was always that gaze.

The more and more she saw it, the more she started to realize what a disaster all of this was. This was a hopeless situation. She couldn’t let Joe love her for another second. Something had to change, because now Sammy really understood. She had arrived at her final thought, which just so happened to be her very first memory of Joe. Sammy had no idea how it was even remotely possible, but above all definable explanation, that gaze was ever prevalent in Joe’s soft earth-brown eyes. There was no change in ferocity, either. It was the same from that moment to the moment she had heard him confess his true feelings.

For years and years, he had gazed at her. Joe had loved Sammy from afar, keeping his quiet distance and simply watching her love another man. For all of those years, he had voluntarily been her confidante, listening to her problems about work, motherhood, marriage, and anything else and enduring it just to be close to her. It was the kind of deep love that people didn’t feel often in their lives and here it was, all for someone who didn’t deserve it. Sammy felt awful for not being able to tell what was going on sooner and her heart broke all over again.

Her eyes were squeezed shut as she sat with her thoughts, her face stained with fresh tears. After a second or two of deep thought she heard the distinct sound of jogging footsteps approaching, slowing to a quick walk and then finally stopping in front of her. She didn’t dare open her eyes. Facing Joe was too hard and she just didn’t want to do it. Unfortunately, she had to do it at some point.

It was easiest to do that after she felt him kneel down in front of her, his arms sliding up tentatively on the bench against her legs, yet not quite touching. She shivered, not expecting the contact, and opened her eyes. She gasped at his closeness. Their faces were mere inches apart and she could feel his breath against her cheek, see the small wrinkles he had at the side of his eyes, not quite as predominant as Tom’s, but still there. The laugh lines along Joe’s cheeks possessed the most character, telling the story of who Joe was better than any random group of twenty-six letters could. He was jovial, good hearted, and passionate. He was serious but couldn’t find much that kept him from continuing to smile. Everything Sammy ever knew about Joe was right here in his handsome face.

Joe wasn’t speaking and she had an idea why. She knew the second she finally looked into those umber gems that the gaze would be there and it would catch her off guard. She wasn’t sure what she would do if she was caught off guard.

Joe’s fingers reached out against her legs and she gasped so deeply that her gaze was forced into his. Every single memory she’d recalled went through her mind at once and she blurted, “It-It’s true.” Joe still remained quiet, letting her speak her piece as he simply gazed at her. She tried to ignore his entrancing stare so she could summon the will to speak. “You’ve loved me… you’ve loved me from the beginning?”

“Yes,” he whispered, a thoughtful look crossing his features.

“You… All this time… And you never said anything… For so long, Joe… You watched… And you loved me?” Sammy was having a hard time speaking between the need to burst into tears. She felt like an insane, hormonal teenager that couldn’t hold back her tears at any given moment. This was all too much to process.

Joe gained a bit of confidence as he adjusted his stance, a soft, reassuring smile spread stretched across his lips and he raised a hand from the bench. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face, lightly grazing the skin of her cheek, just enough for a chill to spread down her spine and back up. She felt as though every nerve was on fire, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

“I didn’t plan on it, Sam, but I’m not going to apologize for it. No matter what happened then or what happens now, out of all of this, at least for a little while, I got you. And that’s a better gift than I could ever ask out of a lifetime.”

Sammy shook her head, wanting to deny anything he could say to her right now because she just couldn’t take it. “No, Joe, this is unfair. This is not okay. You deserve to be happy, you shouldn’t be standing back, unable to say how you feel because of something stupid…” Sammy was rambling but she meant every word. The guilt she felt was tremendous and she had no clue how to assuage it.

“Nothing about this is stupid. I have a lot of love for Tom and the girls as well, and I don’t deny that it was hard keeping my distance all of these years, but I don’t regret a second of any time I’ve spent with you and your family. You all mean the world to me,” Joe sighed, hanging his head for a second. “I know that you know all of this but I feel like I need to make that clear right now. Getting close to you and your family was never about trying to take Tom’s place in it…”

“I know,” Sammy automatically offered. She knew in her gut that Joe was honest about this and that comforted her somewhat. “I understand.”

“And for me, Sam, it was just about telling you how I felt for me, and it’s incredibly selfish and ridiculous for me to put that kind of burden on you so I can get something off of my chest, so I want to say I am sincerely sorry,” he said, his hand coming down from her ear to cup her cheek. She resisted the strong urge to lean into it. “I promise I will not be that selfish again.”

Sammy took everything in, weighing everything she could say and every single realization that had come to her over the past twenty minutes. There was so much confusion and negative feelings like guilt and anger that by the time she got through it all there was really only one thing left; love. At the bottom of all of the muck was this one shining pearl of truth, and that was that somewhere in all of this, the thing that brought her and Joe together was love. Whether it was romantic love, like Joe felt, or the platonic companionable love that Sammy had felt for so many years, it was what bound them and what neither of them could give up on.

“I believe you, Joe,” Sammy whispered to him in response to his promise. “But I’m scared… how can I lose someone I love?” She refused to acknowledge the fact that she was purposely refusing to specify any person in particular. “There’s so much at stake.”

There was a beat of silence where Sammy felt the energy pulsating around them as he considered what he was saying, pulling his hand away from her face to place against her leg. This time there was nothing tentative about it. His hands were definitely on her legs, fairly stationary, the occasional stray thumb tracing circles against her jeans. She needed to pull his hands away. He was getting too close. He shouldn’t be this close.

“It’s possible to love two people at once, Sam.”

“It’s… no, it’s wrong, it’s just… it’s not normal, okay?”

“Normal?” he chuckled. “I don’t know how normal it is to love two people with all your heart, Sam.” Sammy’s eyes refocused as he spoke her name, his voice quiet and husky. She fixed her gaze on his and couldn’t stop the drumming of her heart. It was a relentless reminder that she shouldn’t be feeling the way she was feeling. His lips parted and her eyes unwittingly flitted down to them, transfixed for a moment before wrenching themselves back up to his eyes. She had hoped he didn’t notice but she could tell he had. “But you know what? It’s perfectly normal to choose the one that makes you feel the most loved.”

And without warning, it all clicked into place and the guilt seemed to dissipate just long enough for Sammy to do something incredibly selfish. If Joe could be selfish once, she could, too.

It took less than a second for it to happen. Joe’s head tilted to just the right angle and without giving it one further thought, Sammy lunged herself forward and pressed her lips to his, drinking him in fully until she thought for a brief second that she would drown. Joe took her in so willingly that it surprised her. His hands grabbed her legs firmly and he brought himself up straight so that he could delve into her lips even deeper. Sammy held on for dear life, wrapping her arms around his neck and digging her fingers into the hair at the base of his neck. Everything she knew was gone. Nothing was bothering her because what Joe said was wise and it was just the push she needed to step outside of her comfort zone.

She knew that what she was doing was wrong. She knew that by doing this it could possibly mean the end of her marriage, but if it was going to end anyway than maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe exploring what it was like to be loved by someone who waited patiently and understood your value and worth because of it was not such a terrible injustice. Didn’t everyone deserve to be happy? Didn’t she deserve to be happy?

Sammy wanted to continue this with Joe and she knew how badly he wanted to as well, but she just couldn’t do it. The heavy guilt of her previous heinous, selfish thought about her life had rebuilt the guilt within her mind. It was now impossible to ignore. Tom was not a bad guy. He was a good man with a good heart and he didn’t deserve to be cheated on so callously simply because he wasn’t talking to her. He had done nothing wrong. He had always been faithful to her, always tried to better himself for the sake of the relationship, had been a great father to their girls, and had never asked for anything in return from her except the love and support she was usually so anxious to give.

Regretfully, Sammy unwound her arms from Joe’s neck and ended the kiss, desperate to continue. Joe pulled back, frowning deeply down at her but not commenting. His arms were still around her and Sammy didn’t want to give him up just yet. Instead of turning around and running away, though, she simply scooted closer to Joe, wrapped her arms underneath his, and pressed her head to his chest. Joe instantly folded his arms around her, tucking her in close.

Sammy knew that from this point on, nothing would ever be the same, but just for this one moment, she could hold onto Joe like nothing had changed. She could imagine that everything was still the same; that Joe was her friend and that Tom hadn’t abandoned her. That way she wouldn’t lose anyone.

She didn’t want to break her own heart, but it was too late. Her heart now belonged to two different men.


	15. Chapter 15 - Tom

Tom: Then

 

“Honestly, Tom, there’s nothing more we can do without you here. We need some additional voiceover work that we didn’t get finished and figured out the last time you were at the studio.”

“There must be something you can do without me having to fly out to Los Angeles. I can find a way to provide you what you need from my home.”

“I don’t know, Tom, it’s not like we can just shuffle this through! Without the voiceover, we’re at a dead stop.”

I sigh heavily and rub my eyes, sitting back in my office chair. Currently, I am on a call with my producers regarding the film that debuted at Sundance a mere four months ago. I was incredibly nervous about its premiere but needn’t have been given the reactions afterward. Viewers and critics alike greatly enjoyed it and there was some talk now about moving it to feature cinema.

This, of course, is great news for my career and another step forward for me as a filmmaker. Normally, I would be uncontrollably excited about all of it and unable to focus on anything else. However on the night my film premiered in Utah I was also given the most wonderful news a man could ever receive. My wife and I discovered that we were expecting our second child.

It’s not my first child but it is my first experience with pregnancy and as such, I was adamant with my colleagues that I stay with Samantha through everything. I am exceedingly glad that I did this because it has been quite an adventure so far. I get to do all the things I didn’t get to do before, attending doctor’s appointments, watching ultrasounds, hearing heartbeats… things that truly change a man. Being a father is not new to me but getting to be there for the actual development of my child has been remarkable.

I feel so privileged to be a part of everything this time that I am trying extra hard to be a good, dutiful husband and father. I make sure that every one of my wife’s needs are met as well as my daughter’s, and I make sure things continue running smoothly in the household when Samantha is otherwise indisposed. She confessed to me almost two months ago that this pregnancy was already harder than her first. She said by that time, in her thirteenth week, most of the nausea and fatigue had subsided and she was starting to feel much better. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until Samantha’s eighteenth week this time around for her symptoms to alleviate.

For that reason alone, I told my producers I was absolutely need at home. If not to care for my sick wife, than to at least see that my daughter’s needs were met. She’s only seven; how could I possibly expect her to care for herself, completely self-sufficiently while also depending on a nearly bedridden woman in the event of a crisis? That would be utterly ridiculous.

It had been almost a month now without any near debilitating sickness. On occasion I do notice my wife turn a little green and take a moment to compose herself, but other than that, she is in great health and spirits. Besides, I am enjoying being a part of every moment of this pregnancy. Samantha is finally up and on her feet, and it is more apparent than ever that she is pregnant, which is adorable all on its own.

How can these people expect me to up and leave all of this? I try to bring myself out of my thoughts long enough to speak but before I can, I am interrupted.

“Tom, what can we do to compromise?” I hear and all at once, I feel incredibly tense. I am so unwilling to be shoved into a corner where I have to choose between the needs of my production over the needs of my family. On the one hand, there has to be a way to get my crew what they need without having to leave the state, but on the other hand this is an opportune time to get away. Samantha is no longer sick, Emma is still in school for another couple of weeks before the summer holiday, and spring has finally swept our small corner of the Midwest. It is a relief knowing there won’t be any adverse weather to impede my family at any moment. If I need to leave for a couple of days, I could.

“Let me talk to Samantha and we’ll figure something out,” I finally relent, because this is not even a question in my mind. I have to tell her before I just go ahead and make plans, especially while she’s pregnant. I explain this to them and then hang up, satisfied that I will figure this out the moment I mention it to Samantha and I see her initial expression. That always tells me what I need to know, more than her words can even say. Sometimes my bride is less than forthcoming.

I know I have to get this over with and if I can catch my wife in a good mood, I am going to take advantage of it. Usually about now she’s getting something to eat and she’s always happy after she eats. This thought makes me smile and I head to the kitchen, trying to suppress the urge to chuckle when I see Samantha in there, just finishing her bowl of cereal as I walk in. She narrows her eyes at me and with her own slightly playful smirk demands, “What? The baby wanted milk. I gave her milk.”

“Or him,” I tease her. We’ve decided not to learn the gender but she knows I don’t care either way. Boy or girl, I’m just thankful to be here this time. I’ll never forgive myself for missing Emma.

“Yeah, yeah,” she mutters, rinsing out her bowl and walking back over to the table. “So what’s the word with Jan? Does she need you to come out to LA?”

I frown. “Yes, but how did you know that?”

“Joe’s got a big mouth,” she says unapologetically. I’m a little surprised, to be honest. We’d only met Joe a few months ago, so I wouldn’t have expected a friendship to sprout so quickly. Then again, stranger things had happened.

“Well, what do you think? Should I go?” I ask, deciding it’s best to plunge right in.

She sighs and rests her cheek against her hand, frowning in thought. “How long would they need you?” she asks after a pause. I explain to her the nature of the task and that it shouldn’t take more than a day to accomplish everything I need to before I could be back on a plane and home in case she or Emma needs me. She listens and nods, pursing her lips in concentration. “So you’d be gone for… what? Four or five days at the most?”

“I was thinking more like two,” I say, surprised she expected me to be gone for nearly a week.

“You can take a couple of extra days away, Tom,” she assures me, a soft smile on her lips. “You’ve been here every single day from the start and I am so grateful for you.” We exchange a loving smile and pause to simply appreciate one another. She continues. “You know, I’m feeling better now and we don’t have any pressing appointments coming up, so it might be the perfect time.”

I stare at her silently. I know Samantha is much more relaxed about being alone than I am since this is not her first pregnancy so I think that maybe I should just go ahead and trust her. It is her body after all, so I’m sure if she says she can handle it, she can. After a beat, I say, “D’you think?”

“I know,” she says with a smile and goes to stand up. She has a hand resting on her swollen belly and for a moment I see a pained expression cross her features.

Instantly, I am concerned. I practically jump across the table to get to her side. I wrap her up with one arm and rest my hand next to hers, wanting to feel what she feels. “Are you all right, my love?”

“Calm down,” she gently chides. “She’s just moving around. She does that sometimes after I eat.”

“Are you sure? You look like you’re in pain.”

“No, no pain,” she tells me. “Just discomfort.”

I open my mouth to retort that it’s basically the same thing when my words fall short. Underneath our now intertwined fingers is the unmistakable feeling of our baby kicking. My heart starts to race and my eyes widen. I glance over at my wife, tears filling my eyes in the absence of conversation. Samantha’s eyes are glistening as well and I try not to lose control. It is the first time I have been able to feel what Samantha always feels. It is an experience that I could never, in a million years, get back.

Once I have a reign on my emotions, I lean in and press my lips to the crown of Samantha’s head. I let my face rest there for a second as I drink this moment in. I am so fortunate that I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman I consider my soul mate, partner, and best friend, and on top of that, she is the mother of my children. What more could a man ask for?

I lift my head and look my wife in the eye, giving her the special smile I save just for her. “I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”  
 

Tom: Now

 

The long, arduous journey across the continental United States finally ended in Chicago, Illinois not a moment too soon. There had been a delay at his second layover in Atlanta which had put them almost an hour behind schedule. It wasn’t as if he had someone waiting on him, so he didn’t feel guilty about inconveniencing anyone. He was, however, starting to get very anxious about getting home before Samantha made any decisions without his input. He knew she wasn’t an irrational woman and that she wouldn’t just throw away what they had without at least waiting for an explanation. He was sure at this point that Joe must have told her what was going on, which explained why he hadn’t heard from her again. He could only assume the conversation he’d overheard was a product of this admission. Why else would Samantha think that their marriage was irreparable?

So many terrified thoughts swirled through Tom’s brain and he just needed to get home so he could figure out what was going on without him. He hoped the girls were doing all right. He missed them terribly and wished he’d been able to at least ask about the girls the last time he’d talked to his wife.

Once he gathered his things from the baggage carousel he navigated his way quickly over to the car rental place so he could get on the road. It would be another two hour drive from here and he didn’t want anything else barring him from getting home.

Luckily, the line at the car rental was short and most of the paperwork was pretty straightforward. He took down the location he was to drop off the car at home and waited anxiously as they processed his information to finally give him the keys to the rental.

The second he had the keys in hand Tom was out the door and on the road, nervous about this last leg of his journey home. As anxious as he was to get home to figure everything out, he was equally as scared about this conversation. He was mostly afraid of the outcome. Whatever they ended up discussing and figuring out, he knew that he just did not want to lose her. He couldn’t imagine a life without her in it anymore. Samantha, whether or not she realized it, had greatly changed his life from the very beginning. The instant he saw the vivacious blonde in ravishing pink he’d known his life was forever changed. Diving headfirst into it had seemed the only logical idea at the time, because how could you deny an attraction that strong?

Tom would never be sorry for that wonderful week of his life but he would always regret only letting it be a week. Samantha told him that there was no sense in holding onto the regrets of the past because in the end, they found each other and wasn’t that the most important thing? She was right, of course, but every time he thought about talking to his wife or discussing something he was too afraid to face, he was reminded of that same young, scared idiot that had ducked into a town car instead of staying and fighting for the woman he loved. The guilt was insurmountable. He just wanted to be the man that Samantha thought he was.

Or at least, the man she used to think he was. That thought alone was heartbreaking but he tried not to dwell on the ‘what ifs’ of this whole situation. He wouldn’t assume anything until he got the chance to talk to Samantha one on one. It was the right way to do it. He knew that by not worrying and stressing about what was going on in his wife’s head, he could focus on the issues that mattered and not just start saying whatever he felt she needed to hear to get her to stay. He knew he would do it. he would say whatever it took and he wanted to be honest with her. He also didn’t want to back down from the issues he had with her, because even though he was the one that had prolonged this fractured silence between them, there was a reason things had gone south in the first place.

Tom felt better having this to focus on. The decision to not worry about the future of his marriage was easier said than done and now he needed a task.

For his part in their five year separation he knew he owed his wife a great deal. He had promised her back then that he would come back for her, that their time was not over. He knew, in a sense, that he had kept that promise to her. He couldn’t imagine the depth of Samantha’s despair as she waited and waited for him to show up. Year after year she he disappointed her. After their reunion she had confessed to him that for those lost years she’d actively kept off of the internet, which explained her mysterious disappearance from social media (he had tried looking for her several times before finally finding Molly Walker, his wife’s best friend and the only active family she still had). He felt terrible for this. He had never meant for Samantha to go through any of it and he still felt guilty, no matter what his wife said.

However, there were many things Samantha had done to handle that situation that he’d been fairly furious about. He didn’t thoroughly discuss the issue with too many other people, but the couple of friends he had confided in told him that he was allowed this fair amount of outrage. Not only had he missed out on the formative years of his daughter’s life, he had been denied the time with the woman he loved. He deserved to be angry about it.

Thankfully, most of the anger subsided over the situation but the underlying personality traits were there, ones he didn’t bother to notice because everything about their reunion had been so distracting and stressful it was just a relief to be over the drama and back with the woman he belonged with. Samantha was a master of keeping all of her true thoughts and feelings bottled up until there was a boiling point and instead of a calm discussion between two rational adults, it turned into an entire night’s worth of crying, yelling, and storming out and it seemed utterly ridiculous to him. If she would just speak up the moment she had a problem, they could address and solve the problems without wasting an entire evening arguing.

It was his frustration over this that had led to their original problems. Tired of constantly feeling like a bad husband and father, he had decided to delve further into his work to avoid being around his wife so long that he angered her again and then ended up in a never ending fight with her. Due to his prolonged absence and inability to communicate with his wife effectively, things had gone from bad to worse.

Tom was also distinctly aware of one aspect of his wife’s personality that greatly frustrated him. Mostly, Samantha was a good, strong woman, brimming with self-confidence, a bubbling sense of humor, and an intelligence and creativity that easily surpassed his own. However, there were times he had the sense that she didn’t think she was deserving of Tom. He could only postulate as to why. Underneath the movies and celebrity was a man, a very, very typical man. He needed a companion like any man. He needed someone to share his heart and his bed, someone to give him children, love, and a sense that somehow he too, was needed. Why Samantha had any fear in this at all seemed silly. He felt by leaps and bounds she was the far better person and always would be. The five years she was alone raising Emma was testament to her strength and will.

Occasionally though he had the impression that she was always expecting the other shoe to drop, as though at any moment he would seem to discover he’d made a mistake and return to London without her or the girls. He didn’t deny missing his hometown and he always looked forward to visiting, but home was wherever Samantha was. She’d made a request to stay in Michigan and it had not mattered at all to him, because as far as he was concerned, she could ask to live in a forgotten island out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and he’d agree, because they would be together and as long as they were together, he was happy.

Tom’s head felt full and heavy but the thinking had done a great deal of good. It had kept his mind effectively cleared of any thoughts of what could happen when he finally did get home. It was already Saturday afternoon and he was angry that it had taken him this long to even get to Michigan. His flight had taken off at seven the night before, landing at his first layover in Dallas eight hours later. After another two hours there, his flight finally landed in Atlanta another two hours after that, and then two more hours passed before he was on his flight to Chicago. He tried not to be too angry about it because it was still getting him home sooner than he would have been had he waited for the direct flight to Detroit on Sunday.

All in all he was going to be glad to finally get home and lie in his own bed, talk to his wife, and carry on with his life. From now on, he would definitely have a much deeper appreciation for his marriage and he would certainly never let it get away from him.

He just hoped that he could gain Samantha’s forgiveness for any infidelity he may or may not have participated in. There was really no way to know for sure, but he would have liked to think that even in a state of complete intoxication he could remain faithful.

Maybe it was a long shot, but it was something he could hold onto.

It didn’t take him much longer before the landscape started to become more and more familiar. Consequently, the closer he got the more he felt his heart hammering in his chest. It was hard to try and focus on other things when he was feeling so much anxiety just driving up the highway to get home. It was possible that this conversation was not going to go the way he hoped it would. He didn’t want to dwell on that thought, though, so instead of giving it any power he pressed the gas pedal down a little further and tried his hardest to get home as fast as he could.

Because no matter what happened after they began talking, Tom knew that sitting here in limbo without being able to express himself to anyone was far more torturous than anything.

The moment finally came when Tom was pulling off of the highway and had a mere ten minutes to drive before he reached the driveway that led to his home. He knew that at some point he probably should have called to let someone know he was on his way but the thought of surprising Samantha was just too good. He was going to sweep her off of her feet and let her see, with actions instead of words, that he still loved and appreciated her deeply.

But with each passing minute, the physical ramifications of this decision were starting to become more alarming. His heart was racing, which was making him lightheaded and slightly dizzy. The terrain was changing. He had to drive through the small town to arrive at the inevitable backstreet he needed to take to reach his home nestled deep in the woods.

Tom took a steadying breath as he reached the final intersection and continued forward. He needed to be calm when he went in the house because he wasn’t sure what was waiting for him when he got there.

The instant he turned into the driveway Tom was pleasantly surprised to find that his first reaction was relief. He was so ecstatic to just be at home that it was nice to enjoy being there without thinking of anything unpleasant that may come later. After he parked, he basked in this warm, wonderful feeling for a few minutes before it finally started to ebb. It was the first good feeling he’d really had in months and he didn’t want to let it go so easily.

He crossed the driveway and entered the house quickly, not wanting anyone to spot him on his way in if they hadn’t already. If the house was full (which on a Saturday was not a likely event), surely someone would have heard the car pull up. Regardless, he wanted to get in quickly to greet his family. The mere thought of seeing his girls right now was irresistible. He had to get his arms around them, if even for a second.

Feeling a little braver, Tom opened the door and stepped into his home. The smell of the house overwhelmed him in that moment and he was overtaken with just how much he had truly missed it. It was delicious and inviting, beckoning him to just go ahead and do as he always did, which was to merely drop everything and head straight into his office to work. He fought that urge and merely deposited his suitcase at the bottom of the stairs, meaning to take it up in a moment, and heading to the living room to see who was home.

“Hello?” he called as he strolled through. No one was in attendance in here, which Tom didn’t think was so odd, but he was starting to feel a bit disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to surprise his family like he had planned. Samantha not being here as well meant that they wouldn’t be having the conversation he was so desperate to have, and this was frustrating. He didn’t expect to find anyone in the house after he finally stumbled into the kitchen, on his way to his office (might as well stop in there since there was no one here), when he stopped dead in his tracks. The door to the refrigerator was hanging open and there was no one around with a need to look for something to eat. His first thought was how long it had probably been open before he trudged angrily around the island and jumped, startled at the sight of his eldest daughter bent on the floor, scooping fallen food containers into her arms.

“Dad?”

“Hullo, darling,” he greeted, unable to contain the grin that spread across his face at the sight of his eldest. He knew the instant she stood up he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself from throwing his arms around her. “I missed you.”

Emma stood up then, her arms and her face quizzical. The confusion in her lovely chocolate eyes was like a cold, sharp sliver straight through the heart. She was honestly surprised to hear that he had missed her. Where in this relationship had he screwed up? It didn’t seem possible he could have completely disregarded two women entirely. Before he commented on it, Emma muttered, “Wow, I didn’t expect that.”

Tom sighed, his worst fears confirmed. Something was going on here that he had to handle as well, and now was the perfect time. It didn’t seem like anyone was going to be home right away. They had some time.

“I don’t know what you were expecting, Emma, but you can’t possibly think I wouldn’t be ecstatic to see you?” He was frowning deeply and as Emma stuffed the rest of the contents of her arms into the fridge, she turned away slightly a look passing over her features that he hadn’t seen since she was very, very young, almost right around the time when they first met.

For whatever reason, his child was in pain, and somehow he had caused it. The ache in his heart was agony. Instead of succumbing to it, he pressed on. Emma didn’t seem as though she were willing to participate in the conversation yet. “I really wish you would tell me what’s going through your mind instead of just saying things quietly and then not responding when I want to talk.”

Emma huffed noisily, turning around and crossing her arms defiantly as she leaned against the counter. She made sure to avoid eye contact entirely and because of this Tom knew he was the one that was going to have to lean over and shut the door to the fridge before he could continue.

“Now, do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Emma sighed once again and Tom suppressed a chuckle. She was so much like her mother that it was comical. “Well… Well, it’s like, lately it seems like since you and Mom aren’t really getting along, that you’re just quieter and you work more and whatever, and I guess I get it. I mean, I want to get away from things that bum me out, too, but it’s like… I don’t know, I know you say a lot that I’m just like Mom and maybe that’s why you and I don’t really spend any time together.”

Tom was utterly dumbfounded, so much so that his jaw literally dropped open. He had no idea that his daughter felt like he didn’t want to be around her at all. Thinking back over the past year, during the dissolution of his relationship with his wife, somehow he had lost touch with his eldest as well and now so many things made sense. Her attitude change toward him and her agitation in general was indicative of his failings as a father.

All at once, Tom forgot about anything that had to do with his marriage, because as much as he wanted to make that work, he knew that Emma was more important right now. He certainly didn’t want his children growing up thinking that their father didn’t love them, especially since he had missed her first four years. This was something that gnawed at him frequently.

“Emma…” he whispered. She glanced up at him but didn’t meet his eyes. She was proud and didn’t want him to see that she was clearly about to cry. This broke his heart all over again and he felt so guilty that instead of trying to prepare her for it, he stepped forward and completely enveloped her into his arms and crushed her to him. He closed his eyes and set his cheek against her hair, breathing in the scent of his firstborn as though he were meeting her for the first time all over again. Memories of their first meeting and subsequent interactions before he and Samantha were officially back together flashed before him so vividly it was as though he were watching a movie.

Tom was quiet for a long moment and he realized that Emma had been quiet as well. She hadn’t pulled away from him or fought this embrace. In fact, she had somehow reverted back to a much younger age, when they used to curl up together on the couch and read together, frequently falling asleep wrapped up like this. And while he took the couple of seconds he had a hold of her to really appreciate what it felt like to hold his daughter after so much distance, he noticed that she was doing the same thing. She had a tight grip on his shirt and he could hear her sniffling occasionally. He kissed her head and rocked her a bit, trying to calm her down.

“I’m so sorry, my love,” he whispered to her, fighting his own tears as he tried to speak to her. “I never meant to make you feel like you didn’t matter. You are everything to me.”

Emma finally composed herself and lifted her head off of his chest. She stepped out of his embrace and wiped her eyes, trying to act as though she hadn’t shed a tear. He gave her this dignity and pretended that he didn’t notice. Before she had a chance to speak he smiled again and bent his head down to try and catch her eye. She was stoically staring at the floor but ultimately their eyes met and Tom was once again struck by how much he and his daughter really looked alike when she smiled widely at him.

“Come on, Dad,” she said, sounding as though she were trying her hardest to be annoyed with him.

“‘Come on, Dad?’” he said incredulously, unable to suppress his wide grin. Emma was infectious. “I just want you to look into my eyes so you know I’m telling you the truth, darling,” he said, trying to be a little more serious. “You and your sister are my world, and I need you to understand that, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, I always love and cherish you above everything, and I feel awful that you ever thought otherwise.”

Emma didn’t say anything right away. A few more tears leaked down her cheek and she wiped them away hastily. Seeing this, Tom knew he couldn’t contain his own emotions any longer. His voice was choked when he spoke again and he didn’t bother trying to cover it up. “It’s not your fault that you feel that way, either, Em. That’s my fault. I’m your father. You shouldn’t ever question the depth of my love for you.”

Emma surprised him then by bursting into tears and trying to hide her face. He took her in once more and held her while she cried, and even though she was in pain (that he had caused, no less), he was glad to have this closeness again. He missed the days when he could just bend over and scoop up his girls and squeeze them close without a fuss.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” she whispered against him.

“Sorry?” he asked, startled. He pulled away from her so he could look down at her face. It hurt to see the look in her eyes, the confusion and pain that was so much a part of puberty and life, things he should not be adding onto. “Why in the world would you ever need to be sorry?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just sorry that I didn’t say something sooner.”

“I’m glad you said something at all, darling,” he told her, brushing the loose curls out of her face and wiping away the tears. She appeared as though she might protest for a second but she allowed him to do it anyway. “I promise I will never let you feel like that again.”

“Okay,” she whispered, sniffling again as she nodded.

“Good,” he said with a smile as he leaned forward and pressed another kiss to the crown of her head. “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” he asked her, trying to turn over a new leaf by facing these conflicts head on instead of fleeing. He gave her a reassuring smile, resisting the urge to cup her cheeks like he did when she was little. “You can tell me anything.”

She shrugged and stood for a minute or so, looking as though she were weighing what she wanted to say. Tom waited patiently. Emma had somewhat adopted her parents’ inability to start a coherent conversation. Izzie was far more direct and Tom suspected this was probably one of the reasons that he didn’t seem to have nearly as many conflicts with his youngest. Then again, she was not the one going through puberty. He could only imagine what that would be like.

Eventually, though, Emma found her voice. “I don’t know… I guess I was thinking that you didn’t want to be around me not only because of Mom, but… b-because when I was born you weren’t there for a long time, so I wasn’t sure if…” Emma closed her eyes and Tom saw another tear flow down her cheek. When she opened her mouth again he saw her chin trembling. She was so quiet that even with their close proximity he had to strain to hear her. “I wasn’t sure if you ever wanted me.”

Everything in Tom’s body reacted to this statement. He felt a million emotions all at once and he wanted to express every single one of them but was physically incapable of doing so. All the guilt he felt over missing out on Emma’s formative years now intensified tenfold and he had no idea how he could ever prove to Emma that he desperately wanted those years back. Normally, he harbored no resentment toward Samantha for this decision because he was not in her position and therefore had no idea what he would have decided. However, seeing his daughter’s heartbroken face he couldn’t help but think that it would have been awfully nice for his wife to be here so she could explain.

“Oh, Emma,” was all Tom could manage before he was interrupted by his own overwhelming emotion. “Never, ever, ever did I once think that I didn’t want you. Ever.” He grabbed her shoulders firmly, forcing her to look him in the eye. He realized as he gazed into his daughter’s big brown eyes that the two of them had never had a frank discussion about his absence. She knew the basic parameters of the situation, why it had taken him so long to get there and that it had been Samantha’s decision as a mother, and not his as an absent father, but he’d never actually gotten the chance to tell her what he was feeling and that he was sorry for not being there. Now was the time.

“Missing the first four years of your life is the one and only regret I hold onto,” he confessed. “You know how I’m always telling you girls that the decisions we’ve made have made us the people we are and that you shouldn’t waste your time regretting those decisions? Truly not being with you during those important years still hurts. I wish I could get that time back with you and your mother, more than anything else in this entire world. You know why she couldn’t tell me about you, right?”

She nodded in response, wiping her eyes. “’Cause you’re a movie star.”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s what they say,” he coughed. He absolutely hated acknowledging his celebrity, because in this house, he wasn’t Tom Hiddleston, ‘actor, dancer, prancer, loon,’ he was father, husband, handyman, mechanic, part time housekeeper and chauffeur, and he liked it that way. It was normal and real, much more real to him than any of that had been. “But, Emma you have to know if your mother had told me right away that she was pregnant with you, nothing else would have mattered. I would have dropped everything to come be with you both.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think you do, darling,” he said, squeezing her shoulders again. “When I first saw you, Em, I knew you were mine, deep in my heart. I always wanted to be a father and the second I knew who you were, I was shocked but ecstatic all at the same time. There was never a moment, even before your mum and I were reconnected, that I regretted bringing you into this world. You’re my daughter, Emma. You are the reason I’m a father and I would never ever take you back.”

Emma was silent, her face impassable for as long as she could force it before she cracked and started crying yet again. Tom just smiled and brought her close, squeezing her tightly and rocking her back and forth as though she were still a four-year-old in daddy’s arms. The minutes ticked away as they stood here in the kitchen embracing. Tom had almost completely forgotten to look for his wife but was glad he had decided to stop off in the kitchen before searching any further. He had this time to reconnect with his daughter, and for that he was eternally grateful, even if it pushed back his conversation with Samantha.

After a long stretch of time, Emma backed up, seemingly composed. She was no longer crying and was wearing that big, bright smile that could light up a room. His heart hitched a little when he realized just how beautiful his daughter had become and how sooner or later, he’d have to intimidate the little boys that would come to call.

“What’s so funny?” he heard Emma ask. He didn’t realize that he was grinning as he thought of how funny it would be to don his Loki costume once again and scare teenagers out of his house.

“Nothing, darling,” he said, shaking his head. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah,” she said sheepishly, a half smile on her face as she looked away again.

“Is there anything else you need to talk about?” he said, crossing his arms. She appeared as though she had something else she wanted to say but couldn’t quite get it off her tongue.

“Yeah…” she drew this out, indicating that there was something she wanted to ask for. Giving her a look as if to say ‘Out with it!’ prompted her to continue. “I was kind of wondering if I could go spend the night with Kayla tonight.”

He snorted softly, finding it quite hilarious. “You are so much like your mother,” he sighed and tried to quickly carry on, because the thought of Samantha made him nervous all over again. “Did you ask her already?”

She shook her head in response. “I got home like right before you did and she was already gone. She left a note, though. I think she’s with Uncle Joe.”

Tom nodded. That made sense. “Where were you? And where is your sister?”

“Izzie has that soccer campout this weekend,” she answered and Tom rolled his eyes at himself for forgetting. “And I was at Lacey’s last night.”

“And you want to go to Kayla’s tonight?” he asked, skeptical about letting her go another night.

“Please?” she begged, her eyes wide.

“Homework?”

“Finished before I went to Lacey’s.”

Duh. “Okay. Do I have to drive you over there?”

“Yeah…”

Tom rolled his eyes but had a smile on his face. “I suppose,” he pretended to reluctantly acquiesce.

“Thank you, Dad!” she cried, throwing her arms around him for the fourth time since he’d been home and Tom’s entire body warmed from head to foot. It was always a triumph when he got to hug his teenager more than once a week.

“One thing first, though,” he demanded when she pulled away.

Her eyebrows shot up then, surprised to hear that she had a chore waiting before she was free to go to her friend’s. “What?”

He cocked his head toward the fridge and gave her a wink before saying, “Pull out that chocolate cheesecake.”

“Ooh!” she cried, turning back to the fridge to do as she was told. Tom smiled at her, so grateful that things with at least one woman in his life were back to normal.

As he and Emma talked and ate their dessert, his problems with his wife were at the back of his mind. By the time they had piled into the car Tom’s fears resurfaced. He was home now, his wife a mere phone call away from the conversation he was not looking forward to.

He only hoped that after he dropped Emma off and actually got the chance to call Samantha that he didn’t sound like a nervous wreck, because that was exactly how he felt. It didn’t matter. He was going to stick with what he had decided before. He was going to put everything out on the table and correct the mistakes he had made to keep the family he had worked so hard for.

Tom was resolved to no longer allow his fear to stop him anymore. Samantha was his wife and he was going to keep her no matter what it took.


	16. Chapter 16 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

“It’s perfectly normal to choose the one that makes you feel the most loved,” was the last thing I remember uttering before something so unexpected happened that I will forever remember it as the moment my life felt complete... Sam, my beautiful, wonderful, unattainable Sam… she kissed me.

It was everything I had imagined and more. Sam’s pouty pink lips were as soft and sweet as they looked, pressed against my own, lonely and aching until her kiss. It felt so right to have her there but so wrong all at once. I dug my fingers into her hips, stroking her, wanting more, yearning for more than the great amount she was already giving me. I was desperate and greedy and I didn’t appreciate the little bit of Sam that I had. Because shortly after that, she pulled away from me and held me, not speaking about what had happened between us.

So I am here with her, holding her against me and trying to fight the urge to throw her over my shoulder and run as far away as I possibly can with her. I want to be that guy right now and I don’t even bother trying to talk myself out of it. I wish I could be the guy who says ‘Fuck it,’ and turns his back on everything and everyone for one woman that makes his life complete. I want to pretend that taking my best friend’s wife away from him isn’t an enormous betrayal and that somewhere, it’ll be okay that I made the decision to take her to begin with.

Then again, I entertain these thoughts without the slightest idea whether or not Sam would even agree to it. It’s not like I’d ever consider running away with her if she wasn’t willing to do just that. It is not something I want to think about because no matter what happens I just don’t want to face the thought of losing Sam.

I have backed myself into that corner, unfortunately.

Instead of entertaining these thoughts I try to stay in the moment with Sam and just enjoy our time over here on the bridge, holding one another as the pink and orange streaked sky gives way to the twinkling ebony of night and we remain entangled. I know Sam. She is my other best friend, the woman that can complete me in a way no one has ever been able to, and I know that she is trying to pretend, just for this moment, that we haven’t committed an atrocious sin against our friendship and her marriage. If she feels the need to do that, I will follow suit. I can give her that.

I want to say something so badly. She’s not making a noise against me. In fact, she is still for so long that for a brief second I think she has fallen asleep but she shifts just before I am about to break the silence. This spares me the burden of ending the moment, so I go back to enjoying being with her.

A faint noise reaches my ears and I realize that I can hear the distant sound of the movie. I want to just ask Sam to come with me and we can take our place on the blanket and just pretend for a little while longer. We can go on with our night as though I hadn’t done the stupidest thing I could ever think of and told her how I really felt.

Where in my incredibly thick skull did I think it was a good idea to tell her how I was feeling? Yeah, sure, it hurt to hold onto that kind of secret for so many years and the prospect of continuing to conceal it was daunting, but I was up for the task. I don’t know where this moment of weakness came in and I know I have to try harder to keep myself from being selfish.

But damn, it’s tough around this woman. She is the center of my universe. When she moves, I move. That’s how it’s always been and that’s how it always should be. Now that the line has been crossed into this forbidden territory, I cannot help but feel that constant urge to continuing crossing it. I want to tell her everything that I’ve ever thought or felt, all the dreams I’ve had about our life in an alternate timeline, the fact that no other woman has ever measured up and probably never will. I wish we could make love. The thought of touching her flesh, gazing into those majestic, resplendent eyes, and of the very curve of her body is almost too much for me to bear. 

Most of all, though, I just want to get down on my knees, take her hands in mine, and ask her to run away with me. I want to be the guy who doesn’t care that he’s begging someone’s wife and mother to walk away from the only life she knows to take a chance on a new romance. She and Tom are soul mates. I can’t imagine being any kind of competition for what they’ve shared.

Then again, Tom’s waning interest in maintaining his marriage was exactly what had led to the kiss Sam and I shared earlier. It is not entirely my fault for bringing this on and the instant I feel thankful that I have come to this conclusion, I also feel like a complete asshole. Tom is my friend. He trusts me to take care of his wife and daughters and this is how I repay that trust? How can I think any of this, and how can I judge a marriage that I am not a part of? I have no right to make any assumptions. I am not a part of it and I don’t plan to interfere. I am so surprised I was thinking anything at all. Normally I can keep my thoughts at bay.

I realize then that I have already given myself the permission to let my thoughts run a little wild. I’ve had a lid on them for too many years and now that I’ve opened one floodgate, I might as well experience all of it and cram it all away under a heavy lid of denial tomorrow.

The second I decide that I am going to just go ahead and relax fully, I hear Sam sniffle and she lifts her head up off of my chest and stares into my face. I hold my breath because our faces are very close. I do not presume that anything is about to happen, so I have to wait and see what Sam is planning to say or do. It feels like an eternity as we stare at one another, and I notice that her eyes are occasionally flitting down to stare at my lips. My chest feels tight as I bite my lip, waiting for something to happen.

As much as I didn’t want to be the guy that tells his best friend of nearly a decade that he has serious, life-altering feelings for her, I am past the point of no return. Now, I desperately want to embrace this insanity and go the full ride. I sit, poised on the edge of this precipice as I stare down at Sam, waiting for the indicator that she is feeling just as nuts as I do right now. It is in this instant that my heart leaps into my throat because Sam licks her lips, ever so slightly, and this prompts me to do the first thing I can think of. I grab her face in my hands and pull her against me, kissing her with all the stored up passion I have in my still fighting body.

Sam responds hungrily and we paw at each other a bit, trying not to be overly disgusting in a public setting. I want so much more and I feel that very soon it will be obvious to everyone within a five mile radius if we don’t slow down. Fast. I rise up from my knees and move onto the bench while I am connected to her, knowing that there is so much more to discuss before anything physical can happen, if it even should…

“Sam,” I whisper. I pull away from her, regretful the instant I do it because I see the lights in Sam’s eyes sparkling brighter than I have ever seen them. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips are still red and swollen. She is utterly irresistible, so I turn my head from her. “We shouldn’t do this.”

“I know,” she chokes, her voice so husky and wrought with passion that I become excited all over again. “What am I doing, Joe?”

This question strikes me mute for a moment and in this silence, Sam slips away and turns her body from me so she doesn’t have to look into my eyes anymore.. The air between us is cold and lonely and I feel a chill run up my back. I clear my throat and try to subtly shake it off. She stares straight forward, her face a mask, which is so unlike her that it is almost eerie. Normally I can read Sam like a book.

“I’m married, Joe,” she says after a beat and her tone is matter-of-fact, as though it’s not something I’ve known and struggled with for years.

“I know, Sam,” I offer, trying not to sound too clipped. “Why do you think it took me so long to say something?”

She scoffs and I choose not to respond to it, because shortly, she says, “You know I just don’t understand why you had to say anything to begin with.”

This hurts, even though I was literally just thinking it myself. It is my cross to bear and I shouldn’t have to explain to her of all people how difficult it is to have the burden of a terrible, earth shattering secret all alone. It is a miserable existence. I say as much to Sam, who merely scoffs at me again the moment I start to make the case that she was in the same position as me years ago when it came to hiding Emma from Tom.

“That was an entirely different situation!” she cries, trying not to let her voice get too loud. She reins it in, glancing around cautiously. “I had a child to think about, Joe. I didn’t need to alert the media that I was harboring a secret love child from a popular performer. What kind of life would Emma have had after that? More than likely, that’s how Tom would have found out to begin with. How could I do that to him? I-I mean… how could I do that to Emma?” Sam coughs a bit and shakes her head sadly. “This… Joe, this is different… You tell me you love me and you know damn well… No matter what happens now, I’m going to lose someone, someone I love very much. How could you do this to me? How could you make it possible for me to lose you?”

I pause just as Sam asks this because I was poised to tell her that it doesn’t matter why you keep a secret because that is not my point. Her question is heartfelt and I feel terrible instantly for being such an ass. She’s right, of course, and I don’t know how to rectify this situation to myself, much less to Sam.

I don’t give it much thought. I decide to let it come from the heart, so when I open my mouth, I hear myself saying, “You will never lose me, Sam. I will never let that happen, no matter what.”

“How in the world can you promise that? Especially now? You know we can’t just walk back to our normal lives now… We can’t pretend that tonight didn’t happen,” she pleads, desperation in her eyes.

As reluctant as I am to accept this inevitability, I cannot stand to see Sam in any kind of pain, so I decide it’s best to just put away my protests. She falls back against the bench, her head resting on the back of it. I wish I could reach out to her but I hold back.

“I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist to me,” I confess. “Sam, the second I met you I knew that you had to be a part of my life. I didn’t care how. I refuse to believe that there’s even the slightest chance that you and I won’t be close.”

Sam lifts her head up and looks at me, her eyes suddenly shifting and the expression on her face darkening as she stares at me. I don’t know what it is she is thinking but whatever it is, it is not pleasant. An uneasy feeling starts in the pit of my stomach but I wait for her to speak. “It’s not that simple, Joe, and you know it.” She gulps and wraps her arms around herself. “You’re being your usual stubborn self.”

“Absolutely not,” I say firmly, wishing she would just turn and look at me. “No matter what happens from this point on, Sam, you’ll always be a part of who I am, even if we’re not always together.”

I glance down when I hear a soft gasp and notice that Sam is sobbing so hard that her body is shaking. Her hands are over her mouth as though she is trying to hide the fact that she is weeping. I lose all sense for a moment when I see the woman I love crying so hard, but I shake it off and draw her in against me yet again. I have to make her feel better. That’s just all I have to do right now.

She sobs for a minute or so and at last reclaims the ability to speak. She lifts her head up from my chest and I bring my arms back in. I don’t want her to feel overly smothered. I just need to make her feel better, that’s what’s important.

“I don’t want to lose you at all, Joe,” she says softly. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you… I can’t lose you... I can’t lose either of you and I don’t know what to do!” She says this last part with such desperation that my eyes are instantly swimming with tears. That one hit me deep in the soul. “How can I lose Tom? How can I lose you? How is it fair to either of you?” I am still too struck to speak but I have the feeling Sam is now saying all of this for her benefit more than for mine. “I thought I loved my husband, how can you love one man with all of your heart but…” This particular thought interests me but I’m trying not to be obvious, waiting for her to finish a thought that she inevitably gives up on. Disappointment floods my veins again. I am hoping for some kind of verbal validation on Sam’s part regarding feelings. Sure, she kissed me, but I am far too old to play these kinds of games with a woman, where I wait around and try to guess what a kiss meant. I know Sam will tell me when she’s ready because she cannot string anyone along, much less her best friend. She doesn’t even like going to car dealerships and telling the salesmen that she’ll come back when we have no intention of coming back.

“Sam, you need to calm down,” I whisper to her, reaching out and placing a hand gently on her knee. The most male part of my brain is screaming at me to explore that leg further, up and up until I reach that wonderfully round back end… but my logic takes back over and I go on. “You’ll never really be out of my heart. You’re my iris.”

“Your what?” she asks, confused.

 

“My iris.”

“And what the hell does that mean? It either means I’m a flower or I’m your pupil?”

I chuckle a bit, slightly surprised that she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. After all, Tom is in the movie business. “Well, it’s neither, really,” I say, and then stop to chuckle because I am being really confusing, as evident on Sam’s frustrated face. “Okay, okay, so the ‘iris’ of the eye is technically the pupil, and the pupil dilates to let in light, right?” Sam arches one eyebrow at me and I am very aware that I am now witness to what Sam refers to as her ‘Mom face.’ I press on and try to explain quickly. “Well an iris is also a cinematic term that describes the opening and closing of a lens, essentially the need is to let in more light or close out the line, just like an actual iris,” I gesture to her, trying to wordlessly explain how the two are linked. She appears to be following, looking slightly less confused but curious. Just as I am about to speak, however, she interrupts me.

“So, what the hell does this have to do with you calling me your iris?” she asks, her tone sarcastic but still quizzical. “I’m just the lens on your camera?” I stare at her, incredulous that a woman of her intelligence can still sometimes be so damned obtuse.   
“And while we’re at it, what the hell does that Goo Goo Dolls song have to do with it? It’s called ‘Iris’ but they don’t talk about an iris, like a camera or a flower or anything like that, so what –”

“Okay, okay,” I say, finally interrupting her before she carried on. “If you let me speak for two seconds I’ll be able to tell you what the hell I mean.”

“Fine,” she says, crossing her arms and staring at me defiantly, as though I don’t actually have a legitimate explanation and that she has me stumped. She wishes it was that simple.

“All right, so that song, forget it for the moment. We’re focusing on the literal translation of the word ‘iris,’ okay?” I instruct her, trying not to make my tone too condescending. That is the fastest way possible for me to drive her away. It’s her biggest pet peeve. She arches an eyebrow at me but nods almost imperceptibly. I have won the right to continue but I tread carefully. “So, this closing lens on the camera is meant to represent certain scenes that you either want to close dramatically, like those old sitcoms in the sixties, you know what I mean?” She frowns and then smirks a little, understanding. “But it’s also a technique used to frame an object symbolically. It tells more of a story than words can about the importance of one thing, because usually, it’s a person.”

I pause, waiting for her to catch up and I feel my heart skip a beat. This is something I have kept to myself for years because I was the only one who could understand. Now I finally get to tell Sam and I am both excited and scared to death. Sam is doing some deep thinking of her own. She is about to get ahead of me, so I plug on.

“For instance, say you’re filming a… let’s say a love story…” I hear Sam’s breathing hitch but I go on. “And say you’re filming the moment they meet, and well, for argument’s sake, let’s say the man falls in love with the woman first,” I stop to take a deep breath because my head is spinning and I am hardly able to concentrate, so acutely aware of Sam’s silent sobs next to me. “Well you would use the iris to center the focus directly in on the woman, like… Like you’re emphasizing this feeling of how… every time you look at her, nothing else in the world matters. Everything around you is gone and it’s just her, the iris, the woman who literally makes the rest of the world fade away.” At this point, I am unable to continue because Sam is not doing a great job of keeping her sobs so quiet anymore and I can’t just let her sit there alone as she suffers. I close my eyes, breathe to steady myself, and then I slide over to her, wrap my arms around her, and pull her against my chest.

I don’t need to say anything more, because Sam knows what I’m getting at and I think it must be that it has just hit her how serious I am. Maybe she is conflicted. I have no way of knowing, but she is drinking in my affections instead of rebuffing them, so there must be something inside of her that can’t let me go. This works in my favor no matter which way it all goes, so I hold onto this tiny good feeling because I know that it’s probably the only one I’ll have for a while.

Shortly after, when we are composed and ready, we depart from our bridge and collect our forgotten things at the movie we now have no interest in watching. We journey back to her home, where I picked her up earlier, and as we are parked in her driveway, an awkward silence ensues. The tension is thankfully released when Sam unbuckles and throws herself at me across the seat. I take her in happily and she leans back, kissing me on the cheek and whispering, “Thank you, Joe,” before she launches herself out of the car.

I know the instant she’s out of the car that she is crying again and with that last image in my head, I know I am not getting a moment’s rest tonight.

 

Joe: Now

 

It was May in western Michigan, which meant a number of things. It meant that at a moment’s notice, the weather could go from muggy hot to rainy and cold and that everyone would consider this normal. Most unlucky for Joe, however, was that May also meant much shorter nights. The night before he had returned to his own home before ten and there was still a sliver of light in the sky. As predicted, it had been absolute hell trying to get to sleep and by the time he had exhausted himself to the point of true fatigue, the sun was already coming up.

He had assumed his inability to sleep was due to seeing the look on Sam’s face. The anguish in her cries was haunting and followed him all the way home that night, but it wasn’t all quite enough to cause such sleeplessness. After all, he and Sam had fought before and he knew that she wasn’t going to just disappear without discussing what was going on and what had been said. They didn’t even know where Tom was, for crying out loud… Where was the wiggle room?

That was when it occurred to Joe that the cause of his insomnia was the realization that last night had been the end of their friendship. Sure, things could go absolutely perfectly for him and he could end up having Sam to himself, but no matter what, their relationship as they knew it was now over.

His heart hurt from the thought of losing the best friend he’d ever made. It wasn’t fair that things had to change because secrets could no longer be kept but it had been his fault for altering everything.

Joe wanted to smack himself for being such an inconsiderate jerk. Sure, it was killing him to hold onto these feelings, but did that mean he had to go and ruin his best friend’s entire life? Not only had he caused her confusion in regard to her marriage and family, but he had corrupted the best thing she had in solace when everything else was too much; her friendship. He couldn’t imagine the depth of the betrayal she was feeling right now. Sam was quickly running out of people to rely on.

There was no way he could ever entertain the notion that Sam would choose him over Tom, or even over being alone. He didn’t know how he could blame her. She had no one to trust anymore except for Molly, and obviously Molly was not a viable romantic option, being married herself. Oh, and a woman. That was probably important.

It was between the fitful clouds of anger, depression, and serious doubt that he was able to achieve the solace of sleep, resting his brain for as long as it would allow. Because of the early day break, he had a half hour of sleep that was unfettered by light before it woke him uncomfortably. He tossed and turned for a few more hours before he was awoken yet again by his phone going off.

Joe was less than thrilled to be woken by his phone this early. He groped blindly for the offending item, ringing far too shrilly than was necessary. Without looking to see who was calling him, he simply answered and curtly said, “Yeah?”

“Joe? I’m sorry did I wake you?”

Joe’s eyes flew open. A voice he had not expected to hear was practically whispering on the other end. Sam’s voice was raspy and choked, as though she had been up all night crying. He didn’t even want to think about this being the case because it was heartbreaking to think of her in such pain.

“Uh…” Joe stammered, trying to clear his throat slightly before he spoke. “D-don’t worry, it’s fine.” He grimaced, knowing he wasn’t sounding all that convincing. The truth was he was just nervous. “What’s up?”

“I woke you, I can call back later,” she said, hesitant.

“No, no,” Joe spit out. He didn’t want to sound desperate but he was. There was no other way to go around it. He couldn’t wait around for much longer for them to have this conversation and besides, there was no way he was getting back to sleep now. “What’s going on? I’m awake.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sam.” His tone was firm, but not angry.

“Okay,” she said, and he could hear the slightest tremor in her voice. He felt bad all over again. “I just talked to Emma, she doesn’t get home until a little later in the afternoon. I’d really rather she’s not home for too long by herself so if you wanted to get together, any time before about three would be good.”

“What time is it?” Joe asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. If he was going to get up and out of bed, might as well start the whole process and convince his body it was time.

“It’s nine,” she told him. He could hear a beeping in the background, probably indicating that her coffee was finished. “Would you like to come here or do you want me to come there?”

Joe’s heart sunk a little bit at her matter-of-fact tone. He had hoped, even a little, that something on her end would have shifted a little bit more into his favor. She had kissed him, twice, so wasn’t that an indication that something more was going on deep down in Sam’s heart? Something that was more than friendship, at least physically?

It was all too gut wrenching to focus on, so instead, he gave her question a little bit of thought. He was sure she would want to get it all out in the open over at her place, but he felt as though neutral territory was probably the better route. This was just in case Emma ended up at the house earlier than she was expected. “Maybe it’s better if we do it at the park.”

Joe was sure for a split second that he heard her gasp, but he was sure it was nothing. “Uh, yeah, I think that’s a good idea, actually,” she answered him. “I don’t have any clue as to when Tom will be home,” she added almost flippantly. Joe’s stomach turned. He hadn’t even considered Tom in all of this. There was every possibility that he was going to be on his way home soon.

“Yeah, I forgot about that,” he admitted quietly.

“Me, too,” Sam whispered. “And even though I’m not sure when to expect him I’d really rather not take the chance.”

“I understand,” Joe said.

“I’ll see you at the bridge in half an hour?”

“That works.”

“Thanks, Joe,” Sam said once more and the phone clicked in Joe’s ear before he had the chance to say another word. He set the phone down and closed his eyes, still lying in his bed. What the hell happened now? Would they meet in a half hour and realize that everything had been a ridiculous mistake? Would Sam decide to just erase their friendship because she was too damned loyal to her failing marriage and had no other choice? Would any of this go Joe’s way?

He doubted it very much.

Joe lifted himself off of the bed then, trying to find the motivation to go and get this over with. The only thing really pushing him to go at all was the fact that Sam would be there, waiting for him. He could not let her down. Not again.

After a quick shower, he stood in the mirror, debating whether or not it was even worth it to shave at this point. It didn’t matter if he did, so he didn’t bother. He simply brushed his teeth, put on deodorant, and hoped that the clothes he threw on were at least somewhat presentable to the public.

There was no one to impress. Sam never seemed to have a preference for what he wore or how he looked, so why should it matter now? If Sam was going to end up breaking his heart in half, he might as well be comfortable. Besides, this disheveled appearance was already a precursor to depression over a break up anyway.

He gathered up his things and headed out the door. It was already beautiful out and Joe regretted not being able to enjoy the beauty of the nature that surrounded his home. He had bigger things going on and it was a shame. There was so much anger and negativity flooding his thoughts that it took him a moment to realize something was trying to get his attention.

Joe sighed and gave into the thought, following it to its inevitable conclusion. His heart lurched in his chest because he was shocked that he had remembered this at all. It seemed like forever since he had found out what was going on, but this was a game changer.

But how could he betray another friend? Did it matter? What was Sam worth to him at this point? Joe was ready to find out.


	17. Chapter 17 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

“Thank you, Joe.”

How could I let that be the last thing I said to Joe before bailing from his car that night? It didn’t seem very fair to my best friend of nearly a decade to just take his sweet, heartfelt confession and throw it back in his face like that. He had tried so hard to make it okay… he’d done his best to promise that no matter what happened now, we wouldn’t lose each other, but we both know that these promises have been made in vain. How could things not change now?

I stumble into the house and slam the door shut behind me, thankful that no one is here to witness my total nervous breakdown. I don’t even move a muscle after the door closes. I back up against it and slide down, crying so hard that my body shakes with each sob. I am still so confused as to why Joe felt the need to say anything at all. Why would he ruin everything? It was just like all those years ago when Tom had confessed his love for her at the beach. She couldn’t handle it then, either. What was it about men having this urge to divulge their innermost feelings? Weren’t men usually the ones that discouraged sharing these kinds of thoughts? It was incredibly frustrating.

I sit here and cry a little longer but I let my thoughts kind of settle into a rational pattern once again. I can see, from Joe’s point of view, why he would choose to tell me now, of all times. Tom and I are already on the outs and our marriage isn’t doing so well. Without really meaning to, I’ve been leaning on Joe more and more heavily. Besides, he’s been holding onto these feelings for years so it stands to reason that it would have come out, sooner or later. I am honestly surprised that he waited this long. I would have cracked long ago.

I question my part in all of this, though. If I didn’t have romantic feelings for Joe this wouldn’t be nearly as hard to handle. Sure, I would still lose my best friend and it would be devastating, but there would be no need to struggle. I would have told him that Tom is my husband and nothing can change that… and I certainly wouldn’t have kissed him. Twice.

I leave myself briefly, thinking of the kisses. The first one was my doing. I don’t think Joe would have initiated it if I hadn’t, which tells me that he knows, on some level, what I feel for him. On some level, I know what I feel for Joe. This is probably what prompted me to kiss him in the first place. The overwhelming realization that for years and years, even at my absolute ugliest, this man loved and supported me in silence, watching my family grow and change and develop, never knowing when he would get a chance to say how he really felt. How is that not heroic on some level?

I sigh and shake my head. No, this is crazy. It’s Joe, after all. Joe! I’ve always had a kind of physical appreciation for Joe. He was one of my first celebrity crushes, after all, and getting to know him has only made him that much more attractive in my eyes. I wish that I could chalk it up to hormones and the lack of affection my husband has been showing me, but I know that there is more to it than that.

I am so confused and conflicted that I slump even further onto the floor, seriously considering just lying here until the girls get back or Tom stumbles over me, whatever comes first. I hope against everything that Tom is on his way home or at least considering calling me sometime soon because I don’t know how much longer I can manage this marriage without him, physically or emotionally.

Mostly, I want Tom to come home because our relationship really needs a good, hard look. We need to sit down as two rational adults and talk everything out. I can’t admit that I am looking forward to it because of how confused Joe has made me, but I know it must be done. I made a commitment to Tom, and I do still love Tom very, very much. He is my soul mate, after all, the man I waited on for so long, the father of my children and the companion I need to get me through the rest of my life.

How can one person have feelings for two such different people? How can the feelings you have be so different but so much the same?

I try to escape the angst and drama of my thoughts for just a split second. I lift myself off of the floor and make my way into the living room, throwing my things down. I have the house to myself for at least one more night so I am going to take advantage of it. I flip the TV on as I pass by on my way to the kitchen. I didn’t eat much tonight and now I am ravenous as a result. Normally when I am thoroughly angry or upset I don’t have an appetite until right after the situation calms down. Then, of course, I’m usually starving.

I dig into the fridge and grab a few leftovers to heat up, including a chocolate cheesecake that I was saving as a dessert for a family dinner. Unable to determine when the next one will be, I decide to just go ahead and eat some anyway. No one is going to make me feel guilty.

I make my way back into the living room and arrange my food and sit back, staring into the television. There’s really nothing that’s going to make me feel any better. Joe went and broke the only cardinal rule of a male/female friendship; you don’t cross the boundaries of romantic feelings. It’s not really Joe’s fault, after all. He said he had fallen in love with me at first sight and then subsequently found out who I was after he and my husband decided to become business partners. How can I blame him for something that was completely out of his control?

Then again it had taken him years to finally decide he needed to say something. Why wouldn’t he just distance himself initially? If he felt that he had strong feelings for me, why would he delve headfirst into our friendship? Wouldn’t it hurt that much more to be close to someone you could never have?

But as I sit here on the couch and go through all of this again, I decide to try and put myself in Joe’s shoes because I don’t want to be mad at him. He’s my best friend and I would never give up his friendship for anything, so I consider Joe’s dilemma. The woman he fell in love with at first sight turned out to be married to someone you were about to do business with and who seemed as though he could be a good friend. Not only that, but the woman you fell in love with and is married to your new friend/business partner also happens to be an amazing person that you hit it off with instantly, thus validating your heart’s initial reaction to this person and thereby creating an even larger emotional dilemma. Because after you figure out this person you’ve fallen for is perfect in every other way, how can you resist being around them, even if it that means you have to keep your true feelings quiet? It won’t be that long, after all, because these feelings will go away, right?

But then they don’t, and things get worse for you. You’re here the entire time, watching this happy family grow and love each other while you are left alone without the one person that you want to make a family with. You try, sure, but it never pans out because you never really wanted to be with that other person in the first place. You want her and there is nothing you can do because she loves someone else.

Things are getting bleaker because your feelings aren’t waning at all and your friendship with the family has grown stronger and you don’t want to hurt anyone if you don’t have to. Then… then the unexpected happens. Things start to get bad between this woman you love and her spouse. You watch this once strong marriage start to disintegrate and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You don’t necessarily want their marriage to be over, because you care about everyone, but, still… You’re a human being, after all, you’re a man with needs and all of this love in your heart that can just never be expressed… Why wouldn’t you take the opportunity to tell the woman you love more than anything all of this, just when she is feeling her most unloved and unappreciated?

And that’s when I come back to myself and realize that there are tears pouring down my cheeks. I understand Joe so much better now and I appreciate him more than anything. I know I made a huge mistake getting angry with him earlier but there is nothing I can do about that now. It is awfully late and it’s probably best just to get a good night’s sleep and make sure that I feel the same in the morning before I decide to contact Joe and have a conversation.

That is, until I at least hear from my other best friend about which course of action I should take. I shoot Molly a quick text, asking her to call me tomorrow morning, and go to my room and settle in.

It doesn’t hit me until I enter the foggy twilight of sleep that in my decision to run to Joe, I have completely neglected any and all thought of what my husband might think. I don’t even have a second to let it trouble me because it is then that I do fall asleep.

 

Sammy: Now

 

Sammy was pretty sure that she wasn’t watching an episode of ‘Super Friends.’ She was slightly, foggily aware that at some point in the past few years she had set the theme as her ringtone. All at once, her synapses fired to life, her eyes flew open, and she instinctively reached her arm out and fumbled stupidly for her phone. She still wasn’t quite awake when she answered and wasn’t entirely aware who was on the other end.

“Yeah?” was all she managed.

“Uh, Sam?”

Sammy felt herself come the rest of the way out of her dreaminess and into the harsh light of morning. Molly was on the other end. She had received her text and was calling, presumably from California. Sammy blinked and lifted the phone up to see what time it was in Michigan and saw, to her chagrin, that it was seven. Molly was calling at four over there.

“Hey, M,” she greeted as cheerily as she could manage. “I’m sorry about that text last night.”

“Well, it sounded pretty important,” Molly said, sounding slightly tired but not perturbed. Sammy breathed a sigh of relief. “And besides, it’s been forever since I talked to you so it’s overdue.”

“True,” Sammy breathed and closed her eyes, feeling the intense relief of speaking with the only other person she considered family. Molly was the person she had known longest of all the others she was directly dealing with, and sometimes it took Molly’s humor and directness to put things into perspective. Sammy’s best friend was the no nonsense type of woman, having been burned far too often to accept people into her life that made her feel any less than wonderful. She would have Sammy’s best interests at heart, so she needed to confide this in the one person she trusted above all others.

“So, how are things?” Molly began when Sammy remained silent too long. “Is Tom still being a douche? I got your text about him leaving for the weekend, is he back yet?” Molly’s questions were rapid fire and Sammy realized just how behind Molly really was. She felt a small twinge of guilt but launched right into it, catching her friend up on everything. She told her about the hurricane and how Tom had been very short and rude with her on the phone. She confessed to Molly that it felt as though Tom was enjoying his time away from her and she hadn’t been able to get a hold of him all week… That is, until the night in the park when his voicemail had picked up but he hadn’t.

“Hon, you need to take a breath,” Molly said after Sammy lost the ability to keep going. The emotion choking her throat was almost unbearable. The phone was silent as Sammy did this and once she was calm and her breathing was evened, Molly finally spoke. “Better?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Alright,” she said. “Is that the whole story? Everything you needed to tell me? I have a feeling it isn’t.”

“That’s not even what I meant to tell you at all,” Sammy finally uttered. “You asked me how things were going and I just got off on a tangent. I… this isn’t even really about Tom…” Sammy faltered. How was this not about Tom? How was he not directly involved in everything that had happened between her and Joe? She certainly wouldn’t have been so drawn to Joe if things between her and Tom were perfect.

Molly gasped. “It’s Joe.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah.”

“What happened? Did he finally tell you how he’s in love with you?”

Sammy was struck silent. How had Molly known about that and why hadn’t her friend told her before now? “What? How the hell did you know that?”

“Well, to be honest, I didn’t know for sure until just now,” her friend confessed. “I never like, talked to him about it or confronted him or anything stupid like that. No, it was mostly my observations.”

“W-what do you mean?” Sammy asked, knowing full well what Molly was going to say.

“You know, I mean, I’m sure you’ve realized it now,” she said accusingly. “It was the little things, like the way he talked to you or about you, like you were the perfect specimen of a woman, or a wife, a mother, a writer, whatever else… He’d only do it when Tom brought it up or when Tom was gone, so that always kind of tipped me off… And he used to stare at you, like all the time.” Sammy felt her breath catch and she begged the tears not to come. This was not the way to start a Saturday.

“That’s what I remembered,” Sammy whispered.

“I figured,” Molly whispered back. “I was always surprised that neither you nor Tom really seemed to notice it because it was so obvious to everyone else, even Sharon. That’s why she broke up with Joe. I mean, at least that’s what she told me.”

“What!” Sammy yelled, not even bothering to hold it in. “You knew why they broke up and you never told me? What the HELL, Molly?”

“Whatever, Sam, you can’t make me feel bad about not telling you that your best friend was in love with you. You have a family. You love Tom. Don’t you?”

Sammy was caught off guard by the question and she was so ashamed of her hesitation that she didn’t try to stop the tears that flowed down her temples and into her hair as she lay on the bed. “Of course I love Tom.”

“Oh, Sammy…” Molly breathed gently. “What’s going on?”

It took a minute after this before Sammy was ready to tell Molly everything. The soft concern in Molly’s tone as she asked this seemingly innocent question was too much for Sammy’s heavy, guilty heart to bear any longer. She needed to let someone know how confused she was and there was nothing she needed more. She was so thankful for Molly.

Before she lost her nerve, Sammy poured her heart out to Molly and caught her up on everything. She told Molly that after their last argument, she had completely shut down on Tom and instead of staying and being aggressive about fixing their marriage, he did the opposite and ran away. Sammy didn’t know if there was any part of her that could forgive Tom for this flaw anymore. She had tried not to resent him for his absence from her life for five years but she had never gotten the satisfaction of hashing it all out with him.

“It’s the one thing I always regretted,” she was telling Molly. “Even when we first got back together and all of the drama we dealt with, we never had a big, relationship changing argument. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Tom’s not an aggressive or violent guy that lashes out and screams and yells all the time, but just once…” Sammy took a deep breath. “Just once it would be nice to say everything I need to say and at least feel like he’s trying to fight to keep me…”

Sammy was grateful for Molly. She was mostly silent as she listened, reacting in the right spots and encouraging her when she needed it, but overall, Sammy felt Molly had given her the space necessary to confess. She felt herself talking a little more about Tom until she inevitably reached a secret that Sammy had been holding onto for some time.

“I think there’s something wrong with me, Molly,” she said quietly. “All of this time Tom hasn’t been talking to me, he doesn’t fight with me or seem to care if our marriage just completely falls apart, and I’ve been trying my hardest... But I feel so guilty because I can’t… I can’t remember why I fell in love with Tom in the first place.”

“Oh, sweetie, are you sure?”

“I mean, I know I love him,” Sammy said quickly. “It’s just I can’t remember why… I try to think back to that moment I first saw him in San Diego and I just can’t remember it…”

“What?”

“That moment.”

“What moment?” Molly said, sounding amused.

“You know what I’m talking about,” Sammy figured an example would be better than trying to explain it. “Wasn’t there a moment when you and Ryan knew you were meant to be together? Like… something stupid and cliché like fireworks or electricity?” she chuckled to herself.

Molly laughed out loud on the other end and Sammy frowned in confusion until she heard Ryan’s voice on the other end, asking what was so funny. “Sammy wants to know what our moment was when we knew we were meant to be together.”

“Oh,” Sammy heard him laugh as well. “You mean my brief bout with insanity?”

“Why don’t you shut the fuck up and go away so I can talk to my friend?” Molly said to him and Sammy had to keep from laughing out loud. It always perplexed her how two people who had once hated each other could decide to get married and then stay married, but they made it work.

“Love you, too,” Ryan called, sounding more distant now.

“Okay,” Molly said, turning back to the conversation as if none of the exchange before had happened. “I’d have to say there was definitely a moment when I knew that I couldn’t live the rest of my life without the asshole.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. And you remember exactly what that moment was and how you felt?”

“Yes, of course.”

“That’s what I can’t remember about Tom,” Sammy sighed, trying not to get emotional again. She’d been pretty good up until this point. “I don’t know why I can’t remember it, but it’s just not there. It’s like a hole in our history and the hole is so big that it affects everything.”

“Sweetie, I’m sure you didn’t forget,” Molly said soothingly. “You know why you love Tom. You do. It’s just lost under all the bullshit that’s going on between you.”

Sammy wanted to believe her friend and she said as much. She told Molly about how she wanted to remember why she loved her husband but at the same time she was questioning whether or not she wanted to continue a marriage with a man who completely ran away from her every time things got a little tough. He had promised her years ago that he would take care of her and be there for her and their family. Was it fair for Sammy to put her girls through this? They didn’t need to see their parents fighting or falling out of love with each other.

Molly didn’t know how to advise her when it came to Tom. “Now how does Joe fit into all of this?” Molly asked.

“He’s been with me this week while Tom’s been away,” Sammy explained. “He’s been around a lot lately, actually, ever since Tom and I started drifting apart.”

“And you guys are getting closer.”

“Yeah,” Sammy said. “And I’m starting to see him differently, and it happened before he went and told me about his feelings… So that’s the most confusing part.”

“Do you love him?” Molly asked.

“Of course I do, he’s Joe,” Sammy answered automatically.

“Yeah, but are you in love with him?”

Sammy didn’t know how to answer that. She hadn’t even really given herself the time to consider it as a possibility and she wasn’t going to anytime soon. She couldn’t. It would ruin everything. “No. But I see him as more than a friend now, if that helps you understand.”

Molly scoffed but didn’t comment. Sammy chose to follow suit. “It makes sense, though and you have nothing to feel bad about.” Sammy sucked in a breath that Molly must have heard because she followed up with, “Right?” When she didn’t respond right away, Molly whispered, “Oh, Sammy.” It was enough to send her over the edge. The tears began and didn’t stop the entire time she tried to explain to Molly what had happened. It took her a minute to collect herself and start making sense, but she was able to tell her friend everything. She started with the events that led up to the kiss on the bridge and ended there, telling her that she and Joe had parted ways the previous evening on an awkward and unfinished note. For this, she felt horrible, and now she needed advice. She didn’t know what to do.

Molly took it all in and didn’t speak for a beat after Sammy said she was finished. “You asked me to call so I could give you advice, and I love you to death, but it’s nearly six here and I need to sleep soon, so I’m going to wrap it up for you.” Sammy didn’t interrupt but was surprised to hear that they had been on the phone for almost two hours. “I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, sweetheart, I really am and I do not envy feeling the way you do.” Molly heaved a great sigh and kept going, “That being said, my advice is cut the bullshit.” Sammy opened her mouth to answer and made a few futile noises before Molly cut her off. “No, no, Sam, listen. You know I love you to death, but you are too much of a doormat when it comes to men. You’re great when you’re alone. You’re headstrong and confident, and up until recently in your marriage you were like that. Now you’re letting the wants and needs of two men determine what you want and need. Don’t do that. I cannot be more serious right now. Don’t let everyone else dictate what you deserve as a woman. You can’t lose sight of the fact that before you’re a wife and mother, you’re a woman and you need to stand up for yourself. You have two daughters who look to you to learn how a woman behaves. Are you going to let them see you fall apart because you can’t decide which man you want to make happy, or are you going to stand up and choose what makes you happiest?” Molly paused for a second, coming down from her soap box as her tone softened. “I know that seems easy for someone who’s not in the situation to say, but at the end of the day, babe, I don’t care about Tom and Joe. You are my family. You and those girls, and I care if you guys are happy. That’s what you should care about, no matter what happens.”

“You’re right,” Sammy squeaked out, trying to ignore the painful lump in her throat. “I am going to try and figure this out before Tom gets home.”

“That’s a good idea.” Molly sighed. “I love you, sweetie, and I miss you lots.”

“I miss you, too. When will be in Detroit?”

“Pretty soon. Next month I think.”

“That’s great! Let me know, okay?”

“I will, and call me if you need me.”

Sammy hung up with her best friend feeling a renewed sense of vigor and self-confidence. She got out of bed and got ready for the day, all the while trying to decide what the best course of action was.

She had a distinct impression that she didn’t need to spend too much time weighing her options. She felt certain that she would just know.

 

It was about forty minutes later and Sammy found herself sitting alone on a bench at the bridge where she and Joe had shared an incredibly intimate kiss the night before. Actually, it was a couple of kisses.

Sammy felt her cheeks flush. Almost immediately after she had gotten off the phone with Molly and she’d made herself a pot of coffee so she could figure things out, she knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy. She had to make amends with Joe and tell him she was sorry for leaving things so unfinished and awkward the night before. She honestly didn’t know why she had been so insistent on them meeting as soon as possible, but she had an idea that the sooner she talked to Joe, the sooner she would figure out what she wanted.

Sammy wasn’t even entirely sure she was going to pick either.

She was anxious as she sat alone because she didn’t want to leave her teenager home alone for too long. She knew Emma was due back sometime in the afternoon but she wasn’t sure exactly what time. Just in case things took a while she’d made sure to write a short, simple to Emma that indicated she was out getting breakfast. She didn’t necessarily specify that she wasn’t going alone.

“This was a mistake,” Sammy whispered to herself, lowering her face into her hands and groaning to no one in particular. “I should have just stayed at home and texted him. I’m married. I’m so damn stupid.” Sammy quickly lifted her head up and looked around but thankfully no one was in the park this early. She closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to regain even a dash of composure.

But of course she realized all of this was futile the second she opened her eyes and spotted Joe. Her heart raced and her cheeks flushed all over again remembering how it felt to kiss him after years and years of entertaining the thought, not to mention all the years in her youth when she’d stared at Teen Bop posters of him and dream.

Thinking about staring at Joe’s ‘3rd Rock’ pictures was amusing and Sammy felt the pull at the corner of her lips and found an amused smirk hard to resist. This was when Joe himself showed up in front of her and she heard him say, “What’s funny?”

It was as if the awkwardness of last night had never occurred and they were back to their usual back and forth. This was how Joe would have approached her any other time. And any other time she would have laughed and told him all about it and he would have teased her relentlessly about it. Sammy was about to follow with this pattern but the moment she peered up and gazed into Joe’s face, she knew things were different. Acting as though nothing had been said seemed silly and incredibly insensitive.

Instead of explaining, she shook her head and let the smile fade off of her face. “It’s nothing, just a dumb memory.”

“Oh.” Joe’s voice was so quiet she could hardly hear him. She was staring right into his eyes for this second when the silence reigned. In his eyes she saw everything she needed to see. She knew every word spoken yesterday was truer today than it had been before, leading her to believe that this was it and this was real. For lack of a better way of explaining it, Joe was not fucking around.

How the hell could she handle feelings that intense? She was sure Tom didn’t even feel that deeply about her anymore. Maybe at one time their love had been strong enough to sustain that five year gap of longing and loneliness, but there’s no way it was that strong anymore. It was a heartbreaking realization but there was something to temper the sting.

This honest man staring at her, his arms open and his heart willing to take a chance on her. She knew without even speaking to him that if she chose him, he was in this for the long stretch. She had never thought of Joe as a commitment kind of man, but then again, he had obviously never been with the right woman.

Maybe she was the right woman.

Sammy shook herself, trying not to be too obvious. She averted her gaze from Joe’s then, angry with herself because the last thing she wanted to do was give Joe mixed signals. If he was that serious, he deserved a definitive answer. She couldn’t be wishy-washy about this so she needed to make sure she wasn’t making a decision based on something stupid and misleading, like hormones.

“So, uh,” Joe said, clearing his throat to break the tension of the moment. Sammy came around and decided to act like an adult. That much she could do. She sat up straight and moved over, indicating she’d like Joe to sit next to her. He did. Sammy tried her hardest not to have a visible reaction to his proximity. Everything about him made her think of the night before when she had been wrapped in his arms and pressed against his lips. She closed her eyes, determined to stay unaffected. Finally, she opened them and nodded to Joe so he would continue. “Is everything all right? You sounded kind of… frantic on the phone. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t coming down here under duress.” He said this with the faintest hint of a smile, like he was trying to make a joke but couldn’t really invest.

“Yeah, um,” Sammy started and then everything she had planned to say immediately escaped her brain. She had been more shaken by what she saw in Joe than she expected. To be honest, she had half expected Joe to tell her that he had gotten carried away the night before and that it really wasn’t that serious, more like a crush. Nothing had prepared her for knowing the depths of Joe’s feelings for her. it moved her deeply and she was so thrown that nothing she had readied herself to say seemed appropriate anymore. “I guess I just wanted to say sorry for the way I ended it last night.” Sammy breathed a sigh of relief. This was a little more neutral. She could handle this subject. “I feel like after everything you said, for me to just –”

“Sam, it’s really not a big deal,” Joe interrupted her, placing a hand on her knee and then immediately retracting it when she jumped. She hadn’t expected the contact and was sorry that he had backed off so quickly. “I understand why you can’t… well, why you feel a need to reciprocate or anything like that is really unnecessary…”

“And you know I don’t want to just say it to you just to say it,” Sammy said quietly and without questioning what she was doing, she slid closer to Joe, so close she could smell the faint traces of aftershave he used the day before. Her head whirled and her heart picked up speed. Being this close to him was dangerous but she couldn’t seem to drag herself away. “I know how far back your feelings go, Joe, so I know that if you’ve been around this long, you’re not afraid to commit to one woman for the rest of your life.” Joe’s expression told her that she had hit the nail on the head. His face was a mixture of surprise, relief, and a very real kind of terror underneath all of it. He knew the consequences of what she was saying.

“Are you…” he began, clearing his throat yet again, “are you saying that you’re actually considering this? Me?” The honest confusion in his tone was slightly heartbreaking, as though he really didn’t believe he was a worthy contender in her eyes. Sammy couldn’t help but think that’s exactly what he was.

“It’s like you said,” she said with a shrug, “it’s not weird to choose the person that makes you feel the most loved.” Sammy’s heart was pounding hard in her chest. She was so nervous that her fingers were trembling. Luckily she was able to disguise this by pulling up the sleeves of bright yellow woven sweater. She wasn’t sure if she was coming onto him or if she was trying to get him to come onto her, but she didn’t like what she was doing. She pulled herself back a little bit and took a deep breath, feeling a little relief when she realized she was able to sever the connection she felt rather easily when she needed to.

The question was did she really want to sever it at all?

“Sam,” he sighed and smiled widely at her, reaching out and taking her hand. She let him but tried not to get too close. “I’m so glad to hear you say that,” his smile faltered then and his gaze shifted downward. Sammy frowned. “And as much as I want to just take your hand and run away as far and as fast as I possibly can… I just don’t think that would be fair to your family. All of your family,” he emphasized and Sammy shook her head, trying to nest inside her denial as deeply as possible. She knew at some point Tom would be home and they would need to sit down and discuss what was going on but until that moment came, she didn’t have to think about it and right now, with the promise of someone who was going to love her and respect her the right way, why would she want to think about it? Even if nothing came of it, entertaining the thought for a second made her feel better than she had in weeks.

“I don’t know when Tom is coming home, Joe,” she said honestly. Her heart was soaring now with the idea that things could get better. “And I don’t know what will happen when he gets here but there are just some things that have happened between us that aren’t… aren’t going to be easy to forgive.”

Joe was quiet. Sammy didn’t expect him to say much. She knew that she was doing exactly what she didn’t want to be doing, and that was leading him on, but she was getting carried away. She just wanted someone to love her and appreciate her for the person she was. She knew Joe would communicate with her. He would be good to her girls. He would treat her like a gift because he had waited so many years for her. Their life together would be happy and easy because they were already such good friends.

Sammy immediately shut out any thoughts of what this life would cost her because it was so painful she almost lost the ability to breathe. Losing Tom wasn’t going to hurt that badly.

If she was going to be saying this to Joe, she owed him something. She owed him an effort of some kind to prove that she wasn’t just saying all of this because she was overwhelmed with loneliness and heartbreak. Joe was something special to her, even if she wasn’t exactly willing to put a word to how she felt about him just yet.

“Are you hungry?” she asked suddenly and Joe was taken aback, but she saw on his face that he was willing to go along with her subtle request to continue this conversation elsewhere.

He nodded, giving her a soft smile. “Sure.”

“Let’s go then,” Sammy said, standing up slowly, waiting for Joe to follow suit. They stood there for a moment in silence. It was clear that the sexual tension still not quite resolved and it made this pause slightly awkward before they reached a compromise that was both familiar and close. They held hands.

 

Several hours later, Joe and Sammy’s breakfast date had ended as a long lunch. They forgot that there was any awkwardness or tension and fell back into a routine that seemed easy and perfect. The only thing Sammy noted that was slightly different was the way Joe touched her. He held her hand like before, but when they walked through a group of people at the restaurant, he laid a hand on the small of her back. It was gentlemanly and unexpected, mostly because Sammy liked it so much. He even stretched his hand across the table a couple of times to caress her hand while they talked. It was all very subtle and sporadic, but it made Sammy feel so warm, as though someone genuinely wanted to take care of her.

The ease with which they were speaking now allowed the hours to simply melt away. When Sammy realized that it was well past two, she was instantly anxious and incredibly guilty all at once.

“Oh my god, my daughter is probably home by now!” she cried frantically, grabbing for her phone to see if she had gotten a message yet.

“Sam, chill,” Joe said. “She’s fourteen. You know she’s old enough to be home alone.”

Sammy huffed at Joe. He smirked at her. “It’s not really a question of responsibility or trust, because that’s not really an issue. It’s more about spending time with them while they’re home. You know, before they’re completely gone and I never see them.”

“That’s awfully maudlin of you, Sam,” he chuckled. “She’s only fourteen. If she goes right to college she won’t even leave until she’s eighteen.”

“Uh,” Sammy said, slapping a hand to her chest dramatically. “Four years. Don’t remind me.”

He rolled his eyes and reached out to take her phone away from her. “You’re a drama queen. Relax.”

“Fine,” she said, pursing her lips and crossing her arms. “But if my phone rings I am allowed to answer it.”

“Agreed. Until then, be here with me, all right?” Joe asked, smiling sweetly. Sammy saw that gaze in his eyes that she knew so well and she was unable to argue any further. She was enjoying herself, after all. Why hurry home when there was no need to?  
They left the restaurant shortly after this and decided to go walk by some of the local shops. Sammy loved them. It was one of the reasons she had chosen to move to this small town. She was thoroughly enjoying herself with Joe and she didn’t want the day to end. There was a particular comic book store she had in mind and with Joe’s hand wound tightly in hers, they headed in that direction swiftly.

“You are a world class geek, I want to tell you that right now,” he stated as they walked into the store.

“I resent that, Robin,” she whispered harshly, the corners of her mouth turning up. “As I recall someone had a bit of fan boy wood when they did that movie –”

“Alright, alright,” he nudged her. “You don’t play fair.”

“You make it easy,” she teased, leading them both toward the section set up for DC comics. Joe was next to her, looking through the books with some interest and just as Sammy was about to lean over and whisper something playful to Joe, she heard her phone going off in his pocket. “Hey, that might be Emma, will you grab it please?”

Startled at her proximity, he fumbled for a second before he pulled the offending object out. She knew immediately who was calling by the look on Joe’s face. His exuberance was quickly erased by a look that could only be described as blank horror. He handed the phone over and Sammy’s suspicions were confirmed when she saw that it was indeed her husband on the other end.

Sammy took a deep breath, knowing that no matter what was happening on this end, things were going well and nothing was going to change that. She slid the lock to answer the call and pressed the phone up to her ear. She cleared her throat and said, “Hello?”

“Samantha, my love, it’s so wonderful to hear your voice!”

Everything Sammy knew crashed around her the instant she heard these words on the other end of the phone. It had been so long since Tom had said anything this wonderful and the promise of his words was just too enticing to ignore.

“Tom? Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m talking to you! This is so great,” she sighed. She watched Joe’s face fall even more and she turned away from him quickly. His expression was going to completely break her heart. “You’re not going to cut out in a second are you?”

“No, love,” he said, laughing a little. That familiar and unique sound of his laugh warmed her heart. She felt an ache for him right then. “I’m, uh… I’m actually home. I’m here.”

Sammy went cold from head to foot. “Are you serious?” She was excited to see him but so dreaded the conversation that was coming. She finally peered up at Joe. His head was turned from hers still and she felt terrible. She couldn’t help how she felt and this was precisely what she had been afraid of. Then again it had seemed to her that Tom wouldn’t be around anytime soon and she certainly hadn’t expected to feel so excited about hearing from him.

“Yes, yes,” he said, laughing a little more. Sammy smiled. He sounded happy and that was a good sign. She missed this Tom so badly that her eyes welled with tears. Where had this man been for the past year? “I actually arrived at the house about an hour ago, but Emma had just gotten home so we talked and then I took her over to Kayla’s for the night, actually. I thought perhaps you could come home and we could talk for a bit? I-I feel like there’s a lot we need to talk about.”

“Yeah,” Sammy took a deep breath, glancing up at Joe. Her stomach turned and her heart beat a little faster. There was still something there, something unexplored and wonderful lurking under the surface… A tear nearly escaped her eye and she turned her head away. “Yeah, I agree. I, uh… I’ll be there soon, all right?”

Sammy barely registered that Tom had said, “Sounds great,” on the other end. She was distracted by Joe’s abrupt departure from the store. Sammy was concerned for Joe but she was excited to see Tom. It was nice to hear from him, nicer than she had expected.

“Bye,” Sammy pulled the phone away from her ear and quickly ended the call. She didn’t want to drag it out any longer than she absolutely had to. She shoved her phone in her pocket and darted outside after Joe, who was standing directly outside the door.  
Joe turned toward her as soon as she burst out of the store. She gasped at the sight of his tearstained cheeks and red eyes. He shook his head at her, almost as though he didn’t want her to notice. “You don’t have this all figured out yet do you?”

She opened her mouth because she was about to say she did and that she wanted to make him happy, but she couldn’t. She could not lie to him. She wasn’t ready. She hadn’t anticipated her visceral reaction to Tom, almost like a knee jerk reaction to being without him for so long.

There was still a possibility for it going both ways. Sammy wanted to listen to her instincts because that was the only way she was going to be able to make this decision the right way. She took a deep breath and stepped closer to Joe, taking his hand in hers and pressing it against her face. She closed her eyes and smiled sadly. She lowered his hand and looked into his eyes, speaking earnestly. “I wish I had it all figured out. Because then it would be easy. I could be with both of you.”

Joe stepped closer and clasped his other hand around hers, raising them up as he came close. He was dangerously close again and Sammy tried to talk herself out of staring at his lips. “But you know you can’t do that, Sam.”

“No, no I can’t,” she said with a chuckle, trying to keep her eyes off of his mouth. “I need to do this on my own.”

Sammy’s eyes were welling and she didn’t want to cry, she had done all right so far. They had driven down here together so Sammy was anxious to get back and swap cars so she could get home. She smiled at Joe and nodded that he should follow her, turning around and walking down the street, assuming he would follow.

After a few steps she became aware that he wasn’t behind her. She turned and frowned at him. He was planted where she’d left him, clenching his fists with a very confused and determined look on his face. She was about to question it when he became unfrozen and walked briskly toward her. She saw more clearly the look on his face and was slightly more alarmed than she had been before.

“Before you go talk to Tom, there’s something you should know.”


	18. Chapter 18

Tom: Then

 

“Okay, I think we can take this scene here and clip it up a little,” I tell my editor, leaning over his chair as I stare at our rough storyboard. “Because I think it runs a bit long, so we have room to spare in this area. What do you think, Joe?”  
Joe turns in his chair, taken away from what he’s doing and takes a look. “Which scene?”

“This one, here,” I say, pointing. “I figure we can lose about a minute.”

“Possibly,” he says, lost in thought for a moment. “That’s a pretty pivotal scene, though, maybe you want to take it away from something else?”

I groan loudly. “I swear I’m never getting out of here.” I rub my hands over my face, trying to slightly revive myself. It’s been a long, long day and I am anxious to finish this up so I can get back to Joe’s and go to sleep. Joe and I are in Los Angeles working on our short film. Originally I had to come out for some press for a movie I’m starring in and in between the moments where I have to be doing interviews and signing autographs I am with Joe, my head buried deep in this project.

“If you’re tired, man, you don’t have to stay,” Joe offers. “There’s really not much left to do here, I can finish it up.”

“No, no, let’s get this done,” I say, determined to push through. The sooner I wrap this up here the sooner I can get on a plane and be home with my family. I left them at a particularly busy time and I am even more anxious to get home than usual.

“If you insist,” Joe says flippantly and decides to set aside what he is doing for now so he can help us finish the editing. This is only the first time we’ve really gone through and decided what goes and what stays so we’ll need to revisit it sometime soon but for now we’ve got a good basis and we can throw everything together before we have a screening cut for the critics and test audiences.

It takes another hour before we’re satisfied with the work we do and cut out. Joe suggests we go grab a coffee or something to eat, and as desperate as I am to get back to his flat so we can just go to sleep, I agree. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with Joe alone. Whenever we’re in California we always stay at Joe’s (even when he’s not there) but I rarely have down time while I’m here. 

We find a small café that is still open and go in, sit down, and order. Neither of us opt to eat because it is so late so instead, Joe orders a coffee and I ask for an Earl Grey. It’s nice to sit back and relax and I do so the instant the waitress walks away. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, resting my head against the back of the booth for just a second. I landed here in LA midday yesterday and barely had enough time to get my things settled in at Joe’s before I had to get back into proper interview attire and head out for interviews and press events. Any time I have off I am working with Joe.

Needless to say I am exhausted.

“Here you are, gentlemen,” I hear. I open my eyes and smile graciously, thanking the waitress for our things and I set about to making my tea and taking a sip. Joe is doing the same and as soon as he finishes he sighs and sits back.

“Is everything all right?” he asks me. “You seem distracted.”

“Ugh,” I groan, sitting forward and placing my tired face in my hands. I rub my eyes and shake my head, laughing to myself for my dramatics. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more distracted.”

“The movie, you mean?”

“Well, yes,” I tell him, wrapping my hand around my hot mug, intent on taking a drink. “I’m a little nervous about the short film, to be honest.”

“Why?” Joe is genuinely puzzled at my confession. “You already produced one film and that went over well. Why should this one be any different?”

I try to arrange my thoughts as best as I can. My brain doesn’t tend to work when I am running on so little sleep and I hate not being in control of my cognitive faculties. It’ll be time for sleep very shortly. But first I have to remember what it is that I am supposed to answer for Joe.

“I think it’s because this time I have more of a creative hand in it,” I tell him. I have gone through this so many times in my head and it’s nice to be able to say it out loud to a person. “I only had a producing credit on the first film, but there’s really not a lot of creativity involved there. Basically anyone who puts in a lot of money is a producer.”

“Or time,” Joe says with a laugh. “A title in a movie doesn’t define what you did. Don’t let something that small take away from what you gave to that project. It is just as much yours as this film is.”

I don’t know if it’s the ability to finally unwind or if it’s the inherent wisdom in Joe’s point view or a combination of the two, but I feel as though a burden has lifted from my shoulders and I relax instantly. It’s as though the weight of the world is gone and I am light as air. Nothing is pressing and nothing needs to be done now. “I never thought of it that way before,” I muse aloud.

“I can tell,” Joe says with a smirk. “Listen, now that you and I are actually involved in this project with hitrecord, you’re set. If you don’t want to go through the other endless nightmarish parade of shopping something around to everyone in show business, you don’t have to.”

I nod, because this is something I have considered as well but it is nice to hear the verbal invitation. “I appreciate that, Joe, I really do,” I tell him, finally taking a drink.

“Not a problem,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s a shame how so many true artists really have a vision and just can’t get through the bullshit red tape, you know? Like, they don’t have the right amount of money to interest anyone or they don’t know the right people. Who cares? It’s about making the movie, putting your art out there for the world to see.” Joe is very emphatic as he talks and I nod as I listen. I agree with him but I lack the passion he does. That is one thing about Joe I always appreciate, his intensity. I envy him at times, because I am not an overly aggressive or outspoken person and it seems easy for Joe to get what he wants when he wants it bad enough.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to rant,” he says after a second, catching himself. “The point I’m trying to make is don’t be worried.”

“Thanks,” I say with a chuckle. “I think I just needed someone outside of my own head to tell me I was being an idiot.”

“Always happy to help,” Joe says, smiling. I smile back and we sit in silence for a second. Another thing I missed about spending time with Joe is the ability to just be able to sit back and not have to fill every second with conversation. I love my wife to the end of the earth but sometimes I like not having the pressure of coming up with something to say.

After a bit, however, Joe speaks up again, asks how the family is because it has been a few months since he’s been there to see them. I tell him that everything is all right with the family, but mostly I am surprised he doesn’t know all of this already. He and Samantha seem to talk almost daily. I comment on it and he shrugs absently.

“I don’t know, seems like everyone’s just busy,” he says, but I sense somehow he is hiding something. I decide to just leave it be. If he wants to share it, he will.

“Early September is always incredibly chaotic,” I commiserate. “I’m still adjusting to the American school system, so I forget to schedule around certain dates.”

“That’s understandable,” he observes.

I look down into my nearly empty cup and decide that things are actually going pretty well for me. I get to do what I love for a living and at the end of the day I come home to the love of my life and the two beautiful daughters we brought into the world together. That’s not so bad. I peer up at my friend who is staring at the table, his eyes distant. I feel for my friend. I can imagine that it gets lonely without someone to come home to but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to find anyone.

“Well, I hope whatever is going on between you and Samantha gets resolved,” I say, abandoning my earlier decision to feign ignorance.

Joe’s eyes meet mine and he tries to give a noncommittal shrug before he says, “It’s not really a big deal. She just… she kind of did something behind my back and…” he stops himself and then shakes his head, deciding against speaking.

“What is it?” I ask.

He huffs and takes another drink of his coffee, avoiding my eyes and shaking his head. “She’s setting me up with a friend.” He says this with derision and anger, and as I stare at my friend curiously, I can’t help but wonder why it would be such a bad thing for Joe to find someone.

   
Tom: Now

 

Tom Hiddleston had absolutely no reason to think he wasn’t a good, decent man by the time he arrived home that afternoon. He had fought his hardest to get home before it was too late so he could salvage his marriage, going above and beyond the call to just get there. He had smoothed things over with his daughter, thereby strengthening his relationship with her. He had made sure to swallow all of his fears so he could call his wife and let her know he was on his way home. It had gone much better than expected. He noticed Samantha sounded excited to hear from him, which was a relief because he was sure she was still angry with him.

They had a lot to discuss and it wasn’t going to be pretty. He had decided to be completely honest with Samantha about what may or may not have happened while he was away. They had started their first week together with the promise that they would be honest with one another. Why was it a forgotten notion now? 

Tom was anxious but excited to see his wife after being away from her for so long. With all of the other personal torments distracting him, Tom had lost sight of exactly how lucky he was to have made it out of the storm in one piece. Other places on the island had not been as fortunate. Tom only came to this realization on the flight home and was that much more determined to make sure every relationship in his life was back on track.

Above everything, Tom knew the first and only thing he really wanted was to just hold Samantha in his arms again, like he used to. It had been so long since they had been overly affectionate and intimate like they used to be, and it had been even longer since they’d made love. He craved her touch desperately and knew the moment he saw her that he would lose total control and throw himself at her. He was sure no force in the universe would be able to contain his joy in seeing her.

Twenty minutes passed and Tom tried not to let himself get too concerned. It sounded as though Samantha was on her way so he had expected her within the first few minutes he’d arrived, but there was no sign of her yet. He didn’t want to call and pester her because he had no idea what she was doing. Still, he was still anxious to hear from her and figured he could give her another ten minutes before he called to find out what was keeping her.

Once this was decided, he headed into the kitchen, intent on finding himself something to drink before his wife got home. It was in this second that all hell broke loose. Tom opened the refrigerator and heard the back door of his home fly open and two loud, raised voices came in after it.

“This is an absolute nightmare! How dare you wait? I am so furious with you!” Tom recognized his wife’s angry yelling and was confused as to what they were yelling about.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” came Joe’s voice. He sounded as though he were nervous and a bit cautious in the way he chose his words. Tom didn’t blame him. Samantha’s temper had a way of making a man feel like a child.

“Whatever, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Tom? Where are you?”

Tom gulped. He couldn’t imagine what exactly it was he was supposed to have done that he was in trouble for. Everything had gone wonderfully with Emma, Samantha had sounded genuinely excited to see him, and he was feeling positive about everything. Maybe something was escaping his memory but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. This insane emotional rollercoaster and the lack of any discernible sleep had made him feel a little punch drunk.

It wasn’t until he finally caught a glimpse of his wife for the first time in a week that everything came rushing back. The instant he saw her tearstained face and the look of absolute betrayal etched over her features when she gazed at him it was as though his entire body was dunked in ice water. His heartbeat went completely erratic; the mended cracks from that horrible night and morning after were torn violently asunder. How, in all of the excitement of the day, had he completely forgotten about the night he had been unfaithful to his wife?

Sure, it wasn’t a one hundred percent certainty that he had actually committed the unfaithful act, but he had still been in bed with another woman, a woman that was not his wife. He had gone along with the suggestion that they share a bed, and if he really tried his hardest to dive into the alcohol saturated memories, he only recalled thinking Malinda looked like Samantha. That, in his mind, was probably the most egregious sin because it made it seem as though the love of his life would be easy to replace. This was the furthest thing from the truth. He didn’t know what he would do without the woman that was his miracle.  
It was evident from the way Samantha was looking at him that it could potentially happen. This scared Tom more than anything ever had and he suddenly felt like a desperate, lonely child, and not a word had been spoken yet. He feared the worst.

But Samantha surprised him yet again. He expected yelling and screaming and bellowing and weeping but he did not expect calm silence. It was eerie and it was so unlike his wife that he found himself wondering, just for a second, if there wasn’t some merit to the notion of them splitting up. If this was what he was doing to the woman he had swept up with in a hotel for a week, he had to be stopped. For her sake. He wouldn’t be responsible for destroying her soul.

“Joe said something happened while you were gone,” she whispered to him, her eyes downcast and her body language indicating that she was completely closed off. Suppressing the urge to hold her was absolutely no problem. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Tom peered up, his heart broken that his friend had betrayed his confidence. Of course, he was most concerned about repairing his marriage and knew that he wasn’t going to spend too much time being angry with Joe just yet. This additional knife wound would mend but he had never felt weaker and more alone in his entire adult life.

“Listen, Samantha, before I tell you what’s going on, I just want to say something,” Tom sputtered. Maybe she would be forgiving enough to let him plead his case first. He had no way of knowing if it would work, though.

“All right,” she said, sighing heavily. Her head rolled back almost lazily, as though she were entirely bored of the ordeal completely. Tom’s breath caught at how badly this hurt. This could mean the end of their marriage and she wasn’t upset about it?

Now was not the time to point that out, however. Right now he had to explain his way out of his mistake. “I just want to tell you that I never, ever meant to hurt you and I would never dream of doing anything to cause you pain. You are the one person in this world I am supposed to love and protect, and I just haven’t been doing that well as of late…”

Tom decided now was the moment to pause and collect himself quickly before he had to explain what had happened. He peered up and saw Joe at the edge of the room and he shut his eyes quickly, knowing that he could not count on his friend right now for support in this. Tom certainly didn’t expect Joe to choose sides in this stickiness, but he’d hoped Joe would understand that this was something Tom had to tell his wife face to face.

“Okay, Tom, I understand all of that,” Samantha said quietly and Tom strained to hear her. She was withdrawing further and further from him and he was scared to lose her. The second she stopped caring about the marriage he would know, absolutely, that it was over. “Now, please explain,” she stated, tilting her head down to shield her eyes from him.

Tom’s chin shook as he opened his mouth and he had to pause for a second. He couldn’t lose his wife because of this. There had to be something that they could do, something that they could figure out to get them through this. They were soul mates weren’t they? This wasn’t a connection that was supposed to just fizzle out because of a rough patch.

He marched on, though. He had her here so he had to act. “I’m not entirely sure what happened, Samantha, and that’s the truth.” Her head was turned away so he couldn’t see her reaction to this. “One minute, I’m in the hotel bar missing you terribly and the next morning I wake up next to someone, fully clothed, I might add, and I have absolutely no memory of how we got there or what happened the night before.” Tom wished Samantha would look at him so she could see in his eyes that he was being honest. This wasn’t just a thing he said because he was a philandering coward of a man and needed to say something to placate his suspicious wife.

However, she remained very much removed from him. He heard her whisper something very low and he frowned at her, not wanting to get too close for fear of spooking her. Instead he leaned over a little bit and asked, “What was that?”

“I said,” she said, a little more forcefully, “it’s awfully convenient that you can’t remember any details.”

Tom was taken aback and a little shocked that after acting so callously removed, Samantha had suddenly regained her footing and out of nowhere launched a nasty comment meant to infuriate him. She definitely knew how to push his buttons but he wasn’t the type of man that yelled at women. He had been raised properly and he would never shout at his wife.

Sometimes he felt maybe that was exactly what they needed, though.

“It’s the truth,” he spat defensively, trying not to sound too angry. He wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of seeing him rattled. “Why would I lie to you about this?”

“I can think of a million reasons why a man would need to lie about cheating on his wife!” Samantha was no longer pretending that she didn’t care. She was turned completely toward him, her arms still crossed in front of her, her gaze occasionally finding his but not staying there for any length of time.

Tom was frustrated. Her flipping the emotions on had really thrown him and he wasn’t sure what to make of it yet. On one hand, she was withdrawn and calm, and then on the other, angry and vehement. He had been with her when she was at her moodiest and he’d been able to handle it then. For some reason, she was throwing him for a loop tonight.

“Samantha, come on,” he said, a note of desperation in his voice. He hadn’t anticipated that. “I’m not lying to you. What would I have to gain by admitting to any of it if I wasn’t telling the whole truth? It doesn’t make any sense. And you trust me, don’t you?”

Samantha narrowed her eyes at him, finally meeting his gaze completely. Tom almost wished he hadn’t because those dark gems were blazing with an intensity he hadn’t seen in ages. He recalled a woman who wasn’t afraid to fight against a man she loved for the love and protection of her child. He never told her in the years after their reunion how proud he was of her for putting Emma first. He knew that it had been a challenge for her because he’d felt the same exact way. It was only in this ferocious moment of maternal instinct that Tom had ever witnessed something so vivid from her.

“Do you honestly think I can trust you after all of this, Tom?” she said, her voice lowering in pitch as she fought to keep the emotion out of it. Tom was overcome with the need to comfort her but he fought it off just as easily as it had come. It disheartened him to realize that it was getting easier and easier to disregard the nicer thoughts he held for her.

“I’d like to think that some part of you trusts that I’d make the right decision.” He wasn’t going to back down so easily. “You know me, love. All of these years we’ve been together…”

“I do know you, Tom,” she said. “I know the man who used to be involved in this family and this marriage, the man who used to communicate with his wife and tell her what he was thinking and feeling. I know that man. And you are no longer that man.”

The comment cut Tom to the core. It was as though the wind had been knocked out of him and he forgot how to breathe. He was struck with the enormity of his part in the disintegration of his marriage. He had been an idiot for too long a time and now it was too late for him to just sit down and tell his wife that he was sorry for shutting her off. There was no one good reason for it. The circumstances surrounding it didn’t really matter now, because the end result was what mattered at this point, it was what needed to get resolved.

Now he was facing the very real possibility that his marriage was coming to an end. He didn’t know if he could bear to lose Samantha a second time. He was sure he wouldn’t get a third chance to get this right.

He thought of his girls and how badly he would miss them when they weren’t around. He didn’t allow a picture to form of his life without Samantha because he couldn’t let that happen. Leaving his wife was not an option. It never was an option to be without her once he met her.

He stared down at her, his eyes welling with tears that wouldn’t fall, at least not yet. He wasn’t quite at the moment of accepting that this was truly it. He remembered everything about their first meeting. He remembered the way the pink in that dress did nothing to hide every amazing curve of her body. He recalled the glimmer in her eye and the full sound of her laughter. She was warm, compassionate, and one of the most genuine people Tom had ever met in his entire life. It didn’t take him more than a couple of Long Islands to realize that he was already stupid crazy in love with this woman. It was why he couldn’t let her go for that one week, the week his entire life was changed for the better.

And now there was a chance that the fairy tale was coming to a very abrupt end.

“I can be him again, Samantha,” Tom said, determined to make this right. “I know I’ve been an idiot. I have a lot to make up for and I have to earn your trust again, but I’m willing to change.”

Samantha took a step back and shook her head sadly which was yet another tear at Tom’s already fragile heart. “I don’t know, Tom, it’s not that simple anymore. This is so much more complicated than it ever was before. How do you not see that?” She sounded incredulous and ardent, but it also seemed as though her passion was starting to wane again. Tom was suddenly struck with the realization that he had to keep her caring about this, because if she still cared, they still had a chance. He couldn’t lose her that easily. He didn’t fight for her before but he was going to do it now.

“How is this complicated?” he begged her. “We just have to figure out what is going on between us and then we start communicating. It’s that simple. We sit down and talk.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The tone of Samantha’s voice had changed completely. Tom frowned deeply, extremely confused.

“What did I say this time?” He was exasperated with this back and forth and if this was going to turn into an argument there was nothing he could do to stop it.

“It’s not what you said, it’s what you didn’t say!”

“Which means what, exactly?”

“You think our only problem now is a lack of communication? How did you so conveniently forget about the fact that you ‘may’ have fucked someone else that is not your wife?” Samantha seethed, including air quotes for the word ‘may.’

“I didn’t conveniently forget, dammit! I was saying communication is where we have to start, because I’m sure if we figure that out everything else is –”

“What?” she interrupted. “Everything else is going to work itself out on its own? No, no that’s not how it works, Tom. How many times does this relationship have to fall apart before you realize that?”

Tom was hurt by this comment. “You know that I meant to come back for you.”

“I know you did, Tom, but it still took you five years.”

“You’re changing the subject, Samantha,” Tom said, leaning up against the island and rubbing his eyes. “The point is our problems can be boiled down to the initial problem. The one that began all of this.”

Samantha shook her head and turned away from him, pointing toward the day. She sniffled and then quietly whispered, “Joe’s gone.”

Tom lifted his head and peered out into the living room. Joe had indeed left but Tom was far too engrossed in the conversation he was having with his wife to notice. He turned and buried his head in his hands for a second, trying to regain his composure.

“I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry about all of this and I can’t tell you how much I want to make it up to you,” Tom was saying. When he didn’t hear anything he lifted his head and saw that his wife had not come back into the kitchen. He stood up from the island and walked into the living room, not finding her in here, either.

“Samantha?” he called. He noticed that the door was slightly ajar so he followed it outside and found Samantha standing on the edge of the porch, staring into the woods that surrounded their home. “What are you doing, love?” he asked her. She was standing with her back to him, her arms still wrapped around her body.

Tom paused before crossing the threshold to approach her. He walked up carefully and quietly behind her, aware that it had been a long time since he could truly appreciate his wife physically. Because of his inability to communicate with his wife a lot of the intimacy in the marriage had dissipated and he was not the type of person who could make love without intimacy. Now that he was feeling the urge to open up to her, he was noticing a definite change in his libido. His wife was just as sexy standing on this porch in jeans and a long sweater as she was the night he first saw her in that vivacious fuchsia. He wanted to touch her so badly but felt like he was on the other side of a wall that had been erected between them. To penetrate it was impossible and inadvisable, but he had to try.

Tom finally came up close behind her, close enough to smell the floral aroma in her golden tresses and to feel the heat of her skin against his. They were exactly a foot apart in height so they had certain challenges when it came to affection but they always made up for it. Tom’s favorite thing to do was walk up behind her, just like this, and loop his long arms around hers shoulders and pull her right against his chest. Then all he had to do was lean forward and place his chin against her head and everything fit like it was supposed to.

His arms were nearly twitching at his sides yearning to do this exact thing. He didn’t think Samantha would handle it very well and he didn’t dare piss her off any further than she already was. He had to handle this with kid gloves.

But dammit if she wasn’t beautiful.

He admired her for a moment longer before she actually did realize he was there. She didn’t speak. In fact, she didn’t need to. Tom knew that she was aware of his presence by simply observing the lung depth and exhalation length of her next heavy sigh. He knew this woman too well. If the mood had been lighter, Tom would have given in to the urge to smile.

It didn’t take long after this that Samantha did speak and when she did, Tom felt yet another pain shoot through his heart. She sounded absolutely wrecked and it was all his fault.

She opened her mouth and choked through a wash of deep emotion, “How could you?” Tom was unable to answer her. How could he? What answer wouldn’t sound ridiculous after hearing that? “Tom… You know why my first marriage ended…”

Tom felt the bottom drop out of his stomach and he nearly doubled over from the agony of this realization. How could he have forgotten about Zach Newman, his wife’s first asshole husband that did the same exact thing Tom had, thereby ending their marriage that this first man also came to regret? He couldn’t even begin to imagine the anguish his wife was feeling right now.

“I never meant to hurt you,” Tom said, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “Why would I do that to you? You’re everything to me, Samantha. I...” he managed not to sob ridiculously and resumed speaking. “I can’t lose you. I am nothing without you.”

She rubbed her arms and shook her head, sniffling a little more violently now. He could tell she had rivers of tears flowing down her cheeks now but she was not going to let him see her cry. He respected that but he wished she would turn around and face him before she said goodbye, if that’s what was happening right now.

“Why won’t you just speak to me?” he pleaded, coming around to stand next to her, hoping to catch her gaze, if just for a second.

“Why does all of this suddenly matter to you, Tom?” she asked, glancing over at him. She wiped her face discreetly and set her jaw. “It’s like one second you’re the perfect husband and friend and I’ve never been happier and then you have a bad week and all of a sudden it’s like I’m just a roommate.” Tom scoffed and shook his head but somewhere he knew what she said rang true.

“I know I’m not perfect, Tom, but I tried. I tried and I tried for months to get you to talk to me. I hoped maybe you’d confide in Joe or one of the girls and at least I would know you were able to talk about it, and maybe that would make it easier for you to come back to me. I shut down and just stopped trying. I had that last bit of hope that maybe you would notice but that was gone quickly, too. I had hoped that at some point you would have realized what you were doing… I never thought you would do what Zach… did …”

At this point, Samantha couldn’t hold it in any longer. She had sobbed the last two words out and crumpled over. Tom forgot his vow to keep his distance and rushed to her aide, throwing his arm around her and holding her as she cried. He enjoyed this moment while he could. She didn’t resist his help or actively try to discourage it, which gave Tom hope until she finally regained composure and shrugged away from him. He sighed and stood up, taking a step back. Samantha leaned up against the railing of the porch, still breathing heavily with an occasional hitch of someone who has just had a long, hard cry.

“Why did you do this, Tom?” After a second, she was able to rid most of the coiled emotion from her throat and she sounded as even as ever. She stared straight into him and said firmly, “And why the hell do you think that I’ve already forgiven you? You’re talking like it’s all been said and done and now all we have to do is sit down and have a quaint little chat over a cup of tea and boom! Marriage saved. Is that how this is supposed to go?”

“Not at all!”

“Well, then excuse me for calling bullshit, Tom. You know as well as I do that when a person is unfaithful in a relationship it’s the cowardly way of trying to say that the relationship is over.”

Tom felt a crushing blow to his abdomen. He reached out to her, desperate for her to receive his touch again. “You can’t do this. You are too damned important to me to just let this end without trying!”

“Oh! I’m important to you, huh?” Samantha drew herself in as soon as she noticed she was yelling. For the better part of their marriage he had never seen her completely lose control and he felt that she was very near the breaking point. “Why all of a sudden after a year do you remember how important and wonderful your wife is? Why after all of this time, and after you screwed someone else do you want to try? You didn’t want to try before.”

“My perspective has changed, Samantha. It can happen!” he insisted after she rolled her eyes at his statement. “You haven’t even bothered to ask what happened while I was gone, Samantha. Did you wonder why I couldn’t get a hold of you and why it may have seemed like every conversation we had was ridiculous?”

“Joe told us there was a hurricane, Tom, but he told us you were all right and there was nothing to worry about,” she said to him, her expression softening a bit. He knew he had caught her off guard with a valid point.

“When I was out there in the storm I thought about coming home to you,” he told her, his hands now against his chest, mostly to steady his racing heart. Now, he realized this would help with this last impassioned plea. “I really thought for a moment that … That I wouldn’t ever get back to you and the girls and I wouldn’t be able to tell you how much I loved you… It killed me to know you’d never know because I was just too much of a damned coward to tell you that I was sorry.”

There was a brief, wonderful pause where Tom’s heart lifted and everything seemed like it would be all right. Samantha’s expression was softening but it seemed as though she couldn’t fight the pain beneath the smile. Tom was left breathless as he gazed into those eyes, so often reminding him of a delicious mug of hot chocolate. It was not only the color that was similar, but the way both made you feel; warm, comfortable, and for a second, completely at peace with the world. He didn’t know how he’d be able to survive going a day without being able to look into them.

But he already knew that this particular battle was not his to win. Samantha’s eyes had darkened and finally arriving at the courage to speak, she turned and let her eyes bore into his for a second before she whispered, “I’m sorry for what you went through, Tom I really am, but maybe you should have thought of that before you took another woman to bed.”


	19. Chapter 19 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

The air in the room feels a little tense to me as I sit in the secluded booth seat with one of my best friends. I am on my way back out of town to my California home after a particularly long stay in Michigan. The visit had gone a little longer than planned because at Sam’s behest, I finally went forward with buying a house close to them. She insisted it was a good idea since I was visiting there so often anyway, and it was true. I do possess the means to purchase a modest home outright and have it potentially save a ton of money in airfare, hotel stays, and the days of work I miss when I’m traveling.

However, the real reason I am so resistant is because if I have a house out here in Michigan, I will be out here more often, spending time with Sam. I know the one thing I have going for me right now is distance. Michigan wasn’t my home before. I spoke with my friends long distance, for the most part.

Something I always treasured was our late night chats on Skype, the kind where we would be talking and stumble into a pattern of conversation that never really ended. Then at some point, one of us would notice the time and we’d regretfully end the conversation. I was usually okay with it, though, because I would fall into bed with Sam’s voice freshly ringing in my head, the image of her beautiful, laughing face burned into my brain, and my heart full with the easiness of our conversation. I love that the last thing I heard was her voice before I shut my eyes for the night.

I know somewhere in my heart that I have made a terrible decision, because the second I don’t run home when my feelings are just too much to handle, I know that I am going to be trapped there indefinitely. There’s no way I’m going to be able to tear myself away from Sam. What if she needs someone to be there for her? I already have trouble getting these thoughts out of my head when I stay a short time, I can’t imagine how attached I’m going to get if I stay.

So I went ahead and did it anyway, because Sam can talk me into anything, a fact that I’m sure she has come to realize. There is a part of me that’s tempted at the notion of getting closer to Sam, but I feel like if I give into it, it’ll only end badly.

Sam is the volunteer driving to the airport this time. A while ago when it became a little too cumbersome for all of us to go to the airport at once, we decided it was better if we said most of our goodbyes at the house and then someone else would do the drive. We left a little early on purpose because we wanted to stop and get a bite to eat, however somewhere from Sam’s to the diner a conversation was brought up that has now got us in this tense, awkward silence.

It’s been a few years since I met Tom and Sam and in that time, I’ve only been dating casually. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to reconcile my idiot brain to accept that there is potentially someone else out there for me, someone who isn’t happily married with a family. I typically only date women I meet in California because it is a much more familiar area for me and at the same time some stupid part of my heart wants to save my time in Michigan for Sam.

One of my best friends being a woman, the tendency to gossip and pry a bit into my dating life is inevitable, so I know that Sam has been paying attention to the fact that I have yet to commit to anyone for more than a couple of dates. She asks me quite often what I’m doing and what I want out of a relationship because she knows how I feel about marriage. I often find myself fighting to come up with an excuse of any sort, because Sam can’t know the truth about how I feel and she certainly can’t know that when it comes to my feelings on marriage, it might not be as cut and dry as she thinks.

After all, if Sam had been single when I first met her, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d make her my wife by now.

Instead, I clam up, and then I get angry when my best friend decides to tell me that she’s set me up on a blind date when I get back to Michigan and how she hopes that’s not a bad thing because she cares about me and doesn’t want me to be lonely. She doesn’t have any idea. She’s just looking out for me.

I didn’t say anything when she told me and she knew instantly that I was angry. I hate to fight and I especially hate to fight with Sam, but she’s not made of stone. She’s picked up on the fact that I am upset and she still hasn’t commented, because that was well before we got to the diner. Now we’re here in the diner, food ordered, the air between us still tense because neither of us has spoken yet.

The waitress comes back to refill our coffee and we politely thank her as she floats onto the next table. I opt to finally break our silence as I fill my mug with a packet or two of sugar. Just as I go to open my mouth, though, Sam jumps in first.

“Why are you so angry with me for setting you up on a blind date? I just want you to be happy,” she whispers and it’s like a knife in my heart. I feel terrible.

“I’m not angry, Sam, I’m just a little…” I search for a word, because ‘devastated’ will not make any sense, but that’s the closest way to describe how I feel right now. “I don’t know, I’m a little ticked off that you went behind my back to set me up. You know how I feel about dating, especially women in Michigan. I don’t come here often enough for a relationship to last.” ‘That and I don’t want to start spending time with anyone else but you while I’m here,’ is what I really want to say, but I keep quiet.

“You’ll be here more often now that you have a house,” she points out, a fact which I have completely forgotten. She’s right, of course. There is really no other discernible, believable reason that I can turn down this offer to be set up without sounding petty and ridiculous.

But better to be petty and ridiculous than to have my secret found out. I narrow my eyes at Sam and cross my arms defensively. “Regardless, you should have at least asked me what I thought about it.”

“I have asked you what you thought about it and I still set you up,” she says, sighing in exasperation. “What is the harm in just trying something new?”

“New? Dating?” I ask, incredulous. “I’m not exactly a novice to the concept, Sam.”

“Well then what is the problem?” she throws her hands out and sits back against the booth in defeat.

I falter because I really have nothing to tell Sam except the truth. I have to dig deep to find the anger that will make it easier for me to avoid accidentally blurting out what is really going through my head.

I force myself to consider the idea of never getting to be with Sam in the way that I want. No matter what, I will always be second in comparison to the man she has married. I know their history backwards and forwards, so I know how deeply she loves Tom. What they have is rare and intense. I don’t have a prayer.

The longing in my heart is so overwhelming that for one panic-ridden moment I think I am going to just tell her I love her, but I look into her eyes and the instant I see the pity, the moment passes. I am angry out of nowhere.

How dare she pity me? She thinks I’m so lonely and pathetic that I can’t find someone serious all on my own? She’s never considered that there’s something more to it than my opinion about marriage?

And why the hell did she take him back after he abandoned her for five years? If I had done that to a woman I claimed to love that deeply, I’d never expect to be forgiven. I love Tom as a friend and he’s a great guy and a professional in every aspect, but sometimes I really question his ability to make decisions under pressure.

The unfairness of it all is enough to make me explode. I lean forward and try to keep my voice down when I answer her, “The problem is you have no idea what I want. You and I may be friends, but you just don’t even have a clue and this feels like a real betrayal of my trust.”

“W-What?” Sam says, clearly caught off guard.

“I love you to death, Sam, but you need to just back off and mind your own business.”

Sam’s expression shifts and I see the blazing look in her eyes she gets when one of her children says something unacceptable to her, like ‘shut up’ or ‘I hate you.’ I instantly shrink under that gaze, knowing I have crossed a line.

“If that’s how you want it, fine,” she says, her teeth clenched. “Let’s get you to the airport.”

We leave soon after and the remainder of the drive is so tense that I wish, for the first time since I’ve known Sam to be away from her as soon as possible. It’ll take a while before we make up but I know Sam won’t stay angry long.

No matter what happens we’re always all right. I take comfort in this fact and the fact that I was able to keep my secret and I board my flight home with my heart considerably lighter.  
 

Joe: Now

 

Joe couldn’t sleep that night. The only thing ringing through his ears was the sound of Tom’s desperate pleas for his wife to trust him. He had sounded so lost, as though the mere thought of being cut off from her was excruciating. Joe understood that feeling exactly. It was this fear of losing her that had led him to commit his most treacherous, cowardly act; confessing Tom’s secret.

He knew the second he opened his mouth to tell her about it that it was going to bite him in the ass at some point. Now, if he lost Sam, he would surely lose Tom as well. He had thrown his friendship with Tom under the bus in a crazy, last ditch effort to secure Sam’s position in his life.

He didn’t have a prayer.

Before things had gotten too emotional and insane the night before, Joe had ducked out. He didn’t even care that he’d driven Sam here himself and that her car was still in his driveway. He had to get away before he heard Tom grow even more anxious and forlorn. Worse yet, he didn’t want to stay around just in case Sam actually decided for the second time in their complicated relationship to forgive him.

The confliction in his brain was the root cause of his insomnia. The normal, rational thinking and empathetic part of him was in serious turmoil. He had caused both of his friends a great deal of pain by essentially betraying them both. He wished he could take all of it back, and not for the first time in his long friendship with these people, he wished he didn’t have feelings for Sam at all. The guilt was enough to keep his stomach churning because he had gone against everything he believed in during the past twenty-four hours alone.

However, there was still that emotionally distraught, love-sick part of him that didn’t feel any of those real emotions. It only felt the overwhelming desire to keep Sam as close as possible, no matter what it took. He was so angry with himself for giving in yet again but he just couldn’t seem to stop.

Especially now that it seemed Tom and Sam’s marriage was reaching an impasse. There was really a big decision to be made here, and he knew that even if he didn’t factor into it, the inevitable result would either be the stabilization or disintegration of their marriage.

He did secretly hope that she chose to pursue something with him, now that his feelings were out there and it seemed that Sam was open to it, if not exactly reciprocating as of yet. He knew he could provide her a life where she would never for a moment feel unloved or underappreciated. He had waited so long for her that every second of their time together afterward would be a wonderful gift. He loved Sam and he loved the girls with all of his heart.

The only downside was losing Tom.

At some point during the night, Joe was able to fall asleep for almost two hours but woke up in a panic after a particularly disturbing stress dream. It was early and he was unaware how the night before between Tom and Sam had ended. He was reluctant to get in contact with either of them to work out getting Sam’s car back to her, so he felt that it might be better to just wait for someone to call him.

Joe shuffled about, following his morning routine lazily. In fact he was quite on edge waiting for someone to get in touch with him. He was so curious to know what had happened the night before that it was almost enough to make him sick. His stomach was churning and his heart was racing. He tried to calm himself down but the coffee was only making it worse.

Eventually he gave up and decided that a shower would probably help him feel a little better. No sooner did he turn on the water and disrobe when his phone went off. He saw that he had a new text from Sam. Heart pounding, he scanned the message quickly, but was disappointed at its vague, perfunctory tone. ‘I need to get my car. Can we arrange a pick up?’

He texted back quickly, ‘When?’ If she could be strictly matter-of-fact, so could he. A second later he received her response. ‘Soon. Are you busy now?’

He looked around the bathroom and sighed heavily, feeling the burden of being put upon yet again, but his desire to find out what happened after his departure the night before was too strong. ‘No, not really. I’ll head over,’ was the reply that came next. He threw his clothes back on and made sure he didn’t smell too bad before he headed out the doorway.

Joe didn’t know what to expect as he made the short trip over to Sam and Tom’s. He didn’t hear from Sam after she sent a quick ‘K, thanks’ to his offer to come right over. Maybe whatever she had to say to him wasn’t something she wanted to discuss via text. He could understand that. After all he was a big advocate of saying things face-to-face versus hiding behind a screen and carefully chosen words that do nothing to convey emotion or tone.

He tried not to overthink it as he pulled into her driveway. He didn’t even get a chance to shut the engine off when he saw Sam closing and locking her front door. It was Sunday morning, so it was likely that neither of the girls were home from their weekend sleepovers yet. He watched (with more than mild interest) as she hopped down the steps and walked briskly to his car. Joe tried desperately to read her facial expression to figure out what was going on but what wasn’t hidden under a large pair of dark sunglasses was impassable. Disappointed again, he waited for her to hop in, having a feeling that getting anything out of her was going to be harder than he thought.

She slipped in, closed the door, and buckled her seat belt all before she finally spoke. “Thank you, Joe.” It was cordial and overly formal and he knew in an instant she was angry with him.

“What’s going on, Sam?”

She shook her head and stared out the window. “I’d really rather not talk about it, please don’t pester me.”

Joe was taken aback by her tone. They hadn’t spoken to each other like this since Sam had confessed that she’d set him up with Sharon. It was particularly hard to hear it after the events of the last few days. It cut him even deeper than usual.

But he didn’t answer her. He stayed silent, because that was what she wanted. Joe wished he could ask her a million questions but he had a sinking suspicion that his time with Sam was coming to a close. Even if she and Tom didn’t end up staying together after what happened the night before, he didn’t think Sam would be foolish enough to throw herself at another desperately stupid man who was willing to deceive others to get what he wanted.

Sam deserved much, much better than him.

The remainder of the ride was tense and quiet, things Joe was not unaccustomed to when it came to Sam. She was fond of the silent treatment and sometimes it was a bit ridiculous but sometimes it was serious. This was probably the worse it had ever been.

They parked in Joe’s driveway and he expected that Sam would only open her mouth to thank him again before diving into her own vehicle and taking off. Fully expecting this, he started to beat a hasty retreat back inside the house so he couldn’t see the emotions he was about to experience upon her leaving. Before he even made it up the steps, he heard Sam’s voice calling out, making him stop in his tracks.

“So that’s it, huh? Tell me you love me, completely confuse me in the process, and then tell me you’ve been keeping a secret about my husband cheating on me, and then you just get to turn tail and leave? Is that how this is going to work?”

Joe was still for a long time, unsure of how to answer this angry accusation. He wanted to deny all of it but he knew that every single thing she’d pointed out was accurate. He’d purged his soul to tell her of his feelings for his own benefit, not hers. Confusing her hadn’t really been expected but he had definitely had a hand in it. Maybe confessing his love while she was feeling abandoned and unloved was not the smartest way to go about it. It just made things more complicated and ridiculous, so he bore that responsibility as well.

Telling her about Tom had seemed like a good idea at the time because somewhere in his crazy brain he thought he was doing it for the right reasons. It must have been a lie he was telling himself, because in the light of the day it was clear he only did it to make her stay and not because it was the right thing to do. Sam had the right to know, sure, but in all honestly, Joe was sure Tom had already planned on confessing. Underneath it all, Tom was a good-hearted, genuine person.

“Well?” Sam said behind him, her voice so shrill and angry that this word was practically a screech.

Joe winced at this but turned around to face Sam. He descended the steps and walked over to face her even though he could clearly see she was trembling with fury. He didn’t care. If they were going to have this out here, he wanted to give her the confrontation she deserved. For this at least he could be a man.

“The truth is I didn’t want to confuse you, Sam,” he told her, gazing into those coffee bean eyes and fighting the urge to sweep her into his arms. “I’m just tired of seeing you unhappy with Tom.”

For a quick second her eyes blazed and Joe was a bit intimidated. “What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Joe insisted. “You’re not happy with your husband anymore. It’s like he’s killing your spirit or something.”

“I’m not a horse, Joe,” she spat. “He’s my husband. I vowed to love him for the rest of my life. We have two children together. We’re having a rough patch.”

“Come on, Sam!” Joe was growing weary of her denial. “You’ve been telling me that you don’t think Tom is the same man anymore, and you know what? I love the guy like he’s my brother, but I agree with you. He’s distant and uncaring. He’s not appreciating you the way you need to be appreciated, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman.” He was in over his head now but he didn’t care. If he was going to say it, it was going to be heard. Joe took a step closer to Sam and felt a slight twinge of excitement when he saw her gasp. Whatever her lips were saying he knew that she was still conflicted, deep down.

This meant he had a chance, even if it was a small one.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Joe,” she said, shaking her head and crossing her arms over her chest. It was a clear indicator that she wanted him to keep his distance. “It’s not like you know what being married is like and it’s not like you’ll ever know.”

Joe took a deep breath, knowing that Sam didn’t want him to get too close but chancing it anyway. He took one more step forward and set his jaw before he said, “You know I’d marry you in a heartbeat if it’s what you wanted. Just to make you happy.”

Sam’s eyes flickered as she stared into his face defiantly. He felt sure her resolve was weakening as they stared at each other. After what felt like an eternity, Sam finally broke eye contact and squeezed herself tighter. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Joe, and don’t try to make me feel better.”

She turned around so quickly to run to her car that he was unable to get anything more out. He wished he could tell her she was wrong, and that he could ensure that for the rest of her life she would never want for anything, but he kept his silence. She was still a married woman, still a mother to two beautiful daughters who loved their father very, very much. He knew that their separation would be agonizing. More than likely Tom would end up back in London and he couldn’t imagine how lonely it would be for him without his family. It was a sticky situation and he hated to have been the cause of it.

Sam ducked into her car and he watched as she pulled away, debating what to do next. She was probably convinced that he wouldn’t come after her to prove that he wanted her. What could she expect? Her first husband had been an utter asshole that had the audacity to act as though his infidelity was completely her fault. Tom had abandoned her at least twice in the course of their relationship, so Sam literally had nothing to compare these actions with.

He would prove her wrong. He would go after her.

 

Once Joe had made his decision to go to Sam, it only took him a matter of minutes before he was strapped into his car and ready to make the short trip over to her home.

The only thing holding him back now was the very real fear that had started to bloom in his heart. For whatever reason, something was keeping him from starting the car up. He wasn’t sure what the deal was, since only moments before he had been extremely determined to do this. Now that he was in the car with his hands on the wheel, something was gnawing at him.  
It could have been the millions of misgivings he already had going through his mind every second of the day, like the possibility of losing Sam or the idea of Tom finding out what was going on and feeling betrayed. No, it wasn’t any of that.

Instead of letting it weigh him too heavily, he shook it off and made sure to refocus his decision to go to Sam. If he didn’t gather the courage to go and instead sat back to let the chips fall where they may, he might not get his chance to tell Sam everything.

He may not get a chance to be selfish with her again, and before he left for good, he needed it. He needed to wrap up in her and let all of the guilt-ridden dreams and tormented thoughts fade away because it was just too good to have her in his arms.

The thought of achieving this again was too good to pass up, so Joe started up the car and with one last strong breath of determination, backed out of the driveway. He spent the full six minutes it took to get to Sam’s trying to keep his willpower from fading entirely. He struggled with it the longer the time stretched around him. The adrenaline was not pumping nearly as hard as it was before and the closer he came to the house, the louder his fear pounded in his ears. He was nearly shaking by the time he made it to Sam’s driveway but he took the last turn anyway.

He couldn’t give in to the fear. He had to see this through.

It had only been about fifteen minutes since he and Sam parted from their previous argument. He felt maybe he had waited a little bit too long as it was. His heart was pounding heavily in his chest as he exited his car and made his way up to her door, intending to knock but fearing that she would not let him in if he did so. Instead, he checked the doorknob and when he confirmed it was unlocked, he took a tentative and quiet step into the house.

Joe was surprised to hear absolutely nothing upon entrance. He knew Sam was here since he’d seen her newly returned vehicle in its spot. He quietly closed the door behind him and peered around a bit, ensuring Sam wasn’t standing right there to catch him off guard. The living room and adjoining kitchen were empty, as well as her office down the hall. Joe wasn’t sure where else to look but knew that he didn’t want to go traipsing around upstairs. The last thing he needed was for her to catch him and assume that he was being presumptuous.

“You’re overthinking it, you idiot,” he chided himself quietly.

The only other place he could think she would be was the basement. He knew she liked to go out on the patio from time to time, especially when she needed some time to unwind. If there was ever a time he knew she’d need to unwind, it would be now.

Without further hesitation, Joe made for the basement and saw the patio door cracked, knowing his previous assertion had been correct. Gathering up the remaining scraps of his courage, he treaded forcefully through the basement and pushed the door further so he could slip through easily. Sam noticed him as soon as the door opened. He registered the overwhelming emotions that passed over Sam’s beautiful face, the confusion and anger, the relief and shock, and beneath it all the happy exhilaration that was most prominent.

Every other moment in the past where he was sure he loved this woman was instantly forgotten upon seeing that sparkle in those deliciously dark eyes. The love he always felt for her intensified greatly and he knew that every single action, no matter how foolish up to this point, had been worth it just to see this look in her eyes.

He knew somewhere inside of her she loved him, even if she was never ever willing to admit it to him. He felt now he could probably live with this knowledge if nothing more came from this. Joe would always have the memory of this look, this particular twinkle that was just his. Tom had everything else about her and probably always would. Joe had this. He wished he could hold onto it forever and never let this moment go.

Inevitably, it passed. The deep upset and resentment settled like a mask over Sam’s features and her stance changed entirely. “What are you doing here?”

Joe closed the door behind him and crossed the patio to approach her. She was sitting on the built in bench on their small deck and as he approached, she shifted to give him room to sit next to her. “You don’t have to do that,” he told her. He had every intention of staying on his feet. He was now much too antsy to sit down. She gave him a funny look and sat still, looking at him expectantly. She wanted an explanation.

“You left too fast before,” he started, trying to figure out the right words to say while also trying to force his body to calm down. His hands were a bit tremulous while his heart was racing in his chest. He was normally very relaxed and down to earth, so the shock of this kind of upset on the body was almost too much to handle. “I didn’t have a chance to tell you everything.”

“You told me enough before, Joe,” she whispered harshly. “You told me you loved me and then you told me that you’d marry me if I left my husband for you?” her tone was accusing but her eyes were forgiving. Joe pretended not to notice. “How can you do that to your best friend? You’re supposed to be the person I lean on when my marriage gets rough, or my job is stressing me out, or I feel like I’m just a big failure because for whatever reason my marriage doesn’t work and I’m going to ruin my daughters’ lives because I can’t handle another goddamn second of feeling worthless! And you said the one thing you’re never supposed to say and you ripped that away from me, Joe. How could you?”

Joe was frowning at her. Everything else after Sam’s confession of feeling like a worthless failure was lost because he couldn’t get over the fact that she had said it at all. “Is that how you feel, Sam?” he asked her after a quick beat. He was afraid she would close up and not speak anymore if he waited too long to answer. “You feel like a failure? You feel… worthless?” Sam didn’t say anything. She shook her head yes and Joe took a deep breath and a step back, trying to figure out how to best word what he wanted to say without it sounding overly emotional and sappy. “Samantha Leigh Chance, you need to look at me right now.” He wasn’t sure if it was the forceful tone he used or the fact that he used her full name, which was something only Tom ever did, but she looked up immediately, astonishment evident on her features. It didn’t matter, he had her attention. “Before I even say what I need to say, first of all, you are not a failure. Relationships fall apart every day and it’s never one person’s fault. Never. Anyone that says different is lying. You are not one hundred percent responsible for your marriage and you should never feel like you failed because I know that you have tried. You can’t fail something that wasn’t meant to work.” Joe stopped and gritted his teeth, trying to get over the enormous guilt he felt in his heart for saying this last thing to her. Deep down Joe knew that he was lying to Sam.

“But what I am most concerned with is that word ‘worthless.’ How, after everything you’ve ever been through can you even begin to imagine that you’re worthless? Is Tom making you feel that way?”

Sam rolled her eyes and tried to discreetly wipe away the tears that were pouring down her cheeks. When she spoke, her voice broke. “I-I think I’m just being overly dramatic, Joe.”

It hurt Joe to hear this. He had an idea that Tom wasn’t being very nice to his wife but he had no idea that Sam felt like she wasn’t important or necessary. The idea that she would forgive him for all of this just because she had children with him was heinous and well, Tom wasn’t here... but Joe was. He may as well voice his opinions since he had the opportunity.

“So… After all of this drama and ugliness… The way he’s been making you feel lately, the fact that he never talks to you, the five years he took off and didn’t even call to ask how you were, and now the infidelity… After all of this, tell me honestly, Sam… Would you stay with him?”

“This is not fair for you to ask me, Joe,” Sam seethed, crossing her arms defiantly. “We have a family together. I married him and I promised him –”

“You promised him what? To be faithful? Well guess what, Sam? Tom was not faithful. He broke the vow, which is pretty much the same as breaking a contract… which it pretty much is.” This last comment had an extra bite of sarcasm that Joe hadn’t intended, but somehow couldn’t help either.

“What do you mean, it pretty much is?” Sam spat then, jumping up to stand in front of him, her eyes on fire. “You said you would marry me to make me happy. Does that mean you don’t want to get married? That you’re just saying it to what… sweeten the pot?” Joe was determined to hold his ground but it was hard when the woman he adored was staring him down with so much pure, undistilled anger. “If I were going to choose, if there was even a choice to be made that is, why would I choose a man who would bend over backward to make me happy and be miserable himself?”

“I wouldn’t be miserable, Sam, I’d be with you,” he pleaded to her. “That’s enough for me.”

“One day it won’t be enough, Joe,” she countered, the soft lights in her eyes fading with this realization. “One day you’ll be just as tired of me as Tom is,” her breathing hitched a bit. “You have to be happy for you, not for me.” The corners of her beautiful rosy lips turned up a bit. “I need someone who can be in charge of their own happiness.”

“I understand,” Joe whispered. They were standing close together. Not nearly as close as he would have liked, but he could smell the faint traces of her shampoo. The soft, supple skin of her neck was beckoning to him, desperate for his lips to taste but he knew he had to hold back. He couldn’t expect to just sweep her up and turn her into a cheater as well. That was something he knew Sam would not be able to forgive herself for and he couldn’t do that to her. No matter how badly he wanted to. “I can be yours and mine, how’s that?”

She laughed and it was a relief to see the genuine smile on her face. “You’re not mine right now, Joe, but be yours for now. Promise?”

“I promise,” he said with a smile. It faded after a second and he stared at Sam intensely before she caught his gaze and giggled nervously, asking what he was thinking. “I would marry you, Sam. For me.”

“I thought you hated marriage, you keep calling it a contract,” she whispered, the smile fading from her lips as well.

He smiled at her. “I hate what marriage has turned into, socially. But with you, I’ve waited so long… I’d just want everyone to know that you were mine. You know the old cliché, shouting from the rooftops? Well, that’s exactly what I’d do. You are everything to me.”

“You can’t possibly mean that, Joe,” Sam whispered, her voice choked and her words hopeful.

Joe bit his lip before he continued because this had to be it. She was on the fence and maybe this would do it or maybe it would be the end, but either way, he had to do it. He had to be completely selfish one more time, just in case this was the last time.

“Sam, I know I promised you that after I told you I loved you that I wouldn’t be selfish again, and I’ve done it again since then,” he swallowed deeply, still hating himself for revealing Tom’s secret prematurely. “I hate being just another man who broke a promise to you and I hate that I have to do it just one more time…”

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “How do I know that it’s the last time?”

Joe’s eyes welled as he spoke the next words that would surely break his heart. “Because after this, depending on what happens, you may not see me again.”

True panic overcame Sam then. She threw herself at him, grabbing his coat and tugging him, almost as though the force would compel him to stay forever. “You can’t! You can’t leave me! Joe, I can’t lose you…”

“Sam, you know you and I can’t just go back to being friends after this, like nothing happened,” he whispered to her. He reached up and covered her hands with his, trying to calm her down. “You know I can’t expect Tom to forgive me for betraying his confidence, and there’s no way you and I can just pretend afterward.”

“No… You can’t…” Sam was no longer yanking his coat and was crying between her diminished pleas.

“And you want me to be happy for me, right?” She didn’t answer. “Right?” She nodded, closing her eyes as more tears spilled. “I can’t stick around forever, waiting for you to change your mind, Sam. I have to move on. I should have years ago but I couldn’t leave you. What if you needed me?”

“I still need you,” she said quietly.

“Then let me say what I need to, Sam.”

She let go of his coat and took a step back, nodding. She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater and waited for him. Joe cleared his throat and closed his eyes, gathering his nerve and allowing all of the guilt to fade into the background, just for this couple of minutes while he gave himself over to Sam completely.

He let all of the memories of their times together spill forward in his mind. Everything amazing and wonderful about Sam was amplified and as he opened his eyes and saw the beautiful creature he absolutely idolized standing there, he was able to muster what was left of his courage and approach her.

“Sam from the very moment I saw you on the red carpet to this very second, I have been head over heels in love with you. You are the kindest, most caring person I know. You’re funny and remarkably talented while also being a strong woman and role model for your girls. You’re everything I could ever want in another person. I knew you were special when I first saw you, but I knew I couldn’t live without you the moment I knew you.”

“Joe, that’s…” Sam began but Joe took a step closer and placed his finger against her lips. He took her hands in his and brought them up to his chest, right against his heart.

“This… This has always been yours and it always will be. Our friendship and loving you has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I know that you feel the same thing. You and I have an easy relationship. We don’t fight and we don’t argue. We always appreciate our time together. I will never take advantage of your presence in my life because I am lucky enough to have you at all.”

Sam took a deep breath and nodded to indicate she was following what he was saying. He couldn’t get a good read off of her but he continued on anyway.

“Sam, I love you, and I think you should do something completely crazy. I love you and there will never be a day when I don’t adore you. I want you and I don’t want you to be with Tom anymore. I want you, Emma, and Izzie to come with me to California where I will spend every single day for the rest of my life trying to make you happy.” Joe heard Sam squeak but he soldiered on. “I know it’s ridiculous and downright disrespectful to Tom for me to ask all of this, but I mean it. I want you and you know I can take care of you. I love you, Sam.”

Joe’s eyes were full of tears but he didn’t even notice, because the only thing that mattered was what happened next.


	20. Chapter 20 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

“It’s so great that you’re letting Gigi use the rights to your first book, Sam. I know she really appreciates it,” my best friend is telling me as she guides us through the streets of Chicago. Molly originally hails from the Windy City and we are here together to visit her family and vacation, as I have some time off and Tom is home for a stretch and is volunteering to do the heavy lifting.

Prior to our trip, though, Molly called to tell me that her favorite cousin Gigi, who teaches dance in Chicago, was interested in adapting my first young adult novel into a show. My lawyer advised not to go around handing out the rights to just anyone, but I know Molly would never steer me wrong. If she trusts Gigi’s vision, why shouldn’t I?

“Well, Tom and I discussed it a great deal,” I tell her. “We thought it’d be an interesting way to capture my work. You know Tom, he’s all about the performing arts and ‘getting children educated and enrolled.’” I say all of this with air quotes but I do have a great deal of respect for Tom’s views about the role these programs play in the development of young minds. As parents it is beneficial for us to be mindful of these issues anyway.

“That’s great, I’m glad he’s on board,” says Molly and there is no sarcasm. It took a little while before Molly could fully accept and trust Tom once he was back in my life. I understand her need to feel incredibly overprotective. After all, she’s the only family I have and she knows this all too well. She doesn’t want me to get hurt again, by anyone. Thankfully though, she and Tom have reached a point in their relationship where they can now be good friends. “I kind of assumed he would be.”

“I don’t have anything to worry about. I’m sure whatever Gigi has planned for her production will do my work justice,” I offer and I am sincere in this sentiment. I know what Molly’s cousin is capable of, thanks to social media.

“I think you’re really going to like it,” Molly says with an exuberant smile spreading across her face. “She was so impressed by the message in the story, how the female character refused to let herself get lost in the romance and that she remained her own person even when they were separated.” Molly smirks and gives me a knowing wink. “It takes a strong woman to do that.”

I smile appreciatively back at her, but I know that my struggles are really not all that bad in the grand scheme of things. I shrug. “I’m no stronger than any other woman.”

“Not me,” Molly shakes her head.

“What are you talking about? You’re one of the strongest people I know!”

“I have a big mouth and I know how to get what I want, but going through what you went through with Zach, alone…” she shakes her head. “I would have been a complete basket case. I would have hid myself away from the world, gained fifty pounds in depression weight, and sworn off men for the rest of my life.”

“Fifty pounds later you wouldn’t anyone else to see you naked anyway, Mol,” I say with a laugh.

She gives me a look that says ‘Are you kidding me?’ “If I want to gain fifty pounds, I’ll do it. There’s always a man that wants to see you naked somewhere.”

“There’s always a man that wants to see you naked anywhere,” I say, and we both dissolve into a fit of giggles. It always feels good to have my girl time with Molly. The only other consistent adult interaction in my life is with men and sometimes it can get a little frustrating to not have someone that just implicitly understands you.

“So,” I say, clearing my throat a little. If we were on the subject of Molly being naked anyway, I might as well bring it up. “I hear Chris is going to be joining you in Chicago next weekend,” I give her a little wink. Not too long ago I decided that it might be fun to set up one of Tom’s eligible friends with Molly. She was interested in dating but she wasn’t exactly looking. Mostly she didn’t have time, so I did it for her.

“Oh come on, Sam, you know Chris and I are just friends,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I told you just because you keep trying to fix us up doesn’t mean it’s going to magically work one day. We’re not attracted to each other.”

“Not attracted to each other?” I widen my eyes. It’s my opinion that Chris Evans is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever met, not to mention one of the sweetest. “Are you sure you’re not dead from the waist down?”

Molly sighs, clearly reaching frustration with me. There’s something she’s not telling me but I know that when she starts to flare her nostrils, it’s time to back off. She is wickedly good at the silent treatment. “He happens to be coming into town next weekend for work, so it’s really just a coincidence.”

She says it so matter-of-factly that I find it hard to argue, if I even wanted to. “Well, regardless of what happened and what you’re calling it, I’m glad you two hit it off.”

“Me too.” There is a stretch of silence as I notice the car slowing through the residential neighborhoods outside the city. I suspect we are getting close to her cousin’s. “Speaking of friends,” she says, and I hear a teasing lilt in her voice. I frown. “What is up with Joe?”

“What do you mean?” I ask, surprised. I have no clue what is going on with Joe, if anything.

“Just seems strange to me…” she trails off. I am so confused because I have no clue what she’s insinuating. “You and Tom had this epic five year struggle to be together and now you’re together and happy, your family is growing… And then there’s Joe.”

“Yeah, he’s our friend,” I say. I am not sure what more I can say to convey to her that I don’t understand her.

“Oh, Sam,” Molly whispers and I have a suspicion that she almost feels sorry for me.

“What?” I ask, incredulous. I get the feeling sometimes that Molly is a little too overprotective of me, and I know it’s because she’s essentially been my only family for years. “What’s wrong with Joe?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Joe,” she says, trying to recover quickly. “He’s a nice guy and I do like him.” Her lips are saying one thing but the way she grips the steering wheel and the thinly veiled grimace on her face say another.

“Just spit it out already,” I demand, growing impatient. I was really looking forward to meeting with Gigi and going over the nuances of how my book would translate to the stage. Now I feel less and less inclined to do so. Something about this conversation is making me very uneasy.

Molly takes a deep breath and doesn’t answer. I’ve known the woman too long. I know when she is itching to speak her mind. I also know that she doesn’t want to upset me, for whatever reason, so she is holding back. To be honest, though, I’d rather get over a minor disagreement than have her hem and haw about this for hours and hours.

“Molly, I know you’ve got something to say. Maybe it’s best if you just say it.” I try to prod her into a conversation by adding a note of finality at the end of my sentence. It works at home.

Unfortunately, Molly is immune. She squirms a little more in her seat and then takes her eyes off of the road to peer over at me. The look that passes over her face is different than ones I have seen before and it really appears as though she is struggling with what she has to say. It’s not something I see often and for this reason, my anger transfigures into the prickling sensation I know to be fear.

“Sam, I really don’t know if I can say it this time,” she confesses after another long minute of silence. “Every other time I’ve had to tell you something that might be upsetting, I knew it was better for you if I just gave in and said it. This time… this time I’m not so sure.”

“I wish I understood what you were saying…” I told her, my heart sinking. Now that she has said all this I am curious to know what she is thinking. I, for the record, am still completely lost.

Molly gives me a sad smile. “I know you like your life the way it is, and it might just be my imagination. I could be blowing it out of proportion, so maybe it’s better if we forget I said anything at all.”

I blink and stare out the window, confused, anxious, and a little nervous about what has just happened. I don’t really know why these emotions have swept over me and why it is necessary that I actively calm myself down after this conversation. All I know is I am far more comfortable with Molly’s suggestion than I should be.

“How close are we to Gigi’s?”

   
Sammy: Now

 

“I want you and you know I can take care of you. I love you, Sam.”

Sammy didn’t even allow herself a moment to think before she acted. Upon hearing the exact words she needed to hear, there was no contest. She closed the small gap between them, feeling his heart race under the hand he had placed there before she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him down to meet her lips.

Joe took no time warming up to this unexpected kiss. His soft, sweet lips parted for her, deepening their connection to a point where Sammy was so overwhelmed by the hormonal rush that she felt faint. She clung to Joe even tighter, never allowing a single thought about anything but this passionate embrace to enter her mind. It was too much to bear and right now she wanted her body to lead the way.

The thick, pink fog of desire rolled into her brain, dulling all of her rational thoughts and senses. It suddenly didn’t matter that there was conflict. All that mattered was this, right now, right here. This was what she wanted. Now.

She fell victim to all of these tantalizing thoughts and let Joe deepen the kiss even further. At this point, he had definitely overcome his timid manner and was incredibly fervent. His arms had wound around her waist, and the more passionate the embrace became, the more eager and explorative his hands were. They first dipped below the waist to squeeze her ass once. Sammy gasped a little at this, parting her mouth a little to tentatively slide her tongue against his, amazed at the intimacy she felt with Joe at this contact.

Joe reached his hands back up around her waist, pulling her close as he unwound his arms. She felt his fingers against the exposed skin of her hip. It was as though every nerve in that spot was on fire under his light touch. This man was driving her absolutely crazy.

Sammy’s head was swimming and for a second, she was completely disoriented. She felt the warm, lithe lips against the fiery skin of her neck and everything was gone. Her fists clenched tighter and it wasn’t until the muddied thoughts started to right themselves that the cause for Sammy’s disorienting was made achingly apparent a moment later. Sammy was given an unexpected and completely overwhelming shock when she opened her eyes and saw that the man kissing her was not her husband, the face she was expecting.

All at once, the world righted itself and Sammy came back to her senses. She was able to clear the haze of hormones that were clouding her mind and realized what she was doing was so, so wrong.

“Joe, we have to stop,” she said quietly, feeling a whisper might not come across as serious enough. According to what she was feeling pressed up against her hip, Sammy felt that Joe might be a bit hard to distract.

It took him an extra second longer than it normally would have for him to pull away, but he did. His face was a mixture of anger and confusion and she really couldn’t blame him. She was being very misleading and it was definitely not cool to do that.

Then again, if he kept throwing himself at her, at some point, didn’t he take some of the blame? Sammy wished that these desperate, insane thoughts were enough to placate her guilt ridden heart, but she doubted it would be enough.

“I’m sorry, Joe,” she said, crossing her arms against her chest. Her hands were trembling and she didn’t want Joe to see that he had had this effect on her. “I want all of that from you… How could I not? It all sounds so great compared to what I’m going through right now… But I’m still married, and even if I could find it somewhere in myself to forgive him for what he did, I can’t do this without at least talking to Tom first.”

Something in Joe’s eyes flashed dangerously for a second and Sammy was sure he was going to say something against her decision. She knew he wouldn’t, because he had said his piece and this was her response. She was considering his offer but she needed to be an adult and face her husband first. After all, he was the one she promised to love forever, the father of her children. She had to make an attempt.

And yet… The more she stared at Joe, the more she realized that this man was genuine and amazing and would treat her with respect and love every single day. If she and Tom had just fallen into this mess, there wouldn’t even be a question. Tom was the love of her life and up until recently, she had thought that this fact was enough to keep them together.

Sammy was facing an impossible realization. Sure, she and Tom had a love that was deep, powerful, and real, but was it just another example of what happens when ‘love at first sight’ fades and leaves two people with nothing in common and no way to solve their differences? Could it really be that all of those years, the friendship she had built with Joe meant more because they had gotten to know one another before becoming romantic? She didn’t want to admit it, but the idea had merit.

Instead of letting all of these thoughts weigh her down, she decided to let her poor brain rest on the matter and leave it to her heart. She knew it would lead her to the right decision.

“What is it?” Sammy finally asked Joe after she had let her thoughts quiet. He was standing in front of her with a mixed expression on his face, his dark eyes peering right into her.

“You’re going to go back to him aren’t you?” The heartbreak in his voice was nearly Sammy’s undoing but she knew that for everyone involved, she couldn’t behave like a weepy teenager. She had to be strong, resolute. She was a wife, a mother, a career woman in her forties. She could handle this.

“I’m going to talk to him,” she said evenly. “He deserves to know.”

“He deserves to know what, exactly?” Joe asked, narrowing his eyes.

Sammy sighed. He was not going to make this easy. “If you and I are going to do… well, this…” she waved her hand between them, clearly indicating the brief and torrid embrace of moments ago, “then I should probably tell him what’s going on.”

“And WHY would you tell him anything that’s going on?” Joe suddenly yelled, trying his best not to get too loud. He peered around briefly out of habit, but since the girls were not home, there was no need. “After what he did to you, he doesn’t deserve shit from you! If he can’t respect you and the relationship you two have built over all of this time to back out gracefully, then you shouldn’t feel that you owe him anything.” Joe bit his lip after he said all of this and Sammy knew he was regretful for speaking these words, true though they were.

Sammy merely shook her head at him and explained, “You don’t understand. How am I any better if I don’t tell him what’s going on between us?” Joe pursed his lips and made no other sound, but Sammy knew he understood her point. “You know I could never do that to Tom.”

“Do what? Cheat on him?”

“Yeah.”

Sammy frowned at Joe when he saw the shadow of a smile at the corner of his mouth. She stopped dead, glaring right at him. “What the hell is so funny?” she demanded.

“Nothing,” he said, his tone definite but with a note of sarcasm.

“Nothing, huh?” she said quietly, gritting her teeth. She felt the near irresistible urge to punch Joe right in his smug face but she was able to ignore it. “If you’ve got something to say, say it,” she demanded once she had regained some of her control.

Joe didn’t back down. “The only thing I was going to say was that while you haven’t technically cheated on Tom, you and I have been doing an awful lot of…” he sighed and didn’t continue any further because Sammy knew exactly what he meant. She also knew that deep down she was feeling something for Joe that she couldn’t quite explain, things that she should have been able to easily discern because she was a married woman. That definitely qualified as being unfaithful to her relationship with her husband.

Sighing in exasperation, she took a step away from Joe, eager to get some distance just in case her body betrayed her again. She couldn’t be trusted just yet because she honestly had no idea which way her heart was leaning at this point and she was far too terrified to give it a good look yet. She knew right now that listening to her heart would probably be the easiest way out of this mess.

No way was really going to be easy because when it came right down to it, no matter what happened someone would end up heartbroken. She was one of these casualties, unfortunately. However this entire sticky situation righted itself, she was going to lose one of the two most important people in her life. Sammy still hadn’t fully come to terms with this reality and steadfastly refused to accept its validity.

She couldn’t lose either of them. They meant too much to her.

Sammy turned her back on Joe and crossed her arms tightly against herself. She just wanted a second to think and consider everything he was asking of her. He just wasn’t aware of the astronomical shift he was asking of her. Tom was her husband, her friend, and most importantly, the love of her life. To her, saying Tom was her soul mate wasn’t even quite enough. It was something more. It was almost as though they were the complementary part of one another, two halves of the same whole.

But then Tom had turned his back on her, in more ways than one. There was the first time, when he had promised that their time was not over and then didn’t come back to her for five years. She had given him a second chance then, and now he had turned away from her again. This time it was different and it was much worse. Missing someone’s physical existence in is one thing, but missing someone when they are right there is altogether excruciating.

Sammy was unsure if Tom deserved another chance, regardless of the fact that he was the father of her children. It hadn’t mattered the last time when she had Emma and opted not to tell him about it, why should it matter now? The answer would have been much easier if her daughters had not already caught onto what was going on between their parents. Now that her children were affected by the tension, she knew now that the course of action was what was best for the girls. She wasn’t sure if what was best for them was assuring them a childhood where they didn’t have to worry about their parents’ marriage, or if she should completely rock their worlds with a divorce and possibly forcing a very traumatic separation from their father. Sending her daughters to England would be a nightmare. She would be racked with worry every second while they were gone and missing them so hard she’d fall into a depression. She didn’t even want to broach the subject of possibly introducing Joe as the new man in her life when the girls knew him as ‘Uncle Joe.’

If she didn’t have to think about it right now, she wouldn’t.

Sammy sniffled a bit, trying to hide her emotions as she turned around a little to gaze at Joe, who was standing still where she’d left him. His eyes were downcast and his expression somber. She knew he was taking this very seriously and she appreciated it a great deal.

Everything about her warmed as she gazed at Joe. She felt that it might not have been a terribly fair comparison, given that Tom was not physically here to draw her attention, but Sammy also couldn’t deny what she was feeling. For the entire duration of their friendship, Joe had been an absolute beacon of strength. Not only had he done his best to be a wonderful, supportive friend to her over the years but he’d also done all of this while harboring the burden of his feelings for her. It could not have been easy, being present for some of their intimate family moments, watching on the sidelines and swallowing his pride, just happy to be there. That’s the kind of love Joe had for her and that was the kind of man he was. Steady, patient, and passionately loyal.

What woman wouldn’t adore a man that could give her all of this, especially when she was in desperate need of it the most? Sammy’s eyes batted away the tears that were tingling at the corner of her eyes and she gasped a little when Joe finally raised his head to meet her gaze. It was so intense and real. Sammy took a second and wondered what it was like to be in a relationship with this man, an actual romantic one. She imagined sharing her life with him the way she shared it with Tom, a level of intimacy that she and Joe had yet to reach. There were things married people knew about one another that others didn’t. It was the very essence of marriage.

Sammy imagined he would keep to his word about appreciating and loving her, or at least he would try to. She knew that after a while he would grow accustomed to her presence but they had the perfect foundation for when that initial heat and excitement finally dissipated, so there was nothing to worry about it. Being involved with her best friend definitely had that added benefit.

“Joe,” she whispered finally, breaking the thick, tense silence that had spread between them. Joe’s dark eyes were warm and peaceful, inviting comfort like freshly baked brownies. Everything about it was entrancing and she couldn’t think of what she had to say next, lost as she was in his gaze.

“Sam?” he whispered back, trying to prompt her into speaking.

It worked. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” he said, maintaining his distance. Sammy wished he would come closer and wrap his arms around her and tell her it was going to be okay, but she was glad for the space as well. “But there’s no reason for you to be scared,” he assured.

“Why do you say that, Joe?” Sammy asked him, swallowing to prevent an emotional outburst. It was best to avoid that messiness altogether. “I respect that you didn’t say anything for years before this and that it took a lot of soul searching and battling with yourself to even get this far after all of it… But you still don’t understand what you’re asking of me right now.”

“Of course I do!” he insisted, gesturing for emphasis. “You don’t seem to understand what’s been going on in my head for the past decade!”

“I have an idea.”

“You have no fucking idea, Sam, okay? No idea.” Joe was shaking his head, his hands on his hips.  
Sammy’s anger boiled over again. “Whatever you say. But don’t insist that you have any clue what you’re asking me to do.”

“Like what? Like asking you to leave a man that doesn’t appreciate you and love you the way he used to? Is that what you mean?”

“He’s my husband, Joe. I know you don’t have any respect for marriage but I still do.”

“Since when? He’s your second husband isn’t he?”

Sammy felt as though she had been slapped. Her mouth was open and she couldn’t make a sound. She was vaguely aware of the apologies Joe was now slinging at her quickly. He didn’t have any lapse where he didn’t realize what he had said was horrible. He knew right away.

But it didn’t matter, because the words had been said and the damage was done. Sammy wasn’t proud of the fact that she’d been married twice. In fact, other than her parents dying in a car accident at the same time, it was one of the most painful things that had ever happened to her. It had never been about losing Zach, especially not after all of this time. It was the way she had been so callously tossed aside and made to feel as though it was her fault that Zach had needed to seek out other female companionship.

The fact that her second husband, the man she had expected to grow old with, had done this as well was so torturous that it was physically painful to think about. Sammy was trying so hard not to dwell on this fact because if she did, she was likely to drown in her depression. She couldn’t afford that.

“I’m such an asshole, I am so sorry, Sam.”

This time, Sammy came back to Joe and decided to answer him. “Damn right you are. How dare you, you son of a bitch!” she seethed, unable to contain her rage as she started toward him. Startled by her advance and the menacing glare, he walked backward. “The one thing I am most sensitive about and you go and use it against me. I can’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry, Sam, I really am, I don’t know why it came out of my mouth.”

“Because,” Sammy said suddenly, feeling the anger deflate her and leaving nothing but a cold, lingering sadness. “You’re like every other man. You’re going to get used to me, you’re going to stop appreciating and loving me, and then at some point you’re going to take all of the intimate details of my life, everything I told you when I thought you and I were at a good point and I trusted you completely… and you’re going to destroy me with it. Just like every other man.”

The shock and pain were evident against Joe’s handsome features as she finished her rant, nearly spent emotionally. Sammy was ready for a relief from all of this outrageous drama. She was in her forties. This kind of drama should have been long gone from her life by now. After everything was said and done she could do with a nice vacation. Preferably something tropical.  
She couldn’t daydream about that right now because she couldn’t picture who would be there on the beach next to her. If at this point she chose one of them at all.

“Is that what you think?” Joe whispered to her, finally chancing some affection. He reached out his hand and took hers. Sammy didn’t fight him. She was too numb. “You really think I would do that to you?”

“I know you would,” Sammy said to him quietly. “It’s happened to me each time.”

“I don’t want to destroy you, Sam. I only want you to be happy,” Joe told her, and it was so sincere that she almost believed him.  
She was so tired. She was tired of worrying about her marriage and her family, battling her feelings for Joe, and just wishing desperately that somewhere among all of this was the magic solution that would fix everything. She didn’t want to war with it anymore and she suddenly felt very much like just throwing up her hands and running away until everything blew over, but she knew full well she couldn’t do that. She was at the center of all of this. And she was so tired.

That was when the tears finally came forward. Thankfully she wasn’t sobbing like a teenager at a high school dance, but she didn’t want to be crying at all. It was a waste of time and energy that she just couldn’t spare right now.

What she loved about her relationship with Joe was how well they knew each other. Joe could read her like a book and he knew exactly what was going through her head. He must have. It was the only explainable reason for why he stepped forward right then, scooped her into his arms, and held her tightly against him as he whispered to her, “Please don’t give up yet, Sam.”

Sammy didn’t care what her tumultuous emotions for Joe were at that point because she just needed her best friend. She let go and clung to him, crying against him as all of the stress and frustration eased off of her a bit. It felt good to let go.

Some time passed like this and when Sammy felt that she was totally cried out, at least for the time being, she unwound her arms from around Joe and wiped her face sheepishly. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one being the total idiot tonight.” Joe took a deep breath and shook his head. He hadn’t moved yet, indicating to Sammy that he needed to be this close. She didn’t want to deny him because her heart was racing and every nerve in her body was screaming for his touch. “And after everything I had planned on saying to you…”

“What do you mean?” she whispered, curious.

He gave her a coy smile. “I had this whole plan to come back, fight for you, and then sweep you off your feet. I guess it was kind of silly.”

“That’s not silly,” Sammy said, feeling some of the happiness in her heart that she’d felt earlier upon just looking at Joe. She wanted some of it back. “That’s incredibly sweet.”

Joe’s eyes shone for a second but all he said was, “Didn’t work out well, did it? I came in here, kissed you, confused you, and then insulted you. Not exactly a knight in shining armor.”

Sammy had to giggle at this comment because it was true. It wasn’t the gallant entrance he had expected, but the fact that he wanted to treat her like that at all was amazing. Her own husband couldn’t even be bothered to do that kind of thing for her lately.

“Maybe not a knight in shining armor,” she said, “but you certainly have a way of making me smile. That’s for sure.” Sammy decided to let the next words flow out of her mouth without even thinking about them. “I want to be happy, Joe, and you make me happy.”

Joe smiled at her and Sammy closed the small gap between them and stood on her toes to kiss him fully on the lips. Her eyes were shut and her head was swimming. She wanted to devour this man but she needed to maintain a chaste distance if she wanted to control herself. She had to do that for now. She still respected Tom too much to do that to him.

After a couple of seconds, Sammy ended the kiss and landing back on her feet, opened her eyes slowly. Her heart skipped a beat when the face she had expected to see was not there. Joe’s soft, happy expression was what greeted her and it should have been exactly what she was expecting and hoping for.

But somehow, deep down, Sammy knew it wasn’t. The confusion must have shown on her face because Joe instantly asked her what was wrong. She didn’t want to tell him that Tom was who she should be kissing and who she thought she was kissing and she absolutely couldn’t tell him that for a second when she realized Joe was the one standing there, she had felt a bit of disappointment.

Then again, the man knew her well and there was a note of panic in his voice when he asked, “What’s wrong, Sam?”

The tone broke her heart but she couldn’t help it. “Joe, I’m sorry, I really –”

“Don’t.”

Startled by his interruption, Sammy asked Joe, “What?”

“Whatever you’re about to do, whatever you’re about to say… don’t say it.”

“B-but, Joe, I –”

Joe grabbed her shoulders firmly, forcing her to pay attention to him. The instant her eyes snapped up to meet his she knew what kind of damage she was doing to this man. She had to get away from him as fast as possible before she broke him completely. He was too good of a man to put up with this anymore. He needed a good, unbroken woman that could give him the love he truly deserved.

“No, listen to me, Sam. Whatever it is can wait. You know I make you happy and that should be the only thing that matters anymore.”

Sammy was able to avert her gaze for long enough to gather up the courage to say, “I’m sorry, Joe, it’s more complicated than that.” She broke out of his grasp and made for the door, intent on leaving him on the patio so she could hide from him as he saw himself out. She hoped he could at least read her well enough to know that.

She didn’t look back as she raced through the basement and up the stairs, unsure of where to go. She headed for the living room, intent on going to her office and barricading herself in as soon as possible but she was much too slow for Joe. His legs were longer and he was much more determined than she was at that point. Before she made it much further, Joe was in the living room, his hands on his hips as he shouted, “Sam, will you please come here?”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” she told him, standing still now, facing him on the other side of the living room. “You know that I have a lot to figure out and you being close to me is just making things more confusing.”

“You know I make you happy, Sam,” he reasoned. “That’s all you need to know. You told me that yourself. You just want to be happy.”

“Yes, I know.”

“And you know all I want is for you to be happy.”

“Yes, I know that, too.”

“Then what is it?”

“You know I can’t just throw away my marriage that easily, Joe.”

Joe didn’t respond to this and sighed, dejected as he crossed the room and swept right past her without stopping until he reached the front door. He wrenched it open and it nearly ripped Sammy’s heart apart. She didn’t want him to leave. She didn’t want this to be the last time she ever saw him. She couldn’t expect him to wait around forever and she didn’t want him to. It wasn’t fair.

“Joe…” she sputtered, her voice hoarse with emotion.

The door was wide open but Joe had stopped moving at the sound of his name. He turned, took two steps, and swept her into his arms, lifting her off of the floor as he crushed her to him. Sammy was elated to be this near him but scared at the same time. She didn’t want to lose Joe for so many reasons.

After a second, he set her back down on the floor and Sammy needed a second to catch her breath. She was overwhelmed and dizzy, wanting to bask in this moment for just a little while longer, but unfortunately, that was not what was bound to happen.

In the years following what happened next, Sammy found that her recollection of the events were hazy at best because of how quickly everything seemed to happen. The instant she was back on the ground, Joe’s eyes lit up and he asked her a question that she just couldn’t seem to find an answer to.

And before she even had a chance, things went from bad to worse.


	21. Chapter 21 - Tom

Tom: Now

 

Tom missed his wife. That was the plain and simple truth. Whatever happened the night before didn’t matter because the only thing he could think about was how empty the bed felt next to him at their small cabin on the other side of the property. Even in the few days he was gone on location for work it didn’t feel this lonely and awful to be in bed alone. It was one thing to miss your spouse but it was quite another to be rejected by her and then forced to sleep alone.

He honestly could not remember a more sleepless night in his entire life, and that included his many tireless hours working on his projects and being jetlagged from the long trips across the country. No, this was an entirely different kind of ‘sleepless.’  
Which was why, early the next morning he awoke and decided he would go for a run on his favorite trail along the lake. He needed this exercise to clear his mind. It had been ages since he’d gone out for a run and it was long overdue. So after a small breakfast he managed to dig out some of his old running gear from the storage in the crawl space. He readied himself for the run, stretched before beginning, and then set off, ready to let the wisdom of the trail speak to him as he let all of his issues go. It was his way of meditation, which differed greatly from Samantha’s. Hers was more sedentary and relaxed.

He powered through it, allowing himself to really open up and connect with nature in a way he hadn’t been able to in so long. He missed it desperately and was glad for the relief of breathing the fresh air while mulling over everything that had happened over the past few hours.

In one fell swoop, he had seemingly lost his wife and best friend for good. It was hard enough wrapping his head around the concept of losing Samantha because of all of this lunacy. That was something he had been focusing on intently for nearly a week now. The hardest thing he was having trouble grasping was the fact that Joe had betrayed his confidence so quickly.

Tom really couldn’t make heads or tails of it. He and Joe had been close since they met at the Sundance Film Festival almost a decade before. Since then he and Joe had spent indeterminate amounts of time together, whether in a work setting or socially, it didn’t seem to matter. Joe was always there. Why, after so many years of loyalty and confidence had he suddenly decided to turn tail and side with his wife in this ridiculousness between them?

The warning bells went off so loudly in Tom’s head that he nearly slipped and fell as he ran. He brought himself to a safe stop, caught his breath, and tried to distinguish why his heart was racing; the cardiovascular exercise it was receiving, or the imprecise fear radiating from his gut all the way to his shredded heart. He knew without a doubt that he had to get off of this trail now. Whatever happened after that, he was letting his instincts guide him. They hadn’t steered him wrong yet.

Tom got back to the cottage and changed as quickly as possible, because something inside of him told him to hurry. He managed to get the house in order before he left, locking the door behind him and stepping out onto the porch. He decided that the situation warranted the immediacy of taking his vehicle, so he jumped in and sped over to the house, hoping he would find his wife at home without their daughters present.

Pain shot through Tom’s heart at the thought of his daughters being present for anything that may occur in the next few minutes. He still wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing here to begin with, but he had a suspicion that he would know when the time came what his purpose was. What he could discern, however, was that he wanted to see Samantha, no matter what happened. Just to set his gaze upon her one more time, if it had to be the last time, would be worth it.

But something entirely different happened after he pulled up and spotted Joe’s car in the driveway. The alarms went off like crazy in his head which made his heart race even harder. He glared through the windshield of his vehicle, trying to figure out why exactly he was feeling so on edge. Instead of focusing too hard on it, he opened his door and stepped out, trying to keep quiet so as not to alert anyone of his presence just yet.

Just as he was about to really worry about it, however, the front door of his home flew open and he stopped dead, trying to remain inconspicuous. He was far enough away to achieve that but close enough to see everything that was happening through the screen door.

He saw that Joe was the one that had opened the door. He glimpsed his wife just beyond Joe, looking quite helpless and upset. Tom’s blood raced, watching the exchange. He was trying so hard to detect what was going on beneath the surface, since neither of them was saying a word, but everything was explained seconds later. It was also the first time in Tom’s long life that he could completely understand the phrase ‘seeing red.’

There wasn’t a discernible thought in Tom’s head right then. For the next several minutes all that clouded his vision was a messy tangle of blind fury, undeniable rage, and soul-crushing sorrow. He didn’t even know if Joe and Samantha had finished their embrace but he didn’t care. He charged forward, a man possessed, and stormed up the stairs. He wasn’t entirely sure they heard him until the moment he flung the screen door opened and out of some crazed part of his fractured heart and tortured soul, he balled up his fist and swung as hard as he could with the part of Joe that was connected far too intimately to his wife.

Tom would never be a soldier, and he would certainly never fight in a war, but he had the vaguest idea what it was like to be involved in a battle that could overtake your senses completely. The moment after Tom decided it was a good idea to strike his best friend, everything went silent. Where any noise would have been there was only a shrill whistle. Things even seemed to move a little bit slower, if it were at all possible. Catching Joe off guard as he had, Tom had inadvertently sent him reeling back off of the foyer landing and down on the carpet in the living room. He was rubbing his jaw and squeezing his eyes shut, not saying a word.

Samantha, on the other hand, was carrying on like crazy but Tom only heard the occasional screamed word amongst the buzzing in his head. She was yelling, mostly at him, but trying to split her attention between the two of them. He suspected she didn’t know who would need her most right now.

Tom wondered vaguely for a second when things would right themselves again, but just as soon as he had the thought, everything righted itself and he almost wished that it hadn’t. Now he heard, with stark clarity, just how angry his wife truly was.

“…Cannot believe you, Tom! What the hell has gotten into you? I don’t understand you anymore! What happened to the sweet, peaceful man I married? He’s gone, that’s all I know. You’re not yourself lately and I don’t know if I can take it anymore! What the hell are you doing? Oh my god…”

Everything shifted into place and all at once, he was done being the bad guy. He was through taking all of the blame for their marriage falling apart. There were two of them in this and if she wasn’t going to acknowledge that she had any part in what was going on now, she was sorely mistaken. Especially after he had caught his wife kissing someone that wasn’t him.

“SAMANTHA!” he bellowed. Samantha instantly shut up, staring at him with a mixed expression of shock and horror while Joe, finally upright and already sporting the beginnings of a fat lip, was awe struck. Tom was even a little surprised he was yelling but it was obviously necessary. “What is going on here?” His tone was icy, so far removed that it felt like he was a complete stranger, even to him.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Samantha whispered, and the anger that was boiling in Tom’s blood intensely blossomed in his chest and the little control he had over his emotions was obliterated.

“Oh, is that so?” he seethed. “That’s a RELIEF, considering it LOOKED like you, my wife, and you, Joe, my best friend, were standing in OUR –” at this, he gestured wildly between him and Samantha, “-home, where we raise our children, snogging. For what reason, I don’t know, but I saw it, plain as day, and for all of the SHIT I was given last night because of my ALLEGED infidelity, I’d say it’s awfully rich that something like this is happening today. Or am I wrong?”

The heat was pouring off of him and he was sweating but he didn’t even notice. He was shaking with anger at this betrayal, after enduring everything Samantha had put him through the night before because of his mistake and here she was, clearly involved in something semi-serious with his best friend, judging by the sheer magnitude of the kiss he had witnessed moments ago.

He had to stop thinking about it because if he didn’t, he might hit Joe again. The thought of him touching his wife was too much to bear.

He trudged on, ignoring the squeaks his wife was giving in response. Fuck her if she couldn’t find the nerve to speak right now. “How the hell long has this been going on? By the looks of it longer than I’d like to even consider, so I have to say that my mistake is probably not the first one made here, right, dear?” he spat in Samantha’s direction.

This was the thing that did it. The blank, slightly puzzled look on her face was replaced with a swirling vortex of fury and disgust. “You are an absolute idiot, Tom. Do you really think that this negates everything else that has happened?”

Tom shook his head vehemently. “No, I certainly don’t, but I do believe it brings to light the fact that this marriage falling apart is not entirely my fault.”

Samantha was shaking her head as well, not even bothering to hide her revulsion with him at this point. “Maybe if you had decided a year ago to yell all of this at me, we wouldn’t be having this issue!”

“What issue? Oh, you and my best friend fucking behind my back? That issue?” Tom hissed.

Samantha was affronted and even looked a little hurt. “Do you actually think I would do that to you?”

“Well, haven’t you?”

“Why does it even matter if you’ve already decided that we’re guilty of doing it? Nothing I say is going to make any difference,” she said, throwing her hands up.

Joe took that moment to leave the room and Tom saw him go to the kitchen out of the corner of his eye, no doubt to get ice for his face. As bad as Tom felt for losing control, he still couldn’t bring himself to feel bad about punching Joe quite yet.

“To me, Samantha, it matters. Tell me the truth. How long have you and Joe been –”

“TOM! WHY does it even MATTER anymore? You’ve given up on this marriage and after what happened last week, I’ve given up, too!”

The bottom fell out of Tom’s stomach. He felt like he had been kicked in the gut, hard. Samantha had already given up on their marriage? Sure, he had felt like maybe he’d gotten her to that point but he didn’t expect to hear the verbal validation of this suspicion. It hurt, because he still cared and up until this point, he had wanted to make sure it worked.

Now, he wasn’t sure if it was even worth his time if she didn’t care.

“Believe me, Samantha,” he told her, noticing Joe reenter the room. “It matters.”

“I don’t understand why.”

“You don’t!” he suddenly yelled, not bothering to lower the volume of his voice. “I can’t imagine why it would matter, only that the only two men you’ve ever slept with were the two men you happened to marry, so yes, I would say that it matters a great deal.”

Samantha was struck silent by this point and he could see on her face that it was a fact she hadn’t anticipated. More than likely it hadn’t occurred to her. Either way, Tom’s point was solid. Samantha only gave herself to the men she truly felt something for, and if she had been with Joe, obviously this was not a casual thing… Tom already knew that what Joe and Samantha shared was anything but casual. 

“FINE! If you REALLY need to know, Tom, NO. We haven’t had sex. HAPPY?” she yelled at him.

Tom wasn’t entirely convinced and it must have been evident on his face because Joe tentatively offered, “She’s telling the truth. We haven’t slept together.”

Tom didn’t even want to acknowledge Joe’s words but he appreciated the confirmation. He wanted to believe them but somehow still couldn’t imagine that something more wasn’t going on. His doubts were confirmed the second he saw Joe cast a sideways glance at his wife. All at once, something clicked into place and the years and years of spending time with Joe became so much clearer.

This had been going on for years. He knew Samantha could not have been aware of it but it had been a long time for Joe. Tom remembered so many instances when Joe had offered to spend time with his wife when he couldn’t, hanging around when it wasn’t necessary for him to be there. He even remembered the anger Joe expressed at having been set up on a blind date. It made sense now. Joe didn’t want anyone else because he was in love with Samantha.

Tom was dumbstruck by how blind he had been all of these years because he didn’t even have to reach back to that first memory to know when Joe had fallen in love with Samantha. He knew that Joe loved her at first sight, because it had happened to him as well. Samantha’s beauty, sparkling wit, and remarkable intelligence were magnetic enough to attract anyone. She was amazing.

Tom hated that he had forgotten that.

“Tom?” Samantha asked, not sounding nearly as resolute and angry as she had before. In fact, she sounded a little desperate and worried. Tom couldn’t help but feel a little guilty at the sound of the anxiety in her voice, but he had to press on.

“You know, I could forgive all of the kissing and the physical aspect of this if Joe wasn’t completely mad for you.”

Samantha’s eyes widened and Tom was crushed. His fears were confirmed when she whispered, awestruck, “How did you know that?”

“I didn’t,” he answered quietly. “I guessed. You…” he paused to take a breath, “you just confirmed it.”

“Tom…”

“Are you in love with him?” he whispered, sorry he had asked the question before it even made it off of his lips.

Whatever he had expected to hear, the incredibly tense silence was much, much worse. A dark look crossed Samantha’s features and Tom realized she was now completely unreadable. Tom closed his eyes and rubbed his brow for a moment before opening them, intent to glare at the wall until he was given an answer. He didn’t think he could look at Samantha. Joe, however, was staring at Samantha so hard Tom suspected she might burst into flames. It was apparent to Tom then that he must have interrupted something before he charged in and attacked Joe, something he was still not quite sorry for.

After an extended and agonizing silence, Tom realized that Samantha was not going to be answering his question anytime soon. He was not going to wait around for her to decide what she wanted.

“All right then,” he said, his voice low and hoarse with anger. He did not want anyone to know how much it hurt to see this heavy exchange without having the words to comfort him. “I guess I’m not the only one who’s been unfaithful… Which leaves us at an impasse, doesn’t it?”

Samantha didn’t respond but Tom noticed her chin quiver. He knew she wanted to say something but she was actively choosing not to so instead of waiting, he simply clenched his jaw and heaved a great sigh before taking a step backward.

“Tom, where are you going?” she finally cried, rushing forward.

“Please, Samantha, I just need to go. I can’t be here another moment longer.”

“But… but we… but we…” she stammered, unable to continue as the tears clogged her throat.

Tom rushed to cut her off before she began crying. If she did that then there was no way he could leave. “When you decide what you want, my love, you know where to find me. Until then, I can’t be here. The longer I think about you and him…” he shuddered and left that train of thought. He shook his head and took another step toward the door but stopped once more and turned to face Samantha, who was staring expectantly at him. “For what it’s worth though, I haven’t given up on this marriage. I just forgot for a while how badly I still wanted it.” He gave her a small smile that he knew would not reach his eyes and mustered up the last of his courage to leave.

 

Tom drove back to the small cottage as quickly as he possibly could. He jumped out and practically ran through the front door. There was so much pain radiating from every fiber of his body that he didn’t know if he could handle even being here.

He and Samantha had lived here for a little while before their new home was built, so he had plenty of time to make his own mark in this house. Yet, every time he ran through that front door just a little too quickly, he was hit with those first memories of the house, when he and Samantha were still practically strangers and he was reeling from the news that he was a father. Whenever he had that memory, he was also reminded of his emotional state at the time. It was a complex mixture of shock, anger, elation, relief, and a perverse sense of joy. If he could have picked any woman on the earth to have this (for lack of a better word) surprise happen with, it would be Samantha Chance. About that he had not a single doubt. He remembered feeling the rush of gratitude when he found out that she was otherwise unattached, romantically, even though her ex-husband had been hanging around for whatever reason that night.

However the one emotion that stood out most vividly to Tom, especially today, was the anger he felt that he had been cheated out of those five years without his child and the love of his life. He had assured Samantha in the years intervening that he was not angry with her for keeping Emma a secret from him. He would always know, though, that this wasn’t entirely true. There was much honest communication between him and his wife, but sometimes it wasn’t worth putting Samantha through any pain just so he could make sure he was always honest. It wasn’t the kind of man he was. Stretching the truth was a much sympathetic crime than deliberately hurting the woman he loved the most.

So instead of telling Samantha the truth he held it in. He always recalled it when he came in this house, unfortunately. He had already been sitting on a pile of nerves, anxious and uptight. He had recently learned how to drive an American vehicle, particularly for the purpose of landing in Detroit and driving out to surprise Samantha, so there was that added stress as well. Then he arrived, not knowing what to expect, and as he was heading to the door (still trying to gather the courage it would take for him to speak to her after all those years) he saw what appeared to be a very happy little family.

Crushed, barely able to move, Tom felt the hopes and daydreams he’d been going over ever since he made the decision to finally come back for her disappear. It was a lonely, hollow feeling, but he knew that he was the one to blame for all of it. But everything changed when Samantha finally came out and he saw her after all those years. She was considerably more beautiful than he ever remembered. Her eyes were a bit softer and her hips just a bit rounder. She was even more intoxicating, if it were even possible.

But all thoughts of a happy reunion wrapped up naked and sweating together were dashed the instant he set eyes upon the little girl that called his Samantha ‘Mommy.’ He hadn’t even needed Samantha’s confirmation that this child was his. He knew it the instant he looked down at her and because he felt it so deeply, it made him very, very angry. The emotion began in his heart and all he could picture was the years he had missed, the years this beautiful little girl could have used a daddy. He remembered hoping desperately that she would never hold it against him for not being there.

Tom’s heart was racing, the pull of that old, forgotten anger making him feel it all over again. He had He was angry enough about what was going on in the present. The past didn’t matter anymore. The longer he dwelled on the things he should have done, the longer he would continue to make those same mistakes.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, Tom decided that the only thing that would work was going for another run. He knew all of his running gear was probably still sweaty from before but he didn’t care. He needed to get out of the cabin. Too many memories were knocking around his brain, wanting to screw with his concentration. If he was going to figure out a way out of this mess, he was going to do it on the run.

It took him less than a minute to get back on the trail, and this time he just wanted to keep running until there was a solution to this problem. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to really see things clearly, as emotional as he still was, but he had to give it a shot.

The first thing he had to do was figure out how he felt about everything that had happened. Samantha hadn’t even thought twice about throwing him out upon hearing of his infidelity. He really had not had a chance to explain that it was a mistake and he really had no way of knowing what had happened. She had a point about taking another woman to bed, but was it cheating if he was honestly so drunk that he believed the other woman was his wife?

On the other exceedingly frustrating hand was the fact that while she was acting so high and mighty about tossing him out, she and Joe were off doing who knew what. They both insisted they hadn’t slept together and he really wanted to believe it. Tom felt his feet falling harder on the ground as he started to pick up speed, thinking about whether or not his best friend and his wife had made, as Shakespeare phrased, the ‘beast with two backs.’ It made his blood boil because Samantha was incredibly discerning about the men she chose to give herself to, so he knew that she didn’t make the decision lightly. If she was going to sleep with Joe, it wasn’t casual. It was real and it was certainly serious.

Tom remembered the way the two of them had glanced at each other and knew that if they hadn’t made love to one another yet, it was only a matter of time before it happened. At that point, though, Tom knew he would have lost Samantha to Joe for good.

He sped on through the trail along the beach, hearing the rushing waves of Lake Michigan coming in along the shore. He always loved the sound and usually found it to be quite relaxing on the run. Today, nothing seemed to distract him from his emotional upheaval.

As he rounded away from the sound of the lakeshore, the silence left him with a buzz where the only thing that ran through his mind was one nagging question: What did he want?

He loved Samantha with every fiber of his being, but he couldn’t imagine why she would want to stay with him at this point. He didn’t know if he should want to, either, since it just seemed like they were bringing out the worst in one another. Coupled with the fact that their issues had started to affect their girls and it should have been a no brainer.

Tom didn’t even want to think of a world without Samantha in it. When they divorced, he would either have to move back to England or he would try and take up residency in California so that he could at least be in the same country as his children. He could stay in Michigan but he didn’t think he could be that close to Samantha without it tearing him apart.

Just thinking about it right now was absolutely excruciating. He clenched his fists as he pumped harder, running even further through the trail, his head no clearer. He hated to think of a time in his life when he would lose Samantha again but he had to face the facts. There was no way he was going to get a third chance with this woman and he wasn’t sure if he necessarily deserved it.

And that was when it hit him and he finally slowed down, coming to a halt. He bent over, breathing heavily as the sobering realization became clear in his mind.

Tom didn’t want to lose Samantha, but he already had. He wasn’t even sure if there was anything he could do about it but instead of wasting time thinking too hard, he turned and started running back to the cabin, because the thoughts were starting to throttle him.

The thoughts were nasty, but he didn’t know why any of it hadn’t occurred to him sooner. He saw the way she and Joe clung to each other, the way they were staring at one another when he happened in on them. For so many years they had been spending nearly every moment together and even if Joe hadn’t acted on his feelings until now, they were still friends and building a hell of a foundation for a romantic relationship. Something he and Samantha hadn’t gotten a chance to do before they were a couple. It had seemed to work up until now, but maybe that wasn’t enough for Samantha anymore.

He couldn’t imagine that it wouldn’t be an enticing prospect. Tom had gone and done exactly what he had never wanted to do to her, hurting her in a way that tore to the core. He wasn’t sure if he could even understand why she would ever take him back.

Tom was nearly home now and was shocked at how fast he was running despite already being quite winded from before. He imagined that there was a reason for his hastiness but he couldn’t quite pinpoint it. All he knew was that getting off of the trail was the best thing right now, because his will was shattering and he could feel himself coming apart at the edges.

He pumped a bit harder when he saw the familiar twist on the path that would lead right into his backyard. Something was welling in his chest and it was getting hard to swallow. He kept going, feeling relief upon seeing his home and slowing down a bit as he approached the back door and then finally stopping to catch his breath before he wrenched the door open and was overcome with the thoughts he’d left behind in this house.

And that was when Tom finally broke down. He crumpled on the spot, and landed backed up against the closed door as he sobbed uncontrollably. He didn’t care how strong and stubborn he had been up until this point. Right now, he was just a man, a man that had been abandoned by the woman he loved because she had found someone out there more deserving of a good, strong woman like her.

Samantha was gone. He had been an idiot and lost her once more. This time, though, he had driven her away and it was so much worse to have everything fall apart when he was so determined to make it last for the rest of his life. Tom’s pain doubled in that instant and he nearly choked on his sobs, crying out when he finally caught his breath. The agony was too much to bear silently at this point and he let himself feel all of it, every raw, tormenting bit of it.

His heart was in pieces as he thought about Joe, his best friend and the man who had mentored Tom through becoming a filmmaker, betraying him like this. He thought of Joe’s hands on his wife, roaming those beautiful curves and of his lips pressed up against her full pink ones and he was immediately furious. And then, for some reason, he thought of all the things Joe had done for Samantha over the years that Tom hadn’t.

For years Joe had been there whenever Tom left town, sometimes even cancelling his plans just to be there for the girls. He would take Samantha out for drinking and dancing, something he had not offered to her in a long time. Joe would give her the love and companionship she desperately needed and deserved and at least, for what it was worth, Tom knew his daughters would be well cared for.

Honestly, if he was going to lose his wife to someone else, she could have picked someone a lot worse.

His sobbing slowed and eventually the tears stopped falling. He reached a numb acceptance within himself that Joe and Samantha were going to be together, whether he liked it or not. He didn’t want to fight it anymore. The only thing he wanted for Samantha was her happiness.

Tom just wished he was still the one that made her the happiest.


	22. Chapter 22 - Joe

Joe: Then

 

I wince as the door slams against the frame in the living room, hard. It makes a noise that travels to my head in such a way that I know Tom’s… love tap… has already given me a migraine. I wish I could feel worse about him storming out like this, but my sympathy is in short supply. Never mind the right hook I took to the face. That’s not even on the shortlist right now. Tom stood here and bellowed at the woman I love and deeply upset her. I know deep down I shouldn’t feel so protective, because Sam is not my wife, but I can’t help it. I just want her happiness.

But right now I am at a complete loss because the seconds that follow Tom’s departure are awkward and tensely silent, punctured only by the wheezing sobs that Sam occasionally fails to muffle beneath her hand. My face hurts like a mother fucker but my heart probably hurts worse. I asked Sam an important question right before I saw stars and Tom had even repeated it. She had stoically avoided answering the question.

I want to know what her response is. I can’t do this anymore. Someone here has to be an adult and just end it. I love my friends a great deal (admittedly my affection for Tom has waned given recent events), however, their intense and turbulent past seems to play a greater role in their present-day relationship than either of them realize. They dwell on what should have happened and what didn’t instead of what did, and it tends to muck up their focus on their very real present issues. They don’t currently possess the wherewithal to just end this already.

Fortunately, I do.

The instant I finally decide to take a step forward to demand an answer from Sam, she surprises me by going completely silent and still before whipping around dramatically. She has an almost maniacal glint in her eyes and I watch her warily, hoping she will have better self-control than her spouse. Before I can ask her what’s wrong, the glint is gone and she comes running toward me, her face now scrunched up in tears.

I don’t know why I am so weak when it comes to this woman but instead of holding back and demanding the answer I deserve, I open my arms and let her fall against me. I don’t know how I could ever think of leaving her, she needs me too much. She can’t do this without me.

“Take me away, Joe,” she finally whispers to me, her voice cracking so that I barely make out what she says.

“What?” I ask her, not entirely sure that I’ve heard her right.

“Take me away. Just get me out of here.” Her eyes implore me and I forget how to breathe as I fall into them. They are brimming with sadness and swimming with fear, their dark pigment bringing to mind a warm, welcoming image of two people sharing their morning coffee, laughing and loving together and never letting go. I associate the color with that morning coffee, but the warmth she exudes from those eyes make me think of everything that comes along with it, all of the things I want for us.

“You’re not serious, Sam,” I tell her, daring not to hope for anything so good as a final decision in my favor.

“Yes I am,” she says, resolute. She stands a little taller, which at her tiny stature is not saying much. “I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Joe. I want you to take me away from all of this. We’re already best friends, it’s not like you don’t already know everything about me. You won’t be surprised. Let’s just go.”

I try to hide my smile. Take her away? Love her and be with her for the rest of my life? It’s everything I want, but I know she’s not thinking this through. “What about the girls, Sam?”

“We’ll take them with us of course,” she says with a roll of her eyes. “I’m being impulsive, not neglectful.” She gives a nervous giggle and I frown at her, still not sure she is ready for what she’s asking me for.

“Sam…” I whisper, lifting my hand and pushing a silken blonde strand off of her cheek, brushing it with my fingertips. “It’s not fair for you to ask me that, because you know how much I want to just run away with you… You’re not ready.”

“I am!” she insists quickly, pushing herself out of my arms. “Why would I ask if I wasn’t ready?”

I glance down at her hands, twisted together in anxiety. I also notice that they are trembling slightly. I feel the confusion and doubt settling in. I want to give into the weak, tortured part of my heart that has held a candle for this woman for so many years. I want to tell her ‘Hell yes, I’ll take you away,’ sling her over my shoulder, and run away. I want to make her my wife. I want to help her raise her daughters. I want to share my life with her.

But she’s shaking. She’s not steady and sure at all. She’s trembling and anxious. She wants someone to love her and take care of her, but I’m not sure that person is me.

I can’t let her do this and I can’t let her do this to me, especially when she still hasn’t answered my question. I need to know.

“Sam, you’re not thinking this through, trust me.”

“Trust you?” she asks, incredulous. “You’re the one that started this mess by telling me how you felt in the first place! You already destroyed that trust.”

I take a deep breath. Her defensive lashing out is not going to work. “You’re not ready, Sam. You’re angry with Tom and you’re latching onto me when you don’t necessarily even know if you want me yet.”

“Of course I want you, Joe! What do you think I’m doing here?”

“Then answer my question.”

“What question?” She feigns ignorance but I can tell she knows exactly what I mean.

“Don’t do that,” I say quietly. “You know what I’m talking about. And you know I deserve an answer before I’ll take you anywhere.”

I am so proud of myself for being strong and standing up for myself. That is, until one word spoken by Sam threatens to unravel everything I am now trying to maintain.

With a shaky sigh and a last sob of desperation, she whispers, “Please?” 

 

Joe: Now

 

Joe was set on a path that he couldn’t deviate from, no matter what. It would be so ridiculously tempting at this point to just wash his hands of this whole sticky mess, because his part in it, where his heart was concerned, was taken care of. If Joe was a different person, a more callous, uncaring individual, he would just turn tail and leave, taking the easy way out.

Sometimes Joe wished he was that kind of guy. If he was, he wouldn’t be sitting in his car, white-knuckling the steering wheel. He wouldn’t be facing this incredibly daunting task that was staring him down. He balked at the idea of doing this, but it was necessary.

He owed it to Tom to have this one last chat with him before he was gone for good. Joe knew that Michigan was no longer going to be an option after the day was over. He had to beg his friend’s forgiveness. Sure, it had been a rough day and he should still be furious with Tom for hitting him but Joe knew he probably would have done the same thing if their roles were reversed.

Joe had been an awfully shitty friend to Tom for years. He had essentially lied to Tom their entire friendship, just by harboring this unrequited love for Sam. Not only that, his behavior over the past week had been even more utterly reprehensible. All for the love of a woman Joe had become a man possessed, a man he didn’t recognize. He didn’t like this man he had become.

He knew that it wasn’t Sam’s fault and he certainly didn’t put any blame on her for his behavior. He was the one being a jackass and it wasn’t as though she was forcing him to do it. Sam had been right about everything. This whole mess had been entirely his doing all because of his selfishness. He just had to tell Sam that he was in love with her, why? Because he couldn’t handle keeping the secret anymore! The most ridiculous reasoning for all of this was the fact that instead of just doing the mature, responsible thing and severing their friendship before his feelings had gotten too deep, he chose the unhealthiest option there was, staying around just to be close to her, knowing somehow this was all going to crash and burn.

It had taken what happened with Sam only an hour before to really make him understand just how much of an idiot he had been. Now that he could see everything clearly, he had to get to Tom to tell him everything and beg for his forgiveness before he could leave. There was no way he could live with himself without Tom’s understanding.

This was why an hour after leaving the scene in Sam’s living room and returning home to shower and compose himself he was back on the road. He knew how counterproductive it was to be heading back the same direction from which he’d just come, but nonetheless, it had to be done. Joe knew Tom was staying in Sam’s old cabin on the beach front portion of their property. It was the only other place he knew of that Tom would be escaping to for brooding purposes.

He made the quick trip past the road he would normally take to get to Tom and Sam’s and instead took a smaller, less traveled road that eventually turned to dirt right before the long, winding driveway. Joe’s heart was hammering in his chest as his car inched closer to the small log cabin set back on an incline. The small porch was extended from the front door around to the back of the home, an addition made by Tom before Izzie came along and they moved into the new house.

It was also this porch where Tom was currently standing, glaring down the driveway and right into the car. Right into Joe.

He gulped. Truth be told, he had hoped for another moment or two to wrest his nerves before getting out and approaching the door, undetected. He’d hoped to get the jump on Tom, insisting that they talk and forcing him to listen. With Tom already out here, watching him pull up, Joe was thrown off. He had to come up with a whole new game plan and he didn’t have much time to do it. He could already tell that Tom was radiating anger before he even opened the door and he hoped, for the sake of his face, that Tom maintained a little self-control this time.

Joe gathered his thoughts and exited the vehicle, heading determinedly up to face his best friend and hope that he understand long enough to at least listen. He avoided eye contact with Tom until he got closer but he could tell before he even got up to the porch that he was not wanted.

Joe took one more deep breath and approached the stairs. Before he could set his foot on the top step, he heard a sharp voice behind him say, “That’s far enough.” Joe lowered his foot slowly and backed away, keeping his eyes down until he turned, facing Tom from his position on the ground. Joe thought it was awfully cliché for Tom to assume the power position for this, but if it got Tom to listen, then he knew it was worth enduring it for a while longer.

“Look, Tom…”

“No,” Tom said quietly, furiously. Joe had never seen his friend this blatantly angry before. Tom was a sweet-natured person and was hardly ever annoyed much less hot with rage. It was disturbing. “You’re not going to say anything right now. You’re not welcome here, Joe and I have no idea what the hell kind of balls you have to come back after everything you did.”

“Dude…”

“No. I’m not your ‘dude,’ your ‘man,’ or your ‘bro’ anymore,” Tom’s face grew more stern the angrier he became. Joe got the impression that he was trying really hard to compose himself and for that, at least, Joe was grateful. At least he wouldn’t suffer another sucker punch. “In fact, I’m nothing to you anymore, and you are nothing to me. I don’t even want a professional relationship with you. I don’t care how much it hurts my career, but it’s over.”

Joe was struck. “Tom, you don’t have to do this –”

“You didn’t have to fuck my wife.” Tom’s control was slipping. Joe had to rein this in quickly.

“I didn’t fuck Sam.”

“Why should I believe that?” Tom seethed. “You’ve proven that I can’t trust you numerous times, so why should this be any damn different?”

“Because it’s the truth,” Joe said, starting to get a little angry himself. He couldn’t let Tom go on believing that he and Sam had slept together. It wasn’t fair to her. “And I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to repeat myself. You should know Sam better than that.”

“I thought I did,” Tom spat. “And then I come home to the two of you practically fucking in my living room. That was something I didn’t know about her, wasn’t it?”

“We DIDN’T have SEX!” Joe shouted. For some reason it was important for him to get this out. Tom didn’t respond, instead he rolled his eyes again and made to get up and leave. Desperate to keep him outside on the porch, Joe shouted, “She still loves you, Tom.”

It did the trick. Tom stopped what he was doing, his expression faltering for a moment before he regained composure and narrowed his eyes at Joe before responding, “What makes you say that?”

Joe sighed, running his hands through his hair wearily. He was physically and emotionally beat to hell and he wanted nothing more than the solace of a stiff drink and a good night’s sleep. He wanted to skip over the gritty, horrible parts that still made his shredded heart ache terribly, but Tom wasn’t going to make this easy.

“She can’t…” Joe choked and cleared his throat, trying to get past the horrible stickiness that made it impossible for him to cough up the words. “She can’t tell me she loves me.”

Tom frowned, clearly surprised at this information. “What?”

Joe closed his eyes, too exhausted for tears. “Right before you came in, we were arguing, I was about to leave. She…” Joe averted his gaze and whispered, “she begged me not to go.” He caught a glimpse of Tom shaking his head, clearly upset by this statement. “I asked her if she loved me. She didn’t answer.”

Comprehension seemed to dawn on Tom’s face, “That’s why she didn’t say anything when I asked earlier either.”

“Yeah,” Joe whispered. “And she still couldn’t, even after you left… And I just…” Joe took a deep breath and turned away from Tom, running his hands over his face. He had to maintain a grip. He had a job to do right now. “She can’t answer me because she doesn’t love me the way she loves you, Tom, and you know that.”

“I don’t know that,” Tom said, but he sounded less confident than he had earlier.

“Yeah I think you do,” Joe said with a laugh. “You and Sam have something really special… or you had something special until something fucked it all up.”

“You think you’re so smart, do you?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” Joe maintained. “I was the one who was here the entire time you weren’t. I was the one who listened to Sam when she wanted to fall apart because you weren’t here. I listened to that woman cry on the phone so many times because you wouldn’t talk to her that it’s a wonder she didn’t leave sooner.”

Tom stood up angrily at this last comment. “What the hell do you know, Joe? You’re not married to Samantha, you don’t know her the way I do.”

“No, no you’re right,” Joe said, trying to placate him. Tom was angry but he was sounding less sure of what he wanted and that was not Joe’s goal. He had to steer him back in the other direction. “I don’t know her the way you do and I don’t know that I ever will… But over this last year, when you didn’t have the time or inclination to talk to her… she came to me.” There was no rude tone in this final statement. If anything, Joe was pleading for Tom to see the light. “Sam should not have been confiding in me. She should have been talking to you. That’s where this all starts… and that’s where it has to end.”

Tom stared down at Joe, his face now a mixture of emotions instead of the pure, unadulterated fury he carried before. Joe was hopeful that Tom was starting to understand what he was trying to tell him. Tom was the one who had the ability to mend things with his wife. They had everything they needed to mend this broken relationship. It was why he was here.

“I love Sam,” Joe confessed and Tom’s features darkened with anger briefly. “I don’t apologize for it because it’s something I can’t help. But I do apologize for the way the influence of that love has made me behave. I hurt Sam, I hurt you… I am never going to be able to make it up to you two…” Fatigue apparently forgotten, the tears started to prickle at the corners of Joe’s dark eyes. He didn’t wait for Tom to respond, because he didn’t really expect a response to that right away. “I love all of you. You guys are like family to me, and that’s what makes this so hard.”

“It’s tough for all of us,” Tom said quietly, his anger finally starting to dissipate. Joe was relieved. “Believe it or not, I don’t want to lose you either.”

Joe smiled for the first time in what felt like eons. It felt good, spiritually. Physically it hurt his cheek like hell. He winced in pain but continued, “It’s good to hear that Tom.”

The shadow of a smile played on his friend’s face. “That’s the only one you get,” he commented. Joe nodded. He understood of course. A moment or two of silence passed before Tom cleared his throat and asked, somewhat sheepishly, “What do I do, Joe?”

“Do?”

“I love that woman,” Tom sighed, his gaze finding the tree line in the distance. His lined face was tired but still somewhat wistful. “I’d do anything to keep her. She’s the other half of me. I ache when she’s not here. What do I do? She’s told you so much more than she’s told me, maybe she’s better with you. Do I let her go, so she can be happy, or do I hold on like hell to what I have and try and make it work?”

Joe didn’t know what to tell Tom. He knew his purpose in coming over here was to convince Tom to fight for his marriage, but could he deny that Sam was unhappy lately? Maybe being with him wasn’t such a terrible option…

“You and Sam have something that I’ve never seen before,” Joe heard himself speaking before he even had a chance to decide what to say. “You’re connected in this intrinsic way, at a level that I can’t even begin to fathom... You know each other because in a way, you are each other. Your love is wild and intense and something I wish, in a million years, I could feel with someone. Anyone,” he added quickly. “How can I tell you to walk away from that kind of insane connection? Most of us go entire lifetimes without knowing the kind of love you two have. Most of us don’t find our one and only true soul mate just sitting in a bar in San Diego.”

“I’ve fucked up so many times, Joe,” Tom sighed, shaking his head. “I abandoned her. Twice.”

“Enough of that!” Joe cried in exasperation, because he knew it was only a matter of time before Tom brought up their previous separation. “You two need to just fucking forgive yourselves, each other, and get the fuck over it! I know it’s harsh and it might be hard to hear but no one cares that you two spent five years apart before you reunited. You two are so god damned hung up on the fact that you were separated by five years that you’ve somehow overlooked the fact that you’ve been together for ten years! Most relationships don’t make it past the first year, never mind the fact that you two were given no time to get to know each other before you were parents. I don’t know how you two can’t see how great you’ve really got it.”

Tom was struck speechless. Joe knew he had disarmed him completely. This was what he was aiming for. His work here was nearly done and it was going much better than he had anticipated, especially given the way it had ended before with Sam.  
“Look, Tom, I’m really sorry for what I did, and I mean that, even if you can’t find it in your heart to believe me.”

“I believe you, Joe,” Tom said quietly, leaning over the porch now and leaning on his elbows. His expression was apologetic and understanding, which was all Joe had been searching for. “If you hadn’t cared about me you would have told her you loved her a long time ago. It took me three days to tell her.”

“That long, huh?”

The men exchanged an easy smile at this quip, making eye contact for a few seconds before this one final moment of camaraderie was gone. Joe felt a sadness start deep in his heart that had nothing to do with the long familiar ache he had for Sam. This was something new and just as painful, because he valued every one of his close friendships so dearly and losing Tom was really going to hurt.

But there was nothing more to be shared here. There was no use for additional words to describe why they couldn’t be pals anymore and there certainly wasn’t a need for a play-by-play analysis. Joe had crossed a line and that was it.

“Take care of yourself, Joe,” Tom said, his swimming ocean eyes somber but sincere.

“I will,” Joe assured him. He turned his back on Tom and started heading back over to his car, ready to drive away and leave everything behind. He stopped and turned when Tom called to him.

“Did you really mean all of that, about what Samantha and I have? You’re not just saying all of that to force us back together?”

Joe gave Tom a pained, unbelieving expression. “You know how I feel about her. You know none of that was easy for me to say to you. Why would I bother making any of it up?” He gave Tom one last curt smile that wasn’t completely sincere, and spun around again. Just as he made it to the vehicle, he heard Tom call one last time.

“Joe!”

He spun, not even bothering to hide his annoyance with not being allowed to leave in peace. “What?”

Tom stood up from his bent position against the edge of the porch, came down the steps, and walked down the driveway toward him. Joe felt his pulse quicken momentarily as Tom approached quickly, unable to forget their previous close encounter. 

Joe’s pulse leveled back out when Tom simply stopped in front of him and continued no further. Instead, he simply extended his hand out and waited for Joe to take it. When he finally did, Tom met his gaze and gave him one last smile before whispering, “Thank you, Joe.”

   
Joe: Then, Again

 

I can’t even begin to describe the insane mixture of emotions that are coursing through my veins at this point. It is insane and wonderful and crazy and I am in love, so desperately in love with this woman and I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. It is all I want and I cannot wait to start my life with her.

I’m already letting myself fully fantasize our lives together while I wait patiently for Sam to gather some things around. There’s really no plan right now. She’s coming with me until the girls get home and we’ll figure it all out from there. I think Sam is desperately trying to avoid the thought of trying to explain what’s going onto the girls. A lot has changed in the weekend they’ve been gone and it is going to be complicated.

Sam disappeared upstairs about fifteen minutes ago and I know there’s no need to go up and rush her. It’s been an insane day and the last thing she needs is for me to go pressure her. I especially don’t want to just waltz into the bedroom she shares with Tom. She’ll be done when she’s done, so instead of worrying too hard about it, I decide to scroll through the options for flights into L.A. tonight. It’s unlikely we’ll be able to leave that quickly but I want to be prepared just in case.

I stand up and wander around the room after a couple more minutes pass, looking for the most direct flights to L.A. that aren’t completely booked or departing in an unreasonable amount of time. Buried in my phone, I haven’t been paying attention to where I am pacing and I feel myself bump into the corner of the kitchen table, hard, and I drop my phone in the exchange.

“Son of a bitch!” I fume to myself. After retrieving my phone from the floor, I stand up and come face to face with the wall of family pictures, all hung on the wall beside the table. These pictures have been on the wall since I’ve known the family, something I’ve seen a million times before and don’t really bother to notice much anymore.

But today is different. Today, I look at all of these pictures hanging here and see a lifetime of love and happiness. In one large frame, Tom and Sam beam on their wedding day, holding a much younger Emma in their arms between them. Another picture shows Tom and a slightly older Emma bundled up as they show off a poorly constructed snowman. Yet another depicts a night I’m very familiar with, the night the three of us met at the Sundance Film Festival, only Tom and Sam are the only two in it, excitedly indicating their newly discovered pregnancy. Most of the other pictures are of Emma and Izzie, but there is one more photograph that draws my attention. It is in a smaller frame, but to me, it is the most important one.

It is a dark, grainy picture that looks as though it was taken with a cell phone in a dimly lit area. It is still slightly discernible, but it is a much poorer quality than all the others. I lean in to get a better look at it, even though I’ve seen it a million times. In the photo, Tom and Sam are crowded together so they both fit into it. It is a self-taken cell phone picture, as most tend to be, and it is obvious from the angle that Tom was the one who took it. It is hard to see much besides the two grinning faces centering the photo but it’s definitely old, judging by how young both Tom and Sam look.

It’s not the date of the picture that really has me caught, though, it’s the excitement in these two people. They couldn’t have known each other for more than a few days at the most in this picture, but they were hopeful and excited, already head over heels in love. They were ready to take on the world, no matter what. Nothing could separate them because they had finally found each other.

My mouth starts to go dry as I realize what I’ve done. I don’t know if I can tear Sam away from her family this heartlessly. I have to let her figure out what she wants for sure. If she still chooses me, then I will know for sure.

It’s just then that I realize how long Sam has been upstairs and anxious about having to talk to her about slowing things down, I decide it’s just best to go up and find her, regardless of where she is or what she’s doing. I ascend the stairs quietly, so as not to startle her, and as I round the corner on the landing I peer into her bedroom, expecting to see an open suitcase on the bed and Sam bustling in the closet. Instead, I see an empty bag half open on the floor and Sam, sitting next to it. Her back is to the door and judging by the hushed sound of sniffling and the occasional deep sigh, I assume she is crying.

I creep closer, still not wanting to alarm her to my presence just yet. I get closer to the door, reaching my arm out to knock when she shifts and I see what she is crying over. A piece of paper that looks like it was taken from a legal pad is crumpled in her fingers, and even from where I am standing, I know whose handwriting is scrawled across it.

My heart plummets. She is not ready for me to take her anywhere and she never will be. Her heart is never going to be mine.  
I knock on the door finally and Sam jumps up, hiding the note and looking guilty. “Sam, it’s okay,” I tell her nodding toward the note. She pulls it out and peers down at it. I walk in and we both sit down on her bed. I want to put my arm around her and hold her close or take her hand like we’ve always done but it’s really not possible to do that kind of thing anymore. We’ve crossed too many boundaries for that to ever be okay. So instead I keep my hands to myself and let her speak first.

“I found this in Tom’s bag,” she whispers. “He wrote it when he was stuck in that storm. He thought he was going to die…” her voice trails off but she recovers quickly, adding, “I’m sure he just felt guilty about that slut.”

My shoulders fall at this. She’s trying to make me happy by writing off Tom as though he means nothing and I cannot have that. She doesn’t want me to compromise my values or beliefs to make her happy and she’s denying the fact that she really loves her husband to make me happy? I don’t think so.

“Sam, you don’t have to do this.”

She sniffles and sets the letter down on her nightstand carefully. “Of course I have to pack. I need my shit if we’re going to be leaving.”

I sigh heavily because she is going to go in circles about this, deliberately misunderstanding me until we get into a bitter argument where I am then forced to bend to her will because, like I said, I’m weak. I need to break this pattern because I can’t do this. I can’t make Sam do something she’s not ready for because she’s mad at Tom. No matter how much I try to point out to her that she needs to work things out for herself, figure out what she really needs she’s going to try and contend that she knows what she’s doing. I’ll end up with a woman that hates me in six months because I uprooted her life and didn’t do anything to stop her. I don’t want that.

The only choice I have, it seems, is to not give her a choice.

I stand up off of the bed and turn to face her, crossing my arms as I gather the emotional strength I need to say this to her. “Sam, you’re staying here.”

She blinks, obviously not processing what I’m saying. “Excuse me?”

“I’m not taking you anywhere. You’re staying here.”

“You can’t make me stay!” she says angrily, standing up as well. “You CAN’T! I don’t want to stay here, Joe, I want to be with you.”

“No, Sam, you don’t, and that’s why you’re not coming with me to L.A.”

“Yes, yes, I am,” she asserts yet again. “You can’t leave me here, Joe, you can’t just up and leave me after eight years of friendship and all that we’ve been through… Joe, my marriage is over and if you leave me, I’ll be all alone. Please… please don’t do this…”

I have to turn away before the tears start to affect me. This is one of the ways she has a power over me and I can’t give in. This is too important. “You know I have to. It’s not fair for me to stay here anymore, begging you to be with me when you can’t even tell me that you love me.”

Sam’s eyes widen slightly and she opens her mouth to speak, croaking a little. “Th-that’s not fair, Joe, you know how I feel about you…”

“Yeah, but you’ve never said it,” I point out. My heart is breaking because if nothing else, I just wanted her to say it once. I suppose it might not necessarily be a good idea for me to hear it, because it might make it harder for me to leave. I don’t want to press the point because Sam’s on the verge of tears as it is.

“It’s not that I don’t feel something for you, Joe,” she whispers to me. “It’s just –”

“Please,” I say, and this time I do reach out and touch her. I put a finger over her lips and for one wonderful second, she shuts her eyes as though even this light touch is a relief. I love this. “You don’t have to explain, Sam, I know why you can’t say it, and it’s okay.” I bring my finger down so she can respond but she doesn’t for a long time. When she looks back up at me, her eyes are brimming with unshed tears.

“I don’t want you to go, Joe, I can’t lose you.”

“You know I can’t stay. You know it’s selfish to both of us if I stay.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t care, Joe, I can’t do this alone. I can’t do this without you.”

I wish I could kiss her. I want to so badly but I know it’s just better if I keep my distance. If I touch her that intimately I’ll never let her go. “You are strong enough to do anything. You’ve been through so much on your own and come through it stronger.”

“I can’t, Joe,” she says, and the tears don’t hesitate for a fraction of a second before they’re cascading down her face and she’s hiccupping as she’s begging me to stay. “Don’t leave me, Joe, I forgot how to love Tom… I forgot why I loved him in the first place…”

“Sam, you didn’t forget why you love Tom,” I tell her, knowing I am right. Otherwise she wouldn’t have been crying over that letter, the one that proved in what he thought were his last moments the only person Tom thought of was Sam. “You didn’t forget how to love him. You’re just lost. You need to find your way back to each other.”

“B-But, Joe, I p-promised you… I can’t keep doing this to you…” Sam wipes the tears from her face and finds my gaze, the wretched guilt etched all over her features. “All the things we went through together, everything I said and did… I’ve been horrible to you.”

“No, Sam, this is all my fault,” I tell her. “But it doesn’t do any good to dwell in the past, and I need you to realize that before I live.”

“What?”

“Don’t dwell in the past anymore, okay? Do me a favor and forgive Tom for the five years you were apart.” My suggestion is met with a disgusted reaction, which I expected, but I plow on anyway. “Be thankful that he’s here now, and that he came back at all. A lot of people don’t. You get to be with the person you love. Not all of us are so lucky.”

A beat of silence passes. “Please stay?” Sam asks once more.

“I’ll tell you what,” I say to her, stepping closer. “I’ll be at my house tonight and I won’t leave for California until tomorrow afternoon.” I see the light in her eyes brighten for a moment, happy for the thought of me staying a little longer. “If you take the time to sort through your emotions and really, truly decide that you want to be with me, I’ll be there. If you don’t show up, I’ll go home to California and I’ll be happy, because I know you’ll be happy.”

“No…” she begins, but we both know she has no choice in this.

“And you never need to feel any guilt for not coming, all right? It’s never going to bother me because I know that it’ll be a decision you base on what you want and I trust you’ll be happy with it. That’s all I want for you, Sam, I want you to be happy.”

The silence stretches a while and as I am turning to leave Sam in her room, she takes my hand and pulls me to her, our lips connecting for a brief, sunshine-filled moment in the bleak gray of this nasty predicament. I find that it’s not hard at all to break from her sweet tasting mouth and look into those dark eyes and say my last goodbye, because I know she’s going to be with the person that makes her the happiest, and I could not be happier for her.

I try not to shed a tear or let any other tell show as I turn from her and descend the stairs and discreetly complete the purchase of my one-way ticket to L.A. for later that evening. I know who she will choose. I do not want to wait around to not hear a knock at my front door.


	23. Chapter 23 - Sammy

Sammy: Then

 

“You are awfully naughty, did you know that, sir?”

“What’s this ‘sir’ talk? I believe I told you my name is Tom.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Hiddleston.”

“Tom!”

“Okay, okay, okay,” I slur happily. Tom Hiddleston and I have been sitting here for the past hour or so just talking and drinking and it is safe to say that I am drunk. Tom has been what he likes to call ‘cheeky’ which I take to mean ‘ballsy’ and ordered me yet another mojito after I not-so-subtly implied that I’d like to tear all of his clothes off. I don’t know what his end game is, but I am feeling good enough to give this some serious thought.

I still don’t know if I’m quite ready for it or if I’m going to be prepared for it, really, but I owe it to myself to seriously consider it. Don’t I deserve a little fun after the shit year I’ve had?

And as scared as I am, I can’t help but really notice that there’s something about this guy, no matter who he is. American, British, famous, not famous, talented, not talented, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even have to be gorgeous (even though he totally is). It’s something deeper than that, something on a level that I’m not prepared to explore fully right now.

But I can’t deny that there is something very real going on here, so instead of fighting it, I’m going to embrace it, if just for the night. Molly would be so proud of me. I can’t wait to tell her about this.

A thought struck me then, even in my alcohol soaked brain. “Hey!”

Tom, probably just as drunk as I am at this point due to the severity of the alcohol content in his Long Islands, lolls his head around to face me and he puts his wobbly head into his hand and balances his elbow on the table. “Yes, my dear?”

“It’s Sammy!” I tell him.

“Yes, and I told you, love, that I like Samantha much better.”

“Did you just say ‘love?’ As a term of endearment?” I ask, emitting a noise that is something between a giggle and a squeal.

“Maybe,” he says with a sloppy grin sliding across his face.

“That’s so… British,” I say, unable to think of another adjective.

“It is British,” he offers. “Because I am British.”

“I couldn’t tell.”

“Perhaps my accent is not thick enough?”

“Don’t recite Shakespeare.”

But before my protests are registering, he continues on. “‘Who could refrain, that had a heart to love, and in that heart, courage to make love known?’ ”

The words of Shakespeare flow so gracefully from his tongue that I find myself falling deeper under his spell. I find myself wishing more and more desperately that he would just get it over with and take me already. I don’t even care where we do it. I’m not too particular; right here on this table is fine. He’s doing an incredible job of seducing me. Adding Shakespeare to it is just plain cruel.

“That…” I have to stop to take a deep breath. He’s having more of an effect on me than I realized. “That was… incredibly sexy.” I want to be honest, since the alcohol is compelling me to be. Besides, we have set no parameters on this meeting. Sure, we’re feeling something intense for only having known one another for a couple of hours, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s probably a one-night only deal, which is a shame. Getting to know this man would be a lot of fun, but I’m realistic. I have to be, especially after losing my first husband to my naiveté. This is probably it, so my cards are on the table now.

Tom inclines his head and tries to act humble. I see that he is unable to suppress a smirk and I narrow my eyes at him. “What is so funny?” I ask and then it dawns on me. “Oh my god, it’s a line, isn’t it? Like a pick-up line?”

He falters for a second, his handsome face a mixture of genuine embarrassment and amusement, probably at my having figured him out so easily. “It’s not necessarily to ‘pick-up’ anyone… more like, impress them…”

“Them? As in women?” I press, crossing my arms and sitting back as I watch him flounder, greatly entertained.

“Yes, women,” he says, and I know he has caught on to the fact that I’m teasing him. “Why? Did it not work?”

It’s my turn to falter. “I didn’t say that…”

“That’s what I thought,” he says and in one swift movement he slides close, wrapping a long, lanky arm around my hips and pulling me into him.

All at once, the breath leaves my body because where I am expecting a kiss, Tom stops, his faces mere inches away from mine, and stares. He stares for so long that I start to feel a little uncomfortable, sure there is something he’s going to find wrong this close up, but that’s not what happens.

“I want to photograph you,” he whispers, and my eyes widen for a second. That large, toothy grin spreads across his face when he realizes why I have reacted this way. “No, not like that…” He is still chuckling to himself as he withdraws his body slightly and reaches over to get his phone. “I want to take a picture of you, in this moment. I want to remember it.”

A warm, tingling sensation starts in my rapidly beating heart and for a second I forget how to speak momentarily. “Uh…” is all I can manage and he is watching me, waiting for a response to his query. Personally, it seems weird to me that he wants to remember me, a single woman on a single night for the rest of his life. I couldn’t imagine wanting to recall one drunk night in a hotel in California. “If that’s what you want,” I end up finishing my thought aloud to him, shrugging. His large, glimmering turquoise eyes are so wide and expectant that I find it hard to deny him anything.

Then it hits me. If he wants this damn picture so much, why not take it with me? Maybe in twenty years when he sees this picture and forgets my name, if he sees himself in it he’ll be able to more closely recall what time period this was. “I’ll do it on one condition.” He raises his eyebrows in expectation of the condition, having already prepared to take the picture of me. “I’ll be in your picture if you’re in it, too.”

Tom doesn’t hesitate or say a word. He simply smiles and moves closer again. My nerves are on fire as he presses his body up against mine and slides an arm behind me and resting his hand on my arm. A warm, unexpected feeling starts filling my heart, making me feel lighter than air. Sure, we’ve been kissing and touching, but something about the familiarity of this embrace is different. It’s intimate in a way I didn’t ever think I’d be with someone after Zach.

“Is this all right?” he asks, speaking finally. “I don’t want to get too close.”

Not for the first time that night, I find myself unable to form a coherent thought. It might be the Bacardi, but it seems to me that there is just something about Tom Hiddleston that renders me speechless. Suddenly, I don’t care if he gets too close, physically or otherwise. I only have one life, and I’ve wasted too much time on a marriage that was doomed to fail. Why should I wallow? Why shouldn’t I feel everything as hard as I can?

“It’s fine,” I say, and as he turns to take the picture, I find myself finishing the thought to myself. “You can even get a little closer.”

 

Sammy: Now

 

The dust had fallen. Everything was now up to Sammy.

Just minutes ago she had told Joe that she wanted to be with him, and fully expecting to be taken away, she had started to try and get used to the idea. It seemed the right thing to do, after all, since things were easy and drama-free with Joe, most of the time. Why wouldn’t she want to escape the madness of her failed marriage and be with someone who genuinely wanted to make her happy?

The truth was she had been miserable for a long time. It wasn’t all Tom’s fault. She knew she could have spoken up at any point and forced that man to talk. If she had been adamant enough, they could have solved all of this when it started, when she was first feeling isolated. Hindsight was twenty-twenty, unfortunately. Sammy remembered her reasons for not dragging him to a therapist, but she knew the excuses paled in comparison to what had transpired. They were both at fault for not trying harder.

Tom had promised to stay home with her more often and then out of nowhere, he decided to up and leave. Instead of helping, it made everything worse. Why did he have to go on that trip? Why did he have to drink that night, in that bar, meet that woman?  
Why did Joe have to confess his feelings for her now? It just didn’t seem like all of this happening at once was a coincidence, so why shouldn’t she listen to her heart? If she and Tom had to fall apart only to have Joe there to pick up the pieces, why shouldn’t she give him that chance? He’d been so patient for so long and they were good together.

Sammy unfurled her legs and spread out on the bed, staring up at the white ceiling. So many tears had been shed that she was sure she was dried out. She couldn’t muster a single one, even though she felt broken and empty on the inside. It had been so long since she’d had this feeling, back when she had just discovered Zach’s indiscretion and was forced to realize that he wasn’t going to be her husband anymore. It had taken a lot of courage, but ultimately, she had been the one to file for divorce.

So why, after making the decision to be with Joe, did Tom’s letter make her want to rethink all of it?

It had all been so thrilling, when Joe finally relented and told her that he’d take her away, that night if she wanted, and she decided that yes, this was it. This was what she wanted. She wanted to take the girls with her, get the hell away from this house, and start something new. She didn’t hesitate a second and ran upstairs to pack her bags. When she got into the bedroom, she tried not to let the seared memories of her marriage penetrate her determination, and she searched high and low for the duffel bag that she usually took when they traveled out to California.

Resting at the foot of the bed was the duffel bag. She rushed over to it and opened it up only to find it full of her husband’s things. Sighing, Sammy realized he must have taken it to the island with him and just forgot to unpack in all the confusion. The last thing she wanted to do was go through his things right now. She didn’t want more reminders of him.

After yanking out a couple handfuls of Tom’s dirty clothes, Sammy’s hand closed around something that felt like crumpled paper. Intending to discard what she thought was scrap, she stood up and took a couple of steps toward the bathroom before looking down at the paper. What she saw there tore her heart apart and brought her to her knees instantly. It wasn’t until Joe came up that she even bothered, so upset by what she had read.

But then Joe had suggested her staying here, without him, and that was unthinkable. She knew her best friend and she knew that when he got an idea in his head, he was not easily swayed. His jaw was set and his eyes were sad in a way she had never seen them before. That was the instant she knew what he was doing. He was going to leave her.

Now she was here, in the quiet, empty house. It was time for Sammy to get her shit together and make the decision that needed to be made. She had been so strong those years when it was just her and Emma, and she needed to get back to that thinking, that woman who only had her child’s needs to worry about. That was how she needed to be now. The best thing for her girls was for their parents to be happy, whether they were together or apart.

There was so much love in her heart for both of these men, even if she couldn’t always bring herself to say the words. She would always treasure the friendship she had with Joe, the ease with which they could be together. She was never intimidated by Joe, always stimulated by their conversation, and able to relate to him on a different level than she could with Tom. Joe was an amazing person. He was so full of creativity and passion that it was hard to not feel inspired by him.

Sammy flipped over onto her side and buckled back over, hugging her knees into her chest. She still couldn’t bring herself to cry. She didn’t want to be stuck up here anymore, thinking and wondering and waiting for the answers to appear to her.

With one last deep, steadying breath, everything seemed to click into place. Sammy popped upright on the bed, alert and ready to go. It all made so much sense now, her path so clear and set. She had to get up and go make everything right. If she spent another second in this bed, she was going to miss her opportunity. Who knew how long he’d be here?

She leapt out of bed and dashed around the bedroom, making sure she had what she needed to go. Not even stopping to think, she bolted out of the bedroom and then, realizing her hair was a mess, she hastily scooted back into the bathroom. After she adjusted her hair, cleaned up the tear-stained eye makeup and, assuring she didn’t stink like anguish or sweat, ran back out the door.

Sammy caught herself as she sprinted down the stairs, nearly tripping down the last few. She hurried through the living room, trying to make sure she got this right before she left. She had to, she only had one chance or he would be gone forever. Just as she was stumbling over to grab her keys, she heard a voice pipe up behind her.

“Um, Mom, what are you doing?”

She whipped around and saw Emma in the foyer, looking puzzled. She must have just walked in the front door, judging by the fact that she was still holding her backpack. Sammy felt like an idiot for forgetting that the girls were due home.

“Well, I was just on my way out, but now, since you’re home…” she began, debating whether it was right to go running out the door when her kids were going to be left alone.

“If you have something to do I’m fine all by myself in the big bad house,” Emma said sarcastically, gesturing to emphasize the ridiculous statement. “I promise I won’t play with the stove or use scissors.”

“You’re really pushing this, aren’t you?” Sammy said, an accusation somewhere in her tone. “Why do you want me to leave so bad?”

Emma rolled her eyes, so much like Tom. “You just look like you have somewhere really important to be.”

“I do,” Sammy volunteered, remembering the vehemence with which she prepared this trip. The adrenaline was still pumping through her veins and she bit her lip. Her daughter was a teenager, sure, but she was definitely responsible enough to handle being in the house alone for an hour or so. Then again, Izzie would be on her way home in a little bit as well. “Your sister will be home soon. Do you think you can handle that while I’m gone?”

Emma gave her another look that signified that what Sammy was asking her was excruciatingly stupid. “Are you kidding me? Izzie never does anything. She just reads, like a weirdo. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you absolutely positive?”

“MOM!” Emma threw up her hands in frustration.

“Okay, okay,” Sammy said, waving her own hands in surrender. “I trust you,” she took a few steps forward and gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. “I shouldn’t be long.”

Sammy darted toward the door but not before she heard her eldest daughter ask, “Where are you going anyway?”

With a bright, nervous smile, Sammy turned around after getting her hand on the doorknob and said, “I’m going to bring your father home,” and without another word, disappeared as quickly as she could out the front door.

 

The second her foot hit the dirt outside the front door, Sammy knew that it was not right to take the car over there. She shoved her keys back into the pocket of her jeans and sighed shakily, knowing that her husband was probably right across the property at the old cabin. She knew how much he loved it there. He often took advantage of the time that they didn’t have tenants to get some peace and quiet, when he needed it. It was where he would be staying while they figured things out.

That was where it started. This is where all of this madness would end and they could start over. It seemed appropriate.

Sammy was letting her heart and instinct guide her now, because just as she had asked for the answer in her bedroom, it had all occurred to her and the pieces fell in the right places. What was it that was keeping her from telling Joe she loved him? What kept her from getting up off the floor, made her doubt the decision to run off with Joe in the first place?

It was Tom. The letter had stopped everything, because in it, he had confessed to her that he thought it was going to be his last message to the world, and he wanted her to be the recipient to it. He wanted her to know that for him, his love for her had never been forgotten. It had only grown, stronger and stronger as the years passed, as she changed and aged and gave him a family it had all just gotten better. He confessed that for him, his bliss had come in the simple moments they shared over the years together, the snowmen they built, the cookouts they held, all the science fairs and all the art shows… All of it made him feel more real than anything else in his entire life, and it was all thanks to her. She was the one that had made him the man he was, the man he always wanted to be. His love was evident in his words, and it was in his desperation and anguish that he might never get to see his girls again where Sammy was the most moved.

Now it was so obvious to her that it was where she belonged. Joe had been able to see it, even though he so desperately didn’t want to. She knew Joe wanted her to be happy, and she knew without a doubt that Tom’s continued presence in her life was what was going to make her happy.

She loved this man until the end of time.

And that was it. She turned in the direction she would have to run to get there and headed off. The property wasn’t huge, by any means, but it was substantial enough for driving to be necessary during nasty weather. Tonight was no exception. The winds were picking up something fierce and the sky had quickly turned into a dense navy blue, the fluffy, rain-packed clouds threatening imminent expulsion. Thunder could be heard in the far distance, the crackling lightning blinking closer and closer. This was the kind of night where they would hunker down and make sure there was a good supply of flashlights and water.

It didn’t matter if the storm of the century was brewing right now. All that mattered to Sammy was getting this thing resolved. She had to do it for them. From the very beginning they were meant to be.

Sammy recalled the feeling when she and Tom had stood waist deep in the Pacific Ocean, trembling with the cold of the lapping water and the fear that something very real was happening between them. Sammy had been terrified of the unknown, especially when she knew Tom wasn’t going to be hers forever. She was so in love with this man and it wasn’t even rational. Three and a half days in his company and she already knew that this was the person she’d choose to spend the rest of her life with above all others in the entire universe. It was so intense and exciting and she wanted the chance to explore it thoroughly. Sammy wondered how, along the way, she had forgotten that she felt this way.

The thunder clapped quite a bit louder behind her so she picked up the pace a bit and started jogging. The house was coming into sight just as Sammy felt the first few bashful raindrops fall on her cheek.

It all happened at once. Sammy made it up the hill and jogged the last few steps into the sweeping driveway, finally where she needed to be. The second her foot hit the gravel, the door to the cabin swung open and a frazzled man stumbled out the door, one that didn’t look like Tom until he was halfway down the driveway. They stopped and stared at one another. That was when the thunder crackled one more time and the clouds parted, letting all of the rain fall in thick, heavy drops.

The whole situation was so ironic and cliché that Sammy smiled in spite of herself. Her husband looked haggard and heartbroken and she hated that she had made him look this way. The second she started laughing, though, she saw the grin break across Tom’s handsome face and he looked decades younger. He started to chuckle, and to her, this familiar sound was the most majestic musical symphony ever composed. None of it mattered right at this second, because they were here, and they were smiling together. If nothing else, they shared this.

Once they were done laughing, she opened her mouth to speak but faltered. Sammy had been in such an incredible rush to get over here that there had been no time to figure out what she needed to say. Instead, she closed her mouth and stared intensely at her husband through the pouring rain, starting to question her decision to come over here at all. Before she could determine that, Tom rushed forward and shouted, “I was scared.”

Sammy was so taken aback and confused at this comment that the only thing she could muster as a reply was, “Uh… what?”  
Tom’s face pinched and he looked like the tired, disheveled man she had noticed before. She hated to see him like this, but she couldn’t rush to him. He ran his hands down his face and then through his hair, closing the gap between them so that they were close, close enough to reach out to each other.

“Listen, I know it’s going to sound a little… well, completely mad, but I have to explain to you why I didn’t come back for you all of those years ago.”

Sammy was shocked, to say the least. “What?” was again the only thing she could manage.

“I was young, I was an idiot,” he explained, his eyes desperate and his tone pleading. “I’d never felt anything like what I felt – what I feel – for you, and the thought of finally finding the woman I could spend the rest of my life with should have been exhilarating, thrilling, and life-changing, and it was…but I was also scared. I was scared to share my life with someone because my life can be incredibly chaotic and I knew you deserved to be with someone that could provide you with stability, especially after your divorce…”

Sammy bit her lip, looking away from Tom. With the certainty he’d always given her that he loved her and wanted to marry her, she had never stopped to consider that he might have had doubts. It hurt, a lot.

“I’d never been with someone long enough to even compare it to a lifetime, and I absolutely balked at the idea of setting out on this journey with someone just to lose them and have it devastate me…” he stopped babbling then and their eyes met. They stared into one another’s eyes for a while until Tom finally whispered, “By trying not to break your heart, I broke your heart, and I owe you a thousand lifetimes of apologies for leaving you. I owe you a thousand more for not being here for Emma.”

“That was not your fault,” Sammy said, finally unsticking her throat. “I owe you four years with her. We both made mistakes.”

“We need to just forgive each other for it,” he told her, and just as Sammy closed her eyes to gather her wits, Tom took her hands and everything she had been missing for months came flooding back. Her eyes opened and Tom was even closer, gazing down at her with all the love and adoration he had for her. “We’ll never move on. We’re together now, isn’t that enough?”

“It is,” Sammy choked out, the tears she had been wishing for earlier now streaming down her face. “It’s all I want, Tom! You are all I want.”

“Are you absolutely sure that I’m the one you want?” Tom’s eyes searched hers desperately, his wistful smile faltering as he waited, on baited breath for her to answer.

“It’s always been you, Tom,” Sammy whispered, her voice strangled because she knew it was true. No matter what had happened between them, they were so meant to be together that there was absolutely nothing they couldn’t figure out.

“Samantha,” Tom sighed, his own voice hoarse with emotion. He wasted no time, grabbing her firmly and pulling her close, his lips meeting her so fervently that Sammy was nearly swept off of her feet. It had been so, so long since she had kissed this man so intimately. It was so familiar and so exquisitely perfect that the drying rivers of tears on her cheeks were quickly rewet.

There was magic in the air and Sammy knew all the right things to do. They were getting soaked out here in the rain, but it was so reminiscent of that reunion so long ago that she wanted the moment to last just a few seconds longer. She stood on tiptoe, easily winding her arms up around Tom’s long, graceful neck, and pressing herself into him.

It worked immediately. Tom wasted no time in showing his eagerness to consummate this reunion. It had been almost six months since they had been physical, and it was like their bodies were meeting all over again. She forgot what an impressive size he was and how considerable it looked pressed up against the fabric of his jeans. She wanted to disrobe him right here, just to free him of this denim prison and satisfy her the only way he knew how.

Sammy moaned against Tom’s lips and he bit her lip in response, not sparing a single second in this fevered reunion. He let his hands roam from her cheek, stopping to lightly kiss the nape of her neck and letting his fingers graze softly, causing every centimeter of her skin to blaze with desire. He continued downward until he reached her breasts, something she was expecting. He was an awfully big fan of them, after all.

“Tom,” Sammy gasped, pulling back from her husband just as he was about to start stroking her breasts. She knew they were on their own property, but they were still out in the open and they were a stone’s throw from the beach. “We can’t do this out here!”

“Why not?” he asked, his lips still buried against her neck and his hands getting more and more familiar.

“Well, first of all, I’m drenched down to my underwear –”

“You’re welcome,” he interrupted, giving her a viciously sexy look that was so potent with sexual energy it was hard to find usable oxygen for a second.

She simply returned the glare and hissed, “Dirty mother fucker,” before she threw herself at him hard, launching him backward until he stumbled and knew what she was trying to get him to do. They pulled apart and he bit his lip, whispering, “Damn, you are so sexy.” He grabbed both of her arms and drew her as close as possible, delivering a kiss that made her knees go weak, causing her to stumble. The instant she did, he was there to scoop her into his arms.

“You planned that, didn’t you?” she accused, his answer in the form of a smoldering smile and a subtle wink. He turned and carried her into the cabin and she buried her head in his neck, gnawing at the manly, unshaven skin of his neck. She drew his scent into her nose, falling in love with him all over again every time. The rush of emotions that came from this reunion was intensified tenfold when she opened her eyes and saw the bare walls of her old cabin, the place where she and her soul mate had come back together the first time. It was overwhelming.

The door to the old bedroom opened. They kept the house furnished for their vacationing tenants, so there was a soft, pillow queen-sized bed to fall back on as Tom set Sammy on the edge of the bed and pressed himself against her. Sammy’s blood started to rush, every inch of her wet female center throbbing with anticipation. Tom kept pressing himself against her and she couldn’t take it anymore. It had been nearly half a year since they’d had sex, they didn’t need all of this foreplay. She was on the edge of exploding and she wanted it to be while he was inside of her.

She grabbed the waist of his dark jeans and started unbuttoning, fumbling in her fervor to get them undone. As soon as she had them unzipped, she pushed them down and he kicked them off easily, getting to work on disrobing her. Tom seemed to have the same opinion as Sammy about this and she was relieved to finally be back on the same wavelength as her spouse. This was how they worked so well together.

Tom and Sammy shimmied her jeans and underwear off easily and Tom was more than happy to peel the wet t-shirt from her skin. He took a moment to admire the sight of her, as impressed with them now as he was the very first time. He reached back and unhooked her bra easily, then, slowing down a bit, he pulled it off of her. He bent forward to place each of her breasts in his mouth, the feeling of exploding so close to happening. She groaned and debated on asking him to wait. It felt so damn good.

“Tom,” she moaned, pressed up against his ear. “Tom, I want you inside me. Now.”

“Anything you want, my love,” he whispered, his deep voice radiating through her so intensely that she sat up, removed his last bit of clothing, and exposed him completely. He was ready for her and she sat even straighter, gliding one arm around his neck to kiss him passionately while wrapping her hand around his full, hardened manhood. He gasped against her lips and she smiled, happy that she could still give him this kind of pleasure after so many years. “I’d say you’re ready.”

“You’d be correct,” he growled, grinning devilishly as he pushed her gently backward against the bed and pressed himself against her. The fire in his eyes was evident and as he pressed his lips to hers passionately, he entered her forcefully, causing her to cry out. It had been so long since they had made love that it took her a second to get used to it again.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long. She forgot what an expert Tom was in the bedroom, moving his hips and his ability to plunge deeper and deeper inside of her. They’d been together for so long that it was like a dance they’d both forgotten the steps to. It felt wonderful to be the best on the dance floor again.

Tom wrapped his arms around Sammy and pulled her up with him into a sitting position. She started moving her hips against him, all the most sensitive, aching parts of her screaming with intense pleasure just aching to be released. She was teetering on the edge of this precipice and needed the right kind of push.

She placed her lips against his skin, kissing and biting and sucking, remembering the taste and feel of him. It was all of it, from the way he felt inside of her to the very glint he got in his eye, it was all new and wonderful again. She gazed down into his vast, oceanic blue eyes and saw the man, all of those years ago, that had appeared behind her, a rescuer. A sweet, unassuming man that was as genuine as he was funny. There had been no doubt from the very instant she shook his hand. She had fallen hard for a perfect stranger, a man that she would soon figure out was the other half of her soul. It was fate, like the gods had tried their hardest to split them up, but here they were.

What was between them as they embraced, their hips moving in rhythm together, was palpable. Tom’s face was resolute and emotional, Sammy’s eyes streaming again, as they continued this dance together. He gently set his hands against her face, pulling her close and kissing her as deeply as he could. Their momentum picked up, both of them eager to get to that glorious, aching peak, together.

“I love you, Samantha,” he moaned against her lips.

“I love you… I love you so, so much,” she sighed, kissing him over and over again, her arms wound around him.

He lifted his head and looked into her, his eyes hazy with tears. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Tom…I’m here,” she threw her arms around him and clung to him as hard as she could. How else could she assure him that she was not going anywhere?

That was when Tom set her back against the bed and together, they felt the final thrust that sent them both over the edge. They cried out in ecstasy, the emotions sweeping them away as the bright, shining moment ebbed until they were finally satiated.

They fell together, breathless and sweaty but deliriously happy from the reunion. Tom scooped her into his arms and they lay together in each other’s arms, enjoying the closeness. Sammy couldn’t believe they had come so close to losing each other again. She didn’t know if she could handle it again.

“I love you,” Tom said quietly, his hands gently stroking the skin of her arms.

Sammy smiled, closing her eyes. She turned in Tom’s arms and peered at him. “I love you, too.” She gently ran her nails along the skin of his forearm, wrapped around her. “I’m so angry with myself for forgetting all of it.”

“All of what?” he asked her.

“Everything,” she confessed. “You and me, how much we meant to each other, how this felt, all of it. I just don’t know where along the way I forgot, but it all came back to me. I remembered, just now, how it felt that first moment I saw you in San Diego. I’m so upset with myself…” she turned fully in his arms, now facing him. He readjusted and propped himself up on his left hand. “When did you remember?”

His lips turned up happily, his eyes weary from their physical activity. He pushed some of her hair behind her ear and touched her face lightly with his fingertips before he answered. “I never forgot, love.”

“You didn’t?”

He shook his head. “That’s the fucked up part,” he said with a disappointed sigh, turning onto his back. He stared at the ceiling as he spoke. “I knew, even before I approached you that I loved you. It sounds insane, but I had been watching you for a few minutes before I came in, just trying to get up the courage to come in and talk to you. It was always so strange to me, that I was feeling that way, but something inside of me was saying that whatever I was about to say to you would be insane, because I already had so much in me. I had to make sure it was real. The second you spoke, I knew. That’s why I got so scared when we parted, especially after what I did… deliberately not wearing protection. I knew it was a bad idea the second I did it and I felt so ashamed… How can you ever forgive me?”

“Ah, your ‘bad idea’ turned out awfully pretty, though, didn’t she?”

“That she did,” he said, a grin sliding across his face.

“I’ll never regret Emma,” Sammy said, leaning up against Tom. “And I’ll never regret you. That’s how I can forgive you.”

Tom said nothing. Instead, he sat up, placed his hand against Sammy’s face, and drew her into a long, loving kiss, one that spoke volumes, things Tom and Sammy just couldn’t express with words. 

“We should probably get going. I have Emma watching the house.”

“What? Are you insane, woman?” Tom demanded jokingly. “Leaving a teenager home alone!”

“It’s okay, Izzie should be watching her.”

“Oh, well, a couple of minutes then?”

“Round two?”

“What do you think?”

 

It was quickly decided that the five years Tom and Sammy had spent apart physically had been a breeze compared to the year they had drifted apart. They understood the despair of being in the same room with a person and feeling a world away from them. They agreed that the anguish was not worth it if all it took to fix it was something as simple as talking. It was a vow they promised never to break.

After yet another wonderful reunion between the sheets, Tom and Sammy were spent and decided to take a few minutes to lie there, just to enjoy the familiar feeling of being together.

“Wasn’t the point of what we started all those years ago to be honest with one another?” Sammy asked her husband. “We were only supposed to be together for a week and we needed to make those days count.”

“One week,” Tom whispered to himself, the corners of his mouth turning up in a very happy, peaceful smile. “One week and fifteen years later, here we are.”

“Seems like a lifetime,” Sammy sighed happily. “But sometimes it only feels like a minute. Sometimes I see that young, sweet man that paid two street musicians to play a song for me and it feels like it was only yesterday.” She felt tears once again plague her eyes and she didn’t fight them. Tom gave her a smile of encouragement, reaching over to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I’m so glad I have you back. All of those things, those memories I had forgotten, were brought back to life and now everything makes sense again.”

There was pain in Tom’s eyes. Before Sammy could inquire upon it, he spoke, saying, “It hurts to know that our marriage fell into such a state that you could ever forget how you feel… That is my doing.” Sammy opened her mouth to protest but Tom silenced her, continuing, “I should have made you feel loved and protected. For you, feeling loved means my communicating with you. Communication… Well, for me, it’s always been a bit of a struggle.” Sammy tried to hide a smirk at his admission, but he saw it, rolled his eyes, and moved on. “I should have opened up, told you what was going on instead of hiding it, like I always do. I don’t know why I didn’t see you pulling away sooner…”

“We can sit here all day and worry about what should have happened,” Sammy said, cutting him off. If they were going to stop drudging up the past, now was the time to start. “You feel like you should have opened up to me sooner, or maybe I should have tried harder to get you to open up, but at this point, it doesn’t matter. We made the decisions we’re going to make and now we have to move forward.” Tom was still frowning, staring at her. The pain was etched so harshly into his features that he was nearly unrecognizable again, and it hurt worse than anything she could imagine.

“Tom… We both made mistakes, big, ridiculous, relationship-ruining, marriage-ending mistakes. Both of us. We grew apart and we forgot to come back together. You had your… your ‘whatever’ on your vacation,” she said, giving it air quotes, not to be sarcastic, but to say that she didn’t really know how to classify his indiscretion. He still insisted he was innocent, and she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. She was wringing her hands nervously and felt her lips tremble as she tried to form words. “Y-You did that, and that’s something I have to forgive. And then I fell in l– ” Sammy stopped herself short, unable to complete her thought. It had nearly slipped off her tongue without her notice. The dreaded ‘l’ word when it came to Joe. The constant insistence that she did feel that way about him, the horrible questions she couldn’t seem to bring herself to answer, all of it came crashing in front of her.

More horribly than anything, the reunion with her husband was now in serious danger. Lying on her husband’s bare chest was hardly the time to admit that she had fallen for his best friend. She shut her eyes for a moment, trying to calm her heaving chest and praying that Tom hadn’t caught what she’d said. She assumed he hadn’t, because if he had she was sure he would have gotten up and left by now.

“Samantha?” came the whisper. It didn’t sound angry, but it didn’t sound happy, either. “Are you alright?”

It took a second but finally Sammy opened her eyes, carefully, as though taking in the full sight of her husband would cause the thoughts to come swimming right to her face. She was easy to read, especially for him. “I’m fine,” she whispered, daring to meet his eyes. She expected to see a betrayal there, a hurt that was inescapably her doing, but instead, she saw compassion and love.  
“It’s okay, my love,” he murmured, pushing the fallen hair out of her eyes and resting his hand in her hair. “I already knew, and I understand,” he sighed, his breath shaking, “although I can’t say I like it too much.”

Sammy bit her lip in response to this. “But…You understand?” she dared to speak after a beat of silence.

He sat up then, adjusting himself so that he was sitting mere inches from her, tangled up in the sheet with her. She could smell that musky, manly scent that was so overwhelming to her senses and she wanted to faint right into him. It almost drove the issue from her brain, but it was so heartbreaking a realization that it just wasn’t quite enough.

Tom extended his hand to her, taking it and giving it a squeeze. The crashing waves of emotion in his vast, oceanic eyes were captivating and she lost the ability to breathe for a second, trying desperately not to drown in the storm. “The fact that you are the kind of woman who can love two people at the same time is one of the things that I love about you. Your heart is never ending and I know that a part of you will hold onto Joe forever. I accept that. I don’t necessarily understand, because I don’t have the capacity you do… You’re special, Samantha, and I would never change that about you.”

The air crackled for a moment as Sammy took in everything her husband had just said, and she knew without a doubt that he had finally come to understand that she needed him as a friend as well as a husband. She gave one grateful smile before she broke down, grieving the loss of her best friend as well as a man she had fallen for, hard, and one she would never see again.

“This… this cannot be a good idea. This is a terrible fucking idea and I should turn around and go home. I’m supposed to be getting groceries for dinner, not driving to Joe’s.”

The next day, after Tom and Sammy had returned to the house to a pair of amused, if not slightly confused, daughters, hungry and ready for dinner. They had a wonderful family night and Sammy felt as if nothing in the whole world could bring her down from this cloud. After they watched a movie and played a couple of video games, the girls went up to bed, leaving Tom and Sammy alone. Their previous reunion was again consummated on the couch in the living room, the floor in the bedroom, and once more the next morning before the girls woke up for school.

Sammy had been lost in such a euphoric haze that she had forgotten all about the revelation the night before while they were still at the cabin. Tom volunteered to take the girls to school since he hadn’t done it in so long and made sure to give Sammy several long, lingering kisses before he left. It wasn’t until they hit the end of the driveway, honked, and drove out of sight, that everything hit Sammy like a ton of bricks.

She scribbled a quick note to Tom, one saying that she was going to get something for dinner, and ducked out of the house before she had a chance to talk herself out of it. Tom would be able to tell, however, by the punctuated message and the hasty chicken scratch so unlike her usual slow, loopy penmanship. It didn’t matter, because this was something she had to do.

“I really hope you’re still home,” she whispered to herself, anxious as she tried her best to obey traffic laws. She wanted to be there five minutes ago.

The quest was leading straight to Joe, to at least tell him before he left for California that he had been right the whole time. She really owed it to him, after all. He had put his heart out on the line for her and she didn’t even have the courtesy to admit it to herself. She was taking that back and she knew it was a bad idea to go track him down just to say this, but Tom would understand and then she would at least gain some closure.

She turned down the road leading to his large, refurbished farmhouse. Sammy adored this house from the second Joe had showed it to her. If she didn’t already have a wonderful home on her own property she would scoop it up in a second. The closer she got, however, the more distressed she felt when she saw a large ‘For Sale By Owner’ sign in the window of the living room.

Sammy pulled up and stopped dead. She didn’t know if Joe was inside. She had not seen his car parked in its usual spot by the back door. The sign was what threw her for a loop the most. She couldn’t believe he had done it so quickly. She wondered if he’d had it as a backup plan the entire time. It saddened her to consider this notion; he knew at one point he would have to run away from her as fast as possible. She closed her eyes for a second to gather her courage and then opened them again just as quickly. Squinting, she leaned forward against her steering wheel and peered out the windshield of her car at the front door of Joe’s home. For a second she thought she had been seeing things but now it was unmistakable; there was an enveloped taped to the door.

One hundred percent sure that this note was meant for her, Sammy sat back and swallowed. Her blood ran hot as it coursed its way through her body. He was not here. It was likely that he hadn’t even stayed the night. She would not get her chance to tell him what she needed to. 

Before she got too upset, she decided to at least see what the envelope had in store for her. Maybe there was an explanation, something that would explain his absence and this sudden need to sell his home. She stepped out of the car and hesitated for a second, as though taking a step forward would make it real. It was stupid, because it was real, and it was time to be an adult. She hastened to the porch and climbed, not daring to peek in through the front windows. Seeing his home empty would be too much right now. 

She kept her eyes forward and bounded the last couple steps and opened the screen door. Her impression had been correct; it was indeed an envelope taped to the door. When Sammy grabbed it, though, it was much lighter than she expected.

She resisted the temptation to open it until she got to the car. She didn’t know what to expect but she knew that if she found out he was here, she might not be able to make herself leave again. Once she had slipped inside the car, buckled her seatbelt, and calmed her heart down a little bit, she withdrew the envelope and set it in her lap. Her hands were trembling too much to handle it. She needed one more second to take a deep breath and realize that this was probably the last thing she would hear from Joe. Her best friend, the person she could depend on for everything, was going to disappear from her life completely. Finally, she absorbed as much remaining strength as she possessed and opened the light envelope and emptied its contents onto her lap. Sammy hadn’t been sure what to expect, but seeing one of Joe’s hitRECord promotional business cards fall out was not it. She stared at it for a second, stunned. Eight years of friendship and she was just another client? She wanted to get upset, but there was no indication that this envelope was even meant for her.

But who else would come by to get it?

Her heart fell and she tried not to let herself cry before she backed out of his driveway. She couldn’t return to Tom looking like a mess. As she leaned forward to put the car in gear, the business card flipped over and Sammy’s heart leapt into her throat. She recognized the writing on the other side. She stopped what she was doing and sat back immediately, holding the overturned card in her hand. If anything, it made things even more confusing. ‘Sam – Bridge. 11:00 a.m. 310-555-0001 vid’ was all it read.

She could only assume that those ten digits were a phone number and that ‘vid’ meant video. She knew immediately that her previous assumption had been correct. He was gone.

 

She hadn’t meant for this trip to take two hours, but if this was her last chance to talk to Joe, she knew she had to take it. Instead of wasting time sitting out in town, Sammy headed to the grocery store and bought so much stuff that she ended up filling the basket. It didn’t matter. It preoccupied her time, her mind, and it was an incredibly viable excuse to her husband, even though he would already know what was going on.

Sammy already found a close spot to park and had ventured out of the car. Every step she realized she was a nervous wreck while also wishing that somewhere, Joe would poke his head out with that full, all dimples grin and tell her he was here and that he wasn’t going anywhere.

That was impossible. Even as Sammy approached the bridge, she knew that his staying was never going to be a good idea. Either way, he had to go, for everyone’s sakes. She sat down on the bench there, wishing it was evening and the lamps would come on. So much had happened right here in the past week that it seemed impossible she could have made it through.

The alarm clock on her phone sounded at precisely eleven, and Sammy tried to steady her heart. She stopped the alarm and dialed the number she’d been given on the business card. It took her an extra beat to hit ‘Send’ but she did, and held the phone up in front of her, so that when it connected, she’d be able to see Joe’s face.

After three rings, Sammy’s heart started to fall a bit. Usually Joe picked up on the second ring, no matter when she called. Then again, things were a bit different now. Maybe he had meant eleven Pacific time, which would mean she was three hours too early. She thought of hanging up but just as she was about to end the call, the other line clicked and Joe’s weary, smiling face appeared in front of her.

“Hey, Sam. Right on time, I knew it.”

Sammy tried to smile back at him but burst into tears instead. “Oh, come on, Sam,” she heard him fuss at her. She shook her head and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said, and she finally saw the pain in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from another outburst. “This is probably not what you were expecting.”

She scoffed loudly. “You’re not kidding!” she cried. “I pull up to your house and there’s a For Sale sign? And don’t insult my intelligence and tell me you went out and decided to sell the house last night.”

“I wasn’t going to insult your intelligence,” he said, calmly and sincerely. Sammy relaxed a little. “Sam, I’ve been planning on leaving for a long time. I’ve just never had the strength to do it until now. Now that I know who you really want to be with.”

Sammy’s eyes widened. “Joe, you make it sound… you make it sound like I wanted this…”

“No, no, never,” he hushed. “I didn’t mean to make that sound like an accusation. I needed to know, Sam, I needed to know if there was ever a chance for us and I found out. Now I’m ready to let you go.”

The pain in her chest was unmistakable. Sammy’s heart was breaking in two. “Let me go?” she whispered desperately.

Joe appeared as though he was trying to maintain and doing a poor job. She could hear him sniffing and gasping, as though he had to catch his breath. “Sam, you know it’s for the best.”

“So… You wanted me to call so you could say goodbye?”

He sighed now, a tired smile on his face. “Yes. I had to see your face one more time, but I can’t be there with you. I couldn’t let you go a second time.”

Sammy tried not to cry but the tears seeped out anyway. She shook her head, as though it would change anything. Every word he was speaking was true. “Joe… I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’ll be fine. You have Tom and your beautiful girls. You’re taken care of and you’re happy, Sam, that’s all I could ask for.” Joe’s voice was starting to croak with emotion and she saw his resolve breaking. They had to get off the phone quickly, she knew that. “I’ll be fine, because I know you’re okay. And you don’t need to worry about me, ever, okay? I always bounce back.”

“I don’t believe you,” she whispered.

“Believe me,” said his words, but his eyes screamed for something more. Sammy knew what it was but now, faced with this goodbye, she didn’t know if she had the nerve to say it to him. It seemed cruel. A moment passed and he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and said, “I love you, Sam. I always have and I always will.”

Sammy wished he was here. She didn’t know how she could say this to her iPhone. “Joe,” she said quietly, and his dark eyes found hers. “That question you asked me… the one I never answered…”

“Yes?”

She swallowed and shut her eyes, drawing her strength from inside herself, knowing she had the ability to get through this. “It was yes. Yes. I did love you, I mean… I mean, I do… I do love you, Joe,” she was trying to hide the sobs in her gasps but was unsuccessful. Joe was no longer holding it together, either. “I love you, and I’ve been fighting it so hard but it’s there… I’ll always love you, Joe.”

“Tom’s your soul mate,” he whispered to her sadly. “You belong with him. You and I didn’t meet at the right time, I think,” he said.

“I don’t know what to think,” she said. “All I know is, I’m glad I met you at all.”

“Me too.” Joe blew her a kiss, waved, and the screen went black.

The warm winds breezed through her hair and against her cold, tear-stained cheek and Sammy knew that summer was not far. Soon things would fall back into a routine at home, but she knew things were different. Tom was different, in fact. He was no longer the sweet, simpering man who sometimes had a hard time making a decision because he didn’t want to invite conflict. He was a man that had come close to losing his wife because he sat in the background too often. He was a man that fought for what he wanted now, and for his effort to be the man she knew he could be, she knew she had to give him the chance to keep his promise.

Sammy stood up, tucked her phone back in her pocket, fished her car keys out, and walked back to her vehicle. She didn’t cry anymore. In fact, she sang along with the radio when she heard a particular favorite of hers, and she was in fairly good spirits when she pulled back into her driveway at home. She jumped out of the car and ran in to inform her spouse that assistance was needed with unloading the car, and headed back out. Tom was happy to see her and greeted her with a kiss and a hug, conveying that he understood, and told her he’d follow her out as soon as he finished rinsing the dishes.

Sammy was happy and knew that her decision had been the right one. She didn’t need to acknowledge the ache in her chest right now. She knew that she’d left a piece of her heart on that bridge, in that conversation, in the eyes of a man she loved.


	24. Chapter 24 - Tom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my stories! I greatly appreciate your support :-)

Tom: Six Months Later

To say that the next six months were easy would be a lie on my part. Anyone that has ever been married knows that it takes work, every single day, and even then you can lose each other along the way. When things are going well, it’s still work. After a rough patch, especially one that’s lasted nearly a year, it can be an absolute nightmare. So saying that the days and weeks flew by after Samantha and I reunited would be a lie, because it was hard going for a while.

I knew when Samantha came back to me that day that this was going to take an extreme amount of work. I decided, for the sake of my family and my marriage, that taking a hiatus was probably the best idea. I needed some time to be the husband and father I had always promised to be. Telling Samantha was not easy, either, as she was adamant about my happiness as well. She knows how I like to work, but what am I now, without that woman? I’d rather have a year off from work than a lifetime away from her. One year off would do us a lot of good, and we would set down that path.

It wasn’t a peaceful path, however. We decided the best course of action was to approach a problem differently, making sure to deviate from what we normally did as opposed to taking the same tactics. Samantha’s request was to have regular arguments and to fight it out, something, I admit, I was not comfortable with at first. However, I was willing to give the marriage what it needed to work, so I went outside of my comfort zone and started regularly yelling at my wife.

As terrible as I felt, it seemed to do the trick. Things were opening up and it finally got to a point where the arguments were happening with less and less frequency. It took nearly two months but we were at a point where we had screamed out everything we’d been holding in for a year. We still communicate regularly and there are still residual feelings that come back to haunt us, but overall, things are as strong between us as they’ve ever been. Probably more so, since things are now so open between us.

Once things between Samantha and I stabilized, everything seemed to follow. We adopted the philosophy regarding our marriage and applied it to our relationship with the girls. Instead of responding the same way, we went with something different. Instead of always telling Emma I had to work instead of helping her with an art project, I put down what I was working on right away. The effects started to show immediately and the four years I was missing from Emma’s formative years have been melted away and forgiven. I have never been as close to my daughter as I am now and I am so thankful I have them both.

It has been a hard adjustment for Samantha to not have Joe. I feel badly, because I know it has not been easy on her. She loves Joe, and I think some part of her always will. You can’t possibly spend the better part of eight years with a person without feeling a fondness.

Personally, it doesn’t bother me that she loves him and I was honest with her about that. Her immense capacity for love is the reason I love her so much. Unfortunately, I cannot bear to hear his name even leave her lips, because there is always a regretful sigh behind it of which she is not even aware. I am the only one. It is why it kills me to talk about him, and out of respect for my feelings, Samantha doesn’t bring him up much, either.

It has taken a long time for both of us to fall back into a good pattern of love and trust. Our shared infidelity has cushioned the blow for Samantha. We have built a lot of our trust back up through this and we’ve overcome the worst of it.

Now, six months later, in what seems like an enormous coincidence and admittedly, the perfect end to this harrowing saga between us, we are in San Diego, California. It is November and the Pacific coast is beautiful and balmy, a much desired change to the below freezing temperatures starting back home. Because I’ve taken the year off of work, we’ve had the ability to schedule family vacations with the certainty that I’ll be going. It’s been so incredible being able to go every single time. We decided to spend each holiday somewhere different. A month ago we decided to celebrate Halloween in New Orleans, Louisiana, and the girls had a tremendous time. I enjoyed soaking up the culture and of course, being with my family.

It was Samantha that decided we were going to come to San Diego for Thanksgiving. She said she wanted to go back to the place where her family began, the one thing in the world she was the most thankful for. How was I to argue with an argument like that?

We rented an ocean side cottage for the long weekend and made the feast ourselves. It was small, intimate, and absolutely perfect. We made sure to call and greet my family in England and Molly and Ryan in Canada.

Once the dishes are finished and we start a pot of coffee, I turn to my wife and give her a warm, happy smile. “That was wonderful,” I tell her. I’ve lived with my wife in America for a decade and Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday. I love the spirit of this holiday, because it’s all about love and togetherness. That and the overeating does make me feel like a true American.

“Yes it was,” she says, standing on tiptoes to reach my lips. “Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank the girls, too. They helped.”

“Thank you, girls!” I call, and grinning at my wife, I give her a deep, appreciative kiss. I wrap my arms around her and start to bend her backward in a dip and she giggles against my lips. I pull away from her and kiss her neck a couple of times.

“Um, ew,” I hear from across the room. I look up and see my two beautiful daughters gracing the doorway, Emma with a disgusted wrinkle to her nose, so hilariously similar to mine that I laugh out loud. Samantha is laughing as well and I pull her back up as the girls join us in the kitchen.

“Did you want us for something?” Izzie asks, crossing her arms as though I have just taken her away from something incredibly important. Since she turned eight last month she’s been acting even more incorrigible.

“No, no, sweetheart,” I say, reaching a hand out to her. She huffs but she takes it and I beam at her. She’s still Daddy’s girl. I kneel down and take her in my arms firmly, tickling the soft spots I know she still has. She’s not too old for that. She giggles and I laugh along with her, kissing her on the cheek several times. “We were saying thank you for helping with dinner.”

“Oh, well, that’s fine then,” she tells me matter-of-factly, and to that, I tickle her again, challenging this statement.

“That’s fine, huh? Is that what you said? It’s ‘fine’?”

“No! Daddy, stop it!” she protests. “No!”

Samantha is too busy laughing to jump in and help. Emma has inched her way into the fray but is then pulled in forcibly when I grab her arm and pull her in. She fights me for a second but ultimately allows me to wrap my arms around her and squeeze. I hold her so tightly I lift her off of the ground, and she squirms, protesting, but I don’t let go. I can’t. I’m not going to get away with this for much longer. She’s still young. In only a few years she’ll be gone, and it still doesn’t feel like I’ve had her for long enough.

Before I let myself get emotional, I set her back down and wipe my eyes, having laughed myself out. I walk over to Samantha and wrap my arm around her shoulder and kiss the top of her head. “Well, ladies, what are we up for now?”

“Can we please go to the beach now, Dad?” Emma asks. I purse my lips as I consider this request until she sticks out her bottom lip dramatically, widens her eyes, and clasps her hands in front of me, quite comically. “Please, Daddy?”

“Daddy?” I repeat, amused. “I suppose if your mother says it’s all right.”

“Please, Mommy?” Izzie pipes up. She is now sporting the same look as her sister and it is quite a sight.

“Oh, fine,” she relents. The girls scream enthusiastically and give us both quick hugs in appreciation before darting off to their room to change into their swimsuits. It is already descending into early evening, so the water is going to be cold. Samantha and I repeatedly warned the girls but they have been insistent.

I decide to head into our room to get changed as well, at least into something I can walk along the beach in, and Samantha breezes past me. “Everything alright, love?” I ask her.

She goes to the fridge and opens it expectantly. I see her shoulders fall. “Damn! I thought I brought the Mudslides!” she says, throwing her hands up in the air. “I can’t believe it! I forgot them!”

“It’s fine,” I assure her, turning around. “We can go one Thanksgiving without them.”

“No,” she says, shaking her head. Many, many years ago, when I finally returned to Samantha and found out about Emma, we were in the midst of trying to figure things out while I had a lot of work to do. We were given a few days off for Thanksgiving, and because it was our first real holiday as a family, Samantha went all out. At the end of a very long, exhausting day, Samantha decided that what she really needed was a drink. The only thing I was able to find in her fridge was a couple bottles of ‘Mudslides,’ something I’d never tried before that night. After that, it came to be a bit of a tradition.

“We have to have them,” Samantha says, she looks up at me, determined. “We’ve had them every single Thanksgiving we’ve been a family. After the shitty year we’ve had, I want this.” I am poised and ready to explain to my wife that we don’t have to make this into a problem, because it is simple and unnecessary, but I stop myself when I see it in her eyes. This isn’t just a tradition to her. It’s important and for her, it will be something normal and routine that we’ve always shared. We almost lost each other and she wants something symbolic. I can appreciate that.

“All right,” I acquiesce. “But I’m going to go get them.”

She frowns at me. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” I say, and I grab her hand and pull her close into me, like I did to Emma earlier. I hold her close, as though I can imbue her with everything I want to convey to her. “It’ll only take a couple of minutes and then we can go to the beach.”

“Thank you,” she whispers, and she squeezes me, hard. I let her go and we quickly converse about what it is we need and I leave so I can come back and keep this wonderful day going.

It takes me a few stops to find something that is open but once I do, I try to make the task hasty so I can get back to my girls. I’d hate for the sun to set before we can see it drop below the water. It is one of my favorite things about being on this coast. I know exactly where to find our beverages, so I rush to it, grab what we need, and start heading back to the front of the store.

I pull my phone out of my pocket so I can text my wife to tell her it’s taken a bit longer than expected. Just as I drop my eyes to the message I need to type, I feel my feet collide with another person. I adjust, the apologies already flying out of my mouth before I even lay eyes on my victim.

“Mr. Hiddleston?”

A voice I don’t quite recognize sounds in my ear and I back up, staring at the person who has greeted me. It takes a second, but the synapses in my brain start working and I start to recall the events that happened to me six months before. The short blonde photographer from the island was staring at him expectantly, waiting for the recognition to click into place. He gulped past the hard knot in his throat, his stomach churning. Of all places and times to run into this woman again! What were the odds?

“Mr. Hiddleston, it’s me, Malinda, remember? I was the photographer on your crew, what six months ago?” she says, still not able to see that I know who she is.

“Of course, of course, how are you?” I ask, trying to cover my uneasiness with polite small talk.

“I’m well, thank you,” she says, giving me a bright smile. She is attractive, but without the influence of alcohol I can see that she looks nothing like my Samantha. “Um… how is your wife?”

I frown deeply. I don’t remember sharing enough with her to warrant this question, but then again, I was awfully drunk. “She’s…” I try and figure out how to word it, but a sentimental smile adorns my lips all the same. “She’s wonderful. We’re wonderful.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she says, and she is genuine. “You… um… you ran off so quickly that day…” she trails off and I feel my blood run cold. The last thing I need for this woman to do is remind me of that night, as though it was our lost moment. She has to know how I feel about Samantha, if I talked about her so much.

“Yes, and I have to be honest, Malinda, I’d prefer not to discuss that night, if you don’t mind,” I tell her, trying not to sound rude. “My wife and I have moved past a lot, and drudging up my unfaithfulness will only make me feel worse.”

“Unfaithfulness?” she repeats, clearly confused. “What are you talking about?”

I stare at her, incredulous. “That night you and I spent together. You and I… Do I need to say it?”

“Wow, you must have been drunker than I thought,” she says with a laugh and I find that I am now the one confused. “We didn’t sleep together, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

The words sound like music to my ears but I don’t dare believe them. “What?”

She laughs. “No wonder you ran off!” She laughs again and I find that I am getting annoyed and impatient. I need her to tell me what the hell happened. “When you got your last drink you started calling me ‘Samantha,’” she explains, obviously chagrin at this detail. “By the time you were halfway through it, you thought I was her and you started apologizing. Once you started crying –”

“Crying? I was bloody crying?” I seethe. Now I am just embarrassed for myself.

Malinda, to her credit, is trying not to laugh out loud at me. “I took you to the hotel room, I had to convince you I was your wife, but you followed me. When I tried to leave, you grabbed me and apologized over and over and asked me to stay, so I did. You passed out still holding my hand. We didn’t have sex.”

“Are you… Are you absolutely sure?”

“I think I’d remember,” she scoffs. “I wanted to make sure you were all right the next day, but I figured you were just embarrassed and that’s why you’d left so quickly.”

“Oh my god,” I say quietly. A feeling of insane joy is bubbling up inside of me and I just want to shout and jump for joy. “Then that means… That means I never cheated on my wife…” I laugh out loud, feeling somewhat maniacal. “Oh my god, Malinda!” I shout, and I throw my arms around this woman, this woman who has just given me a wonderful gift, and I give her a big kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, you wonderful girl!” I run past her wildly, intent on paying for my item and getting out of here as quickly as possible.

The entire trip back to the cottage I am sky high. I feel the weight of this burden leave my shoulders and I feel lighter than I have since May. It is an amazing feeling, knowing that I had remained faithful to Samantha, even at my absolute worst.

I pull into the driveway and practically jump out of the car to get inside. I made sure to grab our drinks and headed inside, hearing my wife’s voice the instant I entered, “What took so long?” I remembered that I hadn’t ended up sending that text to her before running into Malinda.

My smile spread wider. “I had a bit of trouble finding a place that was open,” I tell her. I anxiously run into the living room, where she and the girls are watching the television impatiently. “Let me get changed and we can go, all right?”

The girls agree excitedly and I hurry into the other room to change. I close the door and turn my back on it, just to hear it open again behind me. A second later, I feel two small hands wrap around my waist. “Hello, beautiful,” I say, anxious to share my news with her. I turn around to face her and as I peer down into those beautiful umber eyes, the words stop in my throat. She has worked so hard to restore my trust in her and it has been so hard for her to not only lose her best friend, but to accept that she allowed herself to fall in love with another man while she was married that I cannot do this to her.

“What is it?” she asks me quietly, staring up at me.

I give her a sweet smile and touch her cheek with my fingertips. I want to keep that first promise to her, that we will always be honest, but maybe it’s better if she never knows. Telling her would only ease my conscience. I would probably make her feel worse and I can’t do that.

“It’s you,” I tell her honestly. “I love you and I’m so glad we’re here, together.”

“Me too,” she says, and she wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tightly.

We eventually find our way out onto the beach, luckily before the sun has set, and the girls are thrilled. They’ve run into the ocean without us, much more brazen than I ever gave them credit for. Their shrill screams tell me just how cold I think the ocean is while Samantha and I laugh at them for not listening to us.

I take Samantha’s hand and we wander down the shoreline together before we stop. She leans against me for a minute before she pulls away from me and walks closer to the water. I see her writing something in the sand with her foot. The skyline behind Samantha is turning from a crisp, cloudless blue to a hazy orange, illuminating her gorgeous features. The soft expression on her face tells me that I was right not to say anything to her. It may not be total honesty, but my beautiful wife deserves happiness, and I feel it more selfish to tell her than to let her believe that it is still a mystery.

Once she finishes she turns and smiles at me. I know this is my cue. I walk over to her and wrap my arm around her waist, pulling her close as I look at what she drew in the wet sand. A simple message, one we have shared a million times over the intervening years, but one that seems to say something completely different here.

“All this time, and we’re back where it all started,” I say to her, staring out at the oceans. The girls are splashing and making noise a few feet away, and it’s all perfect.

“It’s really something, isn’t it?” she sighs.

“What? The sunset?” I ask, nodding toward it. It is rather remarkable.

“No, well, yes,” she concedes. “I meant us. Our love. Everything that brought us together in the first place.”

I know that something very special has happened with us. Most people don’t get to feel a love so strong, and certainly it is even rarer to find someone that feels as though they make up the other half of your soul. But Samantha and I managed to find each other and we’ve fought tooth and nail to keep what we have. It took a long time and an awful lot of struggle to get to each other, but I have no intention of ever letting that slip away from me again.

Before the sun can slip below the horizon, I act impulsively. I pull off my shirt, my pants, and my shoes, until I am down to my swimming shorts, and without a look back, I run into the ocean. I take the plunge she took so many years ago when I finally told her I was in love with her. It took me four days to articulate what I’d felt from the second I laid eyes on her, and this had been her reaction.

It was just as cold as predicted and I hear my daughters screaming at me, laughing hysterically as I start shivering uncontrollably. “Oh, shut it!” I yelled, but they continued to laugh at me. “If you don’t quiet down, I’ll come over there!” I threaten them, but of course, they don’t take me seriously. I give them my most menacing glare and use what Samantha likes to call my ‘villain voice’ to shout, “You asked for it!” I plunge into the waves and I hear the girls splashing around as I swim over to them hastily. When I pop up out of the water, they are scrambling to get away from me, but not too convincingly. I easily gather Izzie into my arms and am just reaching out to grab Emma’s foot when I hear the crashing water behind me.

“MOM!” Emma screams. Samantha pops up out of the water, her arms around Emma as she laughs hysterically.

“Trying to sneak up on your father? Boy has someone taught you well!” she says jovially. I turn around, Izzie still clutched to me. We swim over to Emma and Samantha, who are now breaking apart.

Once things calm down a bit, I turn to look at the sun set. “Isn’t it beautiful, girls?”

“Yeah,” they all breathe at once.

“You know this was where your dad told me he loved me for the first time,” Samantha offers.

“You’ve told us,” Emma says, exasperated.

“Yes, but you’ve never seen San Diego before,” she explains. “It was during the sunset, in the ocean, just like now.”

“Your mother went a bit loony when I told her,” I whisper comically to the girls. Izzie giggles.

“That’s an understatement,” she says, giving me a knowing smirk.

“I’m glad you gave me another chance,” I say to her with a wink.

“Me too,” Emma says with an evil glint in her eye, ducking back into the water to hide her smirk.

Samantha’s jaw drops and I can’t help but laugh. If there was ever a moment of peace or normalcy between Samantha and me, I don’t remember it. It doesn’t ever need to be that way, because if it was, it wouldn’t be us.

I’ve loved this woman since the moment I spotted her fifteen years ago in that bar, the woman that would so drastically alter my world in only seven short days. She is my soul mate, my other half, the better part of my world for so long, and I can’t imagine a second passing without her in it.

I peer over at her and know this is the perfect place for our story to come full circle, for the perfect ending. She catches my eye and smiles, floating closer and wrapping herself around me. I start to close my eyes when she whispers six words in my ear that makes me realize this is not the ending.

“Oh, by the way… I’m pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad you made it through and I hope you enjoyed Tom and Sammy's story. I will be writing another story starring Sammy's best friend Molly and Ryan Gosling. I have already started writing and I'll be posting the chapter soon! THANK YOU, GUYS!


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